PSY CH 30

“Ugh…!”

At dawn, Jooyoung woke with a start, his heart pounding. He fumbled around the bed for his phone to check the time—it was still far from morning.

Staring blankly at the ceiling, he was suddenly overcome by thirst, so he sat up. But the slippers he usually kept neatly by the door were scattered, as if someone had kicked them—one by the window, the other near the head of the bed.

“…Ah.”

He was puzzled for a moment, but then a sharp pain pulsed through his head, forcing a short sigh from his lips. He stumbled a little before sitting down in front of the fridge. The bottled water was ice-cold, so he had to sip it slowly.

“Sigh.”

He roughly wiped his wet lips and pressed his forehead to his knees. A heavy sigh escaped him. Only after a few blinks, the headache slowly eased.

Jooyoung turned his head to the side, staring into the darkness. His hand on the floor felt as if it were a bone exposed to the earth, so devoid of life. 

He curled his fingers inward, touching his thumb to his ring finger. The cold metallic sensation was longer there. Suddenly, a wave of emptiness washed over him—something different from lingering attachment.

Jooyoung tore his gaze away from his hand and lifted his head, which had been resting on his knees. He opened the fridge door to put the bottled water back. Inside, there were drinks, a few bottles of water, and, finally, the side dishes from his aunt that he had never managed to deliver.

“You have dated a man, haven’t you?”

In that instant, a chill ran down his neck.

Bang! Jooyoung closed the fridge door and sluggishly climbed back into bed. As he pulled the blanket over his head, all he could see was darkness, and all he could hear was the sound of his own breathing. He whispered to himself to just go back to sleep and tried to clear his mind. But as soon as the silence surrounded him, memories came flooding in all at once, disorganized and overwhelming.

“A criminal record and gay? Fuck, you’ve really got it all, huh?”

“Tell me the truth, and I’ll delete the CCTV footage.”

His vision spun in dizzying circles even though his eyes were tightly shut.

“Ah, seriously…”

He felt nauseous, as if he might throw up everything he had just drunk. Jooyoung curled up completely. Even though he covered his ears with his palms, he couldn’t shake the voice that had taken over his mind. He gasped for air, feeling crushed, as if suffocating.

Only a few people knew that he was gay. In terms of society’s general perception, Jooyoung thought it was better to hide it. Also, he was never the type to share personal details with others. Naturally, his family didn’t know.

But now, Dohyun found out.

Jooyoung spent the entire day replaying his actions over and over, wondering where he had made a mistake for Dohyun to realize. He regretted that he had provoked Dohyun that day, that he should have accepted and endured whatever insulting words came his way.

No, from the start, he should have rejected him when Dohyun tried to kiss him. He shouldn’t have dismissed it as just “him liking me” and let it slide so casually.

Jooyoung underestimated Dohyun far too easily. He thought he could keep controlling him with just those two phrases—Don’t do it. Go ahead— bending him to his will. He never imagined it would come back around like this, leaving him completely trapped.

“Is this really the original footage?”

Dohyun sarcastically mocked that he had watched too many movies, but Jooyoung just wanted to make sure. Dohyun, standing to the side of the office, gestured for Jooyoung to check.

“You can check it if you want.”

And that was the end of it. The footage was deleted, and the secret was out. The smile that Dohyun gave at that moment was so strange that Jooyoung felt like he’d never forget it.

“…Ah.”

Jooyoung couldn’t hold it in any longer and jumped out of bed. The blanket slipped to the floor, but he didn’t have the energy to pull it back up. He fumbled around for the medication packet and tore it open roughly. After swallowing it with some water, he pulled the blanket back over his head.

He felt ashamed and anxious

He was ashamed of having cared for Dohyun, who had begged him to stay, and he was anxious about how Dohyun would press him now that he knew his secret.

Dohyun was no longer a child, yet without realizing it, Jooyoung kept seeing the boy he used to be in the current him. So pathetic.

Jooyoung curled up like a shrimp. Soon, the medication began to take effect, and sleep, which had eluded him, finally found him. His eyelids grew heavier, and he slipped into unconsciousness, as if he had fainted.

***

Dohyun sat on the edge of the bed as he was lost in thought. His gaze had been aimlessly wandering in the air for a while. The unlit cigarette rolled between his fingers. He rarely smoked at home, yet a moment ago, an impulse made him take one.

“Hwangdo, I’ll go wash up first.”

Sieun, who had entered the bedroom, casually removed her top. She kicked off the pants caught around her ankles with her heel, and then reached behind her to unhook her bra. However, as she was about to undo the clasp, she suddenly stopped. 

“Didn’t you say you haven’t slept in a few days?”

Sieun tilted her head to closely observe Dohyun.

“Your face looks fine though.”

Whenever Dohyun’s insomnia worsened, he would always call Sieun, so she knew his face better than anyone. But contrary to expectations, his face looked good. His skin wasn’t rough, and the whites of his eyes weren’t bloodshot, giving him a clean appearance.

Dohyun bent the cigarette in half and tossed it to the floor. He placed one hand behind him on the bed and rubbed his forehead with the other. Wearing only her underwear, Sieun approached and placed one knee on the bed. Their distance grew much smaller.

“I told you. You should really go to the hospital.”

“…”

“I’m not a sleeping pill.” 

Sieun pressed on Dohyun’s shoulder with a mischievous smile. Her touch, tapping on his firm muscles like playing a piano, gradually became stickier.

“Haa.”

Sieun pressed her body closer to his. Her fair hand slowly caressed his thick chest.

“…”

Dohyun naturally embraced Sieun’s body as she leaned into him. There was a mixture of faint perm solution smell and sweet perfume. He gripped her waist, passing over her slowly rising and falling abdomen. Her concave waist had just enough flesh to make it pleasant to touch.

After rubbing the soft skin with his thumb, he moved his hand lower as if it were the natural next step.

“Ah…”

Sieun exhaled softly while gripping Dohyun’s nape and shoulder. Dohyun hooked his finger on the black lace panties. It was a familiar sensation.

But why? Suddenly, a body with a completely different feel came to mind.

A skinny waist with no flesh and a flat chest.

“You’re right. I dated men.”

Even to the voice tinged with faint shame.

“…”

He slowly took his hands off Sieun. He pushed away her hands that were on his shoulders and got up completely from the bed.

“You’re not going to do it?”

Sieun, who plopped down on the bed, asked with a puzzled face. She was in her underwear but showed no hesitation in exposing her body. She looked free and comfortable.

“Yeah.”

“Ah, I really wanted to do it today.” 

Dohyun left the bedroom without answering. The living room with its lights on was as bright as day, but outside the window, darkness had fallen long ago.

He vaguely heard Sieun, who had been grumbling, eventually making a call to someone. Dohyun lay down on the sofa and brought his phone to his face. He roughly scanned through the accumulated messages.

“Hwangdo, I can take a shower before leaving, right?”

Sieun, who seemed to have finished her call, peeked her head out from the bedroom with her phone in hand.

“Do whatever you want.” 

“Okay.”

Before long, the faint sound of water could be heard. Dohyun played with his phone for a moment, then tossed it onto the table. His arm fell off the sofa.

“…Ha.”

Suddenly, a chuckle escaped him.

He had always believed the distance between Jooyoung and himself was impossible to bridge. He’d tried all sorts of desperate measures to close that gap, but no matter what he did, it never changed. Jooyoung always looked down at him from just out of reach, occasionally showing a flicker of interest—like a gesture of charity.

That same Jooyoung had fallen to where he was, carrying an enormous secret.

Dohyun slowly rubbed the inside of his cheek with his tongue. A sticky interest passed over his dark pupils.

Dating a man…

Him, Bae Jooyoung.

“…”

For a moment, Dohyun’s eyebrows twitched. It was because of some imagination that quickly flashed through his mind. Holding hands with a man, kissing, and then also…

“Damn it, what the…”

Dohyun roughly wiped his mouth. The sensation of that skinny body he had recalled earlier came alive again at his fingertips. He was bewildered. No matter how much he shook his hand as if something dirty was on it, he couldn’t shake off the feeling.

Finally, he abruptly got up from the sofa and grabbed his wallet. He felt like he needed to smoke a cigarette right away. He needed to peel off the imagination that was sticking persistently to one corner of his mind.

Dohyun’s face was contorted as he hurriedly left the house.