TGMND 106

“What does that mean? If you don’t even know how you feel, then who would? …Damn it, if you don’t know, how am I supposed to? Why did you do that to me? Why, why were you so nice to me? Why…? Ugh, this is so frustrating… Don’t talk to me from now on. Don’t even look at me. If you do, I’ll write your name in my su1cide note and bite my tongue to d1e.”

“No, why so extreme…”

“I’m not joking!”

“Okay, okay.”

“Don’t you, hic, understand what I’m saying? Am I that insignificant to you?”

“Ji-gu, listen to me.”

Yeo-woon wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to say.

“I know you secretly kissed me.”

“……”

This might make things even worse.

“I knew about it.”

“D-damn…”

Is this what despair looks like? Even though Ji-gu could only curse, it was as if the words “I’m doomed” were written all over his face. It wasn’t a situation to laugh at, but finding it amusing, Yeo-woon suppressed a smile. He cupped Ji-gu’s cheeks with both hands. The tear-soaked face rested in Yeo-woon’s palms.

“I like you enough… to not dislike that.”

Tears welled up again in eyes that had just seemed to have stopped crying. Yoon Ji-gu looked confused.

“What are you saying?”

“Exactly what I said.”

“So you’re saying you like me? But you said you didn’t know earlier. Are you playing with me?”

“That’s why I’m saying this. This is complicated. I don’t want to answer with such ambiguous feelings.”

“…I don’t understand. Please explain it more simply.”

“……”

“Why, why are you hesitating? No, what do you mean? Are you determined to torment me?”

At this point, Yeo-woon didn’t know anymore either.

Yeo-woon closed his eyes tightly and raised his head. Whether it was because he didn’t dislike the feeling he vaguely felt while drowsy, or because Ji-gu was special, but he wouldn’t know until he tried. Impulsively, he pressed his lips against Ji-gu’s. Ji-gu froze as he held his breath.

“……”

“……”

When Yeo-woon slowly opened his eyes, their gazes met—Ji-gu’s tear-filled eyes staring back at him. His gaze wavered wildly. Surprisingly, Yeo-woon didn’t feel any discomfort. He had thought it would feel the same as with anyone else, that there was nothing special about it, and that it would be better if they just stayed friends.

But now he was truly, utterly confused.

Had Ji-gu become special to him? When had this even begun…?

At this moment, all thoughts of being friends or treating him like a younger brother melted away. His lips had turned cold, as though every window in the house had been left wide open—it was the only way to explain the temperature.

When Yeo-woon gently bit his lower lip, Yoon Ji-gu flinched, his shoulders trembling. His cold lips quivered and parted slightly. Watching Ji-gu, who still looked wide-eyed in shock, Yeo-woon let out a small laugh before closing his eyes. It was like a chemical reaction, not just a simple act of lips meeting lips. His lips tasted of tears, and though cold on the outside, the inside of Ji-gu’s lips burning hot. In that instant, Yeo-woon realized that the fact that Ji-gu was a man posed no obstacle at all.

After the fleeting kiss ended, Yoon Ji-gu, who had been frozen like a statue the whole time, blushed bright red, and tears fell from his eyes. His lips trembled as if he were shivering from the cold. He raised his hand to touch his lips and muttered with a confused expression.

“Why…”

“Ji-gu.”

“…Yes.”

“Let’s pretend nothing you said today ever happened. You never confessed, and I never rejected you. Got it? You can’t move out.”

“Move out? Why would I…? Wait, what did I even say? Why do you keep talking in circles…? What’s going on, seriously…?”

“Give me some time to think.”

“How long do you need…?”

“Until I’m sure.”

“So when will that be? More importantly, why did you k-kiss me…”

Right. Yeo-woon frowned and thought for a moment, then blurted out his honest feelings without a single lie.

“I don’t know. I just felt like it.”

“…”

“I’m not sure either…”

“Then who would know if not you? How long do I have to wait? Will you take responsibility if I grow old waiting every day? How will you take responsibility?”

“Don’t wait. If you develop feelings for someone else, you can like that person.”

“…”

Ji-gu shook his head. A small, almost imperceptible shake. At the same time, he suddenly hugged Yeo-woon tightly, burying his face in Yeo-woon’s shoulder. His broad back trembled faintly. Damn it. Ji-gu muttered a curse under his breath. Whether it was directed at him or himself was unclear… but the tips of his ears that weren’t fully hidden were red.

“Then make me one promise too.”

“What?”

“…I’ll try to match your preferences somehow.”

“What?”

“So if there’s someone else besides me… end things with them.”

“There’s no one like that.”

“…Tell me I’m the only one.”

“You’re the only one.”

Yeo-woon closed his eyes with a sigh. Everything about him was crumbling like dominoes, all because of Ji-gu. He wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to do, or why Ji-gu was the exception. The memory of their first meeting, which had stood out so vividly, only made him more confused.

All he could do was raise his hand and gently stroke Ji-gu’s slightly messy hair. The soft curls wrapped around his fingers.

***

There had never been a day when Yoon Ji-gu empathized so much with the saying that waiting is hell. Lee Yeo-woon, who had left in someone else’s car, still hadn’t returned after several hours. It’s just for a moment. He’ll be back soon, Yoon Ji-gu reassured himself, shaking his head, trying to convince himself that there was no way Yeo-woon was meeting someone else today.

‘Hyung likes me.’

He had liked him for a long time.

‘Hyung liked me first.’

Even though he might not be the only one, Yeo-woon had shown interest in him. Besides, Yeo-woon had never had him yet, so Ji-gu held the upper hand. But why did he feel so anxious? His feet felt heavy. He tried to distract himself with other things, but his attention kept drifting back to the window as if Yeo-woon might return at any moment. Foolishly, he kept checking, looking down from the window.

It started snowing. White snow piled up softly on the roof of the building and on cars parked along the street. The snow didn’t stop for hours. That meant it had been that long since he started waiting, unable to do anything. Who was the owner of that car? If they were spending time together today, it couldn’t be just an ordinary friend. And as for the time… If they had decided to do something, there had been more than enough time to finish it. His chest ached. It was Yeo-woon who had turned him into this miserable wreck.

He was angry at him. He hated that Yeo-woon wasn’t in front of him. He hated the thought of other people in Yeo-woon’s life. I only have you… He couldn’t understand how Yeo-woon could go out to meet someone else when he should be trying to impress him.

…And yet he missed Yeo-woon. It was a strange thing. Even though Yeo-woon was doing such a terrible thing to him, Ji-gu didn’t completely hate him or resent him. He had always had the upper hand in his relationship with Yeo-woon, but with just his absence, Yoon Ji-gu instantly became the weaker one.

When Yeo-woon returns, I should get angry. I should confront him about where he went after leaving me. …But what right does he have? They weren’t even officially in a relationship yet.

“…!”

That’s when it hit him. Yoon Ji-gu suddenly stood up and poked his head out the window slightly. He could recognize him at once. A figure, even whiter than the snow, walked down the snowy path, leaving faint footprints. At that moment, it felt like only the two of them were left in the world.

Without even thinking to close the window, Yoon Ji-gu immediately turned and ran towards the front door. He hastily shoved his feet into slippers scattered in the shoe rack and opened the front door. The elevator started coming up. And finally, the doors opened, and the person he had been waiting for looked up.

“What are you doing here.”

“…”

Yoon Ji-gu was going to get angry, he was definitely angry and frustrated to the point of going crazy… But with just one sentence, all his will to be angry disappeared. Just seeing Yeo-woon standing in front of him and looking at him made him feel completely hollow. He had waited for him all day, yet Yeo-woon’s expression was so calm and clear.

“Ji-gu.”

And… he looked so beautiful.

“Don’t you have plans?”

Standing in front of Yeo-woon always made him feel incredibly small. Even though Yeo-woon liked him, he was never the weaker one. All the pride he had felt, thinking he was waiting for Yeo-woon to confess first, suddenly seemed meaningless.

“Where did you go.”

“I just met a friend for a bit.”

He was brazenly confident until the end, and…

“It’s cold outside, zip up your jacket all the way when you go out.”

… endlessly kind.

“Then what about me.”

“…”

“How… how can you do this.”

You shouldn’t treat me like this. You shouldn’t have spoken to me from the beginning. You shouldn’t have been nice to me. How could you…

“I’m asking just in case.”

“…”

“You know I like you, right?”

The plan he had set up crumbled in an instant. With this one sentence, Yeo-woon lost the chance to confess to him, and even Ji-gu’s intention to pretend not to know until accepting him turned to nothing. But Yeo-woon wasn’t surprised at all. As if he had known it would be like this from the beginning, he blinked calmly.

“So you knew.”

Now he was curious.

“I knew…”

Was there ever a moment when he was truly sincere with me? The thought that he was always the only one serious in their relationship made the bottled-up resentment explode.

“You knew, and yet how could you…!”

“I don’t understand what you’re… saying right now…”

Yeo-woon was now trying to pretend not to know. It was his intention to make him look like a fool and slip away like a loach.

“You like me too.”

I never did… But you forced your way in, even when I didn’t want you to.

“…You like me, right?”

Because you’re the one who made me like this. Take responsibility.

“Ji-gu, I… I don’t know.”

Lee Yeo-woon was selfish to the very end. The moment he heard those words, something inside Ji-gu collapsed. Instinctively, he knew—this was despair.

“I don’t know. I’m confused…”

“Confused? Don’t make me laugh. You’re the one who confused me.”

Feelings of deep betrayal, resentment, injustice, waiting, and resignation.

…If this was love, he would never want to experience it again.

“In the end… you only wanted my body, right? Are you playing with me now? Am I easy?”

He didn’t want to get angry, but Yeo-woon was the one who made him like this. So it wasn’t his fault.

At that moment, Yeo-woon raised his hand and gently touched Ji-gu’s cheek. Only then did Ji-gu realize that he had been crying. Yeo-woon’s warm hand, so much like him, softly wiped away the tears.

“Thank you… for liking me.”

To the very end…

“…Thank you.”

This was it. He was going to end it all. Today, Ji-gu decided to put an end to his feelings for Yeo-woon. He was done being dragged around by a man who had no intention of confessing to him. He was sick of being pushed and pulled. He needed to cut it all off. Even if Yeo-woon regretted it later and begged for him back, it wouldn’t matter.

“Ji-gu, I…”

…Because it’s over.

“I’m not sure if I like you or not.”

“…?”

It was the moment when everything he had been thinking until now turned to nothing. What did he mean? He doesn’t know if he likes me? So he never liked me from the start?

“What does that mean?”

Does that make any sense?

“If you don’t know your own feelings, who would!”

This is really nonsense!

“…Shit, if you don’t know, how am I supposed to know?”

He didn’t know how to hold back tears. Everything was a first for him… It was the first time he liked someone this much. The first time he kissed someone first…

“Why did you do this to me? Why, why were you so nice to me? Why…”

It was also the first time he cried uncontrollably in front of someone else. He had given Yeo-woon all of his firsts, all of his special moments, but he never expected to be betrayed before things even began.

“Don’t talk to me from now on. Don’t even look at me. If you do, I’ll write your name in my su1cide note and bite my tongue to d1e.”

“No, why so extreme…”

“I’m not joking!”

He really would clean it all up. He would never like anyone again, and that included Yeo-woon. He could no longer be special to him. Yeo-woon was the one who made him like this. Yeo-woon… ruined his life.

“I know you secretly kissed me.”

“…”

“I knew.”

“S-shit…”

My life is ruined.

Yeo-woon’s hands cupped his face. While Ji-gu had laid himself bare, completely torn apart, Yeo-woon in front of him was still as pristine and beautiful as ever. Ji-gu couldn’t stand how unfair that was.

To think Yeo-woon knew everything. He wanted to hit his head against the wall and erase his memory right away.

“I like you enough that I didn’t dislike it.”

“…”

Yeo-woon’s words tangled up his thoughts again. What does that mean? Hadn’t he been saying until now that he didn’t like him at all?

“What are you saying?”

“Exactly what I said.”

“So you’re saying you like me? But you just said you didn’t know. Are you playing with me now?”

“I’m saying this because that’s not it. This is complicated, you know. That’s why I don’t want to answer with such an ambiguous feeling.”

“…I don’t understand. Can you explain it a bit more simply?”

He felt like an idiot. Am I, am I the only one who couldn’t understand?

“Why, why are you hesitating? No, what are you trying to say? Are you determined to torture me?”

He urged Yeo-woon. Yeo-woon rolled his eyes as if troubled, then looked straight into his eyes. And then…

“…!”

Yeo-woon’s face came closer. His lips pressed against Ji-gu’s. Yoon Ji-gu’s heart which had been carelessly tossed to the floor surged back to life, pounding wildly. Yeo-woon, who had briefly closed his eyes, opened them as his lips touched Ji-gu’s. Ji-gu was completely confused—what on earth was happening? Was this a goodbye gift? They hadn’t even really started anything…

Yeo-woon bit his own lip softly and licked the spot gently. It was like giving pain and offering comfort at the same time. Every move he made was so overwhelming that Ji-gu felt like he couldn’t breathe. Yeo-woon closed his eyes again and teased him relentlessly. And yet, he wasn’t even going to reciprocate Ji-gu’s feelings. It made Ji-gu wish he could just disappear.

It was as if Yeo-woon wanted to show him that what he had done earlier wasn’t really a kiss. Truly, Yeo-woon had stolen his first real kiss. He had taken yet another one of Ji-gu’s firsts.

“Ji-gu.”

“…Yes.”

“Let’s pretend what you said today never happened.”

After all that, what is he saying now?

“You never confessed, and I didn’t reject you. Got it? Don’t move away.”

“Why would I move…? What did I say anyway…? And you keep talking in circles… What’s really going on?”

Yeo-woon’s words were so hard to understand. Ji-gu wished he would speak more plainly.

“Give me some time to think.”

“…”

With those words, he could breathe again. He thought it would never happen, but he saw a glimmer of hope, even if just a little.

“How long do you need…?”

“Until I’m sure.”

“So when will that be? More importantly, why did you k-kiss me…”

“I don’t know. I just felt like it.”

“…”

“I’m not sure either…”

This time, Yeo-woon’s words felt different from earlier. Before, it sounded like an excuse to avoid the issue. Now, it seemed like he was genuinely confused. Maybe Ji-gu was imagining it, but at least for now, it felt that way. Oddly enough, despite everything, Ji-gu wanted to kiss him again.

“Well, if you don’t know, then who does? How long am I supposed to wait? Are you going to take responsibility if I die waiting?”

“Don’t wait. If you start liking someone else, then go ahead and like them.”

That won’t happen. He had decided never to like someone first again. He didn’t want to repeat this kind of thing.

“Then make me one promise too.”

“What?”

At that moment, Yoon Ji-gu made the biggest decision of his life.

“…I’ll try to match your preferences somehow.”

“What?”

“So if there’s someone else besides me… end things with them.”

“There’s no one like that.”

“…Tell me I’m the only one.”

“You’re the only one.”

Only Yeo-woon would know if it was true or not. But just hearing him say that he was the only one made Ji-gu want to believe it was true.