PCL Ch 61

After the entrance exam, the school’s atmosphere was chaotic. I wasn’t sure why my class was so noisy, but it could have been because it was next to the third grade classroom. The teachers who arrived in the corridor to take control of the students, began shouting, “Are you in third grade?” and “Aren’t you going to be quiet?” There was still no silence.

“…”
I sat quietly with my workbook open. I sat, propped up my chin, and rummaged through the workbook. I answered with a mechanical pencil.

“Ah…”

I knew this. There were a few mistakes made by carelessness. Then I set my pencil down. I shifted my gaze to the back seat.

“…”

Lim Dae-han’s seat was empty. I pursed my lips as I gazed at his seat. Lim Dae-han did not come to school. A peach emoji arm pillow, soiled no matter how much it was washed, was quietly laying on the desk on his seat.

After looking at his seat for a moment, I turned my head forward again. The bell rang, and the teacher entered the classroom. I scanned the room and looked at Lim Dae-han’s deskmate.

“Lim Dae-han, aren’t coming?”

“Yeah.”

Instead, the class president answered.

“He started doing good in class, why is he like this again?”

The teacher spat out a sentence. I silently gazed around the classroom, lowering my head as much as I could. Jung Ji-pil, who had turned around and looked at Lim Dae-han’s empty seat, met my eyes. Jung Ji-pil’s mouthed, ‘Why didn’t he come?’ I shook my head as I didn’t know the reason.

“What happened to Lim Dae-han?”

Jung Ji-pil approached me and asked. He slid between my seat and the seat in front of me, bending his knees. He kept his chin on the desk, and opened his eyes, I avoided his gaze because I didn’t want to look at his questioning expression.

“Why didn’t Lim Dae-han come?”

Jung Ji-pil grumbled, as though he expected an answer regardless. After shaking my head, I folded and unfolded the end of the textbook on the desk and repeated it.

“Did you guys fight?”

“…No.”

“Then…”

Jung Ji-pil covered his mouth with his hand and lowered his voice. He seemed to be careful, but he didn’t know that he looked more suspicious.

“Did you break up?”

When he asked the question, he formed a circle with his lips and moved them here and there. Did you break up? Did we break up? Didn’t you usually break up after saying you wanted to? Was this also one of the break ups? I couldn’t think of anything to say in response to the situation, so Jung Ji-pil rolled his eyes and opened his mouth.

“You know Cham-seon in class 2.”

“Yeah.”

Cham-seon was a friend from the same class when I was a freshman. He and I got along just fine, although Jung Ji-pil was very close to him. In reality, it was almost like a relationship in which Cham-seon wanted to be close and Jung Ji-pil mostly told him not to do it, not to touch him, and not to talk to him.

“If I’m not mistaken, his girlfriend this time is in third grade? But he said she was busy a month before the entrance exam, and she kept ignoring his calls, but when he saw her KakaoTalk profile picture yesterday, he said it was a picture with another man.”

“…”

I opened my eyes and stared at Jung Ji-pil as a result of the unexpected turn of events. He kept talking as though he thought I was interested.

“Cham-seon was so flustered. And I couldn’t ask about what happened to that senior. I just asked him if he was still contacting her after the entrance exam, and he said she replied with just one thing.”

“…”

“This is what she says, ‘are you stupid? If I didn’t contact you, you should know that we broke up. What are you dragging on about?’”

“…Wow.”

It came out of my mouth without me realizing it. On the way to school in the morning, I noticed Cham-seon having a new haircut, so that’s why he cut it… My blood grew cold as I thought about Cham-seon’s round head.

“…”

I tapped twice on the screen of my phone, which was lying silently on the desk. Still no contact.

Jung Ji-pil casually spoke to me after dropping such a bomb.

“Ki Young, you’re going to study late tonight. I heard it’s open until 11 o’clock from today.”

“I, uh…”

“The best place to eat tteokbokki. My sister gave me pocket money. Hehehe…”

I stared at my phone for a long time while Jung Ji-pil smiled like a pervert at the thought of eating. I pursed my lips and remained still. I was out of my mind. I doubt he’d show up to school today…  I sent a text message to Lim Dae-han as soon as possible.

Me: [Lim Dae-han ㅠㅠ Aren’t you coming to school?] 11:08 AM

Then I closed the chat window in case I needed to check the message right away. However, the phone was silent, as if asleep. My brows frowned without realizing it.

Where and what the hell was he doing?

“I’m not going to do late night study today.”

“Where are you going? Library? Me too…”

“No. I’ll go home and study…”

To be precise, it was Lim Dae-han’s house.

***

“…”

I entered his house quite familiarly, but there was no one there. The duvets were neatly folded, and the arm pillows I bought for Dae-han lay silently on the bed. I sat on the bed and called Lim Dae-han, who had not been reachable until now. Tut, tut, tut… Except for the sound of the answering machine, no one answered the phone.

Still, I was used to it, so I opened the workbook on Lim Dae-han’s desk and began studying. I could study while I waited. That’s what I assumed. One hour, two hours, three hours, four hours… Even though it was eleven o’clock, Lim Dae-han had not arrived.

‘Ki Young-hyun.’

‘…’

‘Are you afraid of me?’

He asked with an anxious expression.

‘You’re not a bad person. I don’t think I can say it either.’

I remembered Lim Dae-han’s back, who had left as if running with a pained expression. I did not stop Lim Dae-han right away. Even though he had a bitter smile on his face, I was only looking at his disappearing back. This has to be the beginning. Lim Dae-han was done with me.

‘Are you stupid? If I didn’t contact you, you should know that we broke up. What are you dragging on about?’

Until the pencil runs out. I remembered it as though it were torturing me.

Did I really break up with Lim Dae-han?

I bit my lower lip.  I was rushing to get the workbooks, notebooks, textbooks, and pencil case that were on Lim Dae-han’s desk. I didn’t want to be in this house. I didn’t know how to treat Lim Dae-han if I met him like this. Lim Dae-han would have assumed he had broken up with me, but how pitiful I would have appeared after rushing after him while sitting here alone.

I checked the clock on my phone after packing all of my belongings. 10:45 PM. It was almost time for the late-night study session to end.

“… I have to go home.”

Then I left his room and went to the front door. I pressed the switch to turn off all lights. The entire house went dark. I was usually with Dae-han, so the place appeared much more lonely now.

I wondered whether he would return. I turned around because I was afraid I would cry if I stayed here with my disappointed heart any longer. “Goodbye,” I said, with no one to say it to, as if I’d never said goodbye before. But there was no one left to bid an affectionate farewell to me.

***

As soon as I got home, I washed, changed my clothes, and sat down at my desk.

“…”

I checked the books open on the desk one by one, without saying anything. I will study really hard from today.  I couldn’t shave my head like Cham-seon, but I would do my best.

I created a life plan in my head. I will now study till 3 a.m., wake up at 6 a.m., go to school and study on my own, and then spend the entire day studying and finish school at 11 am and study more in the reading room in front of my house.  I didn’t care about Lim Dae-han, and I’ll focus all of my energy on my studies. I obviously made a commitment.

“Sigh…”

However, I couldn’t help but sigh. I took the book out once, but I buried my cheek in the notebook and stayed still. I glanced at the white wallpaper and closed my eyes.

I’d never gone so long without hearing from Lim Dae-han. I moved my hand and pressed the power button on my phone, which was lying on the desk. I entered the chat room that I shared with Dae-han. The identification number ‘1’ remained, though. There were still no phone calls, text messages, or messenger checks.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to care anymore. It was heartbreaking, sad, and empty, and I couldn’t stop crying when I thought about it. I needed to be patient. I squeezed my lips together firmly.

“Let’s study.”

As if I had promised, I muttered to myself. And I pulled out the notebook that had been buried in my cheek. It was an unnecessary notebook because I was using it for memorization. I planned to read it briefly and then go to bed.

I grabbed the notebook and flipped it over. When the last page was turned, the sloppy writing, which was not mine, was spreading through my notebook like a wriggling earthworm.

Then I remembered. June. A long time ago, Lim Dae-han forcibly took my notebook.

‘I’ll write you a letter.’

‘You have to write it on the back.’

‘Look ahead. I’ll write it and give it to you.‘

It was before we were even dating. Lim Dae-han must have given me the notebook, but I didn’t look at the letter. It was a memorization notebook, so it was actually okay to tear up a piece of paper here and there.

I swallowed dry saliva as I looked at the last page of the notebook. Then I grabbed the book’s end and turned it. It was a letter from Dae-han to me.

“It’s really silly.”

I laughed involuntarily. What does even getting good test scores means. It wasn’t like it was going to go well.

The laughing face quickly returned to its original expression. With a dark and gloomy expression.

Pathetic. Not Lim Dae-han, but me. Why didn’t I think of seeing Lim Dae-han’s letter, which was written in messy handwriting? Why did I forget this?

Lim Dae-han, that was it, Lim Dae-han, always showed his sincerity to me and gave me courage. The courage to confess to me with a ridiculous bet in the alley in front of his villa, where we had a proper conversation, couldn’t have been more serious because he was constantly talking to me, blending talks, and staying by my side despite the fact that he must have seen me uncomfortable afterward.

But what did I do to him?

I pushed him away with the excuse that I was scared. I should have kept Lim Dae-han from leaving the place at any costs.

If only I could show Lim Dae-han half the courage and affection he has shown me…

I closed my notebook. Then I took out a chair and stood up. I poured determination into my eyes. I changed into my clothes and left the room. I walked straight out the front door and left the house.

***