TTRIA 16

“Because he said there was nothing more to teach.”

Cecil said in a toneless voice. He spoke so matter-of-factly that Jeff blinked blankly for a moment.

“Are you a genius?”

Cecil flinched.

“…Why did you suddenly jump to that?”

“You said the teacher gave up when you were only seventeen because there was nothing left to teach. If that is not a genius, then what is it.”

The whites of his eyes, where the capillaries had burst, were still red, but for some reason, the eyes that seemed only clear blinked slowly. Jeff, who had narrowed his eyes, said with a smile.

“Are you bragging that you are a genius?”

“…It is not like that.”

“You pointed out the age specifically and now you say you are not bragging?”

“I said I am not! It just came out somehow, I was not trying to brag….”

“Why are you denying it so much. What is wrong with bragging a little. It is not something to be ashamed of to boast about a talent that has been polished and shines.”

“……”

Cecil, who was staring back at him blankly, parted his lips. The corners of his eyes turned even redder.

“Have you ever held a recital?”

“No.”

“Have you ever been to a recital?”

“No.”

“Have you ever been outside the mansion?”

“Ah….”

Cecil faltered and averted his gaze. That in itself was a definite answer. No wonder the genres on the bookshelf were so varied and random. The case of ‘learning about the world through books’ that he had only heard of, was right here before his eyes. He could not bring himself to laugh, knowing the circumstances that had made it so.

Just then, Cecil, who had been parting his lips, murmured.

“Just what are you so curious about…?”

“Then you are not?”

Cecil made a puzzled face at Jeff’s counter-question.

“Are you not curious about me.”

“…Curious?”

“Yes, curious. If you have anything, tell me. I will answer you.”

Cecil did not open his mouth easily. Confusion crossed his clear face. It seemed he had never once expressed curiosity about another person. What questions he should ask, or if he was even allowed to. He had the body of a full-grown adult, but in reality, his essence was no different from a child who had not grown up.

Jeff, who had been waiting silently, gently opened his mouth.

“Shall I help you?”

“……”

“In times like these, ask for their name.”

“Name…. But I know your name….”

“You do. But you have never asked me directly.”

Cecil met Jeff’s eyes with a wavering gaze. Jeff quietly added.

“I have never told you my name directly either, Cecil.”

“……”

Jeff, who was watching Cecil’s agitation, moved a hand’s breadth closer while sitting. Closing the slight distance, he offered a greeting with a playful smile.

“Hello, musician who embroidered the night. The performance I happened to hear was very impressive. It is fate that we have met like this, so may I ask for your name?”

“…What, is that.”

A faint laugh escaped between his lips, which were reddened from being bitten. Jeff smiled mischievously and met his gaze. Cecil, after a moment’s hesitation, opened his mouth.

“…Cecil Gray.”

“……”

“I am, …called Cecil Gray.”

For the reason of being born with the same face, he became a mirror that deceived others, and a shadow.

The man with sad eyes, who had been trapped within a portrait in the end.

“Can you tell me your name as well?”

He smiled.

Softly and purely, without a single speck.

“…Of course.”

Therefore, Jeff too, decided to smile without any thought, just for this moment.

“I am called Jeff Lowell.”

“…September 10th.”

He received a reply to the letter he had sent to the orphanage. Among the long sentences, including greetings, the first thing that caught his eye was the number. That year, the date the accident happened was indeed September 10th. It had been a full moon. It was because it was a full moon that the true nature of the shadow was revealed.

It was what he had expected, but for some reason, he felt strange. He felt relieved to have gained certainty, and at the same time, a complicated feeling that he could not quite put into words washed over him.

“Did you know, Jeff? Alan, I mean, your uncle. You have no idea how pretty he was when he was little. To be honest, mom really hated the idea of having a younger sibling. When he is born, I am going to torment him like crazy! If he defies me, I will torment him so he can not even make a peep! I was that determined, but the little brother I actually met was really…. so small, and pretty, and lovely.”

His mother always had a pleasant smile when she talked about his uncle. That face, which could not hide the overflowing affection, made the young Jeff jealous.

“Mom, do you like uncle more than me? Do you like uncle, who does not even contact you much, more than me, who was praised by the teacher for being smart?”

Whenever he did that, his mother would laugh heartily and caress her young son’s cheek.

“What should I do about this? I am sorry, Jeff. Mom’s favorite person is mom. I love myself.”

“…Then what about me?”

“You are next. When I count the people I love in my life, if my number one is myself, then Jeff, you would be the next, number two. Your uncle Alan is…. hmm, about number eight?”

Back then. His mother had said Alan was number eight, but in reality, he probably occupied a much higher position. Alan was his mother’s pride. Her younger brother who boasted excellent grades despite their not-so-well-off circumstances. Her kind younger brother who always cherished and loved his older sister.

Was the shell of that proud and kind younger brother Alan’s ‘real’ self, or a fabricated ‘fake’?

Was the image he had encountered then the ‘truth’, or something that had been ‘changed’?

Where and how on earth did they begin to exist? Why do they exist? Were they just born that way? Even though they are born in human form, are they given an instinctive realization that they are a different existence?

Jeff was so curious about that.

When night came, Jeff headed to the annex. The man who used to show his back, perched on the windowsill, started to show his face at some point. Those sparkling blue eyes were always directed towards the forest. But whenever Jeff revealed himself from the forest, he would hastily turn his back.

Cecil did not know. That everything was already visible from the forest. That appearance of his, as if he was waiting for someone endlessly.

“I practically lived in the library, but very occasionally, I would go out into the streets. At times like that, I would encounter people in unexpected attire. I would seriously think, why on earth do they dress like that, but then suddenly, someone passing by would let out a gasp of admiration. They would say their style was cool. To my eyes, they just looked like crazy delinquents, but they called it fashion. A revolution in fashion, or something.”

It was always Jeff who led the conversation.

The topics were quite diverse but had no substance. It was because he could only talk about things he had experienced himself. Nevertheless, Cecil would listen quietly with his blue eyes shining.

“The movie theater is always crowded. I have not been there often, but there is a movie I remember….”

Like that, one by one. As the stories piled up, the distant gap gradually narrowed. Now, it was only about three steps. He could face Cecil with only that much distance left. Cecil, seen up close, surprisingly had a variety of expressions. Especially because he could not hide his momentary emotions, he unintentionally made Jeff laugh. Whenever that happened, Jeff felt a sense of guilt for using Cecil. The impure motive of trying to get close to him sharpened its blade deep within him.

It was because Cecil was Cecil. He was not Wayne. Although he was an existence with ‘that’ scent like Hugo and the children, he did not try to harm others with malicious intent. The reason he lost his reason and charged at me was because I had provoked his sensitive point, but Cecil was genuinely tormented. By the fact that he had hurt someone.

He had a pained look in his eyes whenever he saw the bruised neck. Even when he was completely focused on the world Jeff was telling him about, the final destination his gaze returned to was always that bruise. It was a relief that it faded quickly.

“My dormitory roommate was a guy crazy about nightlife. He broke curfew every day and would crawl in only in the morning. There was a jazz club he used to frequent back then, and I suddenly remember him saying there was an incredibly skilled violinist there. If I had heard it even once, I could have described it to you.”

When the topic of violins came up, Cecil, who had been blinking blankly, smiled faintly.

“A jazz club violinist…. I wonder what that would be like.”

“Right? I will dig through the town’s record shop this holiday and get it. Let us listen to it together. It can not beat the live experience, but this would be nice in its own way, wouldn’t it?”

“No, it is okay. You do not need to go to that trouble.”

“Why? You are curious, aren’t you.”

Cecil shook his head.

“I like classical music.”

Jeff looked at him with a puzzled expression, then chuckled and said.

“Really? Then since we are on the topic, let us listen to some classical music.”

Then, in no time, he had put on a record. Soon, a soft and elegant melody flowed out. The sound of the music filling the room seemed to make even the air lighter. Jeff moved one foot lightly as if surrendering his body to the music, then playfully held out his hand.

“Would you like to dance?”

“What?”

Cecil asked back with a flustered face.

“Isn’t it waltz for classical music? Of course, I have never learned it.”

Jeff added, playfully raising one eyebrow.

“I have seen it in movies, though.”

As he said that, he waved his hand lightly. Fluttering it as if to lure prey. Cecil, who was staring blankly at his fingertips, extended his hand without realizing it. Jeff pulled his hand without a moment’s hesitation. Cecil, who was pulled up without a chance to resist, stumbled and fell into his arms. He pushed himself away, startled.

“You can not dance like that, Cecil.”

Jeff carefully reached out his hand. He approached slowly and delicately so as not to startle Cecil, and once again took hold of his two fingertips. Cecil, who looked down at it, did not push him away this time.

“In the movies, I think they wrapped their arms around the partner’s waist and shoulder, but we do not need such formalities right now.”

Let us do it like this. With a whisper, Jeff led their clasped hands out and moved his body. The classical melody enveloped the space, quietly guiding their movements. Their toes gently brushed the floor. As if drawing a light curve following the melody. One step, and then another.

At first, Cecil, who had been awkwardly stiff, soon began to match the movements naturally. The moonlight filtering through the stained glass stretched their shadows long. On the floor, their intertwining silhouettes crossed. It was a clumsy and unfamiliar step, but with each moment they bumped, their movements gradually blended more smoothly.

“Come to think of it, I heard they dance at jazz clubs too.”

A subtle fragrance spread. The scent flowing from Cecil floated lightly in the air with the music.

“It is probably a free atmosphere like this, isn’t it?”

The dance that had started as a joke was now finding a serious rhythm. Jeff quietly looked at Cecil. It was the first time he had faced him this closely. His own reflection was visible in the blue pupils that he had to look up slightly to meet. At that moment, the blue eyes trembled lowly. And the music stopped.

“How was it?”

As the last note faded like a lingering scent, Jeff slowly let go of his hands.

“It was not bad, right?”

Cecil looked at him with a complicated expression instead of an answer. But in the end, no words of denial came from his mouth. Jeff, who chuckled, said as he put away the record.

“I guess it would be good to go to the town’s record shop this holiday after all. And how about we dance like we did today, it would be fun, right?”

“No. Do not do that.”

Jeff turned his body at the short, firm voice. Cecil, with a sunken face, seemed to be ruminating on something. Jeff asked as he slowly approached him.

“Cecil, what is wrong?”

“What?”

“You suddenly seem down.”

As he said that, Cecil, who suddenly looked up, said.

“That is your story.”

“What are you talking about. Why would I be down?”

“Do you live without even looking in a mirror?”

“What?”

Cecil hardened his face as he looked at the bewildered Jeff.

“You look tired.”

“Do I? Well, I guess it is the early morning.”

When a nonchalant answer returned, Cecil’s voice became a notch lower.

“So… just rest on the holiday. We do not need any more records. In the first place, you do not have to go out of your way to get them….”

“Are you perhaps worried about me?”

Jeff, who had been staring at Cecil blankly, asked. At that, Cecil’s blue pupils wavered. His finely trembling lips eventually closed tightly. At the obvious reaction, Jeff added with a mischievous smile.

“It must be true. Have I finally become a little more comfortable for you?”

“Become comfortable?”

For a moment, a strange look crossed Cecil’s stiff face. That expression looked both like someone who had heard something ridiculous and like someone who was confused. Jeff, who was taken aback by the unexpected reaction, gave a bitter smile.

“Hmm, did I get ahead of myself?”

“…Ahead of yourself.”

A monotonous voice followed. Cecil, who was repeating his words like a parrot, still had a peculiar look in his eyes. To be honest, Jeff was bewildered by that reaction. They had been maintaining a good atmosphere until just now, so why was he making that face? What did his question about becoming comfortable sound like to him? When his thoughts reached that point, his heart became prickly. The words that burst out also followed the shape of his heart.

“Right. I thought we had gotten quite close. Of course, it seems it was my misunderstanding.”

“Gotten close? You and I?”

“…Cecil, do you have to drive the nail in like that to feel better?”

A sarcastic voice escaped Jeff’s mouth. He was aware that he was reacting childishly himself, but the words once spoken could not be taken back.

What am I even doing right now…. Jeff, who rubbed his furrowed brow, glanced up. The blue eyes with their still unfathomable light were facing him. Before he could apologize for reacting sharply, Cecil spoke first.

“I did not know you were thinking that way.”

“…What. That I thought I had gotten close to you?”

“Yes.”

Jeff asked as he looked at Cecil, who was slowly nodding his head.

“Why? We meet and talk every night. Just so you know, I have never even talked this much with my college roommate. Are you perhaps unhappy that I feel I have gotten close to you?”

“Rather than being unhappy, …it is just strange.”

“What is strange.”

“……”

Cecil, who was meeting his eyes blankly, parted his lips. As if he was rolling an unknown language in his mouth. After a moment of hesitation, he finally said it out loud.

“Jeff, you are an outsider.”

“……”

An outsider. As he said, Jeff was a complete outsider who had never been born or raised in Colley, and had no connections whatsoever. Perhaps Alan Walker had set foot here, but that was a separate matter from Jeff. So the word Cecil had uttered was an appropriate expression, but at the same time, it was a word that felt like a line was being drawn. Jeff, who had sighed without realizing it, opened his mouth.

“Have there been no other outsiders who have come and gone here besides me? It seems like you bring in a new private tutor every year.”

“It is true that the teacher changes every year, but the people who have come this far….”

Just as Cecil was continuing his words. Tap, tap. The sound of footsteps, along with a familiar scent, began to be heard. It was the sound of a four-legged beast.

“…Ego.”

Cecil’s blue eyes shifted past Jeff and landed on Ego. His gaze, which had been fixed, was stolen away. A strange sense of disappointment arose, but Jeff, who had managed to shake it off, looked back.

“……”

The black dog that had stopped at the door was staring at Jeff as if observing him. He was not as scared as before because there was someone who could handle him, but he was uneasy because he could not read the thoughts in its dark eyes. Because that creature was also an existence with the ‘scent’.

“Come here.”

Cecil extended his hand. Ego, who had turned his eyes from the intruder, slowly narrowed the distance and approached. The black dog, which had folded its long legs and lowered its body, looked quite docile. Cecil, who wrapped his arms around the dog’s neck, had an even more complicated expression on his face. Then he said.

Jeff.

“Go back now.”

“…Why so early? We still have things to talk about.”

Cecil, who was hugging the dog’s body and stroking it slowly, lowered his gaze.

“I do not really want to.”

“If you do not want to talk, I will, like always. I am always the one talking.”

“I do not want to hear it. I am not curious. I am tired.”

Thud. Cecil’s eyes closed as he rested his head. The blocking of his gaze meant the end of the conversation. He buried his face in the giant dog’s body and curled up as if to hide. No words that could penetrate that gap came to Jeff’s mind. But he did not want to go back just like this. That was why he had no choice but to be stubborn.

“Do you not want to hear more about the jazz club? I have not been there myself, but I know a fair amount thanks to my roommate. The atmosphere of the club, the people, the music, things like….”

“Jeff Lowell.”

“……”

“I am not curious.”

So go back now. A sense of fatigue was felt in the softly added voice. Once he realized that, he could not continue speaking. Jeff, who swallowed a faint sigh, reluctantly nodded his head.

“Alright. I will go back for today.”

“……”

“Good night, Cecil. See you tomorrow.”

Instead of a reply, he felt a gaze on his back. Just before he crossed the threshold and reached the stairs, Jeff turned his head and saw the afterimage of unfathomable blue eyes.