PSY CH 110
by Lulu“Why the hell would you do something no one asked you for…!”
Jooyoung, who had been silently listening, snapped back in a sharp voice.
“You treat me like a patient too, so why can’t I do the same for you?”
“…What?”
“If I got hurt, you’d do even more.”
When Dohyun couldn’t say anything, Jooyoung let out a sigh of frustration. His hand gesture, brushing back his hair, was full of irritation.
“You and I aren’t the same.”
Jooyoung’s hand froze mid-motion. His face turned rigid as he slowly looked back at Dohyun.
“What the hell do you mean by that?”
Dohyun twisted his lips into a bitter sneer.
“You really don’t know?”
“No. That’s why I’m asking.”
Dohyun let out a laugh, as if he couldn’t believe it.
“For me…”
His eyes were furrowed, but his lips were curved in a smile. It looked like he was mocking himself—was that just Jooyoung’s imagination?
“If you asked me to, I’d do anything—over and over, a hundred times.”
“…”
“You know that. I’m a damn fool.”
Dohyun took a deep, shaky breath.
“But you’re not. And the truth is, even you don’t know if there’s going to be a next time—or if you’ll actually follow through after this.”
The emotions on his twisted face weren’t anger, but fear. The smile that had been clinging to his lips slowly fell apart.
“I hate that.”
“…”
“Just…”
Dohyun turned his head to the side, scrunching up his nose. Then he dropped his head and even let go of Jooyoung, stepping back.
“Haa…”
He covered his eyes with his hand, then slowly dragged it down his face. The breath trapped in his palm scattered, hot and uneven, like he had swallowed a burning coal.
“…Can’t you just do what I ask for once?”
He knew Jooyoung had been on edge lately. He hadn’t wanted to raise his voice over something like this. But Dohyun truly didn’t need Jooyoung’s help. It wasn’t out of consideration or concern.
What scared him was the cascade of private thoughts and emotions Jooyoung might go through while working in his place.
Who could understand such a twisted heart? Even he found himself pitiful, letting out a bitter chuckle.
He’d been shocked when Hangyeol’s mom called. She said Jooyoung had shown up out of nowhere and offered to work in Dohyun’s place. It felt like getting hit by a bolt out of the blue.
He’d told her he’d head over right away. He was on his way back from a quick trip to Busan, so it would take an hour, but he asked her to send Jooyoung away if possible. Jooyoung wasn’t someone used to this kind of work.
“Didn’t he say your hand’s hurt? Just rest. He’s fast and good at the job too.”
Despite his plea, Hangyeol’s mom must have sensed something, because she told him to rest and ended the call.
Even on the way to the restaurant, he kept thinking, What the hell is going on? Had anything surprised him this much recently? It felt like hearing some absurd and baseless rumor. He never imagined Jooyoung would pull something like this without saying a word, let alone for his sake.
But Jooyoung was really there, wearing a green apron and busily weaving through the dining hall.
“Fuck. This is fucking bullshit…”
He muttered a curse like a sigh, lowering his head toward the floor.
That’s when it happened.
Jooyoung grabbed Dohyun’s right hand. He flinched reflexively.
He was right-handed. The injured hand was his right hand, too. He’d said it was fine, that it’d heal on its own, but the pain had never stopped. Using the hand was still uncomfortable.
Without warning, Jooyoung pressed down firmly on the skin near the wound. The sudden pain made the veins and bones on the back of his hand stand out sharply.
“It hurts, doesn’t it?”
Even without touching the wound directly, the surrounding tender skin responded with a deep ache.
“I just don’t like that you’re working while hurt. That’s all there is to it.”
Jooyoung gently pulled down Dohyun’s hand and continued, his voice calm.
“To be honest, I still don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“…”
“You begged me to like you.”
How could he understand this contradiction, when Dohyun had once cried and clung to him asking for love, but now told him to do nothing?
“So I’m trying. I’m really trying here. But why are you…”
Dohyun remained silent, his face hard. Inside him, two conflicting truths were crashing into each other.
“Just like me a little…”
It had been clumsy, desperate, and embarrassingly raw, but it had been the truth. He just wanted Jooyoung to like him, even a little. To look at him with affection, to stop telling him to wait.
But when that affection finally came, it terrified him.
Even though it was clearly a sign that their relationship was moving in a good direction, to him, it felt like an alarm going off.
Once, his grandfather had told him he wouldn’t gamble anymore. As if to prove it, his grandfather didn’t leave the house. He ate meals with Dohyun and sometimes even laughed while watching TV. Those were peaceful days.
Every time they ate, his grandfather would drink a little, and when young Dohyun grew curious, he would pour a small amount of soju into a spoon and let him taste it. Dohyun would spit it out in shock at the bitter, burning taste, and his grandfather would laugh with his whole face. Then he’d ruffle Dohyun’s hair with his rough hand. It was the same hand that sometimes hurt him, but in those moments, that touch felt incredibly comforting.
At some point, he stopped hating going home. In fact, he even looked forward to it. Because when he opened the front door, his grandfather would greet him in his raspy voice with a “You’re back.”
But that happiness didn’t even last a month. One day, after getting a phone call, his grandfather left the house without a moment’s hesitation and didn’t return for over a week. And just like that, Dohyun was left alone in the house again.
It happened more than once. Sometimes his grandfather stayed home for over a month, but other times he didn’t even last a week, or even two days.
Dohyun’s hopes would soar high only to crash straight to the ground, over and over again. Eventually, his grandfather’s words—“I’m done with gambling now”—began to sound like nothing more than a greeting. They didn’t make him happy anymore. In fact, they became exhausting.
He felt like an idiot for always hoping maybe this time will be different, even though he knew those words would never be kept.
“…I just don’t like it because I’m scared.”
He was afraid of the expectation that once grew so freely and the growing immunity to wounds that would soon fade.
Jooyoung, who had been watching him closely, as if deep in thought, slowly opened his mouth.
“Were you—”
“Jooyoung, are you there?”
Just then, a voice called out from the bustling hall, looking for Jooyoung. It was Hangyeol’s mother. Jooyoung glanced down the hallway, then gave Dohyun a short look.
“Just go home for now. Go, and… we’ll talk later.”
“…”
“If you’re stubborn about it, I’ll seriously get mad.”
With that, Jooyoung passed by Dohyun.
“Bae Jooyoung…!”
Just as Dohyun reached out to stop him, his hand suddenly froze midair. His eyes widened in surprise. As Jooyoung walked past him, Dohyun caught a scent—one that was all too familiar.
The salty smell of sea breeze, damp air, and brine just before salt dissolves in water.
The scent that filled the entire city of Maeyang held Dohyun in place. He couldn’t move even after Jooyoung disappeared down the narrow hallway, leaving him alone.
“…”
The closer you got to the sea, the stickier the air became, and that fishy scent clung persistently to your nose. Dohyun hated that smell. He thought of it as a reminder of the grim reality he wanted to ignore.
“You don’t even eat sashimi, you don’t like the sea. That’s weird.”
Though he lived near the sea, Dohyun didn’t care for it. He could count on one hand the number of times he’d ever felt like seeing it. When they were younger, Jooyoung had found that interesting. He once said that a sunlit sea was as beautiful as a jewel, so how could Dohyun look at it without feeling a thing?
In fact, Dohyun had always been more curious about the city Jooyoung had left behind. He longed for the cool, dry air that clung to Jooyoung—as if that place held something special.
He had never imagined it. No, more accurately, he couldn’t allow himself to imagine it that Jooyoung would carry the same briny scent as him. Because even after living in Maeyang for a long time, Jooyoung always felt like an outsider.
His nose tingled, as if he’d caught a whiff of spring flowers.
“…Ha.”
A hollow laugh scattered into the air.
He collapsed like a machine whose power had been shut off. He raked his fingers through his hair in frustration. At last, he had come face-to-face with the desire he’d been ignoring all along. It was so raw he couldn’t pretend not to see it.
“So I’m trying. I’m really trying here. But why are you…”
He wanted to believe.
He wanted to fully bask in Jooyoung’s affection.
He wanted to walk that path together, even if the ending was already written.
Faced with an unavoidable truth, Dohyun let out a hollow laugh. The countdown had already started in his head. He still didn’t believe the ending would change.
And yet, despite all that, he…