SSL 42

He’ll hate it. No, but Jaehyun gave it to me as a present with his own hands, didn’t he? No. He’ll still hate it. It doesn’t make sense if he doesn’t hate it. There’s no way he wouldn’t hate getting calls from a kid like Kang Doyoon, being put in a situation where he could get a call at any time.

The reason he gave me the phone as a gift, isn’t it perhaps because he didn’t expect it? Because he couldn’t foresee how annoying it would become if he gave me something like this. I have to be considerate on my own. Doyoon shook his head and quietly pushed the box away.

“I don’t want it.”

“Take it.”

Jaehyun answered nonchalantly, as if he had naturally expected a refusal at least once.

“It’s more convenient for you to use this for homework or college admission questions, too. You can send long texts, or ask questions by calling right away.”

“Yeah. That’s right. That means I can contact you anytime I want like that. Then you’ll get too annoyed.”

“For f… Hey.”

Jaehyun frowned and spat out, then sighed when he saw Doyoon flinch his shoulders.

“You’re using me as an excuse again, but I told you to say the opposite. That it’s burdensome for you, Kang Doyoon, to be in touch with me that often. Then I might accept it. But not this.”

“…But…”

“Hey.”

Jaehyun raised his voice.

“It’s your birthday today, so I don’t want to get angry… but I’m sorry, let’s get this straight. I can’t take this, it’s too frustrating. I like you. I’m happy to be friends with you. I want to get even closer in the future. And contact each other more often. That’s why I’m giving you a cell phone right now.”

“We agreed not to say things like that.”

Doyoon whispered, almost on the verge of tears.

“What you think of me, we agreed not to talk about things like that…”

“Then think about it objectively yourself.”

Jaehyun cut him off.

“If you don’t like me saying it, then you solve it yourself. Think of it as a problem. Let’s see if any other answer is possible. Now, up until now, has the kid named Cha Jaehyun been nice to the kid named Kang Doyoon, or has he been mean?”

“…”

“Answer me.”

“…You’ve been, nice.”

“Right. I tutor you diligently, celebrate your birthday, and I even fought with a friend… he was a bastard I hated anyway, but still, I fought with a friend to take your side. I’ve been really nice. Then why do you think he did that?”

“…”

“Kang Doyoon.”

“I don’t know.”

“Hey, you…”

“How would I know.”

Doyoon let out in a small voice.

“How can I know from things like that? How can I presume recklessly? I, I’m always wrong about everything.”

“No, you’re already presuming recklessly. You always presume only the worst.”

Jaehyun responded calmly.

“You’re by no means not presuming. You turn people into bastards. A bastard who unconditionally hates you for no reason. If I’m nice to you, a bastard who’s nice as a trick while actually hating you on the inside. You think that’s being considerate? Thinking about others in that way? That feels disgusting too. That’s what’s truly not polite.”

“I, I…”

“You don’t want to get hurt. You don’t want to get your hopes up and be disappointed. I understand. You’ve probably had many experiences of being disappointed, so I understand, but… I told you I’m different. I’m trying to show you a different side. Can’t you, try a little with me too?”

“That’s not it.”

Having almost shouted, Doyoon was surprised at himself.

Jaehyun fell silent. Doyoon fell silent too. He tried blinking, but his vision was blurry. The words that had been seething in his head flickered dimly before his eyes, then slowly subsided again like a white afterimage. That I don’t want to be hurt?

Yes, maybe so. But so what? You’re strong. Not being able to understand being afraid of getting hurt means you’ve never been hurt to the point of death. Doyoon began to speak again, stammering.

“…You said you’d understand, me being like this.”

“I do understand.”

Jaehyun answered in a low voice.

“But it’s still frustrating. And it makes me angry. Understanding doesn’t mean I don’t get pissed off. Besides, you’re only severe with me. I told you before. At school, you just accepted the snacks Baek Yeji gave you. You didn’t seem to feel much guilt about getting tutored by Song Youngsoo either. Why them? Is it okay for you to cause them trouble?”

“…”

“Or is it that, it doesn’t matter if they like you a little? But with me, it’s absolutely not okay?”

“You’re different.”

“Right. I’m nicer to you. Much nicer. So why are you like this with me?”

“I, you, I mean…”

Doyoon squeezed his eyes shut and lowered his head. Jaehyun waited, sitting with his arms crossed and a frown on his face. Jaehyun, at any rate, waits.

He waits until Doyoon can speak properly, then listens, and tries to understand. Thanks to that, Doyoon was able to take one more step and think. He pulls out the voice that had been muttering only to itself in a well with no one in it. He forms it into refined sentences that can be heard by others.

Though in the process, the tone tends to become a little whiny. Why should I have to do that? Doyoon silently mulled it over at the bottom of his throat.

Jaehyun says he can be trusted because he’s nice. But that’s not it. Being nice on the outside, even if it’s consistently for over a decade, is no guarantee of anything. That much, Doyoon had learned piercingly from his mother. About how stupid he was, how he could be completely trapped in his own delusions and misunderstand the other person. And about how much it could hurt to have hopes and then be betrayed.

It hurt to the point of death. He thought he was going crazy. Somehow, he barely survived. If he were betrayed again, he would really die. Why should he have to choose that path again? If you’re going to get the same problem wrong in the same way again, what’s the point of solving past questions?

Baek Yeji, Song Youngsoo, kids like that don’t matter much. If I mistakenly placed some hope in them and it went wrong, I wouldn’t die. Even up until elementary school, the attitude of other kids besides his family didn’t matter. So what they think of me, what they’re thinking when they give me something, that doesn’t bother me much. It bothers me, but it’s bearable enough.

But Cha Jaehyun, you’re different. From you, of all people, I really shouldn’t expect anything. Every time temptation invades, every time I suspect that you might actually like me even a little, it’s right to push it away with all my might. If you try to give me something that will shake my heart, it’s right for me to struggle not to receive it. Because if I don’t, I’ll die.

This is a survival instinct. It’s even worse than with my mom. I know. You are someone who can truly, truly kill me miserably. This time, in a way that I can never get up again. I must never expect anything from you. Because to me, you are…

I, you…

“…Kang Doyoon?”

Jaehyun half-rose from his seat.

“Hey, what’s wrong again… Are you okay?”

“Restroom.”

Doyoon also said, stammering as he got up, leaning on the table, his face pale as a sheet.

“I’m going to the, restroom. I, my stomach’s a little.”

“Doyoon…”

He heard a short call, but Doyoon ignored it. He kept walking, looking straight ahead. But soon, his shoulder was grabbed.

“Kang Doyoon.”

When he turned, a face was right up close.

“That way.”

Jaehyun pointed, scrutinizing Doyoon’s complexion. Doyoon was frozen, his mind almost completely blank, and only after taking in the next sentence did he slowly understand its meaning.

“The men’s restroom is that way. It’s on the first floor, so you have to go down the stairs.”

“…Yeah.”

“What’s wrong with your stomach?”

Jaehyun asked worriedly.

“Is it because you ate too much cake? Your face looks really bad right now. How’s your fever…”

“No, no. I don’t have a fever.”

A shrill sound shot out. His head also jerked to the side on its own, avoiding the hand that was trying to touch his forehead.

“It’s just… my stomach feels bad. I’ll be, right back. Let go.”

When he pleaded, his lips pale white, Jaehyun readily let go of his shoulder. Doyoon turned his feet and headed in the direction Jaehyun had pointed, and as he stepped on the first tread of the spiral staircase, he only vaguely noticed out of the corner of his eye that Jaehyun was still standing there, watching him.

The first floor was more bustling than the second. The restroom was right across from the stairs, and Doyoon hurried inside and found a stall. Only after locking the door behind him did he feel a little more at ease and let out a breath. He finally fished out the thoughts that had been circling in his head one by one and observed them. So that’s how it was. I, I, Cha Jaehyun.

Since when? I don’t know, but, surely, at any rate, right now, so much.

I like Cha Jaehyun.

Not as a human being, not as a friend, not like that, this is definitely…

<You’re a homo, aren’t you?>

Woo Jincheol’s voice crawled up one side of his head and stickily into his ear.