SSL 43

His heart rate soared. His neck and temples throbbed, making it difficult to breathe. Doyoon clamped both hands over his mouth, breathing only into his palms. That’s right, he breathed out, then so it was, he breathed in. I’m gay. A gay bastard who likes Cha Jaehyun.

I was wrong again. I got the answer wrong. On the bus that day, Doyoon had startled and said no. Absolutely not. Back then, he did it because he felt sorry for Cha Jaehyun. He had shouted it because he was so terrified that Cha Jaehyun would be seen as gay for being with him.

But it was a stupid worry. Jincheol had been asking Doyoon in the first place. He’d asked, ‘You’re gay, aren’t you?’ So he had seen right through him. He had known exactly how Kang Doyoon felt about Jaehyun when he asked. Cha Jaehyun hadn’t even been suspected in the first place.

As always, someone else knew the right answer first. Kang Doyoon, the idiot who was as bad at recognizing his own feelings as he was at recognizing other people’s faces, knew nothing. And he had shamelessly insisted it was absolutely not true.

<“Does seeing him get you hard?”>

<“Do you fuck Cha Jaehyun? Do you suck his dick?”>

That’s not it.

Of course, he never did anything like that. He wasn’t even sure exactly how, but anyway… Doyoon winced, then recalled some vague, fleshy-colored stains he couldn’t quite identify and startled at his own thoughts. I hate it. I won’t do it. I don’t even want to imagine it. But… Doyoon unclenched his fist and looked down at his palm. I have held his hand, though.

He had held hands with Cha Jaehyun. He’d done it on the stone bridge, and he had abruptly grabbed his hand on the street today too. The moment their bare hands touched, his heart rate had skyrocketed. His heart had pounded so hard he felt his whole body turning bright red, his skin had tingled as if electricity were running through it, and some secret place deep in his gut had pulsed along with it. Could that have been ‘getting hard’?

Could I have gotten hard just from holding Cha Jaehyun’s hand? The thought made him want to cry. It’s disgusting.

Newts, snails, frogs. Images of slimy creatures started to drift behind his eyeballs again. He felt like he was one of them. The feeling that when he’d held his hand earlier, he had smeared slime all over Cha Jaehyun.

It’s cold. Doyoon suddenly shivered and wrapped his arms around his shoulders.

The air conditioning seemed stronger inside the bathroom. Even though he was wearing a hoodie, a chill seeped into his bones. The cold assaulted him as if it would crack his skull, then crawled into his ears. He felt his eardrums swell, and his stomach started to churn. A sour taste quickly pooled under his tongue.

Saying he felt sick had been an excuse to escape to the bathroom, but he was actually starting to feel sick. Forgotten events from middle school began to flow back up like stomach acid from a deep, sticky swamp somewhere in his mind. The girl had cried.

When he had broken Park Kanghyuk’s thing, instead of demanding money, Kanghyuk had made Doyoon do a variety of embarrassing things. One of them was to confess to kids at school. Receiving Doyoon’s confession in the middle of the classroom, the girl had cried. The other kids had comforted her.

When he had confessed loudly to a male sunbae in the middle of the auditorium, he had almost been beaten. The sunbae had approached him, swearing with a terrifying intensity. If he had been punched, he might have broken something. The atmosphere was so hostile that the kids around them had actually held the sunbae back, and he hadn’t been hit. Disgusting, revolting, I’m going to puke, you bastard, it’s no use running away now, I’ll kill you if I see you on the street…

Park Kanghyuk had later relayed it to him as if doing him a favor. He said the sunbae had hated it so much, and seemed like he would actually find him later and secretly kill him, so he had told him afterward. That he didn’t really like the sunbae, but that it was a punishment for a dare among his classmates, that they had told him to do it as a joke and didn’t think he would actually do it. He’d told the sunbae, isn’t that kid the notorious weirdo of the whole school, so please let him off because he’s pitiful.

<“Don’t you ever like anyone, you bastard. You’ll get beaten to death.”>

Park Kanghyuk had said, cackling. The other kids next to Kanghyuk had laughed too.

Of course. It was a given. Doyoon had thought so back then too. That something like that would never happen.

They would be disgusted. That a kid like Kang Doyoon, of all people, liked them. It would give them the creeps that an already disgusting kid had even been looking at them that way. It would feel like having shit thrown in their face. For someone like Kang Doyoon to like someone else was to do something very bad to that person. Something so disgusting it made them burst into tears, something so bad that he would have no defense even if he were beaten to death with fists. What should I do?

I did something wrong again without realizing it. I was secretly doing something bad to Cha Jaehyun. I went and liked him. What do I do? Just then, a sound from outside the stall startled Doyoon.

“…”

The sound of a door. Someone had come in. Trickle. The sound of running water.

It sounded like they were using the urinal. Right, he suddenly came to his senses. This is a public place. I can’t occupy a stall for too long in a place like this. Doyoon stood with his eyes squeezed shut and quickly decided what he needed to do. First, let’s go home.

I can’t think right now. My head isn’t working. I’m so cold. My teeth have been chattering for a while now, so I can’t think straight. Let’s go upstairs and tell Cha Jaehyun something appropriate. That I’m not feeling well, so I need to go home now.

Let’s think about the rest at home. Doyoon quietly exited the stall, washed his hands, and went up the stairs. He walked with his fists clenched the whole time.

“Are you okay?”

As soon as he reached the second floor, Cha Jaehyun shot up and came over. He seemed to have been watching the stairs the whole time.

He approached with such large strides that Doyoon shrank back and stopped in his tracks, and he couldn’t stop Jaehyun’s hand from brushing his chin and touching his cheek. Only after it made contact did he protest with a creaky voice.

“Why, what…”

“Doesn’t seem like you have a fever. How’s your stomach? Did you throw up?”

“…Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

When he answered quietly, Jaehyun let out a sigh and added.

“I’m sorry. Earlier… I spoke a little harshly. Suddenly pushing you like that. It’s your birthday today, I’m sorry. I stressed you out.”

“No, it’s not that. But, I think I’ll just go home for today.”

“Okay.”

Jaehyun pointed out the window with his thumb and said.

“If you’re throwing up, you shouldn’t be out. Let’s go. I’ll get you a taxi. Want to stop by the pharmacy over there for a minute?”

“Uh… No. I don’t need medicine.”

“Alright. Then let’s go. I already packed up the cake and stuff.”

Doyoon looked down at the table.

The leftover cake was in a paper box. Through the plastic on top, he could see the red strawberry pieces and white fresh cream. The gold base too. The number candles were also placed neatly beside the base. His bag was open, and inside, he could see a thin, rectangular box. A box with a silver ribbon in the corner.

“I put your phone in your bag, but you don’t have to use it if you don’t want to.”

Jaehyun said, noticing Doyoon’s gaze.

“It’s a gift, so just take it. You can keep it off and not use it. That much… is that okay?”

“…Yeah.”

Doyoon nodded and closed his bag. Just before he did, he saw the textbooks inside his school bag. The photocopied and bound textbooks, stacked neatly upright behind the box. The ones Jaehyun had gotten for him from the test prep academy. Originally, his plan for today was to get tutored by Jaehyun with these textbooks. Just as he had been for the past few weeks.

The things Doyoon himself had received from Jaehyun today.

The things he had received until now.

He was sorry. He was terribly sorry, but he also felt a part of his heart melting warmly. Just as one instinctively clings to warmth when tired and cold. It’ll be okay, Doyoon soothed himself.

He didn’t know what he should do from now on. He did think that he couldn’t continue to be with Jaehyun as he had been while having these feelings. He even wanted to quit being friends and everything and just run away. But as for how exactly he should sort out their relationship, he was too confused and distressed right now for his mind to work.

But he thought he knew one thing. Whatever it was, Cha Jaehyun would at least understand.

Of course my feelings are trash. They’re stinking filth. For someone like me to like someone is an inconvenience. Objectively, that’s certainly true. But Cha Jaehyun is special. Because he understood the drawings of corpses in the unlined notebook, because he accepted them with an unconcerned smile. He would be able to understand these feelings, too.

Let’s go home and think. Let’s come to a conclusion, organize it well, and explain it well to Jaehyun. On the day I get tutored the day after tomorrow, or I could even call him tomorrow or the day after.

I just need to organize whatever I say and explain it well. Jaehyun is different. Even if I were to bring up the fact that I like him, he wouldn’t start swearing at me too harshly. He wouldn’t immediately throw a punch or spit. Of course, he might do that later, but for the moment, he would listen quietly and say something. I see, I understand, something like that.

I see, Kang Doyoon, so you like me. He responds in a low, straight voice.

I know what you mean. I know how you feel. I understand. After saying that, he meets my eyes and gives a gentle smile.

“…?”

Watching Jaehyun pack his bag and get up, Doyoon frowned.

Something is strange. A sense of unease crept up the back of his neck. The feeling of having easily expected something from another person. As if it were his rightful share, something he could naturally receive.

“Can you walk? Are you really okay?”

“I’m fine…”

Jaehyun asked several times as they passed through the first floor of the cafe and down the stone steps in front of the main entrance. Doyoon felt as if he were a person with both legs broken and felt a little guilty. It was true that he felt sick and had the chills, but he wasn’t in that much pain; he was properly fooling him.

Once they reached the street, Jaehyun led Doyoon toward the main road. They went in the opposite direction from which they had come. He said it was easier and closer to catch a taxi this way. Doyoon insisted several times that he could just take the subway the way he came, but Jaehyun frowned and cut him off.

“Listen to me when you’re sick.”

“But the tax…”

“I’ll scold you if you say anything about the taxi fare. I’ll pay. You’re sick. When you’re sick, other people should take care of you. If not, you’re making me a bad person.”

After speaking, Jaehyun raised his hand and tried to hail an empty taxi. Doyoon’s eyes grew hot.

He knew Jaehyun’s words were a lie. Just because you are sick doesn’t mean someone has to take care of you. At least for Doyoon, being sick wasn’t something to be cared for but something to be frowned upon. Because you can’t do housework well, you might spread the sickness to others, and if things go wrong, it might even cost you hospital bills.

Besides, he wasn’t actually that sick right now. But anyway, he said he’d get scolded if he objected. That Jaehyun would get mad. So let’s just stay quiet. Doyoon waited obediently, then got into the back seat of the taxi Jaehyun had caught for him. Then he stared blankly as Jaehyun opened the passenger side door and handed cash to the driver.

“Eokdong Apartments, Complex 1, Building 3, please. Yes. There will probably be change. You can give the rest to him. Kang Doyoon, goodbye. When you get home, text me… no, give me a call. You can use your home phone for that, can’t you? Can you do that?”

“…Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Jaehyun smiled, waved, and then closed the door.

Even after the taxi started moving, Jaehyun stood on the side of the road with one hand casually tucked into his pants pocket. Doyoon watched the side-view mirror, and only when the taxi turned at the intersection did he turn his body to look directly, and he was still standing there like that.

The cake box was on the back seat. Doyoon looked down at the red strawberries through the plastic once more and winced. His mind was hazy, but the feeling was sharp. It was as sharp as a thick fog, though, so its shape wasn’t discernible. What is this?

<“I don’t want to watch this anymore. You, always blaming others for the reason.”>

<“You’re using me as an excuse again…”>

Jaehyun’s voice flickered in his mind. His chest stung. As if some inexplicable guilt had been stirred up.

<“I was asking your intention. You can just say what you feel here, in your heart.”>

<“That you, Kang Doyoon, find it burdensome to contact me that often. Then I could accept that. Not this.”>

But that’s not it. Doyoon chewed on the words in his mouth again. It’s really not. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s not that I don’t want to go to the gallery with you or contact you. I like you. I like and admire you very much. That’s precisely why I don’t want to take up your time. I don’t want to take your money either, and I don’t want to make you keep coming into contact with someone like me, that’s why.

The most I can do is push you away as much as possible, that’s the greatest consideration I can offer.

That’s right. Doyoon mulled over the sentence in his mouth. But a sense of unease remained. It wasn’t that the sentence itself was wrong. But something was hidden, like the dark side of the moon. An excuse that only grew darker the more he shone a bright light on this side. An excuse?

Doyoon looked out the window. The taxi happened to be stopped.

It was stopped near a crosswalk at an intersection. There was a lot of traffic. So this is how much traffic there is in a busy area on a weekend. The cars were stopped for the crosswalk signal, crammed almost from one end of the road to the other. The taxi Doyoon was in was in the far-right lane, so the street scene was clearly visible through the window.