PTK Ch 24

The child was small. It was difficult to find any vitality in his eyes as he looked out the window. Various toys were placed around him, but he showed no interest in anything.

There was no noticeable strange behavior. Rather, he displayed an unusual calmness for his age. Being mature does not necessarily have a positive meaning. It could be a big problem if a child wasn’t childlike.

Professor Patterson cautiously approached the child. Even though he sensed the presence, the child did not turn his head. He handed him a toy.

[Why don’t you play with this?]

[…….]

The child stared blankly at the offered toy. Then he reached out and grasped it. Then he just stared out the window again. The toy remained clutched in his hand just as he had received it.

He stroked the child’s head. The child flinched his neck. That was all. He didn’t actively lower his head and pull away.

He looked back. His eyes met Amanda’s, her face full of worry. Professor Patterson led her out of the play therapy room.

Back in the consultation room, the two sat facing each other across the desk. Amanda’s blue eyes wavered with a vague sense of anxiety. Professor Patterson took off his glasses and carefully began to speak.

[It is not easy to look into the child’s inner world. If there is a door to a person’s heart, it is wide open in childhood, but it gradually closes as one experiences failures and hardships. However, this child’s door seems to be already tightly locked. Did you say he is seven years old this year?]

[Yes.]

[Even aside from his physique, he doesn’t seem like that age. He shows no curiosity or interest in new spaces, people, or things. The fact that he can’t speak English at this age is not evidence of neglect or abuse. But we can speculate. Children, like adults, have desires, and all humans are proactive in order to fulfill those desires. Even if they cannot speak, they somehow try to communicate. But this child is different. He does not reveal what he wants. He also shows a very stiff reaction to physical touch. We often refer to the family as the primary social group, right? It seems like he hasn’t learned proper social skills there. While I cannot definitively say that he has been subjected to continuous abuse, it is clear that he has been neglected for a long time.]

[…Oh.]

Amanda couldn’t finish her sentence. Although she was prepared, hearing confirmation from an expert made her heart sink.

Professor Patterson showed her a drawing.

[This is a picture the child drew during the last art therapy session. What do you see?]

[Well…]

She tilted her head, staring intently at the picture. Black, indigo, purple, low-saturation red. Mostly dark colors were used in the drawing. Heavily crumpled lines tangled and overlapped, forming a strange shape. But it was hard to tell what it was. Just by feeling, she sensed it wouldn’t be an optimistic image.

She looked at Professor Patterson with anxious eyes. She let out a low sigh and opened her mouth.

[It is himself.]

[What?]

Quite surprised, she looked at the drawing again. Something in the shape of a person was lying down, and a long, thick line, like a road, was drawn over it. Many people passed along the road. At the end, the entrance, or rather the door, of a pitch-black cave was visible. Sharp glass shards, or something like sharp teeth, were attached to the edges of the door. All the people were facing towards it. From another perspective, it looked as if the black thing was not a door, but the mouth of a monster wrapping its long tongue around a person and swallowing them.

[Is this really the child’s self-portrait?]

[Yes. Through drawings, we can glimpse how the child perceives himself, what his relationships with others are like, and things like the emotions he feels at each moment or his perspective on the world.]

Professor Patterson turned the drawing towards himself and continued to explain.

[The person buried in the road is probably the child himself. He is alienated and isolated from the world. It looks like he’s dead, or maybe he’s just buried. The important thing is the attitude of the people. Even though there are so many people, they are indifferent to the child. I also feel a sense of solid despair from the thickness of the floor separating the two. Did you say the child witnessed his biological mother’s death directly?]

[Yes.]

[It’s never a good thing for a young child to know death. When the mind is immature, it can come as a great shock. It’s a difficult concept to understand, and it can also instill a vague fear. Witnessing the death of a loved one directly and being left neglected by their side for several days is something even adults have difficulty coping with. It must have been an even bigger event for the child.]

Suddenly, she points to something that looks like a jet-black door.

[Do you happen to know what this here represents?]

[A door… I guess? It also looks like a monster.]

[Well, it’s similar. But to the child, this is also himself.]

[What?]

[If you look closely, the person lying on the floor and the monster are connected by some kind of string. The color is red, almost like a blood vessel connecting heart to heart.]

She carefully examined the area where Professor Patterson’s finger touched. Sure enough, there was a red circle on the chest of both the monster and the human. The two were connected by a long line. She gazed at Professor Patterson as if seeking an explanation.

[I think it’s an expression of the self. Everyone develops emotions like fear, anxiety, and resentment when threatened from the outside. This child has also been continuously neglected or abused, so he must have accumulated corresponding emotions. The problem arises when such things are not resolved in a timely manner. Internalized stress makes a person’s mind sick. It is easy for people with sick minds to develop antisocial personalities. In fact, many heinous criminals have the commonality of having been abused by their parents or ignored by those around them during their childhood.]

[But this child is still young. If we treat his wounds with all our heart, can’t he live a normal life?]

[There is only one way to heal this child. It is for the person he has formed an attachment to to show consistent attention and affection. That’s something even the child’s parents couldn’t do.]

She seemed to understand what Professor Patterson was worried about. Amanda wasn’t the child’s mother. She had no obligation to take responsibility for the child to the end. The feelings she had towards the child were closer to pity than pure affection. She couldn’t guarantee whether she could smoothly interact with a child who had failed to form attachments with such feelings. Amanda herself wasn’t sure she could do it. Amanda’s eyes closed. Her clasped hands tightened.

Professor Patterson still suggested a faint possibility, saying,

[There is still hope. Although he has closed his heart, the child definitely has the desire to be loved like other children. Children are much more flexible than adults, and they are easily influenced and changed. Would you look this way?]

Professor Patterson showed her the same drawing again. He pointed steadily somewhere with the pen he was holding. Amanda, who had been staring at the spot for a while, gave a puzzled look.

[What is this?]

[Tears. The monster’s tears.]

🎥

The front of the cathedral was crowded with people. The bells rang out majestically, blessing the wedding.

[The bride was like an angel. The wedding ceremony was solemn and sacred. Love sworn before God… Isn’t it so romantic?]

A young girl chattered in an excited voice. Her eyes shone with rapture, and her hands were clasped together. She was a child who looked good in a frilly light blue dress. The boy next to her clicked his tongue openly.

[If it were romantic just two more times, a truckload of people would die of boredom. And what’s with that dress? It’s not sexy at all. How can anyone look forward to the first night like that?]

[John, everyone knows you’re an idiot even if you don’t show it off. So, can you please shut up about being sexy and whatnot at a sacred wedding ceremony?]

[Would I be more of an idiot than you, who dreams of a prince on a white horse? And what, sacred? Simon said that a wedding ceremony is where two men and women officially recognize each other as lifelong sex partners. What’s so sacred about that?]

[Ugh, that’s disgusting.]

The girl dry-heaved and expressed her disgust. The way they bickered was exactly like siblings of similar age. Amanda, who had finished greeting acquaintances, separated the two who were about to engage in a fight.

[You two are at it again. Everyone knows you’re inseparable even if you don’t show it off so much.]

[No way!]

[No way!]

Even the way they protested by yelling back was similar. Ignoring the indignant siblings, Amanda looked around. The child who should have been with them was nowhere to be seen. After searching for the child with her eyes for a while, she asked the bickering siblings.

[Where is Yiljoo?]

[I don’t know.]

[I think he didn’t come out from inside?]

[Why didn’t you bring him with you?]

Leaving the children behind, she returned inside the cathedral. Guests remained scattered inside. Passing them, she opened the heavy door of the chapel.

She saw Cha Yiljoo standing still in the same spot where he had been sitting during the ceremony. He was staring at the large cross with his head held high. The light that had passed through the stained glass enveloped him brilliantly.

She watched him for a moment from the doorway and then approached him. She gently held young Cha Yiljoo’s shoulders.

[Yiljoo? What are you doing here?]

Only then did Cha Yiljoo turn to Amanda. Then he turned his head back towards the cross. The image was clearly reflected in his black eyes.

Amanda didn’t interrupt Cha Yiljoo. She simply followed his gaze silently. After a long while, he opened his mouth.

[Amanda, is there really a God?]

[Of course. God is in everyone’s heart. That’s why people dream, have hope, and overcome even the most difficult moments.]

[Is it true that He saves everyone without discrimination, whether they are good or bad, rich or poor, white or black?]

[Of course. All humans are equal before God.]

She gave a generous smile. Meanwhile, Cha Yiljoo was still staring intently at the cross hanging on the wall.

[Then why didn’t He save me?]

He asked abruptly. She looked down at Cha Yiljoo with surprised eyes. His tone, as well as his expression, didn’t carry any emotion like anger or dissatisfaction. It seemed like pure curiosity, and that made her heart ache even more.

[Was He angry because I didn’t believe in Him?]

Cha Yiljoo guessed the reason in his own way. Amanda sat down at eye level with him. Then she held his shoulders and made him look at her.

[It must be because there are too many people He has to take care of, and He didn’t have the capacity. He sent me instead. A beautiful and kind incarnation of God.]

Despite the playful answer, Cha Yiljoo didn’t smile back. He just slowly looked at Amanda’s eyes alternately. Amanda lightly bumped her forehead against his.

[I love you, dear.]

[I love you too, Amanda.]

Cha Yiljoo smiled faintly. As if telling her not to worry, as if nothing was wrong.

Quite some time had passed since the therapy sessions had ended. The young child quickly learned the language and blended in with people without any problems. The wounds of the past were being overcome, albeit slowly. She wanted to believe so.

🎥

Amanda sighed, stopping mid-application of lotion. Her husband, who was reading a book in bed, raised his head. Their eyes met through the vanity mirror. Amanda immediately got up and went to the bed. Her husband put the book down and hugged her.

[I’m worried about Yiljoo.]

[Why?]

[He seems to like being alone too much. He doesn’t try to get along with John or Eily, and he just reads books in his room all day. If only Simon were home, he would have taken good care of him.]

[It’s probably because it’s unfamiliar. He might still be awkward interacting with others.]

[Sometimes I get scared, you know? I wonder if I wasn’t enough for him. If someone else had become Yiljoo’s guardian, wouldn’t he be more comfortable than now? Maybe his personality would have become brighter.]

[There is no better mother than you, Amanda.]

Her husband comforted her, pressing his lips to Amanda’s forehead. He gently stroked her light blonde hair.

Then, as if remembering something, he reconfirmed Amanda’s intention.

[But are you really thinking of enrolling him in the same school the kids go to?]

[Yes. Why?]

[It’s a school known for being conservative. The teachers and parents are very prejudiced against outsiders. Moreover, he’s of a different race, and we haven’t formally adopted him, so I’m worried if he’ll be able to endure it.]

It was a concern that he, as someone from an immigrant family, could relate to even more. Amanda nodded as if she understood.

[I’m also concerned about that. But I can’t be by Yiljoo’s side all the time, and wouldn’t it be better than him adapting alone in a place where there’s no one to rely on? John or Eily can help him if anything difficult happens.]

[I heard there’s a school not far from here where mostly Asian children attend. How about that? At least they look similar, so he’ll be much freer from racial discrimination. I think he’ll be more emotionally stable too.]

[It’s not that I haven’t thought about it, but sending him to a place like that makes me feel like we’re accepting discrimination as a matter of course. Simon also graduated from that school, and his younger siblings are attending without any problems, so I don’t want to differentiate between our children and Yiljoo. If Yiljoo is going to live alongside other people in this country, he’ll have to go through it sometime anyway. I want to teach him how to confront things head-on rather than run away.]

[If that’s what you want, then I can’t do anything about it. Have you thought about adopting Yiljoo?]

[I’m grateful that you brought that up first, but I’ve decided to be content with my current position. A mother figure isn’t absolute for Yiljoo like it is for other children. And since his biological father is still alive, we can’t just arbitrarily settle their relationship. We should give Yiljoo time to think and decide. In the meantime, I’m going to be a strong supporter so that he can go down the right path. What Yiljoo needs right now is not a mother, but God.]

She clenched her fists. Something resembling determination flashed in her clear eyes. But it was only for a moment, and a long sigh escaped her lips.

[I hope he makes a lot of friends.]

[Let’s just wait and see.]

Amanda’s husband kissed her forehead again. After that, the couple continued to talk about things they hadn’t been able to discuss. They were so engrossed that they didn’t notice the small figure lingering outside the bedroom. Cha Yiljoo, who had been pacing around the door for a while with a book in his arms that he couldn’t understand on his own, finally turned around and went up to his room.

🎥

[You can do it, right?]

Amanda, who asked the question, had a more nervous face. Cha Yiljoo silently nodded. He even smiled brightly to reassure Amanda. Finding his thoughtfulness admirable, she stroked his hair. Then she shouted towards the upstairs.

[John, Eily! Come down quickly. If you don’t come down within five seconds, I’m leaving without you!]

The countdown started immediately after the warning. A commotion of thuds and bangs followed from the stairs. Eily and John rushed down as if competing and ran outside. It was a familiar scene that unfolded every morning. Amanda took Cha Yiljoo with her and followed the siblings, nagging like any other mother.

[You have to wipe your shoes before getting in!]

The siblings stuck their feet out the door and pretended to wipe them roughly. In contrast, Cha Yiljoo properly removed the dirt from the soles of his shoes and got into the passenger seat.

[Okay, let’s go.]

Amanda announced, putting on her sunglasses. She seemed to be firming up some kind of resolve. Soon, her car left the parking lot.

It was the day Cha Yiljoo was to be enrolled in the same school as his siblings. They could no longer postpone his schooling due to his age. She had lost sleep the previous night due to worries. However, Cha Yiljoo had a bright expression, as if making her worries seem meaningless. Thanks to that, Amanda was able to put her mind at ease a little.

John and Eily bolted out of the car as soon as they arrived at the school.

[Have a nice day!]

She hurriedly said goodbye, but the siblings barely responded and just dove into their group of friends. Shaking her head, Amanda parked the car in a nearby parking area.

[Can you wait here for a moment?]

She had Cha Yiljoo sit down for a moment by the flowerbed. This was so she could finalize the necessary procedures for his enrollment. Cha Yiljoo obediently nodded his head again. Amanda patted his cheek and entered the building first. Cha Yiljoo, who was staring at her intently, simply opened the book he had brought.

After completing the necessary procedures for the transfer, she had a meeting with the principal. The principal pulled aside one of the curtains hanging from the window. The schoolyard, where children were playing in groups of three or five, was clearly visible. And so was the figure of Cha Yiljoo, sitting alone amidst the hustle and bustle.

[Will my child be able to adapt well?]

[Well. Children have their own peer culture. Even if adults try to intervene and correct it, it doesn’t happen that way. If the child continues to be aloof like this and doesn’t try to mingle, it will be difficult for him to make friends. Most of the children have been together since the first grade, so they have already formed their own groups.]

The principal turned his gaze to Amanda and added,

[As you know, our school has a strong sense of solidarity, or information sharing, among parents. Quite a few people know about the child’s background. It’s not just because he’s Asian, but the general atmosphere is that people are wary of the wounds the child carries.]

[…Is that so? That’s not the child’s fault.]

[Of course, it isn’t. But they are quite conservative. It’s also true that the child has received psychiatric counseling for a long time.]

[How can treating an illness be a flaw? He’s not sick anymore. His sociability and interpersonal skills have noticeably improved, and a child who couldn’t even speak properly can now express himself freely in just a year. Our Yiljoo didn’t have a problem, he just didn’t have the opportunity to be loved and acquire knowledge. And this enrollment is proceeding after receiving confirmation from several experts that there will be absolutely no problems in his daily life.]

[I understand, ma’am. That’s why we allowed him to enroll. What I want to say is that regardless of adults’ thoughts or prejudices, what matters is the children. Whether they become friends or not is entirely their choice. No one can force that.]

It wasn’t going to be easy. Even Simon, who had already graduated, as well as John and Eily, had struggled to adapt to school life. It would be even more difficult for Cha Yiljoo, who hadn’t made a single friend on his own.

She looked out the window with worried eyes. Cha Yiljoo was still reading in the spot where she had told him to wait. The children in the schoolyard kept glancing at the unfamiliar Asian boy. Some whispered and giggled.

However, Cha Yiljoo paid no attention to his surroundings. He simply turned the pages of his book, scanning the dense text.

That’s when it happened.

[Eek, a bee!]

A child screamed in fright. The attention of those around him was drawn to the blonde girl. A bee had landed on the child’s pink hairpin. The startled girl turned pale.

[Oh, no! Go away!]

The girl shook her head vigorously and started to cry. As she did, the bee took flight and buzzed around the area aggressively. Its angry buzzing filled the air. The children nearby screamed and ran away.

[Oh my god!]

[That bee is huge!]

The surroundings became noisy in an instant. A few boys, driven by a sense of justice, rushed forward to chase away the bee. But it only angered the already agitated bee even more. The girl, terrified, began to sob uncontrollably.

The teacher, who had noticed the commotion late, came outside. But she couldn’t approach quickly because of the children running around.

The commotion subsided after a low rubbing sound. Everyone’s attention was focused on one spot again. The girl who had been crying loudly stopped her tears in surprise. A hand holding a book was extended towards the girl’s head. Cha Yiljoo, who had caught the flying bee by covering it with the book, soothed the frightened girl.

[It’s okay now.]

[Did you catch it?]

[I caught it.]

[Is it dead?]

[Probably.]

Only then did the girl get up. The girl’s friends, who had run away, came back and checked if she had been stung. The boys cautiously approached Cha Yiljoo and peeked at the book he was holding. After confirming the crushed bee, their eyes sparkled.

[Wow, look at its size. Isn’t that a hornet?]

[If you got stung by that stinger, your face would have swollen twice its size!]

Children quickly gathered around Cha Yiljoo. With the culprit of the commotion gone, their attention shifted entirely to him.

[Who are you? What’s your name?]

[I’m Cha Yiljoo. I’ll be attending this school starting today.]

[Weird name.]

[Is it?]

Cha Yiljoo tilted his head and smiled brightly. It was a pure smile, devoid of any awkwardness. The children quickly dropped their guard against the unfamiliar boy. They began to shower Cha Yiljoo with questions and started laughing and chatting together. Watching the scene, Amanda let out a sigh of relief. A warm smile soon spread across her face as well.

When he showed kindness, people quickly let down their guard. If he smiled and acted politely in any situation, he was readily labeled a good person. If he was kind only to them, no one doubted his true character. Pretending to be someone he wasn’t was sometimes bothersome and tiring, but he couldn’t give up the act. If someone talked to him, if someone approached him first. If he didn’t have to be alone anymore, he could suppress his true self as much as needed.

🎥

Amanda was sociable. She had more than a handful of regular gatherings, monthly or bi-weekly. Not only did she enjoy gatherings based on simple acquaintance, but she was also interested in religion, sports, social movements, and volunteer work. Thanks to this, her house was always full of guests.

That day, too, people were gathered at her house. He recognized some familiar faces. They seemed to be parents of students from the school.

[Welcome. We have guests, do you want to go say hello and then head upstairs?]

Amanda led Cha Yiljoo, who had just returned from school, to the guests. The people who had been laughing and chatting cheerfully turned their attention to his appearance. He greeted them first with a bright smile.

[Hello.]

[Oh, hi there. Hello.]

[You’ve grown a lot. Are you enjoying school?]

[Yes, it’s fun.]

[I heard you’re skipping a grade this time? That’s wonderful.]

[Oh, really? My, how polite you are, and you have such a handsome face.]

The people showered Cha Yiljoo with compliments, observing him closely. He responded with a polite “Thank you” and subtly expressed his intention to excuse himself.

[Please make yourselves comfortable. I’ll head upstairs.]

[Alright. Study hard.]

[See you next time.]

Cha Yiljoo readily accepted the handshakes they offered. Amanda watched him proudly and then sent him upstairs with some snacks. When she returned to the table, one person asked with concern,

[By the way, what are you planning to do?]

[Excuse me? What do you mean?]

[About that Asian boy. Are you planning to keep taking care of him like this?]

[Of course. He’s practically family now.]

At her nonchalant reply, the parents all exclaimed at once.

[Don’t you feel uneasy?]

[His background is a bit… you know. You’re his guardian, but do you really need to take him in yourself? Frankly, you haven’t even adopted him. There’s always the option of placing him in a facility.]

[Didn’t you say his father is still alive? If that’s true, then sending him to a facility or adopting him isn’t possible. Is he still going to therapy? I heard that people who were abused as children are more likely to cause antisocial problems later on. Have you considered that?]

[That’s right. They’re not just innocent children. You have to think about Eily, ma’am.]

Every single one of them chimed in. Amanda scoffed, as if dumbfounded, and then her expression turned serious.

[I don’t understand what you’re all talking about.]

[It’s better to prevent trouble beforehand…]

Amanda didn’t endure any longer. She immediately pushed her chair back and stood up.

[If you’re going to talk like that, please leave right now.]

She barely suppressed her bursting anger. The way she pointed towards the door with her arm outstretched was quite resolute. It was behavior unimaginable from her usually affable self.

The guests, sensing the mood, hesitantly got up. They offered the usual consolations, saying they had said it out of concern, and asking her not to take it too offensively. No words reached her ears. As they were being ushered out, the people suddenly turned to look at the stairs and said goodbye. They even promised to see each other again. A faint response came from the stairs.

[……?]

A sense of foreboding furrowed Amanda’s brow. She hurried towards the entrance. Cha Yiljoo was standing on the opposite side of the staircase. He seemed to have come down to get a drink, as he held an empty cup in his hand. Their eyes met in the air.

She hesitated to ask him how long he had been there. She was scared and afraid. But she couldn’t just overlook it.

[Did you hear anything?]

[What?]

Cha Yiljoo smiled innocently. His expression wasn’t dark. It seemed he hadn’t heard them speaking ill of him. Nevertheless, the uneasiness in her heart didn’t subside.

[No, nothing.]

Would he really be alright? Her firm belief wavered. She wondered if Cha Yiljoo could overcome the prejudices of the world, and if people’s defensiveness would become another wound for him.

Perhaps he read her mind. Looking directly at Amanda’s wavering eyes, Cha Yiljoo affirmed,

[Don’t worry, Amanda. I won’t become a bad person.]

It was even more poignant because it didn’t sound like the usual empty promises children often make.

🎥

She felt the presence of someone coming down the stairs. Soon, Cha Yiljoo hugged Amanda tightly from behind. A smile spread across Amanda’s face.

[Are you late?]

[I think I’ll know after I finish my homework.]

[I doubt you’ll just be doing homework. Have fun, and come back around dinner time.]

[Okay.]

He replied and lightly kissed Amanda’s cheek. Amanda pressed her lips against his arm and gently patted him. Just before leaving, Cha Yiljoo turned around and waved. At times like this, he seemed even more affectionate than Eily.

She stopped what she was doing and watched Cha Yiljoo walk away. Seeing his dependable back, she felt undeniably proud. Cha Yiljoo had grown up well despite the concerns of many. He had never caused any trouble, and he was always surrounded by friends. His academic performance was outstanding, and he had skipped two grades. He was a good leader with excellent manners, and he had a good reputation among the teachers. He had even led his football club to second place in the championship the year before last. If he continued like this, she would have no regrets.

When he arrived at Chris’s house, the door was open. Loud music could be heard from inside. It was as if they wouldn’t even notice if a thief broke in. Shaking his head, he closed the door and went inside.

[Yiljoo.]

As he was about to head straight to Chris’s room, he heard someone call him. It was Grace.

[Your mom prepared a bunch of stuff.]

She smiled awkwardly, holding up the snacks she had brought from the kitchen. She held out her hand. Grace shyly placed her hand on top of his. He pulled her closer and kissed her. He also instinctively caught the dish that almost slipped from her hand.

Her smiling face as she narrowly avoided the accident was charming. He kissed her blushing cheek and asked where the others were.

[Where is everyone?]

[In their rooms.]

Grace led the way up the stairs. He followed her like they were playing tag, as she kept glancing back at him. As expected, the group gathered inside was chatting and drinking beer. They didn’t seem to notice their presence because of the loud music. He hesitated just as he was about to enter. It was because of the unexpected conversation he heard through the open crack in the door.

[How long are you going to keep cleaning up after him?]

[Who’s doing it because they like it? You have to stick with him to get the girls.]

[The teachers don’t bother us when we’re with him.]

[You’re all pathetic. That’s why you’re always kissing up to him and groveling. You don’t dare say a word in front of him, but behind his back you badmouth him.]

[Does that make you feel better? I heard you’ve been benched ever since he joined. Isn’t that more embarrassing?]

[Say what you want. I’m just hanging out with him because I pity him.]

It was all slander directed at Cha Yiljoo. Even though they didn’t mention his name, he knew. It was the group he had been close with since the seventh grade, and not one of them tried to stop the others.

Grace, who was with him, furrowed her brow.

[…Yiljoo.]

[Shh. Pretend you didn’t see anything.]

He put his index finger to his lips and asked her. Grace had a reluctant expression. When he urged her with a “Please,” she reluctantly nodded.

Cha Yiljoo opened the door wide, reminding them of his presence.

[My eardrums are going to burst. Are you all deaf?]

The group visibly flinched. But they quickly regained their composure at Cha Yiljoo’s unchanged demeanor.

[Yiljoo. When did you get here?]

[Just now.]

[You’re late, man.]

They acted as usual, without any formality. Cha Yiljoo also showed no sign and laughed and chatted with them the whole time. Only Grace felt uncomfortable.

[Where did he go?]

Grace, who had left the cafe, looked around. They were on their way out after watching a movie together. She had stopped to buy a drink because she was thirsty, but Cha Yiljoo had disappeared somewhere in the meantime.

After searching for a while, she found him in an alley. He was staring intently at the back of a secluded alley.

He didn’t notice her approaching at all. Grace, looking puzzled, followed his gaze to the back of the alley. There was a group of people there. It was hard to see clearly because it was dark, but the atmosphere was quite grim. Judging by the occasional thud and groan, it seemed like a fight had broken out. More precisely, one side was being beaten unilaterally.

They were mercilessly beating a man who was begging for his life. Grace covered her mouth. If she hadn’t, she would have screamed. The reason was that the people being assaulted were none other than Chris and his gang.

She didn’t know why the fight had started. Her mind was filled with the single thought of having to save them. She looked around frantically. It was a street lined with pubs. The music was so loud in every store that even if she screamed, it would be quickly drowned out.

As she was at a loss, Cha Yiljoo suddenly turned around. Then he walked back the way he had come. Grace, staring blankly, grabbed him in a hurry.

[…Yiljoo?]

Cha Yiljoo’s face was expressionless. He showed no signs of surprise or embarrassment like Grace, not even fear. She had a bad feeling about his indifferent look.

[Aren’t you going to help them?]

[Why should I?]

[What?]

[Let’s go. It’s late.]

Cha Yiljoo pulled Grace’s arm. His eyes were still apathetic. He didn’t seem like his usual self. At any other time, he would have rushed in without hesitation. If it wasn’t possible, he would have asked for help from others, or at least called the police.

But he was trying to remain completely indifferent. There was no way to find any mercy in his unperturbed eyes. She couldn’t believe that Cha Yiljoo, of all people, was acting like this, even if the people in danger were complete strangers.

She shook off Cha Yiljoo’s hand.

[I’m not going.]

[Is that so?]

Cha Yiljoo stared at the stubborn Grace and then turned around without hesitation. He walked away with long strides, leaving her behind.

[This isn’t like you!]

Grace yelled angrily. But Cha Yiljoo didn’t slow down. He didn’t even look back.

In the end, she was able to call the police with the help of a passerby. By the time the police arrived, Chris and his friends were unconscious. Several seats in the classroom remained empty due to their long hospitalization. The teacher didn’t reveal the reason, only saying that they wouldn’t be able to see them for a while.

She glanced back. Her eyes met Cha Yiljoo’s. She couldn’t find a trace of guilt in him. During class, during club activities, he just laughed and chatted as usual.

Unable to bring herself to talk to him, she visited the hospital alone. As she was about to enter Chris’s hospital room, she heard loud voices from inside. Someone seemed to have visited before her.

Grace, who was about to open the door and enter, hesitated and widened her eyes. It was because of the familiar person she saw next to Chris’s bed. It was Cha Yiljoo. The voice she heard next confirmed that it wasn’t a mistake.

[How did you end up like this? You’re a mess, really.]

[Hey, if we’re this bad, how do you think they are? We completely messed them up.]

[Why did you fight?]

[He jumped me because I supposedly had my eye on his girl. If he satisfied her enough, would she be looking elsewhere? It’s all his fault. I was so dumbfounded, I had to teach him a lesson.]

Chris bragged without a shred of doubt. Cha Yiljoo laughed and played along appropriately.

She felt a chill run down her spine. As she unconsciously stepped back, Cha Yiljoo’s eyes suddenly turned towards the door. Grace flinched and quickly turned around. Or rather, she tried to. For some reason, her legs wouldn’t move, as if they were glued to the floor.

[Hold on. I’ll be back. I need to use the restroom.]

Cha Yiljoo excused himself and got up. He didn’t mention that Grace was there.

He came outside and closed the door behind him. Grace, who had been stepping back, found her back against the wall. Her shoulders trembled again.

[Why are you standing there? Come in if you’re here.]

Cha Yiljoo spoke casually. He even smiled without hesitation. Grace’s eyes wavered dramatically. Cha Yiljoo reached out his hand without hesitation. She turned her head away from him. She felt his gaze settle on the side of her face. She felt inexplicably intimidated.

The next moment, her wrist was grabbed. Her tense body was pulled towards Cha Yiljoo. Their lips almost touched. She pushed him away with all her might. Cha Yiljoo, who collided roughly with the wall, frowned.

[…I don’t want to. I’m scared of you.]

Her whole body trembled like an aspen leaf. Grace ran away without looking back. Cha Yiljoo, who had been standing blankly, let out a self-deprecating chuckle.

It was always the same. Anyone who witnessed his true nature was frightened and ran away. They didn’t hesitate to directly criticize him, saying he had changed. That was why. The reason he had to suppress himself, suppress himself, and suppress himself again. No one would love the real him.

🎥

[What are you going to do?]

Simon Kim asked, looking back at Cha Yiljoo. It was after he had tried on his fifth outfit in front of the mirror. A party was being held at a nearby beach for spring break. He was planning to attend a party mainly for high school students, even though he was a college student about to graduate.

In contrast to the excited Simon Kim, Cha Yiljoo was completely indifferent. He covered his face with a book and didn’t reply. He didn’t seem to be asleep.

[I think I need to buy a new shirt. I don’t have anything decent to wear.]

He made a dissatisfied expression even after emptying his entire closet. Cha Yiljoo still remained silent. He snatched the book away from Cha Yiljoo’s face. Cha Yiljoo’s brow furrowed at the sunlight hitting his eyes.

[John said Melanie from next door wants to go to the party with you. Are you just going to ignore her?]

[What strange rumors have you heard? Melanie has a boyfriend.]

[Don’t you understand a woman’s heart? He said she stares at you every time she sees you. She wants to switch from that hulking monster to you. You should make a grand entrance and win the beauty over.]

[I’m not interested.]

He reached out to grab the book back. Simon Kim raised the hand holding the book even higher. Then, with a pitying expression, he clicked his tongue vehemently.

[You’re going to refuse the most popular girl in your school?]

[If you’re that envious, why don’t you go out with her, Kim?]

[That’s a bit difficult, brother. I have Amy, whom I met last winter. So please refrain from testing my devotion.]

He made exaggerated gestures as if he was truly hurt. Cha Yiljoo burst into laughter in disbelief. Then he suddenly reached out and finally retrieved his book.

[Then go have fun with Amy. I’m going to sleep.]

[Hey, come on.]

[I said I’m not interested.]

[Lies. If you weren’t interested, why did you wrap your jacket around her waist? And in front of the entire school, no less.]

[Did John tell you that?]

[Yeah. John saw it clearly.]

[There was a problem with Melanie’s pants that day. She’s not a stranger, I’ve known her since we were young, how could I ignore her?]

[That jacket was brand new, wasn’t it?]

[Was it?]

[You just covered her up out of kindness? Even though you’re not her boyfriend? In that kind of situation, one hundred out of one hundred times, she’ll think, ‘He doesn’t even care if his clothes get dirty, he must be into me.’]

[I’m sorry if she thought that, but I don’t think I need to respond to such misunderstandings. I don’t want to cause unnecessary trouble.]

[You have to create unnecessary trouble to get the girl you want… Are you gay? Is there even a girl you like?]

[Hmm… How about this girl?]

He smiled playfully and held up a book. Simon Kim, after checking the title, made a dumbfounded expression.

[What? Beauty and the Beast?]

[My ideal type is someone like Belle.]

[Belle… Belle… Was Belle sexy?]

Simon Kim narrowed his eyes. Snow White at least had white skin, and Rapunzel had silky hair. Belle, who went to the Beast’s castle to save her father, had no particularly striking features.

Cha Yiljoo’s next words made him even more speechless.

[I like kind people.]

[Oh, please.]

[Someone with a big enough heart to love even a monster.]

Cha Yiljoo was lost in a strange reverie. Simon Kim, looking at him disapprovingly, suddenly snapped his fingers.

[Melanie is perfect. Her face is kind. And her chest is so… accommodating.]

He threw the book he was holding at him. The open book hit Simon Kim squarely in the face and fell to the floor. Simon Kim immediately lunged at him with a jab. They wrestled for a while. They finally separated after exhausting themselves. They breathed heavily, looking at the ceiling.

[You act like you’ve seen it all, but sometimes you’re so naive. Where can you find such a nice girl like in fairy tales these days? They don’t exist.]

Simon Kim’s tone was quite assertive. He even offered to bet. He muttered without paying any mind.

[There will be. Somewhere.]

🎥

The notification sound of an incoming message rang. Cha Yiljoo’s eyelids fluttered open. Manager Han immediately took out his phone. After checking the message, he glanced back. Their eyes met.

“You’re awake?”

“Yes. What’s the message about?”

“I can’t quite make out what it says, but I think it’s from Director Yoon Hyungjin. Isn’t it his birthday today? Or was it yesterday?”

Manager Han showed him his phone. As he said, there was a message he couldn’t understand at all. It seemed like it was sent while drunk.

He had received a call from him a few days ago. He said he was renting a place with some acquaintances for a birthday party and asked if he could attend. They had met as judges at a film festival and become acquainted. There hadn’t been any close interaction outside of official settings. So, when he received the call, he had given a noncommittal reply, saying he would go if he had time.

He looked at his watch. The time was already pointing to 3 a.m. By that time, the party was likely winding down.

“What do you want to do?”

He asked without much expectation. The road manager’s gaze was also directed towards the rearview mirror. Cha Yiljoo hummed, thinking for a moment, and then gave an unexpected answer.

“Head towards there for now.”

“You’re going?”

“I have to. I told him I’d stop by after my schedule.”

“What’s gotten into you? Going to a place like that.”

Manager Han made a surprised expression. He just chuckled.

He had a long dream during his light sleep. Even though it was a dream, it was just a replay of past events. So he wasn’t aware at all that he was dreaming. Every single moment felt as vivid as if it had happened yesterday. He felt that if he went back to sleep as he was, he would definitely be plagued by nightmares. That was the reason he hadn’t refused Director Yoon’s invitation despite his late schedule. If he killed time in a boisterous setting, distracting thoughts wouldn’t be able to run wild.

The car soon arrived in front of the place where the party was in full swing.

“Call me and I’ll send a car for you.”

“Okay. Go on in.”

After a brief exchange, he entered the noisy place. He had expected it to some extent, but the inside was a complete mess. The smell of food mixed with strong alcohol was the first thing that greeted him. Wherever his eyes landed, there was alcohol, empty bottles, and scattered food scraps. He frowned involuntarily. There was no one there.

“…….”

He surveyed the disastrous interior and turned off the music first. The surroundings instantly became quiet. It seemed he had made a pointless trip.

He scanned his surroundings with a dry gaze. A coat draped over the back of a chair caught his eye. Had someone gotten so drunk that they had completely forgotten their coat in such cold weather? Whoever it was, they were sure to be shivering.

Clicking his tongue, he pulled out the chair with the coat and sat down. They said nothing good comes from doing things out of character. He felt a sense of futility. He managed to find an unused glass and poured himself some whiskey. His body warmed up quickly. He had wanted to be surrounded by loud noise, but drinking alone like this wasn’t bad either.

It was just as he finished his second glass that he sensed an unexpected presence. Hadn’t everyone left already? He turned his head questioningly. The man standing behind him flinched in surprise. Where had he seen him before? He looked strangely familiar. Yet, he couldn’t quite place him. He seemed to be the owner of the coat on the chair back, as he wasn’t wearing it.

“I seem to be late.”

“…Ah, yes. Everyone must have been waiting.”

The man, replying absentmindedly, quickly added “probably” at the end. He found himself chuckling.

“Is that so?”

The man kept glancing everywhere but at Cha Yiljoo. He had the look of someone trying to figure out how to retrieve his coat.

He could have just handed it over, but he decided to offer a handshake first. He had become curious about the identity of the man who gave him a subtle sense of déjà vu.

“I’m Cha Yiljoo. Your face looks quite familiar….”

The man, staring intently at the offered hand, readily accepted the handshake. His body temperature was quite high.

“I’m Jung Euihyun.”

The moment he heard the name, a scene flashed through his mind. It was a very old movie. Was it Mia? He had come across it by chance while looking through Director Park’s filmography. The main character was played by a young boy. If that boy had grown up, he would probably look just like this man.

“That’s right, you’re Euihyun, aren’t you?”

It was a rather pleasant surprise, considering their connection. The acting of the main character in Mia was clumsy and unrefined. So he hadn’t thought that he would still be acting. If he had been acting since then, he would have a longer career than Cha Yiljoo himself. He became curious about how he had been doing all this time.

He suggested they have a drink together. He actively encouraged the hesitant man, even pulling out a chair for him. The man hesitated, then reluctantly came and sat down. The emotions he was feeling were clearly visible on his face moment by moment. He wondered how someone so transparent could act.

They talked about quite a lot of things. The difficulties the man had experienced during filming, the production environment, how he chose his projects, and even his attitude towards acting. The atmosphere was quite serious.

Now it was his turn to ask questions. He would ask, pleased by Cha Yiljoo’s interest, what schedule he had just come from, which famous actors he had worked with, what their real personalities were like and how they interacted off-screen, and what he usually did when he wasn’t working. He would ask the usual questions that anyone would ask upon meeting him. Towards the end of their conversation, he might cautiously ask for his phone number and suggest meeting again.

However, his expectations were completely off. A long silence followed after their conversation ended. The man kept looking out the window instead of at Cha Yiljoo. It seemed as if he had forgotten where he was and what he was doing.

As he watched him for a while longer, the man unconsciously muttered,

“…Doenjang jjigae.”

What?

He almost asked back. The hand that was holding his glass stopped involuntarily. He burst into laughter without realizing it. Only then did the man, realizing his sudden outburst, make a bewildered expression. He seemed to have no idea what he had just mumbled.

Should he tease him a little?

“It would be delicious with ssamjang and fresh green peppers. And fluffy rice.”

At his teasing remark, the man’s head drooped. He really seemed like an open book, his inner thoughts and emotions completely readable.

What kind of person was this man?

He changed his plan of having just a couple more drinks and leaving. He turned up the corners of his lips and suggested to the man,

“Shall we have one more drink?”