PSY CH 79

It felt like cold water had just been poured over his head.  

He might have told Jooyoung that he could come over in the heat of the moment, but Dohyun couldn’t shake the feeling that it had been a mistake. 

Right after what had happened, all he could think was that he had to keep Jooyoung close, no matter what. If Jooyoung resisted, he was even prepared to force him to stay within sight. But then Jooyoung’s confusing attitude, as if he were testing him, threw him into turmoil. To be honest, he was scared.

“I just wanted to hear your voice.”

What on earth did he mean by that? That one line wouldn’t leave his mind, and the entire day passed without him knowing how. He kept trying to understand the intent, to interpret, to come up with some explanation. But nothing ever felt certain, and he was left disappointed again.

He could’ve just settled on the idea that Jooyoung was feeling anxious. That should’ve been enough. But it wasn’t. Because the Jooyoung he knew was never the kind of person to say needy things. He never relied on others, never looked for help.

“…Fuck.”

Dohyun muttered irritably and yanked the faucet hard to the right. Even then, his erection remained stubborn, dripping sticky fluid as if in expectation. He felt ashamed of himself, his body twitching in the cold air. It wasn’t until the icy water made his teeth chatter that his erection finally subsided.

“Hoo…”

He roughly dried himself with a towel and stepped out. Before he realized it, it was already time for Jooyoung to arrive. It wasn’t even the first time he’d seen Jooyoung in his home, and yet for some reason, he felt a little nervous.

Dohyun slumped onto the sofa and stared out into the darkening evening.

Maybe he should’ve gone to pick Jooyoung up…

The thought came without warning, followed by a sigh. He dragged a hand harshly down his face and cursed under his breath. 

“You idiot, seriously…”

He’d told himself not to get caught up in Jooyoung’s unclear intentions again. And yet here he was, waiting like he was some lovesick boyfriend…

Boyfriend.

The instant that word came to mind, a sinking feeling washed over him, like the floor beneath him had disappeared.

“What the…”

Dohyun opened and closed his mouth soundlessly, his face pale as a sheet, before suddenly jumping to his feet. He wandered aimlessly around the living room, only to freeze in place when he caught sight of his reflection in the window. His face, a storm of emotions, was both deathly pale and flushed with a mix of conflicting feelings. He looked utterly wrecked—like a complete mess.

This won’t do. 

He couldn’t face Jooyoung like this.

Overcome by a sense of impending doom, its origin unclear, Dohyun began searching for his phone. Only then did he remember he’d lost it. He clenched his teeth and cursed.

Beeeeep—

Just then, the old doorbell rang. Dohyun flinched.

“Ah, fuck…”

He rubbed his face roughly with both hands. 

Should he even open the door?

If he did, he knew he’d just end up getting swayed again by Jooyoung’s ambiguous behavior. Maybe it would be better to just tell him to go back…

Suddenly, he realized the silence had gone on for too long. Could Jooyoung have already left? A wave of dread crashed into him, and he rushed toward the front door.

Clunk— When he opened it, Jooyoung was still standing there. He hadn’t left. Dohyun felt a flash of relief in that fleeting moment.

“Can I come in?”

Jooyoung smelled fresh, as if he had just taken a shower.

“…Yeah.”

Dohyun held his breath as Jooyoung walked past him. He knew he acted like a fool, but he couldn’t help it.

“Here. For you.”

Jooyoung placed a white box on the living room table. It had the logo of an apple with a bite taken out— It was a phone. 

“It’s my old one. I reset it.” 

“…”

“Use it until you buy a new one.” 

He had a habit of losing things, so it wasn’t all that surprising that he didn’t have a phone today. It was a bit inconvenient, sure, but it’s not like there was anyone he talked to every day anyway. Besides, there were unused phones lying around in this house, too.

“I don’t need it. Take it back.”

Dohyun picked up the box and held it out. Jooyoung didn’t take it—he just looked up at him steadily. 

“I said take it.”

“Why? I’m telling you to use it.”

His expression was innocent, like he truly didn’t understand, and something about that annoyed Dohyun. 

“Goddamnit, do I look that poor to you?”

“What?”

Jooyoung’s face twisted in disbelief. He looked like he couldn’t understand why Dohyun was suddenly getting angry. 

“I just brought it because I thought you’d need it.” 

“Did you ask me?”

“…”

“You didn’t even ask—why the hell do you just do whatever you want? Haaa… damn it.”

Dohyun roughly raked his fingers through his hair in frustration. He tried to calm down, but his heart was pounding violently. At this rate, he felt like he’d explode and unload every bit of pent-up resentment onto Jooyoung. 

Jooyoung was always like this.

Always giving him things as if it was some kind of favor. Sometimes it was half-eaten ice cream. Sometimes it was used pens or toys that he got bored with. Unless it was something Jooyoung had tried once and decided he didn’t like, it was almost never new.

Dohyun swore—he had never wanted any of it. Not once. Except for that first day they met, when he’d been distracted by the sweet ice cream. Not even once since then.

Even when he said he was fine, Jooyoung always brushed off Dohyun’s refusal with, “But you don’t have this.” But just because he didn’t have something didn’t mean he wanted it. No matter how much he liked Jooyoung, he hated the things Jooyoung gave him like he was throwing away trash. It felt like a constant reminder of where they stood. Sometimes it hurt his pride, sometimes he resented it—but even so, he couldn’t bring himself to throw Jooyoung’s things away. That in itself felt pitiful and miserable.

If Jooyoung had at least asked him whether he was using them well, maybe it wouldn’t have felt so pathetic. But Jooyoung always forgot about the things he gave Dohyun, as if he’d never handed them over in the first place. In a way, it made sense—no one checks back on what they threw into the trash.

“…Please.”

“…”

“Just take it back.”

His voice, now mixed with a metallic rasp, was drained of strength, like someone who already knew this was a losing battle.

“…”

Jooyoung didn’t understand why he was reacting so sensitively, but faced with Dohyun’s uncharacteristic behavior, he couldn’t insist any further. When he took the white box back, Dohyun wiped his face with his hands and spoke weakly, “…Sleep in the room. I’ll sleep out here.”

The light in the living room went out, and Dohyun lay down on the sofa. He turned on his side, arms crossed, hiding his face.

“…”

His broad back looked unusually small. Jooyoung couldn’t bring himself to move and just stared at him in silence. Only after a long while did he finally head toward the bedroom. Taking over the bed after kicking out its owner felt strange. Seeing how unwell Dohyun looked, it probably made more sense for Jooyoung to leave the house instead. But Jooyoung didn’t want to be alone. 

He wanted to be beside Dohyun, not anyone else. Only with him did he feel less anxious.

In the end, no matter the moment, the most important person to Jooyoung was always himself.

“Ah…”

Jooyoung collapsed sideways onto the bed. Thankfully, Dohyun’s scent lingered strongly in the room. He could feel his body gradually relax. His eyelids fluttered slowly before shutting tight.

Unlike Dohyun, who couldn’t sleep because they were in the same house, Jooyoung fell into a deep sleep right away. 

When he woke up in the morning, Dohyun was already gone. Jooyoung looked around the empty house, then impulsively picked up the coat Dohyun had left on the sofa. Pressing his nose into it, he breathed in the cigarette smell mixed with Dohyun’s scent.

Somehow, it felt like he wouldn’t be so anxious today. 

“…”

Did he find his phone?

Or did he buy a new one? Still half-asleep, Jooyoung stared blankly, thinking.

This weekend, he had to go to Seoul. With Joosung’s formal family meeting coming up, his family was planning to go shopping for clothes together. He wasn’t particularly interested in the event, but the chance to go to Seoul made everything feel worth it.

Still, the thought of not being able to stay in touch with Dohyun made him uneasy. He wanted to urge him to buy a new phone quickly, but after what happened yesterday, it wasn’t easy to bring it up. Why had Dohyun gotten so angry all of a sudden? He had only brought the phone because not having one would be inconvenient for both of them.

No matter how hard he thought, he couldn’t come up with a reason for that anger. Anyway, his body felt refreshed after a good night’s sleep, but his head was a mess. Jooyoung spaced out for a while, then impulsively threw on Dohyun’s coat.

Bzzz—

He was just about to leave the house when the vibration cut through the silence. It was a call from his mother. A strange sense of unease washed over him.

“Hello?”

Before he could say anything more, a voice came through the line—

—Jooyoung-ah, I’m so sorry…

It was his mother’s voice, filled with helpless guilt—the kind of tone Jooyoung was far too used to, one that irritated him more than comforted.

***

The sound of footsteps echoed loudly through the quiet.

Rounding the landing and unlocking the security door, Dohyun came to a halt when he saw Jooyoung crouched in front of the apartment door. 

Jooyoung had his forehead resting on his knees, but must’ve sensed the presence—he slowly lifted his head. He looked exhausted, like he’d been waiting a long time.

“…”

Dohyun had planned to be angry. He’d told himself to keep it minimal—to not let himself be swayed by someone who came only to shake him again. He was angry. But he couldn’t say anything when he realized that the coat Jooyoung was wearing was his own.

“Dohyun-ah.”

Jooyoung finally broke the silence.

“Wanna go to Seoul with me?”

It was something Dohyun never expected to hear.