PSY CH 132

Jooyoung couldn’t stay still any longer. He shot to his feet and ran. Just then, the police officer who had been talking to Dohyun turned and walked away. 

“Hwang Dohyun. I need to talk to you.”

Dohyun looked genuinely startled when Jooyoung suddenly grabbed him. Caught off guard, he didn’t even pull his arm back and just stood there awkwardly. People around them were already starting to disperse, so no one was paying much attention to them.

“…What is there to talk about? I’ve got nothing to say to you.”

Dohyun finally came to his senses and spoke. Just like before, he refused to meet Jooyoung’s gaze. It was a stubborn kind of avoidance. 

“Did you forget you left the burner on?”

A slight twitch ran through Dohyun’s cheek.

“Last when you did that, you burned your hand, didn’t you?” 

Medication wasn’t a miracle, but from what Jooyoung had read, as long as it was taken properly, it was possible to function in daily life. That’s probably why no one around Dohyun knew he was dealing with an illness. Even Mr. Kim had said Dohyun was meticulous. If he’d taken his meds properly, a mistake like this wouldn’t have happened. 

“Don’t tell me…”

Jooyoung swallowed the question that had risen to his throat. He felt stifled, but it wasn’t something he could ask recklessly. He stared at Dohyun for a long time with a conflicted gaze before Dohyun finally pulled his arm free.

“Go away.”

“Hwang Dohyun.”

“This has nothing fucking to do with you, so just leave me alone.” 

“…”

“You’re seriously annoying…”

He sounded irritated, like someone fed up with unwanted attention. But Jooyoung wasn’t going to back down so easily. 

“I’m saying this because I’m worried about you.”

That made Dohyun pause and look back at him, surprised.

“You could’ve seriously been hurt.”

Looking him straight in the eye, Jooyoung spoke firmly.

“Why didn’t you answer your phone? Were you asleep?”

“…”

“Hwang Dohyun.”

He kept his lips tightly sealed and avoided eye contact. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk—he looked more like a child who’d done something wrong and was getting scolded. Jooyoung started to wonder if maybe he hadn’t ignored the calls on purpose.

“Don’t tell me… did you lost your phone again?”

Dohyun’s face hardened instantly, like someone whose sore spot had just been pressed.

He’d lost not just his phone, but his wallet, many times before. It was a frequent enough occurrence that Jooyoung had suspected it again now, and judging by Dohyun’s reaction, he’d guessed right.

“You lost it again?”

What made him angry was that of all times, Dohyun had to lose his phone now. He knew it wasn’t really Dohyun’s fault, but an that moment, there was no time to reason it out. That’s why he ended up pressing him like that without even realizing it—because he was upset and worried about what might happen next. 

“Why now of all times…!”

But as soon as he saw the look on Dohyun’s face, Jooyoung froze.

It was humiliation.

And at the same time, an intense self-loathing.

“…Ah.”

He had made a mistake. Consumed by worry and anxiety, he hadn’t considered how those words would come across to Dohyun.

“Dohyun, I just…”

“…”

“It’s just… you could’ve really gotten hurt, so—”

“You can’t just unplug the alarm like that.”

Jooyoung’s stammering excuse was abruptly cut off by a police officer who had just exited the building. He gave Jooyoung a brief glance before turning to Dohyun and continuing.

“I’m guessing you unplugged it because it was beeping. Please make sure to replace the battery.” 

When the smoke detector started beeping for a battery replacement, Dohyun had simply unplugged the cord instead of changing it. That’s why the alarm hadn’t gone off despite the thick smoke. The officer pointed that out, tapping the file in his hand against his thigh. 

“Do you want to file the report now? It’s not urgent, so you can come back later if you prefer.” 

Dohyun looked down at the ground for a moment and then replied in a subdued voice, “I’ll go now.” The officer then handed him off to another uniformed officer.

Even as he got into the back seat of the patrol car, Dohyun didn’t look back at Jooyoung. And Jooyoung couldn’t bring himself to call after him or follow. The raw humiliation he’d just seen on Dohyun’s face held him back.

He hadn’t meant for it to happen like this. But he’d hurt Dohyun again.

***

Luckily, the smoke had all dispersed, so the interior of the building was unharmed. Soon, all the residents returned to their homes.

Click. Jooyoung locked the door behind him as he returned to his room. Nothing had changed—it was exactly the way he’d left it.

He stood still for a moment before walking over to the desk. There were messages from Sungwoon and Arin, but he didn’t bother checking them.

“…”

He dropped the phone onto the desk with a soft thud, then turned around—only for his eyes to catch on his bag. After a moment of hesitation, he decided to unpack it. He needed to do something—anything—to distract himself from the heavy guilt pressing on his shoulders.

As soon as he unzipped it, the first thing he saw were plushies. A collection of character dolls in various sizes sat at the very top. He pulled one out and stared at it blankly before placing it back down. It could’ve been a good memory… but now, because of one poor choice, it turned into a ruined day.

As he pulled out clothes to put in the laundry, a piece of unfamiliar clothing caught his eye. It was Dohyun’s work jacket. He didn’t know why it was there. Maybe when Dohyun had left for Seoul ahead of him, he’d forgotten it in the closet and Hangyeol had packed it.

Jooyoung picked it up and held it to his face. A faint trace of Dohyun’s scent still lingered.

Maybe he could use returning this as an excuse to see him again—just a brief thought. But right after, a pang of pain hit his chest. The fact that he needed an excuse to see Dohyun now… it only emphasized how broken their relationship had become.

“Haa…”

He was about to hang the jacket when something slipped from its pocket—a piece of paper. Still holding the jacket, Jooyoung crouched down and picked it up. To his surprise, it was filled with Dohyun’s messy handwriting.

Jooyoung’s hand started to tremble as he read the words without thinking:

[1. Morning meds

2. Shower

3. Apply scar ointment

3. Vacuum

4. Check the gas valve

5. Lock the storage room

6. Turn off the lights

7. Wallet

8. Car keys

9. Jooyoung’s meds]

The back of the paper was heavily indented, as if he’d pressed hard while writing. It was a to-do list..

On the day they were heading to Seoul, Dohyun had seemed unusually busy. A bit scatterbrained. Jooyoung had just assumed it was because the trip had been scheduled on short notice. He hadn’t thought much of it.

But for some people, these were all things they did without thinking. For Dohyun, they were tasks he had to write down to avoid forgetting them entirely.

Everything Dohyun had been hiding was laid bare in this one slip of paper.

“Ah…”

Jooyoung’s hand dropped to his side. His vision blurred, like he was underwater, and his face began to burn.

Dohyun was desperately trying to keep his life from falling apart. Just how hard he had struggled, how difficult that process must have been—it was impossible to even begin to fathom.

Jooyoung recalled the first time he took meds himself.

He remembered staring at the two pills in his palm for a long time before bed. He’d felt like once he took them, there’d be no going back. The impending change filled him with dread. It was a difficult time.

But Jooyoung had family by his side. And though it was over now, at one point, Sungwoo had been there too. He’d been hurt by the way they treated him like a ticking time bomb, and he’d grown sick of hollow words meant to comfort, but at the very least, he hadn’t been alone.

But Dohyun had no one.

No one knew what he was going through. He was fighting alone.

Jooyoung had believed he was the only one in pain—that he alone had to endure hardship. He felt wronged. So he took it out on Dohyun, using him as an outlet for all his pent-up resentment, without hesitation or remorse. He thought it was okay.

All the while, never realizing that Dohyun had been standing completely alone.

“Ah… what have I done…”

Jooyoung buried his face in his hands as if by doing so he could somehow escape what he’d done. 

The only item on the list that wasn’t crossed off was Jooyoung’s meds.

That night, when they’d had beer with Hangyeol in the hotel, Dohyun had told him not to take his meds if he was drinking. Then he’d noticed Jooyoung’s unease and comforted him, saying he’d stay by his side so there was no need to worry.

“Hrr…”

His eyes burned like fire. Soon, his thin shoulders began to shake erratically. Muffled sobs, like something stuck in his throat, gradually filled the room.

Even as the paper in his hands grew damp with hot breath and tears, Jooyoung couldn’t lift his head. He wanted to disappear.

The shame wasn’t Dohyun’s to carry. It belonged to him.