TGMND 87
by Springlila#Hidden Track. Crush Diary
Kim Chae-min.
If found, please contact 010-XXXX-XXXX.
(It’s a half-filled diary. Names B and J occupy a significant portion of the early entries. Some front pages are torn or have tattered corners.) …
March 15, XX Year.
Ah… Yesterday, I met my ideal type at the freshman welcome party I was dragged to. Not only their looks but their personality was so friendly that I kept looking at them. Moreover, as we moved around, I somehow ended up sitting next to them. I don’t even know how I acted. I wanted to ask their name but couldn’t speak up. All I remember is that every time they reached for the food in front of me, our shoulders touched. Shit… What if I looked like a total idiot?
It seems I’ve started another unrequited love. Sometimes I think I should just date someone… But you need to feel something to date, right? Anyway, I have someone to like for a while. I feel compelled to scribble this diary, whether I’ll regret reading it later or burn it… I’ll try to write consistently.
March 18, XX Year.
Crazy! They remembered me. Suddenly in the lecture hall, they greeted me calling me ‘senior’, I thought I was going to die from suffocation. They stand out from everyone else. Did they jump out of a romance comic? Though I don’t read those lol.
Today, I properly introduced myself to them. Even their name is pretty somehow. From now on, I’ll refer to them as Y.
Y is taking the same elective class as me and lives two doors down in the dormitory. Why didn’t I notice such a person before? From now on, I should look at people, not just the ground.
March 20, XX Year.
We exchanged numbers. I’ve been staring at their profile picture all day. I’m sad that their profile history only goes back a year. Y in school uniform is really, really cute. Is this what one-sided love is? Damn, I should have dated before. Just seeing Y’s three-letter name makes me so happy… I feel alive for the first time in a while.
April 15, XX Year.
We studied together in the library all day.
When I said I was cold because I wore clothes that were too thin, Y lent me their clothes. But I was shocked because it smelled so good. It’s obviously fabric softener, but I think I spent all day sniffing it like a pervert.
I wonder what shampoo they use… Would they think I’m a pervert? I should ask on the internet.
April 20, XX Year. Cherry blossoms have all fallen.
Y bought me bread to thank me for lending them old exam papers.
I’m really touched… I’ll cherish it forever.
May 30, XX Year.
I had forgotten about it, but I kept smelling something strange.
The bread had gone moldy.
Damn.
June 2, XX Year.
Y keeps lending me their things.
And they come to my dorm room in the evening to get back what they lent, it seems like they’re doing this on purpose.
Is this a green light?
June 18, XX Year.
Y keeps smiling at me whenever our eyes meet during lectures. Usually, guys don’t like making eye contact, but Y is different. Is this just for me…?
July 6, XX Year.
Ah, the break is so fvcking long.
When does the semester start?
September 5, XX Year.
Whatever Y did during the break, their face is glowing.
And he said to me…! They sulkily asked why I didn’t text during the break.
I almost said I was constantly checking their changing profile picture even though we didn’t text, but I barely held back.
Could Y be into me too?
October 1, XX Year.
Hmm, I think Y likes me too. ;; They keep asking to study together for exams and if I have old exam papers, it’s really adorable. It seems like they don’t really want to study but just want to be with me. There are plenty of other seniors, but they specifically choose me, so it must be certain. I think this one-sided love won’t fail. Today, we had another all-day library date!
October 5, XX Year.
Y bought me coffee to thank me for the old exam papers.
I drank it right away so it wouldn’t go bad. Now, I can’t sleep…
November 3, XX Year.
I saw ‘confessing to a friend’ in Y’s phone search history. Seems like they’re going to confess to me soon.
I’ve never dated anyone because I prefer one-sided love… Should I accept this? lol
It’s a dilemma.
November 18, XX Year.
Not yet? They call me out often, but we just drink every time.
Are they hesitating?
November 24, XX Year.
Fuck.
I heard that Y started dating a middle school classmate. I wanted to bite my tongue and die when Y showed me that they had a girlfriend. I thought Y liked me. Just seeing Y makes me want to k1ll myself, so I blocked them on chat. I unblocked a few times out of curiosity, but now I really won’t unblock them.
(More than half of the paper is torn.)
November 28, XX Year.
My life is falling apart with no answers. It seems like not looking at my phone might solve the problem.
Since it’s come to this, I should just go to the military soon. I want to cry.
(The writing is messy.)
December 7, XX Year.
Damn, did I lose my mind? It seems I applied for enlistment while drunk and angry, but I don’t remember at all. I never dreamed I’d be enlisted so quickly. They say there’s no room in the military these days; you crazy people, I don’t want to go ă… ă…
December 20, XX Year.
I shaved my head.
It feels rough and it sucks.
April 1, XX Year.
These days, some dumb fvcks who’ve been here a bit longer keep pushing me around. Military life is worse than Y getting a girlfriend. I want to eat chicken. I want to lie in bed and do nothing. I miss Y.
August 4, XX Year.
During a break, I was drinking with my colleagues, and Y came up in conversation. They said a guy without a girlfriend isn’t even considering going on blind dates.
Did he break up with his girlfriend? Who dumped whom?
December 25, XX Year.
This one-sided love is lasting particularly long. Time passes, but I can’t forget them at all.
I wonder how Y is doing. Are they doing well?
August 1, XX Year.
What the hell.
I was about to return to school right away, but I heard Y also went to the military.
The timing is killing me, fuck… I miss them
Exempt Y from military service
(Several pages are torn out.)
February 1, XX Year.
It’s been a really long time since I wrote in this diary.
That means I haven’t been thinking about Y for that long.
When I heard Y’s classmates talking about graduation, I suddenly remembered.
Will Y come on graduation day?
February 10, XX Year.
Should I go or not. I’m fine now, but I wonder if I’ll just get unsettled for no reason…
Will they even remember me?
Ah fvck, I don’t know….
(After this, the writing is smudged and unreadable.)
February 23, XX Year. Weather: Clear
(Faintly blurred photo)
Y’s smile was still the same. Even in the same cap and gown as everyone else, they stood out.
The person I liked hadn’t changed at all. Only I had changed.
Sorting out feelings held alone is entirely up to me.
My heart no longer races when I see them. I thought I’d cry all day when I finally got over this one-sided love, but that wasn’t the case. Instead, I kept laughing out of relief.
My one-sided love has ended.
I was able to put a full stop to it today.
October 1, XX Year.
Fvck… I must really have a thing for unrequited love. I can’t believe I’m opening this diary again.
Another person has caught my eye. They say old habits die hard, and again they’re a year younger…
And why are they so caring and all that shit…
Sigh, this bastard will probably end up getting a girlfriend on their own even if they drink with me, right?
Everyone in the world is dating except me. I really want to d1e…
October 3, XX Year. ???
I got drunk and slept with …A.
I pretended not to remember and ran away, but they kept calling. Are they crazy?
October 4, XX Year.
Ah, I want to take a leave of absence, but they won’t refund the tuition…
Fvcking scam school
October 7, XX Year.
?????
Today I agreed to date A…
What is this?
A says they’ve been watching me for a long time, but I just met them this year.
It was a bit creepy, but actually, I think I kind of like it. I should ask them about it later.
My first relationship at this age… I want to die.
End of one-sided love…?
…
(The paper is crumpled. It seems someone intentionally crumpled it.)
Fvck… What is this?
Who the hell are B, J, and Y?