SSL 11

“No.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to.”

“I asked why. You have to give me a reason for me to accept it.”

“You are…….”

Doyoon, who had been grimacing, spat out the words.

“What’s wrong with you? If the homeroom teacher hadn’t made you, you wouldn’t have bothered me in the first place. Why are you acting like this now?”

“It was like that at first. But I found out you’re an interesting guy. Now I’m interested. I want to be friends.”

“I don’t want to. If you’re going to be like this, get out.”

Jaehyun said it as gently as possible, but only received a cold reply.

“Get out. Go home. Stop this too……. No, your school records. You need it. The teacher said he would write good things for you. He said he would be disappointed if you quit……. Then because of me, you’ll have a problem……. Cha Jaehyun, I’ll study hard.”

But he soon started rambling. As if he had scribbled underlines anywhere in his head and then forgot what the main point was. As his pronunciation started to slur, Doyoon squeezed his eyes shut and barely finished.

“I’ll raise my grades. I’m working hard. I’ll work hard until the finals. I’ll let you have the meat, and I’ll make sure it gets recorded in your school records. I’ll do well with that, so let’s end it there. Please.”

“Do you hate me that much?”

“No…….”

“If you say you hate it, that you don’t want to be friends with someone like me, that it’s horrible, that I should get lost, I’ll accept it. Is that it?”

“That’s not it. It’s not about you, it’s me……. It’s because I’m strange.”

“Huh?”

“I’m a very strange person. It’s not good if you get close to me.”

“No, why are you being so dramatic about it.”

Jaehyun let out a small laugh.

“That’s right. You’re very strange. But that’s what’s interesting. That’s why I want to be friends with you.”

“…….”

“That’s not what I mean…….”

Doyoon frowned. Jaehyun waited.

He was a kid with low scores in liberal arts subjects. While studying together, his scores for subjects that could be solved with memorization had risen a lot, but he still found Korean and English fundamentally difficult. It was only natural that it took him time to choose the words he wanted to say. Doyoon soon spoke slowly.

“I make people feel bad. I cause a lot of harm because I’m thoughtless. I’m strange to that extent. It’s not good to hang out with me.”

“Who said that?”

“……?”

“Did you really come up with that on your own? Or did others say that?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“If others insulted you however they pleased, that’s them being mean. There’s no reason for you to accept it.”

“I don’t know anything.”

Their eyes met. Dark, clear eyes. So this is his expression, Jaehyun thought.

When he’s not being forced to answer someone’s question, but speaking his own thoughts, this is the face and voice he has. It felt unfamiliar. A voice like characters written with pressure on every stroke, so much so that they had become crooked, continued.

“I never have to deal with myself. So I don’t know myself. There’s no way for me to know the me that others see from their perspective. But other people deal with me, observe me, and are harmed by me. So their judgment must be right.”

“…….”

“I am a strange person. I can’t change that, but I can make others avoid me.”

“Is that why you’ve been avoiding the other kids? Was that your own way of being considerate?”

“Yes.”

Doyoon nodded.

Jaehyun wanted to scoff. He wanted to offer some kind of advice. But he could not. If Doyoon had answered gloomily, or explained in a sad tone, he would have surely reprimanded him right away. He would have shrugged his shoulders asking what kind of nonsense that was, or at least comforted him by saying it was not true.

But Doyoon just spoke calmly. With a clear, expressionless face beneath his black eyes. There was no opening for another person to dig into. As Jaehyun stood there with an awkward expression, Doyoon added.

“I can do that. Cha Jaehyun, I think my studies are getting better thanks to you. I’m grateful to you……. And I’m already very, very sorry. For making you spend time like this with me.”

A silence for the duration of a shallow breath, then more words.

“So I don’t want to be friends with you. I want to make sure you don’t get any closer to me than this.”

“I am-.”

Jaehyun interrupted.

Having interrupted, he shut his mouth again. He had not decided what he was going to say before cutting in. He just did not like something. He did not like how the conversation was proceeding and wanted to break its logic. Jaehyun needlessly glanced at the bare wall and the tape stuck to the yellow linoleum floor before finally blurting it out.

“I’m different.”

“……?”

“I……. I told you. I said I like that you’re strange, didn’t I? I like that.”

Why am I the one rambling.

He, for his part, spoke quite logically. Jaehyun almost laughed at himself as he deliberated. Should I just say it?

The incident at the recycling area a few days ago tickled his mind. The memory of thinking that he would not particularly mind even if Kang Doyoon really was something like a necrophile. Should I tell him that now? Kang Doyoon, I actually know about that cat incident. But it’s okay.

Even if you really did something that would make other people faint by, well, normal standards, I’m okay with it. Should I tell him that right now. But Jaehyun swallowed his words. To do that, he would have to confess that he had heard the story about Park Kanghyuk from Woo Jincheol. He did not want to get caught having gossiped, whether intentionally or not.

“Let’s say people disliked you because you’re strange. For now, let’s assume that’s true. Still, I won’t be like that. I’m a little, different. I’m not that kind of person and I really hate people like that. Those humans who judge others carelessly and then exclude them, saying they feel bad or whatever. I despise them.”

“…….”

“And, Kang Doyoon. It’s not just me, but by the time you’re in high school. The other kids change a little too.”

Jaehyun carefully added the rest.

“Young kids are stupid. Is it normal or is it strange, that’s their only standard. It’s because their brains aren’t fully grown. They’re at a caterpillar level. But would it be okay for a high schooler to still be a caterpillar? By now, most people just assume it’s each person’s individuality. If something’s strange in an interesting way, it’s attractive, and intriguing.”

“…….”

“Of course, there are kids who aren’t like that. There are still a lot of immature idiots. But not all of them are like that. In any case, other people change too. There are things where it’s not me who’s the problem, but the other people around me who need to change. It’s not my fault. It never was from the start. It’s just that other people……. were very foolish.”

Emotion tried to creep into his voice. Because of his own old memories. Jaehyun raised the corners of his mouth into a smile and quickly shook them off.

“……Anyway, let’s just study for now.”

Jaehyun pointed at the table. It was a folding floor table that Doyoon had already set up in the middle of the room. The vinyl-coated top was fine, but all four of its steel legs were rusted here and there.

“You have to keep meeting me until the finals anyway. As for being friends, well, there’s no rush. You can give me an answer after the exams.”

“The answer won’t change.”

“Ah, really. I’m telling you to think about it.”

Because the reply came back as soon as he finished speaking, Jaehyun’s voice rose too. But he soon let out a deep sigh, plopped down on a floor cushion, and patted the floor. Thump, thump.

“Sit down. Let’s start studying.”

Doyoon was still frowning, but he obediently sat on the cushion across from him. Watching Doyoon take a pen out of his pencil case, Jaehyun also took out photocopies of the Korean and English exam cheat sheets from his crossbody bag and placed them on the table.

They were the past three years of midterm exam questions he got from Jincheol. The teacher for the subject had not changed, so it would be a fairly reliable cheat sheet. After briefly explaining to Doyoon what a ‘cheat sheet’ was, Jaehyun set the timer on his wristwatch and instructed Doyoon to solve the Korean problems first. He told him to just solve the problems he had marked.

Doyoon picked up his pencil. But the result after 20 minutes was a mess. It was not a matter of getting them right or wrong; he had only managed to solve six out of the twelve problems in the first place. His concentration seemed completely shattered. Jaehyun was a little surprised. Is he stressed?

Pretending to review the grading, Jaehyun glanced at Doyoon’s complexion out of the corner of his eye. Come to think of it, he did look a little pale. He had not noticed because his tone of voice was normal earlier, but maybe he had been stressed out inside.

Well, whatever the reason, he was a kid who found interacting with people burdensome, so the suggestion to become friends could have been too heavy for him. I probably proposed it too hastily. I should have asked after the exams. Jaehyun, feeling a little regretful, took out a math worksheet from his bag.

“Let’s put the past exams aside for a bit and do this first. 20 minutes. Solve just 5 problems.”

As he slid it across the table, Doyoon’s eyes widened slightly. Math Olympiad problems.

I knew it. Jaehyun smiled to himself. In the case of math, it seemed Doyoon liked more difficult problems. Even if his expression did not change, his eyes would light up and the angle at which he bowed his head would deepen. He would bring his face right up to the paper and solve it while breathing as if he were inhaling the ink. His concentration could be seen rising to several times its usual level.

First, let’s restore his mental state with this. Thinking this, Jaehyun quietly watched Doyoon bend his head over the worksheet.

A few minutes passed quietly. Doyoon let go of the pencil.

The octagonal pencil rolled across the table and fell to the floor. It was because the tabletop’s surface was uneven. While quickly picking it back up and placing it on the desk, Jaehyun saw Doyoon’s hand. His fingers were crumpled and twitching.

He didn’t let go because he was done. Jaehyun realized. He let go because his hand was trembling. There were no answers written on the worksheet at all. It was a perfect blank sheet, exactly as he had handed it out.

“Are you okay?”