TIN 148

I was so dumbfounded I couldn’t even muster any anger. Take it whenever I’m comfortable? Did that even make sense? No offer could have sounded more deceptive than this.

While I stood there motionless, Joo Do-hwa walked around the bed and approached me. Even as I watched him get closer and closer, I just stood there, rooted to the spot, unable to move a muscle.

Finally, Joo Do-hwa, now right in front of me, unhesitatingly grabbed one of my arms.

“Come here.”

My right hand, which had been left with bite marks, was now wrapped in a bandage. I reflexively glanced down at that hand, then let him lead me. No, I tried to let him lead me.

“Ugh…”

My posture collapsed in an instant. As I staggered, my ankle aching, Joo Do-hwa held me steady with just one hand. It seemed he was trying to support me, but unfortunately, he was terribly clumsy at it.

“Let go.”

The moment I slapped his hand away, Joo Do-hwa’s expression changed. He let out a short, “Ah,” and his brow furrowed almost imperceptibly. Before I could even realize that his expression held a hint of annoyance, he clicked his tongue and lowered his stance.

“…!”

With one hand supporting my back and the other behind my knees, Joo Do-hwa lifted me up in a flash. I was so surprised I tried to resist, but he simply adjusted his hold on me with a light movement.

“You should have just said you wanted me to carry you.”

“…What do you think you’re doing?”

The sudden change in eye level was quite disconcerting. It wasn’t scary, but I did feel a strange sense of powerlessness. Being held helplessly in his arms now felt like being defenselessly exposed to danger.

“What do you mean, what am I doing? I’m kindly carrying you.”

He retorted lightly and carried me to the bed. I tried to struggle, telling him to let me go, but then decided it would only be my loss and kept my mouth shut. Even if I somehow succeeded in breaking free, I’d just fall to the floor and end up injuring my back as well.

“Eat well. You’re too light.”

A comment like that wasn’t even worth a reply. Not that he was expecting one; he circled the bed again and set me down on the mattress. For someone who had lifted me so roughly, his touch as he set me down was surprisingly gentle.

“Eat first. Don’t take medicine on an empty stomach.”

Joo Do-hwa brought the tray and placed it on the side of the bed. It held a thin gruel in which grains of rice were barely visible, a small dish of soy sauce, and water. If I hadn’t known what that medicine was, I would have thought he was nursing me.

“I cooled it down so it’s not too hot…”

Instead of picking up the spoon, I took the pill bottle he had placed on the nightstand. On the tiny plastic bottle, the name of the medicine was written, along with precautions in minuscule print. I then opened the lid, revealing a single white pill inside.

“……”

Joo Do-hwa’s eyes narrowed. He had stopped talking the moment I brought out the pill bottle and only watched my actions. Even while feeling his persistent gaze, I took out a pill and put it in my mouth without hesitation.

I didn’t chew and swallow it like I had done once before. I simply took the water glass on the tray and swallowed it down with water. The pill, which instantly went down my throat, disappeared cleanly, leaving only a sour taste on the tip of my tongue.

“Satisfied?”

“……”

“Now clean it up.”

I pushed the rice porridge away and lay down on the bed. I had no appetite at all, and I was just going to sleep like the dead. Even if I couldn’t die right away, I no longer had the will to fill my stomach.

“……”

Joo Do-hwa stared at me silently. I couldn’t tell if the small sigh that escaped was a sneer or admiration. However, what was certain was that his twisted lips looked very meaningful.

“Eat it later, at least.”

Joo Do-hwa moved the tray, which he had put down on the bed, to the bedside table. He left only those words and left the room, leaving me alone. As soon as the door clicked shut, a terrible silence fell back into the room.

＊ ＊ ＊

The choice, which some might call impulsive, didn’t really require any special resolve. Perhaps it was because I had already experienced death once, so I was no longer afraid of anything else. I didn’t regret my actions, which I had taken in a fit of pique, and the result wouldn’t have changed even if I had thought about it for a long time.

Nevertheless, I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time due to an inexplicable discomfort. I lay alone in the room, curled up and staring blankly. I didn’t even think about eating the rice porridge that Joo Do-hwa had left behind, and just quietly held my breath, feeling the passage of time.

‘Hyung is pregnant with my child.’

Joo Do-hwa’s voice lingered in my ears. The words he had whispered so kindly filled my mind, which had been emptied white.

‘Sorry, I almost did something stupid.’

“……”

‘It’ll be pretty if it looks like hyung.’

If you asked me how I felt about what he said, I would just want to answer that I was dumbfounded. I was dumbfounded that he was saying such hypocritical things with a face that showed no guilt whatsoever. It was me who was carrying the child, but it was ridiculous that he was talking as if it were his.

‘Say it’s my child. Okay?’

I knew this was an absurd stubbornness. I knew that if I just said one word, Joo Do-hwa might be willing to take care of me. He was a generous man in strange ways, so he might imitate absurd kindness and act like a pushover.

But so what? I knew how shallow and clumsy that paltry kindness was. How could I trust an attitude that would change as easily as flipping his hand if I crossed his mood just once?

‘We can always get rid of the baby anyway.’

It was clear that what he wanted was not the child, but my recognition itself. Joo Do-hwa, that damned Alpha, would readily get rid of it even if it was his child. He might even say something like he didn’t even know whose child it was, and that he would keep getting rid of it until he had it, spewing out more bullshit.

Yeah, it would be better to get rid of it then. Since I was going to die anyway, I couldn’t make a foolish choice. I couldn’t carry such a huge burden in a world where it was hard enough to take care of myself.

‘I have to get rid of the thing I’m dragging around like a wart.’

“……”

I closed my eyes tightly and wrapped my hands around my stomach. Now, Yoon Ji-soo’s letter from the island was coming to mind. The farewell message she left me, the sincerity contained within.

「I have no intention of finding you, nor do I have any intention of seeing you again. No, I don’t want to see you again.」

When I learned that she had sent me away and run away, I vaguely realized something. I was a burden to her, and we were destined to break up in the end. I don’t know why she gave birth to me, but in the end, my existence was what was holding her back.

I wanted to deny it, but I couldn’t, and only after reading the letter did I finally accept it. The separation she spoke of was quite different from what I thought.

「You may call our separation a farewell, but I want to call it freedom.」

I wanted to ask. Did you truly become free after letting me go? As you faced a death I couldn’t possibly fathom, as you left me a letter, how did you feel? Was that the end for you, or was it the beginning?

「Don’t look for me.」

Was I that tiresome? You said you were happy to meet me, that it was okay to think we loved each other. And yet, enough to leave me behind.

I wondered what she felt in the last moment we were separated. The sense of liberation I felt when I jumped into the the sea, or the discomfort I was feeling now. Or maybe even a little guilt.

「Live happily in a place where I am not.」

“…Ha.”

I understood it in my head, but one corner of my heart was strangely tormented. I had lived my whole life with her memories, but it stung to think that I might have been nothing more than a burden to her. It made my stomach ache to think that Yoon Ji-soo might have felt the same way about ‘this’ as I did about an obstacle.

“Ugh…”

My heart was pounding anxiously. As the beat quickened, my stomach began to churn. My cold fingertips trembled, and my stomach seemed to ache.

Then, at some point, I couldn’t stand it any longer and jumped up. Something was rushing up, and I couldn’t lie still.

“Ugh…”

I covered my mouth and crawled off the bed. I wanted to go to the bathroom, but my injured ankle wouldn’t even allow that. All I could do was lean my head out of the bed and curl up.

“Ugh…!”

With a surge, the things that had been regurgitated from my stomach splattered on the floor. Since I hadn’t eaten anything since the seaweed porridge, all that came out was thin gastric fluid. Keugh, ugh, as I vomited several times, my stomach continued to heave as if my insides were tangled.

“Keugh…”

It didn’t take long to throw up everything. I could feel physiological tears streaming down my cheeks. While I was struggling to control my breath because my throat and nose were sore, the mess of vomit came into view.

“……”

The pill was not visible. I gripped my T-shirt with one hand and rolled my eyes from side to side. A sudden, unsettling feeling washed over me, as if I had been driven to the edge of a cliff.

…How much was digested?