SSL 32

“That was because the homeroom teacher told you to do it. You said your student record, the teacher’s trust, and things like that were on the line. That’s all over now. I don’t want to keep getting your help even so. I’m not going to.”

“You don’t want to raise your grades?”

The question pierced him.

“You want to, don’t you? You actually raised your grades a lot on the finals with my help. You said you’re not in a position to go to an academy. So why are you trying to miss out on an opportunity like this?”

“I’ll study on my own.”

“I’ve already tutored you, so I know. It’s hard on your own. You need someone to help you from the side.”

“Then, Youngsoo.”

Doyoon blurted out the name that had suddenly popped into his head.

“Then I’ll try asking Youngsoo.”

“…Song Youngsoo?”

“Yeah.”

Song Youngsoo. One of the kids who had occasionally come up to Doyoon with math problems after the final exams.

“Youngsoo said a few times that if I teach him math, he’ll teach me Korean in return. He said he always gets a bad score because he gets all the advanced problems wrong. His phone number… he wrote it down for me.”

“Do you know him well? You’ve only talked to him a few times over the past two weeks, haven’t you?”

“Yeah. But, he’s not good at math. He said he got a 64 on the finals. So I might actually be able to help him. I’ll try talking to him.”

“He’s not particularly good at studying in general, either.”

“He said he’s good at Korean. He said his school rank is in the single digits, too. He said that when he takes the mock exams, he’s in the top 2 percent for Korean.”

“I was in the top 0.02 percent for Korean last time. It’s not like you can get by with just Korean, anyway. And, do you think he’ll teach you as diligently as I would? It’d be a relief if you didn’t just meet up to study and then end up fooling around.”

“Yeah. Still, he’s better.”

“…Better?”

“Yeah. With you, I don’t want to. I’ll learn from him.”

Silence.

“Hey, Kang Doyoon. Do you hate me?”

At some point, his voice had dropped low.

“Huh?”

Surprised, Doyoon raised his head and quickly gave the correct answer.

“No, I don’t hate you.”

It was an obvious answer. There was no way he could hate someone who had been so good to him. He wasn’t allowed to hate him, either. It was an obvious correct answer that even a fool could blurt out immediately. Jaehyun’s expression softened a little.

“Then why are you being like this?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why are you only like this with me? What I mean is… you ate the snack Baek Yeji bought at school just fine.”

A snack? As he was tilting his head, Jaehyun elaborated.

“The thing she always buys from the snack bar, My Pie. She gives you one in the wrapper to eat, too. You always accepted it obediently every time.”

“Ah… yeah.”

“And you’re even trying to form a study group with Song Youngsoo. But why are you being like this to me? You say even ice cream is a burden, that you absolutely won’t let me buy you a meal, that it’s okay with other kids but you don’t want to study with me. What’s the reason?”

At the end of his words, Jaehyun lowered his head. He averted his gaze from the table and pointlessly glared at a spot on the floor. As if he didn’t want to show his expression. Doyoon sat blankly and tried to digest the words he had just heard. Now that he thought about it, that was true.

It was fine when Baek Yeji shared the snack she had bought with her own money. He was sorry and grateful, but it wasn’t to the point where he couldn’t bring himself to eat it. But he hated it so much when Cha Jaehyun spent money on food that would just go into the mouth of someone like him and melt away. To the point where a sense of rejection rose up from his stomach.

It was scary to call Song Youngsoo. To contact someone with his own hands and even request that they spend their time with him. It was sinful. It was something he shouldn’t do. Still, it was much better than taking up Jaehyun’s time. So he had thought of it as the lesser of two evils and tried suggesting it.

He didn’t think Youngsoo would agree anyway. He was probably just saying it. If he actually called, he would be flustered and refuse. He had just brought it up in front of Jaehyun for now. Because he didn’t think he would let him go if he just insisted on studying alone.

“I am. The reason why is…”

As he hesitantly began to speak, his brother’s advice echoed in his mind. Be good.

Be good to your friend.

“To you… I want to be good.”

“…?”

“To you… I think I want to be better to you than to other kids. So… I don’t want to take your time. I don’t want to take your money… If possible, I don’t want to touch you.”

In fact, it was to the point where he wanted to stop being ‘friends,’ too.

But Doyoon swallowed those words down below his chest. Because Jaehyun would get angry if he said them. He had told him not to pretend not to be his friend ever again. That no one would believe him if he tried it now. That had become irreversible. As he was gloomily looking down at the table, he looked up to see that Jaehyun was smiling.

Just a moment ago, the corners of his mouth had been stiff, but they had softened. His eyes had narrowed, too. Ah. With his eyes wide open, Doyoon unconsciously swallowed a light gasp.

I want to draw him. His right hand twitched. An impulse he was experiencing for the first time toward a person. A voice struck his ears.

“You’re not taking my time.”

“…I am.”

“You’re not.”

Jaehyun shook his head, then stared at Doyoon intently from across the table for a moment before speaking.

“I hate academies.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t want to go anywhere near places like college prep academies. The instructors and the owners, they’re all rats who prey on other people’s pockets by threatening them with rankings. I went to the information session today purely because of you. Because I thought it would be helpful for you. If it wasn’t for you, I would never have gone to a place like that.”

“…I’m sorry.”

Doyoon said, turning pale.

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

“No, what I mean is… You said you don’t hate me.”

“Yeah…”

“Then what do you think I’m like?”

“Huh?”

“Me, to you.”

Jaehyun closed his mouth. His Adam’s apple bobbed. As if he were swallowing dryly because his throat was parched.

“What do you think I think of you?”

“…?”

“That I, you, not in a weird way. I could like you a little, as a friend.”

From the beginning of the sentence to the end, a red flush crept up from the inside of Jaehyun’s cheeks to the tips of his ears.

“No, in the first place, if I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t have asked to be friends. That’s what being friends is.”

“…”

“So even things I don’t like are okay if it’s because of you, and it’s not that my time is being taken, but that I like spending time with you, it could be like that. If you only think of it in a bad way, I might even be disappointed. It’s not that I don’t understand. I think I get why your head works that way. But think about my position, too… Kang Doyoon?”

Doyoon couldn’t react.

He couldn’t even blink. Frozen stiff in a posture of staring straight at Jaehyun’s face, Doyoon guessed that he must be making a strange expression right now. Because he could hardly feel his own face. His entire face, down to his neck, felt like it had become a rubber mask.

Unable to move a single finger, only a certain part of his brain had turned into a heart, beating regularly. It endlessly spat out a single word, circulating it throughout his entire body. A lie.

A lie. It’s a lie. A lie. Why are you lying?

My Doyoon, Mommy loves you so much. His body grew warm. It was because he was being held in her arms. A soft warmth touched his cheek, too. With a smooch sound, she pulled her lips away and smiled. A thin smile.

No? It’s not hard at all. When Doyoon was sick with a bad case of the flu, his mother stayed by his bedside at night and said. Doyoon is our son, isn’t he? For Doyoon, Mommy is okay with anything. Oppa! Eunseo called, holding out her hand.

Let’s go to school together. Yes, of course, Dad. I like Oppa. The smile drawn on the round face, chubby with baby fat. Come here, Doyoon. His brother turned his back to his friends, came over, and held out his hand. Your friends won’t play with you? Then let’s play with hyung. No, it’s not because the teacher told me to. It’s because hyung wants to play with Doyoon. I’ll just play with them next time.

You want me to be fooled again?

Under the table, Doyoon’s hand crumpled. It clenched into a tight fist on its own. As if to defend himself, or as if wanting to attack a traitor. You’re different, Cha Jaehyun.

I understand family. Family can’t help it. Because they have an obligation to pretend to love each other. Because they have to fulfill their duties. You don’t have that kind of obligation. Why are you lying? Why are you trying to deceive me of all people.

Why are you making me have expectations…

“Kang Doyoon. Are you okay?”

Jaehyun stood up and came around the table. A hand touched his shoulder. It was different from before. Not pressing down, but a touch that was so careful it was almost brushing, as if to stroke him. He knelt on one knee beside the chair, meeting his gaze.

Their eyes met. Doyoon blinked, then suddenly blurred his focus. And then the bookshelf, spread wide behind Jaehyun’s shoulder, came into view.

Books filling it to the brim. A pitch-black keyboard standing next to the bookshelf. A part of Doyoon’s heart melted like snow touched in spring, and his body relaxed. The notes of Bach came back to life in his mind. He remembered the pages of the black, blank notebook. The memory of being understood for the first time in his life. The person who had understood him.

“I don’t want to know.”

Words gushed out from between his lips.

“Huh? What.”

“Cha Jaehyun, I…”

Doyoon tried to explain. Just as he had weeks ago, sitting around on the wood-grain floor with thick art books and photo books between them.

“I don’t want to know anything about how you feel about me, what you think. I don’t want to bother imagining it. It feels bad.”

“…”

“No, that’s not it. It’s okay if you don’t like me.”

Doyoon corrected himself, stammering.

“If you say, I hate you, Kang Doyoon, you’re disgusting, get lost, I’ll disappear right away. You can tell me that anytime. I’m asking you. But I don’t like what you said just now. That you like… me. That kind of thing. I’d appreciate it if you never brought it up again. It feels bad, and scary… and I don’t like it.”

Once he had squeezed out the words, all the strength drained from his body. Still, Doyoon didn’t look away. With his chin lifted, he continued to look up at Jaehyun’s eyes, and ended up desperately adding the final question. Doyoon himself didn’t notice, but it was in a tone that even seemed to be whining slightly.

“Can you understand…?”

“…”

“If I said something weird, I’m sorry. But Cha Jaehyun, I feel like you could understand…”

Silence. Doyoon waited. For Jaehyun to nod nonchalantly and smile, as if to say, I see. He might turn around and pull a few books from the bookshelf. He might spread them out on the table and point inside the pages and say. This is what you mean, right? There’s an author who talked about something similar to you.

In that way, Jaehyun would understand Doyoon. Deeper, warmer than Doyoon himself understood his own heart. Doyoon stared intently at Jaehyun’s face and waited. Jaehyun’s expression was hard to read. Only the feeling of various parts of his face trembling was conveyed. But fortunately, it soon gathered into a smile.

“…Yeah. I understand.”

When the voice flowed out, Doyoon was relieved. Jaehyun nodded and spoke.