TIN 144

Tears that had welled up in my eyes trickled down my temples. With trembling hands, I clutched his collar. His shirt, unbuttoned at the front, was soaked with rain and clung to his body.

“Do-hwa.”

“…”

“Do-hwa, Do-hwa…”

The sound was far too gentle. The name, reminiscent of blooming flower petals, matched perfectly with the pheromones that smelled sweet like overripe fruit.

Calling “Do-hwa, Do-hwa” like a madman, I finally managed to lift my eyelids to face him.

“Do you think calling me like this will make me become that hyung?”

I couldn’t hold back the burst of laughter that escaped from my mouth. The current situation was so ridiculous that I found myself laughing, my chest heaving even as I spoke. Then I abruptly stopped laughing and said, “Get a grip.”

“…”

“You won’t find him.”

I didn’t think that he recognized me. The reason he found me wasn’t because I was his hyung, but simply because I was a lost possession. Even if he felt something toward me, it wouldn’t be certainty.

“He’s dead.”

“…”

“You saw the corpse with your very own eyes.”

I said this hoping he might strangle me to death in his rage. Knowing what his trigger point was, I had the confidence to not just touch that scale but to rip it out completely.

“This play is all fake, Do-hwa.”

The hyung who was with the child was no longer here. The child I remembered had long since vanished into the past. Like that person who could never return, it meant our time would never come back.

“How long are you going to pretend not to know?”

Even as I pressed him, Joo Do-hwa showed no reaction to my words. His calmly settled gaze was different from the anger that had rippled through him just moments ago. Though I knew it was as precarious as a time bomb, I mockingly imitated Lee Yuna’s tone,

“Dead people don’t come back.”

“…”

“How can someone else fill that empty space?”

I could understand why Lee Yuna had spoken like this. What I had understood intellectually then now resonated deep in my heart.

You should at least find a substitute. Now I have no one by my side. If it were pain so easily overcome, wouldn’t my deep grief seem utterly foolish?

“So…”

With the hand that had been clutching his collar, I brought his hand to wrap around my neck. I could feel his pulsing heartbeat through the wrist I held. The pounding heartbeat showed just how angry he was.

“Now kill me.”

“…”

As if possessed by something, strength gradually entered his hand. As my airway was blocked, I tilted my head back and tightly gripped his wrist. The more my throat constricted, conversely, an inexplicable sense of liberation enveloped my entire body.

“…”

Finally, everything was coming to an end. I thought it wouldn’t be so bad to die by the child’s hands. If he would throw me into the sea after death, that would be even more what I wanted.

“Hng…”

A moan escaped through parted lips. It wasn’t painful, but physiological tears still flowed out of my eyes. With each blink that darkened my vision, I could see Joo Do-hwa’s expression gradually changing.

However, my consciousness, which had been growing dim, returned to reality before it could fully fade. This was because Joo Do-hwa, who had been strangling me intently, suddenly released his grip. Reflexively gasping for air, I opened my mouth with a broken voice, “…Why?”

Why won’t you kill me?

“…”

His gaze looking down at me was chillingly calm. The face that had been contorted until just now showed no emotion at all.

Still holding my neck with both hands, Joo Do-hwa slowly began to speak.

“After finally catching you when you ran away…”

His voice was as soft as a breath. So quiet I might not have heard it if the rain hadn’t stopped.

“Now you try to escape like this.”

“…”

I couldn’t refute his sharp observation. More precisely, I didn’t have the chance. He removed his hands from my neck and raised his upper body to grab my legs.

When he lifted my limp thighs upward, I finally realized I was still holding his member inside me.

“Hah…”

“Hyung.”

Joo Do-hwa, calling me tenderly, leaned his upper body slightly. As the angle of penetration changed, the fluid filling me inside made obscene wet sounds.

“No…should I call you the ‘Sea’?”

I couldn’t even laugh at such a title. With those words, Joo Do-hwa let out a low laugh. Every time he laughed, the vibrations from below transmitted directly.

“Do you know what wing clipping is?”

“…What?”

It was an unfamiliar term. As if he expected this, he gently continued his explanation.

“When keeping birds as pets, you cut the tips of their feathers. So they don’t fly too high inside the house…or get hurt flying too far.”

His hand slid up and grabbed the back of my right knee. When he pressed firmly behind the knee, I involuntarily flinched. However, instead of letting me go, Joo Do-hwa slowly, slowly moved his hand.

“I was careless.”

“…”

“Where else could I find such a pretty doll?”

My eyes opened as wide as saucers. Through my shaky vision, I could see him gripping my swollen ankle. Before I could move my lips in sudden fear, something unbelievable happened.

“…!”

I couldn’t even scream. As veins bulged on the back of his hand, a horrific cracking sound rang out from my ankle. With a pain so terrible I couldn’t even breathe wracking my body, I lost consciousness then and there.

***

I seemed to have endless nightmares and tossed and turned constantly. Whenever someone touched me, I struggled like a madman trying to escape their grasp. However, the one who firmly restrained my seizure-like resistance was too massive for me to break free from.

At first, I could hear the sound of waves, but at some point even that became unclear. The whirring vibration felt like being in a war zone, making my body shiver as if abandoned in the cold.

Though my consciousness kept fading, I remembered mumbling delirious words in between: Save me, no…I want to die, kill me, I don’t want to live, I miss you, why are you gone, live…Why am I?

Around the time the smell of antiseptic touched my nose, my anxious feelings began to settle. My flailing hands managed to grab someone’s hand, and barely catching my breath, I gradually regained stability. Thankfully, that burning hot temperature held my hand without any particular resistance.

“…Pregnant?”

Whose voice was that? I couldn’t quite remember that far. I only knew that with those words, the interlocked hands tightened their grip.

“There’s a history of miscarriage, and it’s dominant…”

The responding voice came through intermittently. It seemed to suggest that things were still okay, or perhaps dangerous. The voice that started clear and precise gradually became less confident and more subdued.

“…Even with an ultrasound, the timing…”

Bang! The loud noise made me anxious again. Wondering what was happening, I fluttered my eyelids, but before I could identify anyone, a large hand covered my eyes. Then I heard a cold voice say, “…Put him back to sleep.”

A heavy dull pain spread from my stinging arm. The repetitive beeping of machines sounded almost like a lullaby. Before that sound could repeat even ten times, my consciousness sank back below the surface of sleep.

***

Instinctively, I could tell I had slept for quite a while. The pain that had been tormenting me was gone, and instead, my clear head felt refreshed. Given my foggy mind and heavy body, the effects of the medication might still be lingering.

I slowly, very slowly, lifted my eyelids. Through my hazy vision, I could see the turned-off light and ceiling. That pattern seemed familiar…As I was thinking this, I felt someone’s gaze from somewhere.

“…”

When I turned my head to look, of course, Joo Do-hwa was there. One step away from the bed. At that ambiguous distance where hands could reach. Standing still like a painting, gazing down at me quietly.

“…”

“…”

Our gazes met. Ah, I didn’t die after all. This unconsciously realized fact was followed by terrible emptiness. Of course, that didn’t mean there was no way out.

“…Ah.”

An indecipherable light crossed his golden eyes. The moment he moved his lips, I moved my jaw while maintaining eye contact with him. And without hesitation, I bit down hard on my tongue.

It happened in the blink of an eye. With a crushing sound like bones being ground, the metallic smell of blood spread in my mouth. My teeth rang from hitting something solid, and throbbing pain spread through my jaw that I had clenched with all my might.

“…”

I thought it would hurt. No, maybe this much wouldn’t bother me anymore.

But unfortunately, the sensation in my mouth was certainly not pain. If anything, it was just an unfamiliar foreign sensation.

A quiet silence descended in the room. Fingers that had roughly invaded my mouth pressed down firmly on my tongue. My tongue, now soaked in blood, was neither cut in half nor even scratched, it was completely fine.

“…I told you not to do anything foolish.”

The one who spoke in an emotionless voice was Joo Do-hwa, who had reached out to me in that split-second moment. Instead of my tongue which should have been bitten, Joo Do-hwa’s inserted fingers were crushed between my teeth. As if it didn’t even hurt, he warned me in a calm tone, “It’s not difficult to gag and tie you up.”