PCL Ch 55

There was a strange tension in the school because the CSAT was coming up in two days. In the always-loud third-grade corridor, there were few students.

Because studying while sitting at a desk makes them sleepy, there were people standing in the hallway, doing question books or taking online courses. Even the teachers who came in for class warned them not to enter the third-grade corridor.

I didn’t know anything about it when I was a freshman, so I didn’t know it at the time, and it wasn’t until I saw the empty third-grade corridor that I realized it. That I too have only about a year left to spend like that.

“…”

After going to the bathroom and thoroughly washing my hands, I shook my hands, which were still damp despite being wiped with a tissue. The temperature was quite low. People wore padding, but I didn’t think it was necessary, so I only wore a jacket, and when I arrived at school, I took off my jacket and wore a shirt and a vest.

When I returned to the classroom after the second period, most of the break time had been pushed out as usual. Lim Dae-han sat in his seat, his gaze fixed on the problem book. I peered at him from the space between the rear door and the hallway.

After visiting Lim Dae-han’s house, we never talked about the career class.  Lim Dae-han did his job without making it obvious, and when the teachers asked if Dae-han did it, he just laughed with his normal easy laugh.

Then I’d turn to my seat and make an irritated face while listening to Lim Dae-han’s breathing. He was going to find work right away. Without even bothering to study. Words that couldn’t even escape my mouth were mingled with twisted lips.

My gaze, which had been fixed on Lim Dae-han, shifted obliquely to Jung Ji-pil. Jung Ji-pil was laughing with the guy in front of me. Then he looked at me.

“Come over here.”

Jung Ji-pil called me for no apparent reason. I could feel Lim Dae-han’s gaze from behind me, but I just went to Jung Ji-pil without looking back.

“This bastard is going to career class when we’re in third grade.”

Jung Ji-pil said, pointing to the man in front of me. “Oh, it’s a secret, you bastard. Shut your mouth.” Curse words arose. Jung Ji-pil teased and made jokes. I simply rolled my eyes in the middle of them. Jung Ji-pil kept talking.

“Oh, I’m envious. If you’re in the career class, you don’t need to come to school, right?”

“Yeah. But it’s so far from my house.”

My eyes widened at the sudden words. Far? Weren’t you still in school even if you were in a career class?

“Aren’t you at school?”

“There’s no career class at school. I’m just going to a vocational school, while you guys are studying.”

He smacked Jung Ji-pil on the head when he finished speaking. “Oh, don’t do that,” Jung Ji-pil murmured as he wrapped his arms over his crown.

I was a little taken aback. Of course, I assumed that we were just in a different classroom when we were in school. To be honest, I’ve never seen a classroom with a separate career class labeled. That had never occurred to me. The possibility of Dae-han going to a different school.

“…” 

“Ji-pil-ah, you’re not even studying. Let’s just jump right into job hunting. There is no point in going to college.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m going to college. I’m going to go and become a CC (Campus Couple).”

Jung Ji-pil said with a rather ambitious aspiration.  But I didn’t even have time to listen and respond to Jung Ji-pil’s statements. I was just lost in thought. I was surprised because I had never considered going to a different school with Dae-han, and the second reason was that he had never told me about it either.

“…”

I’m sure Lim Dae-han would know that.

Whether I was absent-minded or not, Jung Ji-pil jumped out of his seat  Then he wrapped my shoulders with his arms. In a classroom where more than half of the students were sleeping, he increased his voice.

“Our Ki Young-i is going to go to college and become a CC. With a very pretty sister.”

“What…”

I twisted my body to release Jung Ji-pil’s hand wrapped around my shoulder and placed my hand on the back of his hand, but Jung Ji-pil ignored me. I’m shocked that I’m weaker than Jung Ji-pil. There was no such embarrassment.

“Ki Young-ah, if you go to college and become CC, you must introduce me. From what I’ve seen, you’re the only person here who seems to be the first to become CC. Look at the others. Everyone wears glasses… “

“Hey, Jung Ji-pil, you’re so noisy.”

Jung Ji-pil, who had been babbling, was stopped by Dae-han. Between Dae-han’s brows, wrinkles appeared. His tone was a little sterner than usual. He appeared irritated. I was taken aback by his reaction as well, and Jung Ji-pil remained silent. Lim Dae-han must have spoken it out loud on purpose so that everyone could hear it, but I felt bad for Jung Ji-pil, who remained silent when Dae-han became irritated.

He let go of Jung Ji-pil’s arm and secretly gazed at Lim Dae-han. Is he unconcerned about such a story? Isn’t it more common for people to say, ‘I want to be a campus couple with you?’ Do you like money that much? I like Dae-han enough without money.

“…”

I looked at Dae-han with my upper lip over my lower lip. Lim Dae-han, who was going to bury his head in the desk, put one hand on his chin and with the other, beckoned to me.

With my fingers interlocked, I approached Dae-han with complicated thoughts. He handed me the book of problems I had been solving when I returned to my seat and sat down. He talked in a more raspy tone than when he spoke to Jung Ji-pil.

“Teach me this.”

“…”

I just stared at Dae-han without saying anything. Lim Dae-han gave me a sidelong glance before erasing what had been written in the workbook with an eraser. It was as dangerously crushed by the eraser as the paper was ripped.

“Teach me. Don’t mess around with them.”

“Okay… .”

I took Dae-han’s pencil in my hand and gently read down the question. Then I drew a triangle around the important words. Dae-han had to be staring at the question, but my fingers were a little uncomfortable for no apparent reason. I wanted to make a fist, but because I was holding a pencil, I couldn’t.

“This… So, you can focus on the ones I’ve marked here. It’s easier to read and solve a question if you mark the important words when you think it’s confusing…”

I was thinking to myself even as I was explaining to Dae-han. Perhaps he believes that attending a career class was a safer choice. Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if I couldn’t go to college alone?  I’d never thought anything like that, but college was an important issue, so I could have easily avoided it. So, if I do well on the exam this time, perhaps I’ll reconsider?

And by the time I was in third grade, I’d be more sensitive than usual, so would we be able to date if we didn’t see one other as often? I was worried about that as well.

I closed my lips when I finished explaining. Then I took a deep breath and carefully opened my mouth.

“I hope you do well on this exam… We’ll be in the third grade soon, so if you find what you are lacking in the last mock test of 2nd year and study during winter break, you will be able to study easily in 3rd year.”

In fact, it was a question. Maybe, just maybe, Dae-han has changed his mind in the meantime…

“What?”

Lim Dae-han returned the problem book to me. It was a gloomy face and voice.

“I don’t need to study anymore anyway.”

Dae-han didn’t seem to have any intention of changing his mind.

***

“They say that if one of us goes to college and the other gets a job, we will grow apart.”

“Because I don’t think going to college is a waste of time, I… I heard it’s a stepping stone before we go into society because we’re still immature. I think so too.”

“… If you go to college, you will meet a lot of new people… Then…”

I talked the entire time I was heading home with Dae-han. I was saying it in a roundabout way, but it was more of a pestering. However, Lim Dae-han remained silent till the end.

After the third-grade college entrance exam, our exam was literally right around the corner. I grew more urgent since I didn’t know the process of moving to the career class. Lim Dae-han, who was walking out of the alley while holding my hands without saying anything, eventually took a deep breath in front of the house.

“I won’t die if I get a job right away.”

“…”

“We won’t grow apart just because I go to a career class.”

Dae-han said calmly, but I was anxious. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to join the same class at school, but I was also concerned that Lim Dae-han, who had transferred to another school and begun working while I was in college, would become an adult first.

I wanted to grow up alongside Lim Dae-han, not behind him. Furthermore, I was concerned that I would appear like a child to Dae-han, who was earning money.

But what irritated me the most was that I couldn’t say these words to Dae-han one by one. I couldn’t even say it correctly, so how can I tell Dae-han the truth? Despite the fact that I loved Dae-han, it appeared that I could only do one-dimensional lines like this. Study and die. I was a hapless high school student who couldn’t do anything.

Anyway, I didn’t have much to say because it was Lim Dae-han’s life. I also understood that many people in their early twenties did not attend college and instead went straight to work. It wasn’t that I didn’t think it was better.

However, I was at a loss for words when my boyfriend stated that he get a job right away when the exam was only around the corner. I just stared up at Dae-han, anxious, and had to be pinched on the cheek firmly.

“What makes you so anxious?”

Lim Dae-han rubbed my cheeks like clay, then grabbed the bridge of my nose and pinched it. Then, he pressed our lips together. There weren’t many people at this time, so I also put mine on Dae-han’s lips one more time. Even after we kissed several times, my heart did not settle easily.

“But… but, Dae-han-a.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you really need to go to a career class…? Even if you get a job right away… Emm.”

“…”

Dae-han turned his head and stared down at me as I carefully glanced at him. I carefully lowered my gaze, unsure of what expression I was making. Lim Dae-han, who was still holding my cheek, lifted one hand and gently stroked my bangs.

It was cold. I didn’t like the middle of late autumn. As the saying goes, ‘the cold wave of the entrance exam’, I should start wearing a jersey tomorrow. As I shrugged slightly at the coldness that touched my skin, Lim Dae-han tapped my cheek and said.

“Go up.”

Lim Dae-han seemed to have no intention of changing his mind easily. For the time being, I took a step back from my side. In truth, it was a struggle that had no other option than to end. As I said before, it was Lim Dae-han’s life. There were limits to what I could be involved in.

I made my way into the apartment’s shared hallway. I looked back as I waited for the elevator. Dae-han stood in front of the building, waiting for me to go in.

I was thinking a lot to myself as I stepped onto the elevator and up to the house, and even as I took off my shoes and entered the front door.

Who am I. Who am I, trying to control Dae-han’s life? Eventually, the thought reached there. I was only a lover, no matter how much I talked. And, to be honest, how long would a love affair last as a student? We can naturally drift apart as we learn to know our own worlds after the age of 20, and we were both men after all. We couldn’t even talk about our relationship in public.

“I’m home…”

I was depressed and my steps were heavy. I felt like I was going to cry when I came to that realization. I pressed my lips together and bit them, barely holding back the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I removed my shoes before entering the house. Because the TV was turned off, I assumed my family was in their own room. As I approached the kitchen to get a glass of water and soothe my stomach, I felt a presence in the living room. Naturally, my gaze was drawn to it.

“…”

My older brother was sitting there. I was sure we’d start an argument as soon as our eyes connected, so I tried to turn my head back to normal after simply checking him. I was exhausted today. It was difficult enough to study alone, but it was even more difficult because it was related to Dae-han. So I tried to go as quietly as possible.

“Ki Young-hyun.”

“…What.”

“I need to talk to you. Go into your room.”

But my older brother didn’t seem like that.

***