SSL 23

“You bastard. Let the kid finish what he’s saying.”

“……No, yes. It’s not the same.”

As Jaehyun spoke and tapped his shoulder from behind, Doyoon started to stammer again.

“It’s not the sa, ame. Just burying it is too weak.”

“What are you talking about. What’s weak.”

“……I mean, that’s…….”

“This bastard really stutters like a fucking idiot. Do you have a disability?”

“……”

“Woo Jincheol, you really don’t watch your mouth…….”

“It, that……. that…….”

As he was frantically searching his mind, a piece of memory flashed, and Doyoon, with all his might, snatched it with the tip of his tongue and spat it out. Something that was not his own words.

“It died a really painful death.”

The moment he pronounced it, the world spun before his eyes.

His heartbeat shot up to the top of his head, and he could not hear his own voice properly. Still, Doyoon composed his breathing. It was not entirely a bad kind of tension. He was more startled by his own reaction. Because it was a sensation he had never experienced before in his life.

It was the first time. The first time he was able to speak with the conviction that it was not the wrong answer. It’s thanks to that day. Doyoon closed his eyes for a moment.

On Saturday afternoon, Jaehyun had told him. That the person who drew the dead mouse was a well-known artist in his field. He had said that the drawing was hung in an exhibition that thousands of people had visited. He also said that a certain writer had written a critique about that drawing, and that the book containing that critique had sold hundreds of thousands of copies worldwide.

Then it cannot be a wrong answer. Doyoon clenched his fists and swallowed dryly.

The words, writings, and drawings that tens of thousands of people had willingly paid money to buy and read could not be a wrong answer. If so, then Doyoon’s own heart was the same. The feeling of empathy he had when looking at that drawing, the memory of holding his breath and swallowing the lines of text that Jaehyun had translated and read aloud to him, could not be a wrong answer.

Of course, it probably was not the right answer here and now. He could not expect the kids in front of him to accept such an answer at all. They would surely say it was wrong. They would despise and mock him. Because it had always been that way until now. But even so, it could not be a wrong statement everywhere in the world.

Somewhere, in places he could not go to now, places of which Jaehyun had only conveyed the faint outlines, it could be the right answer. At the very least, it might not be a story so dirty, filthy, and disgusting that it could not be understood at all. Doyoon slowly uttered the sounds, clenching his fists so tightly that his nails dug into his palms.

“……That corpse, all of it……. was completely mangled. The guts were even……. spilling out. The flesh too……. was stuck to the ground. It was covered in blood, and the face too……. an eye was missing, and the limbs were all, crushed, and pulpy.”

“Eww,” a light sound of disgust came from the surroundings. Jincheol frowned too.

“So why the fuck did you put your lips on something like that, you perverted bastard.”

“It was mangled. It was broken. It died a very painful death.”

Doyoon spat out.

“That’s all there is to it. The fact that it was that broken, means that it was in so much……. pain. Really, that’s all it is……. Why……. do you have to be so, disgusted by it……?”

Silence. It was a dizzyingly short silence, but Doyoon quickly spat out, as if to break through the gap.

“I hated it.”

A spark flew in his eyes.

It flashed. So much so that it felt like his eyeball had been scratched. I really hated it, Doyoon belatedly realized. ‘Pain’, no, ‘anger’……. It was something like that. He tried to continue speaking, but was flustered when he realized his voice was distorted in his throat. But he had no choice, so he carefully let it flow out as it was.

“I, I didn’t want to be a person who only found it grotesque. I hated that other people did that too……. I hated it, a lot. But if I just bury it, it’s too weak.”

“……What do you mean by that.”

“Burying it, just touching it with my hands……. that could just be pretending it’s not grotesque, just an act. When in fact I hate it, just to pretend I’m a ‘good person’.”

Doyoon was surprised by the pain in his own lips. The words came out sharply, as if cutting his flesh. But he ignored it and continued.

“If it’s just an act, I wouldn’t go as far as putting my lips on the corpse.”

“Of course not. A normal person wouldn’t. It’s so fucking filthy…….”

“I, know too……. an animal that died on the street, is not hygienic. It’s really bad. I know. That’s why I did it on purpose. To be okay……. I wanted to be okay with all of that too.”

I can’t do any more. Doyoon thought to himself.

If he spoke just a little more, it felt like the strange thing under his chest would come out with it. Something that had been piling up for a long time, melting and coming not just through his throat but his nose and eyes too. He took a final breath, and then spat out the words, one piece at a time.

“It’s not that I didn’t know what I did, would disgust others. I did it knowing that. So it’s, natural, that I get criticized. But it wasn’t sexual or anything like that. Not at all. And Cha Jaehyun really has nothing to do with…….”

“Of course it wasn’t.”

Jaehyun cut in.

Thanks to him, Doyoon got a chance to breathe. As he hung his head and his shoulders shook, Jaehyun gently pressed the top of Doyoon’s head with his palm and smiled faintly.

“It was the ones who put this tiny thing up on the teacher’s platform and got their kicks by cornering him, saying ‘You were turned on, right? You were turned on,’ who were the perverts. Woo Jincheol, by any chance, do you at home… look up videos of bestiality or something?”

“What kind of crazy……. bullshit is that.”

“It’s suspicious. Earlier, you asked me what Kang Doyoon and I were doing together. You seem to be really close with Park Kanghyuk. Don’t you two secretly get together and watch only that kind of stuff? Otherwise, how could your mind be like that.”

“What…….”

“……It must be true that Kang Doyoon was the victim.”

As Jaehyun put on an innocent tone, and Jincheol was about to respond with a weak voice, another voice came from a completely different direction.

All eyes turned to the very back of the classroom. A boy with chubby cheeks and a plump body, wearing a name tag that said ‘Song Youngsoo’, sat with his fists clenched tightly on his desk and spoke clearly. Even as his face turned red up to his forehead and he trembled.

“I went to that middle school until the second year. Then I transferred. Because of Park Kanghyuk. He used to take money from me behind the scenes, and even spread weird rumors. I heard later that he got caught by the school violence committee in his third year. He was entangled in a whole string of cases. I heard he was almost sued by one of the parents.”

Listening to this, Jaehyun let out a very small exclamation, “Aha.” As if he had realized something belatedly. The air around the boy began to shift. Huh? Really? Was it that bad? Amid the stir, the boy continued.

“He’s a really nasty piece of work. So Woo Jincheol, that kind of, dirty story you heard is obvious. It’s a lie that Park Kanghyuk extracted by bullying him relentlessly…….”

“You rascals.”

Almost at the same time as the classroom’s front door slid open with a rattle, a roar echoed.

“How long has it been since the bell rang, and you’re still wandering around?”

The ethics teacher strode in, placed his book on the lectern, and narrowed his eyes over his glasses. The kids scattered in a hurry. Jincheol and Jaehyun also returned to their seats for the time being. Although Jaehyun did smile and hit Doyoon’s shoulder with his fist one more time just before going back.

Doyoon also took a couple of steps to his left and sat down. Since the fight had happened at his own desk, he did not need to go far.

Sitting down, Doyoon took out his notebook and placed it on his desk. Since it was the week right before the finals, the teacher would review the exam scope. He had to take good notes. But Doyoon, even while looking up at the blackboard, was barely able to write anything down. His hands kept trembling, and he dropped his innocent mechanical pencil on the desk several times.

He could not hear the lecture voice well either. The pulse in his temples was throbbing wildly, making his ears feel muffled. No matter how hard he tried to calm his breathing, it was the same. By the time the class was about to end, his back was soaked in sweat, and his fingertips were cold and numb, as if he had not worn gloves in winter. He started to feel nauseous too.

Doyoon lowered his head onto his desk and, curling up slightly, thought. It’s over now.

I’m going back to middle school again. There’s no point in having studied for the exams. Because there is no way the kids would let Doyoon take the exam properly. His notebook will probably disappear right before. What will happen to Jaehyun? The words a few kids had whispered echoed in his memory.

<Cha Jaehyun is kind of a letdown too.>

<Why is he trying so hard to defend something like that.>

No, Doyoon tried to deny it, cold sweat beading on his back. He’s such an outstanding kid with so many friends. There’s no way he’ll be lumped in with someone like me just because of what happened today. He’ll be fine.

From now on, I just need to cut ties for certain. I’ll write a note saying we should stop studying and give it to him, and completely avoid him both inside and outside of school. I’ll return this exam paper too. I should put it in his drawer during lunchtime. He’ll probably make up with that kid named Jincheol too, right? He will.

It’s ridiculous for Jaehyun to have problems with his friend because of someone like me. It’s something that should not happen. I hope they make up soon. I hope they do it right during the next break. Doyoon endured the class time, praying earnestly to himself, and as soon as the bell rang, he almost reflexively turned his gaze toward Jaehyun’s seat.

He saw Jaehyun just as he was getting up. He looked toward where Jincheol was sitting in the next row, gestured lightly, said something, and then went out the back door. Jincheol also got up, muttering some curse with a frown, and headed for the back door as well.

Doyoon swallowed dryly. Did they go out to make up? But as he was staring at the spot where the two had gone out into the hallway, he heard a voice.

“Aren’t they going for round two?”

“I’ve been on edge since last time.”

Two boys in the middle seats whispered, and then one of them sighed and lowered his voice. “I knew this would happen when incompatible bastards started hanging out together.”

“Woo Jincheol probably felt hurt, it’s obvious he likes Cha Jaehyun but Cha Jaehyun ignores…….”

“Kang Doyoon.”

Doyoon almost hiccupped.

He had been eavesdropping on the boys’ conversation and had not noticed someone had come and sat in front of him. In the empty seat in front, a girl was sitting perched, facing backwards. Wavy long hair, tall enough to just pass Doyoon’s head.

And she was not alone. Another girl with short hair, wearing a light purple cardigan, was standing next to her friend. The one with hair that was either curly or permed spoke again. With a rounder smile on her round face.

“You were interesting, you know?”

“……?”

“Your story earlier.”

A gentle finger crept up onto Doyoon’s desk. The tip of her shiny nail tapped the surface right next to Doyoon’s hand.

“They’re a head taller than you, but it was cool how you just jumped in between them to stop the fight. I saw you in a new light.”

“……”

“Is it true you’re really good at math?”

“……”

“Are you going to ignore me again?”

After asking, they started giggling among themselves. Doyoon pretended not to hear and picked up his pen. As fate would have it, he had not taken out any workbooks or anything on his desk. He just buried his head, desperately pretending to draw some random shape on the notebook where he had only left a few worm-like marks while trying to take notes in the previous class.

After crouching like that for a while, he heard the sound of laughter mixed with breath. The chair in front creaked and the seat became empty again. What a relief. As he raised his head, Doyoon’s gaze fixed on the top right corner of his notebook.

[Fighting!] [Do well on the exam]

Small letters were written in two different handwritings.

It seemed the girls had written them and left. When did they write them. Next to ‘Fighting’, there was a drawing too. A tiny drawing, so small it made him wonder how they drew it. Looking closely, it seemed to be a cat. A cat with a round halo over its head, and what looked like wings on both sides.

Doyoon stared blankly at the pen drawing presumed to be a cat. His brow automatically furrowed. I hate drawings like this.

Doyoon was well aware that many people drew in this style. Because his younger brother used to have many similar animal drawings attached to his bag when he was little. Doyoon felt such a sense of repulsion that he did not even want to make eye contact with them. It was a style that exaggerated and left only the parts that would look cute to human eyes, and erased the rest. To him, it looked like nothing but merciless distortion and deformation.

He knew the meaning of the halo and wings, but that made it all the more grotesque. It makes even the death of a dead thing so-called ‘cute’. Completely relying on human imagination, with no connection to the dead animal. Doyoon was seized by the impulse to secretly tear off and get rid of the drawing in the corner of his notebook. It was distracting.

But Doyoon’s eyes went to the words again. [Fighting!].