OL Ch 45

‘Don’t think about anything.’

Hayun urged himself. He shouldn’t think deeply now. If he dwelled on his thoughts, those thoughts would swallow him whole. He wouldn’t be able to escape from endless depression, despair, and self-pity. If that happened, he might break his promise to himself.

Hayun turned his thoughts to the ring that Mookyeong had thrown outside. He had to find the ring. It was obvious that it would be hard to find in the dark night, but he couldn’t wait until morning. What if someone else found it in the meantime? Besides, the ring was a gold ring with no particular decorations, so it was perfect for selling.

By the time he reached the first floor in the elevator, Hayun roughly wiped his face. He wiped away the tears that soaked his face, but he couldn’t wipe away the sadness. Hayun turned away from his reflection in the elevator mirror and headed outside.

As he was fumbling around the estimated spot, thinking about the trajectory of the ring that Mookyeong had thrown out the veranda, a security guard who was patrolling the area approached him.

“Hey, what are you doing in the middle of the night?”

“Oh, well… I lost my ring.”

Hayun bowed his head to the guard. Meanwhile, the guard, who had sized up Hayun’s attire, tutted softly.

“Hey, if you’re dressed like that, someone’s going to report you. Oh, and in this freezing cold, you’re not even wearing shoes. How did you lose your ring?”

“…I threw it out the window.”

At Hayun’s answer, the guard put his hands on his hips and chose his words. He then accurately pinpointed Mookyeong’s apartment number. He said that a complaint had already come in today, so please refrain from making a disturbance. The reason he wasn’t going up there himself was probably because of the cooperation letter sent from the military and the surveillance agents.

“These days, it’s common for people to report directly to the police without even calling security, right? It’s a headache for both of us if the police come. Isn’t that right?”

“Yes…”

When Hayun answered and sniffled, the guard’s glaring expression softened.

“I should be telling this to the other person in your house. Oh, dear.”

“…”

“And how are you going to find a ring in the middle of the night without any light?”

The guard, who was tutting, shone his flashlight on the floor where Hayun was fumbling. Hayun bowed to the guard once more and then looked around for the ring.

He didn’t think he would find it right away, but as time went by, he became anxious. He was in a hurry for no reason, and his anger flared up. When he forcibly suppressed his anger, it boiled up in his stomach and then suddenly surged to his eyes. Tears welled up. The tears fell down before he could stop them.

Hayun hurriedly wiped his eyes. His face and hands felt like they weren’t his own, perhaps because he had been in the cold wind for a long time. It was even difficult to tell if he had wiped his tears properly. Hayun wiped his eyes with his sleeve again and then found the ring under the tire of a car not far away.

The ring was standing upright under the car tire, as if it had gotten stuck there while rolling.

“…!”

“Did you find it?”

“Yes!”

Hayun hurriedly pulled out the ring. The outside was scratched a lot, but it was still intact. The guard clapped his hands, saying that it was amazing that he had not only come out to look for the ring in the middle of the night but had actually found it. Hayun bowed to the guard and got up.

“Hurry up and go inside. You must be freezing. And be careful of your feet. Once your feet get frostbitten, it’s really tough.”

“…Thank you.”

He came inside the building, but he couldn’t get into his house. The door wouldn’t open even after he entered the passcode, perhaps because it was locked. Hayun bumped his forehead on the door and then slid down to the floor.

He had felt sad about everything in the world until he came out of the house. But now, he had cried his eyes out and found the ring. As he regained some stability, exhaustion and cold washed over him. He no longer had the strength to pour out his emotions.

‘It might be a good thing.’

If he hadn’t been able to control his emotions, it would have been harder.

‘And the door will be open when he leaves for work in the morning.’

How long until then? Hayun rubbed his frozen feet and estimated the time. It seemed like it would be at least five more hours, even if he underestimated it.

‘If I feel like I’m going to freeze to death, I’ll just go to the security office.’

He vaguely thought he could endure for about five hours since he was inside the building. Hayun curled up his body and waited for time to pass.

But it was too cold to just sit still. Hayun went up and down the stairs, thinking he would freeze to death if he stayed like that. He felt sad, wondering what he was doing in the middle of the night, and then he got angry because simply going up and down the stairs was overwhelming.

Then, later, he wondered what he had done wrong and got very angry. Around that time, Mookyeong opened the door and came out.

Unlike the shabby Hayun, Mookyeong was still neatly dressed. Mookyeong looked down at Hayun’s feet and then opened his mouth.

“Apologize.”

“…For what?”

Apart from being very angry, as soon as he opened his mouth, his chest burned with injustice, and a sense of sorrow surged up his throat. It must be you who’s wrong, not me. If he hadn’t managed to keep his mouth shut, he would have screamed.

Hayun bit his lip and clenched his fists. Everything felt dull in the cold weather. Speaking or moving, and even his sense of touch and judgment of the situation. In this situation, the only thing that was agile was probably his heart. Even though that too would have been frozen and dull.

Then Mookyeong opened his mouth.

“You made me uncomfortable.”

“…”

He couldn’t understand Mookyeong’s words. Hayun breathed heavily and clenched his fists. The ring touched the tip of his left thumb. The rough surface from rolling on the floor and the sensation of his frozen finger felt alien.

“Didn’t you ask to be friends?”

“…I thought you were asleep.”

A pathetic excuse came out.

‘Oh, I shouldn’t have said that.’

Hayun bit his lip. His eyes became hot, and tears welled up. He begged himself to hold back, but the tears fell relentlessly.

“I’m uncomfortable with you acting like this. So stop. Otherwise, I can’t live with you.”

Mookyeong sighed in annoyance. It seemed he didn’t like having to say these words.

“No, let’s just sort this out now. Get out, just get out.”

Slippers flew out from the gap in the door and hit Hayun’s shin.

“Stop crying and answer me. It’s disgusting to see a guy cry.”

Mookyeong’s hand tapped Hayun’s shoulder. He didn’t use much force, but his body swayed. Hayun leaned against the hallway wall. He touched the ring, scratching it with his thumb. His chest felt tight, and his throat stung as if a needle had been stuck in it.

The answer he could give was already decided, but it was hard to give that answer. Hayun tried to answer before Mookyeong took away even this opportunity.

And finally, he barely opened his mouth and said, as if collapsing.

“I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable. And I’ll do it.”

“…”

“…I’ll stop. I’ll sort it out.”

When Hayun’s answer fell, Mookyeong opened the front door so that Hayun could come in. Hayun kept his mouth tightly shut so that he wouldn’t make a sound of crying. Meanwhile, the tears that had been flowing diligently collected on his chin and fell onto his chest.

When Hayun, who had come into the house, tried to go into his room, Mookyeong turned him around. And then he made him go into the utility room next to the kitchen.

In front of and next to the utility room, all the belongings that had been stored there were taken out.

“…Mookyeong-ah?”

Leaving the bewildered Hayun, Mookyeong gestured with his chin as if to tell him to go in. And then he threw the blanket that Hayun had covered him with to Hayun. As soon as Hayun used both hands to catch the blanket, Mookyeong closed the utility room door.

“…”

From the moment the door closed, Hayun couldn’t open his mouth. He kept his mouth tightly shut as if something would go wrong the moment he opened it and held back the rising sobs. His chest heaved roughly, and he blinked his eyes with an expressionless face.

Numerous thoughts floated in his mind without reaching a conclusion. Hayun tightly gripped the blanket that Mookyeong had thrown at him.

His breath was still tinged with tears, but his mind was calmer than ever. Hayun glared at the gap in the door where a faint light was seeping through with cool eyes.

‘He can’t even be harsh enough to kick me out.’

Mookyeong said he would kick him out, but he probably didn’t mean it. If he did, he wouldn’t just say it, he would have grabbed him and thrown him out of the building. Not give him a place to stay.

‘He has no intention of kicking me out.’

What’s the reason? Has he developed some kind of affection for him? Or did he think he was of some use to him?

As long as Mookyeong was his piece and he was Mookyeong’s piece, they were inseparable. Even if Mookyeong had forgotten that, nothing changed. Of course, the influence wasn’t as definite as before, but still, Hayun had an influence on Mookyeong.

‘Rampage.’

It was his own body, so it wasn’t strange for Mookyeong to notice. The problem was how Mookyeong accepted it.

Mookyeong had too many rampages. Because he kept himself in an unstable state. Hayun connected the dots between Mookyeong’s frequent rampages and his increasingly faster recovery.

Could it be that Mookyeong was controlling his own rampage cycle?

If so, it would be related to the fact that he only recognized Hayun during a rampage.

Because he would have done the same.

‘If he regained his senses, even for a moment, while in a rampage, and saw me then.’

What would Mookyeong do?

Would he recover his distorted memories, or would he despair as he was?

If he regained his distorted memories, he would find salvation, and if not, he would think that Hayun had deceived him.

Would instinct prevail, or would reason prevail?

He couldn’t be sure of either.

He opened his mouth, which he had kept shut for a long time, but only a sigh came out.

After being kicked out and returning, Hayun fell seriously ill. He was worried about his twin siblings if he went home, and it seemed difficult to recover if he stayed alone in Mookyeong’s house. He spent all the allowance he had saved up and was hospitalized.

He was confident that he would recover in a day, with youth as his weapon, but contrary to that, Hayun was hospitalized for about five days. His fever rose and fell repeatedly, and he felt a pain as if his joints were being dislocated and then put back together.

There was a brief commotion at the hospital because they suspected he might have a contagious disease, but after five days, Hayun recovered completely.

Because his joints ached, Hayun secretly hoped that it was growing pains, but unfortunately, there was no change in his height. Instead, he just lost some weight.

When Hayun returned home, Mookyeong didn’t say anything when he saw him. He didn’t yell at him to get out, nor did he ask about his condition. He just stood there and stared at him, then turned around.

That day, Hayun lay down in the master bedroom instead of the utility room. He answered Mookyeong, who was dumbfounded, without even looking at him.

“I just got better, so I can’t sleep in a cold place. I’ll sleep quietly without touching you, so just leave me alone.”

“…”

Mookyeong lay down next to him without answering. He let out a long sigh as if to endure it, and not long after, he fell asleep. Hayun turned over and listened to Mookyeong’s breathing. He pretended to be asleep, but he couldn’t fall asleep easily.

He endured the night with his eyes open and finally closed his eyes around late dawn. He fell asleep as if he were falling into a black, deep place, and then he struggled because he was afraid of being trapped there, and soon he woke up. But even after waking up, he held his breath, worried that he might be heard tossing and turning.

A few days passed like that.

Hayun flinched and opened his eyes at the feeling of his body floating. By the time he turned his head in surprise, he was already in the master bedroom’s bathroom. The moment he gasped for breath, Hayun’s body was thrown into the bathtub. Because there was no water, Hayun, who had taken the full impact, rubbed his throbbing head.

“…Hey!”

Before he could finish his sentence, the showerhead moved and poured cold water on him.

“…”

The stream of water from the showerhead hit Hayun’s face, then brushed past his chest and fell between his legs. Hayun bit his lip at the outline revealed by the wet cloth. Even though he was doused in cold water, his face flushed with shame.

Hayun looked at Mookyeong, who was standing in front of him. Mookyeong was looking down at Hayun with a contemptuous look without saying anything.

“Stop it.”

“…”

Hayun tried to either grab the showerhead or turn it off, but his body was pressed down and he couldn’t move. The more Hayun resisted, the more force pressed down on him. It was even hard to hold his head up. Gradually, his head drooped, and at some point, his body was folded in half, and the tip of his forehead touched the wall of the bathtub.

“Stop…”

The stream of water from the showerhead that was hitting between Hayun’s legs was now pouring onto Hayun’s head. His face turned red as if it would burst, and the tips of his fingers, which were gripping the bathtub railing, turned white. Hayun kept his mouth firmly shut so that he wouldn’t make a sound.

Without him realizing it, the swollen flesh of his penis subsided, and his whole body trembled.

At some point, the drain had been plugged, and water was collecting and lapping at his thighs. Mookyeong threw the showerhead into the empty part of the bathtub and turned around.

Hayun held his breath until Mookyeong closed the door and left. And as soon as the door closed, he heaved his chest for a very brief moment.

Just like when he was left in the utility room, all kinds of thoughts rushed in and then hit his mind, leaving it throbbing.

Hayun pressed down on his own genitals as if to hide a shameful place. Then he curled his fingertips and squeezed them tightly.

That day, Hayun added one more thing to the list of things he shouldn’t do.

It wouldn’t be that difficult. That was some consolation.