UPLB Ch 12

I don’t know why it feels so strange that the 20-year-old Choi Sungbin is going to the military. Most of his peers have already gone and come back, and even I have already served.

To be honest, Choi Sungbin did not suit that place. The very idea that he didn’t suit it was laughable, but it seemed even more so when watching him from a distance. He, who didn’t get along with men and was only ever with women, seemed like he would have a hard time adapting inside the military, a place teeming with men.

Or maybe it is because I feel a sense of loss. Is that why I am expressing my disappointment under the pretext of it feeling strange?

“…….”

Yang Juwon watched Choi Sungbin from a distance again today. As always, Choi Sungbin was with someone else. He was sitting on the campus cafeteria terrace, facing a woman and having a conversation.

The conversation was mostly led by the woman. He would nod and occasionally offer short responses that seemed like answers. Whenever I saw him, he was either alone or with other women.

Was Youngnan one of them? How on earth did Youngnan end up being rejected even by someone like Choi Sungbin? Although she was said to have changed now, there hadn’t been any major issues when they were dating.

But she had changed quite a lot now. At night, long messages would come from her.

Was she truly seeing me as just a friend now, or did she have no one else to pour her heart out to? Or perhaps she couldn’t bear it unless she did this.

Yang Juwon replied once for every three messages. The truth was, I had nothing to say either.

Me too. I, too, was watching Choi Sungbin.

I did not want to become like Youngnan. I couldn’t become like her anyway, but still. I was scared.

📝

Juwon, I’m okay now. I was sorry for being a nuisance to you. I was too selfish.

I did find some stability while dating you, but I’ve been struggling with various things since high school. So I think I was unknowingly swayed by Sungbin. I know you’re a really good person. I’m truly sorry for acting so rudely.

I’m sorry for calling you at dawn. I know it’s when you’re sleeping, but I wanted to at least hear your voice. I just needed someone to talk to.

I don’t want to lose contact with you so meaninglessly like this. It doesn’t have to be right now, but could you please contact me someday?

I’ll be waiting.

Yang Juwon stared blankly at the message Youngnan had sent. His heart felt heavy. It was a message he could easily reply to. He could say that everyone goes through times like that, that she could endure it.

But he could not do it.

If the person she was being swayed by was someone other than Choi Sungbin, he could have silently listened to her pain. But the person in question was Choi Sungbin. While he was not wallowing in pain as much as Youngnan, it was torment for him, too, to face him.

He did not know how well Choi Sungbin had treated her. But she was ultimately blinded by affection and failed to realize that the place she was in was a pit of fire. She acknowledged that Choi Sungbin had many women, but she found it hard to endure. She compared herself to every single woman by his side, one by one, and plummeted to rock bottom.

Watching such a Youngnan, he could not shake the thought of what a pathetic human being he was.

Youngnan at least expressed herself, but he could not reveal a single feeling. The most he could do was go on his SNS and look through every single tagged post.

“…….”

His heart felt so heavy that it was hard to stay at home. The one-room apartment was more spacious than his previous one, but it was still small. It was a place he had gotten with the money he had saved and the money his parents had given him. He had heard from his dad that his mom cried on her way home because it was a bizarrely shaped building, not a villa nor a detached house.

Yang Juwon had replied calmly.

‘Dad, a place like this is good. I’m satisfied.’

But it was also true that his heart ached hearing that his mom had cried. I was fine, but my parents always felt sorry. They didn’t have to. It was not a sin to not be well-off. Because I had received a love greater than that.

I may have lacked in material things, but I grew up well. When it came to affection, there was nothing lacking. When I was a student, they always made fresh rice for me in the morning, and my parents would always come to meet their grown-up son on his way home from school.

Sometimes, if we were walking and saw a snack shop that hadn’t closed, we would grab a late-night snack, and if there was an electric rotisserie chicken truck, we would buy one and eat it together at home.

When you thought about it, we were just an ordinary family. It’s not that I couldn’t afford a private tutor or academy that cost hundreds of thousands of won, because I did attend a general academy. They could afford that much.

It was not like we were living hand to mouth. It was tight, but we never had to worry about starving. We were just an ordinary family that worried moderately about old age and lived by moderately tightening our living expenses.

It was only after I came up to Seoul that I felt the gap, making my parents struggle, but when I was in school, there was nothing like that. Because everyone lived that way.

Yang Juwon finally pushed himself up. Staying at home, his heart felt so heavy he wanted to go out anywhere. The small one-room apartment isolated a person. Since a walk was just one or two steps before stopping, it felt as if his own time had stopped as well.

Things kept stagnating. Light, time, thoughts, and emotions.

In his haste, he grabbed only his phone and wallet. I should at least go for a walk. If I stayed like this any longer, I felt like I would drown and die in the stagnant water.

Whether it was the beginning of the semester, exam period, or vacation. The university district, lined with bars, was always crowded with people. The streets were teeming not only with students but also with people who came to enjoy the nightlife.

Yang Juwon just walked in silence. He belatedly realized that tomorrow was the weekend. He regretted coming this way because of the larger crowd than usual, but the way to school was the same regardless.

He planned to exit the downtown area, walk through the campus, cut through the side path of the College of Social Sciences, and return to his place. His parents felt sorry that his place was small, but he liked that it was near his department building. He could go and rest when he had a short break between classes, and he could also easily grab a meal.

As he left the bustling downtown area filled with people laughing and chatting loudly and entered the campus, it finally became quiet. Of course, there were certainly people making noise here too, but it was definitely less than the area outside.

Only after he got near his department building did Yang Juwon check his phone. It was past one in the morning. It seemed he had walked for about 30 minutes. It was the time of night when the people outside would be staggering.

I should get home quickly. If it gets any later, tomorrow might be difficult. Yang Juwon quickened his pace.

As he was climbing the stairs, the phone in his hand vibrated faintly. He checked the caller ID.

Park Youngnan

A call came from Youngnan again. It was always around the same time. She must have been drinking. She had said she was going to her parents’ house, but not much had changed.

It seemed her parents were watching her closely, but she would always sneak out late at night or drink hidden in her room. Because she relieved stress in an unhealthy way, her messages and calls would be piled up by the time night came.

“Hello.”

Yang Juwon answered the call. When he actually answered, Youngnan would ramble incoherently before belatedly coming to her senses and ending the call abruptly.

—Uh, ah, Juwon.

As expected, she was drunk. Yang Juwon scraped the floor with the sole of his shoe as he climbed the stairs.

“Yeah. I saw your message.”

—Ah, I wasn’t going to call…, but I was so, so bored. Sorry. But I’m sober right now. I didn’t drink.

Even though she did drink. She must have felt sorry herself, pretending she hadn’t drunk like this. He knew that he was the only person Youngnan had to call. Since they both lived alone, they had spent a lot of time together.

Neither of them had any particularly close friends. I had a friend from high school in a different department, but we were not close enough to hang out affectionately.

“Go home quickly. Your parents will be worried.”

—I’m at the convenience store in front of my house. Just wanted to take a walk. You seem to be outside too, what are you doing?

“I came out for a walk too.”

—Then should we talk until you get there?

He could not easily agree to the gentle suggestion. The final destination of their roundabout conversation would eventually be Choi Sungbin.

Just. I did not want to talk about Choi Sungbin.

Youngnan, I like Choi Sungbin too. I might not be able to as much as you, but I do too. I might not have any connection with him, but I feel the same way.

If he said this to Youngnan, what kind of reaction would she show? Yang Juwon let out a weak smile.

He finally reached the top of the stairs. And he lifted his head.

“…….”

The sound of Youngnan’s rambling voice was no longer audible. His gaze went to the bench in front of him.

In front of the department building, there was a bench where Choi Sungbin often sat. Whenever he was alone, he would always sit on that bench. He would not even touch his phone and would just stare blankly at the campus. I thought the surrounding plants and atmosphere suited the man well.

Suddenly, he wanted to go there. What did Choi Sungbin think about while sitting on the bench? He became curious about his line of sight.

He moved his feet without a word. As it was late at night, not even the streetlights were on. Unlike usual, the atmosphere was gloomy. It was quiet and silent.

—Juwon?

“Yeah, I’m listening. Go on.”

Although he had not heard what she was saying, Yang Juwon answered vaguely. He sat on the bench and stared straight ahead. Since it was near the department building, it was ordinary and familiar. It was a place with nothing special about it.

A place I always passed by. This bench was the same. It only became a special place because Choi Sungbin spent his time alone there.

He let out a hollow laugh.

What am I doing. Like a fool.

He finally stood up. It was the next moment that he froze.

Beyond the low arborvitae trees surrounding the bench, a man was collapsed. There was no sign of life from the man who was lying on the laid-out grass as if it were a blanket. If I hadn’t sat on the bench, I would not have even noticed his presence.

“…….”

His hand holding the phone tightened. His pupils trembled. I think I know who it is.

There was no way he could not recognize him. Even though he was collapsed on the ground, he noticed from his tall height and slender frame. He would have known even if his face was buried in darkness and not visible.

“Youngnan.”

—Yeah.

“I think I need to hang up.”

—Are you home?

“No, that’s not it……. Anyway, I’m hanging up.”

He ended the call without even waiting for a reply. It seemed Youngnan had said something faintly over the phone, but he could not hear it. Yang Juwon shoved his phone into his pocket and quickened his pace.

He passed the arborvitae trees that were arranged like a fence and headed towards the collapsed man. Despite approaching with quite a bit of noise, there was no reaction from the man lying on his side.

He knelt down in front of him. To check his condition, he laid the man down so he would face the sky.

“Choi Sungbin.”

He called the man’s name. I wonder if this is what it feels like to encounter a sleeping Snow White. Of course, I would be a dwarf, not a prince.

A faint smell of alcohol came from the man. He only knew because he was close; otherwise, it was so faint he would not have even noticed.

The smell of alcohol was not overpowering, so why was Choi Sungbin collapsed on campus? What should I do, he was pondering, when he furrowed his brow. He wrapped his hand around the nape of his neck and carefully lifted his head. He was only helping because he looked uncomfortable, there were no other thoughts.

Even after adjusting his posture, the frown on his forehead showed no sign of smoothing out. It was not an easy task to support the limp man with just his hands. The muscles in his bicep and forearm tensed up. It was not just because he was holding him up.

It was the first time he had seen Choi Sungbin this close. His features, which looked as if drawn with a thin line, were handsome. It was surely nothing but darkness, yet because his skin was so fair, it seemed as if light was pooled there.

“…….”

He gazed at him blankly. Ah, Choi Sungbin’s lips parted. A weak sigh escaped like a breath.

Yang Juwon finally came to his senses. His body froze. The two of them did not know each other.

“My head hurts.”

Choi Sungbin muttered without even opening his eyes. Was it because he was drunk? Yang Juwon swallowed dryly.

“……Why?”

“Because I drank. My head hurts…….”

“…….”

“Thanks for helping me, but I’m dizzy…….”

“What can I do for you?”

“Hmm, I want to lie down in a bed.”

A conversation was taking place. Did that mean he wasn’t that drunk? he wondered, but it was actually the opposite. It was because he was dead drunk that a conversation was possible.

The only time they had spoken was a few months ago. Things like when they bumped into each other at the library and he picked up his things, or when he closed his open bag. Nothing since then.

Only alcohol and darkness provided a good excuse. If I could have had a conversation through alcohol, maybe I should have participated in a few department events……. Amidst it all, such a foolish thought was added.

“Where is your house? I’ll take you.”

“My head really hurts……. It keeps……, yeah…….”

“Where did the person you were drinking with go, why are you alone?”

“Because I hate those bastards…….”

Choi Sungbin finally opened his eyes. He slowly blinked his eyes open and shut. His face was not even flushed red. He did not smell that much of alcohol, so why was he this drunk?

Ahem, he shifted his shoulders as if his head was uncomfortable, so I adjusted his posture to be a little more comfortable.

“They told me to wait until the dance department people came…… but my head hurt, and I didn’t want to……, they said they were going for a second round and I…….”

“…….”

“……they’re weird, those bastards.”

He did not finish his sentences properly. He could never find out the exact reason why he was passed out on campus. Whether he had slipped out on his own, or whether they had not taken care of the drunk him and just left him there.

Listening to it vaguely, it seemed like a mix of both. It seemed that Choi Sungbin was drunk and the atmosphere of the gathering turned bad so he tried to leave, and the others, despite knowing he was drunk, sent him off alone without any follow-up care.

“Did you drink with people from our department?”

“Our…… department?”

His speech was slow. Ah. Yang Juwon paused only after he had spoken. Did he still not know who I was? He thought it was possible if he was drunk. Still, they had exchanged names, so once he sobered up, he would probably know of my existence. Even if he didn’t know my name, he would know since we met at the library. Didn’t he ask if I was a sunbae from his department back then?

“Ah……, right. Our department.”

Choi Sungbin replied, his words trailing off. He then added that the men in the department had been drinking together. A few faces came to mind.

They were not exactly good-quality guys. It might be natural for vigorous men in their 20s to be interested in the opposite sex, but their interest crossed the line. Their eyes were bloodshot and they were hell-bent on getting anything they could.

What’s this about the dance department? Were they trying to use Choi Sungbin as a pretty face?

Perhaps to them, Choi Sungbin was good prey. He was definitely different from them. He did not desperately try to get attention; rather, gazes were naturally drawn to him.

“…….”

Yang Juwon did not reply and looked around. His phone and wallet were thrown about nearby.

He briefly laid Choi Sungbin down and picked up the wallet and phone. It seemed like there would have been at least one call, but there was not a single missed call.

Yang Juwon shoved his wallet and phone into his own pocket along with his own things. Since he had already brought his own stuff, his pocket felt like it was going to burst. But there was no way he could stay here at this hour.

He helped Choi Sungbin’s upper body up. Limp, he was surprisingly heavy. It was incomparable to a few weeks ago when he had carried a drunk Youngnan on his back and taken her home.

“……You can’t stay here.”

Choi Sungbin buried his forehead in Yang Juwon’s shoulder. Ugh, ugh, the nasal sounds he let out somehow felt like cute whining. Yang Juwon chewed on his lip and shifted his gaze to the opposite side. The path he always took felt exceptionally dark and grim today.

Because it was like my own heart, this path felt even more terrifying. It was a relief that there were no lights. Because I did not have to look down on my own wretched self.

“Me.”

Choi Sungbin rubbed his forehead as he snuggled closer. Despite having a larger frame than me, he burrowed into me. The hand wrapped around his shoulder tightened.

It seemed like a habitual action, but for me who had to face it, I could only stiffen.

When he drank with other people, no, women, did he get clingy like this? When he swallowed dryly, his Adam’s apple bobbed.

He looked at a distant mountain before slowly turning his gaze. The dawn felt especially quiet today. Unlike that, his heart was pounding violently.

“Where are you taking me?”

Choi Sungbin smiled, his eyes curving beautifully. The moment Yang Juwon saw that smile, all his distracting thoughts vanished. His mind went completely blank. He could not offer any reply and could only stare at him blankly.

📝

“…….”

Yang Juwon laid Choi Sungbin on the bed and then sat perched on the edge. Phew, he let out a sigh. He belatedly wondered what on earth he was doing.

His whole body was drenched in sweat. The early summer weather was already draining, and on top of that, he had to unexpectedly drag a well-built man around. He had called a taxi with an app, but he still had to go down the stairs to the road.

Choi Sungbin had shifted all of his weight onto me. He occasionally muttered something, but I could not hear it.

Yang Juwon sat alone in the darkness. A motel, by its nature, was darker than any other place when the lights were off. He didn’t even have a chance to turn on the lights. He had barely managed to take off his shoes and throw them carelessly in the entryway. As for the shoes Choi Sungbin was wearing, he could only take them off after he had laid him on the bed.

Wondering if he should at least turn on a light, he started to get up. The spring of the bed, which had been weighed down heavily, creaked. The motel, reeking of stale cigarette smoke, was just so-so. It was just an ordinary motel.

In truth, motels were still unfamiliar. Even when he was dating Youngnan, he had only come a handful of times. Since they both lived alone, they frequently visited each other’s places.

“……Where are you going.”

A voice came from the darkness. Yang Juwon froze in place and turned his head toward the bed. Only a faint shape was visible.

“To turn on the light.”

“Come over here.”

It was far from the gentle voice he showed to others. It was low and somber. He could not refuse.

Yang Juwon dragged his slippers and approached him. His wrist was grabbed, and he sat down on the edge of the bed. Seen up close, his form was slightly more distinct. The eyes that had been firmly shut slowly opened.

Just once. Just this once.

Yang Juwon raised his hand and swept it across his cheek. The skin was soft. He used the darkness as an excuse. It’s okay since I can’t see anything. But what would he think if he found out that a sunbae from the same department, of the same gender, had dragged him to a motel?

Conflicting emotions boiled up. He wanted him to recognize me, but at the same time, he wished he wouldn’t.

“…….”

But the moment he was faced with Choi Sungbin rubbing his cheek against his palm, none of it mattered anymore.

“……Why did you ask me to come over?”

“Are you going to stay with me?”

“You told me to come.”

“Yeah, because I thought it would be okay.”

What did he mean by ‘thought it would be okay’? Did he realize my existence? Does he know who I am?

His jaw tensed with the surging nervousness. Yang Juwon exhaled a sigh through his nose. His breath hitched for a moment.

“Do you know who I am?”

His voice trembled pathetically. He did not ask for much. He decided to be honest. He wanted him to recognize me. He wanted to receive his attention.

I just wish he would recognize who I am. That is why I followed his SNS and wandered around his vicinity. I familiarized myself with the places he frequented and went there often. I want to be imprinted on Choi Sungbin.

Even if not my feelings, just my existence. That was all I wished for.

“…….”

But no answer came back from Choi Sungbin.

He chewed on his lip due to the greatly wavering emotions. Expectation and disappointment repeated. It was the same when he followed his SNS. He thought he would know of his existence, and so he followed him. But no answer came back.

Would it be the same this time? Yang Juwon removed the hand he had placed on his cheek. As soon as he did, it was grabbed again.

“Tell me.”

“…….”

“You just have to tell me, right?”

What was he thinking? It was probably the biggest impulse of my entire life. Just as a messily tangled electrical wire might spark a fire, my head exploded with a ‘pop’.

Yang Juwon pressed his own lips against the man’s. The lips that had been crudely smashed against his pulled away. It was an act closer to a collision than a kiss.

“Ah, that hurts…….”

Choi Sungbin let out a pained sound and laughed softly. His laughter doubled the shame, but it was hard to suppress the impulse. Yang Juwon rambled on and on.

“I, I like you.”

“You do?”

“I’ve liked you for a long time. So, so…….”

“What do you want to do?”

Choi Sungbin tried to sit up but then fell back onto the bed. It’s hard, he muttered, curling his body to the side.

At the rustling sound, Yang Juwon wanted to turn on the light. He was curious what kind of expression he was looking at me with. The fact that they could have a conversation must mean he at least recognized my existence.

“What do you want from me.”

“I don’t want anything. It’s just. My feelings are…….”

“You do.”

Choi Sungbin drew closer. Yang Juwon even felt a shiver at the hot hand covering the back of his. A languid voice tickled his ear.

“I think there’s something you want.”

His hand trembled. I want you to know me. I want you to know that I like you. I don’t even wish for you to treat me like you treat others. I want to see you up close. Just being able to see you is enough.

He wanted to endure it because he knew how difficult the love Youngnan was enduring was. He clenched his fist tightly.

“……I don’t know.”

“Do what you want.”

“I don’t know what ‘do what you want’ means.”

“Hmm.”

He looked down at their clasped hands. Choi Sungbin drew a circle on the back of his hand with his index finger. One circle, two circles, three circles…… by the time he finished, Yang Juwon quickly pulled his hand away. It was as hot as if it were on fire. He cupped his hand and held it to his chest, but the heat still remained.

Choi Sungbin was the one who drank, but it was he who was getting hot. He had only come out for a walk because his head felt stuffy, but far from going home, he had run into a completely unexpected situation.

“You, you don’t even know who I am.”

“No.”

“But why are you telling me to do what I want…….”

“You helped me.”

“…….”

“That’s why I’m telling you to do what you want.”

“…….”

“Then, should I sleep?”

He had no boundaries, far too few. I don’t think he was usually this bad. Was it because he was drunk? Or did he always treat women with this kind of relaxed demeanor?

He was burning with anxiety. Yang Juwon wet his lips with his tongue.

“I want to drink some water.”

“…….”

“Water.”

Choi Sungbin was giving an order. It was not just ending with ‘I want to drink water,’ but he was specifically demanding that I bring him water.

Yang Juwon got up, took out a bottle of water from the small, one-compartment refrigerator, and handed it to Choi Sungbin. Choi Sungbin opened the water bottle without even sitting up.

“How are you going to drink it lying down.”

“I’m dizzy. I’m drunk.”

“Give it here.”

Yang Juwon took the water bottle from him. He supported his head to help him drink the water. Haha, Choi Sungbin laughed like a mischievous boy. Before he could even feel dazed by that laugh, he grabbed his neck with one hand, overlapping his, and pulled him closer.

“…….”

Yang Juwon was so startled that he dropped the water bottle. The bottle soaked both of their shirts and the bed before rolling onto the floor. Water poured out of the narrow opening. Silently, but soakingly.

Because he had his legs down, his feet got wet. His wet socks felt uncomfortable, but he was out of his mind. A faint smell of alcohol came from between their locked lips.

He had never touched skin with him before, but he had an image that his body temperature would be low. Because the lines of his features were thin, he had a slightly snake-like feel to him. But it was my misconception.

Whether it was because of the alcohol or if his body temperature was naturally high, wherever he touched, I melted.

It seemed like Choi Sungbin would enjoy a soft kiss, but surprisingly, he was the type to push forward aggressively. Yang Juwon, who had only ever had standard kisses, became as dazed as if he had drunk his alcohol for him.

A moist tongue rolled inside his mouth, and it sucked as if pulling at the root of his tongue, but it was not unpleasant.

Just a couple of hours ago, he never would have imagined he would be rubbing lips with Choi Sungbin. He could not understand the current situation. But he could not push him away either. Because the situation he had only wished for in his head was unfolding right before his eyes.

If he tensed his jaw and opened a little wider, Choi Sungbin would tilt his head and press in deeper. His hand wrapped around the nape of his neck and tickled his back. Peck, peck, he kept pressing his lips against the corner of his mouth before moving down to his neck. His body flinched and stiffened. Hot breath tickled his skin.

It was the first time he had ever received caresses. His relationship with Youngnan had always been plain. Because Youngnan was in excessive pain and struggled after they had relations, he was the type to try to do everything during the act itself.

Yang Juwon clenched his fists tightly at the awkward and unfamiliar sensation.

“Uht……”

He let out a short breath and twisted his shoulders, but he dug in persistently.

The man who had been tickling his spine with his fingertips raised his nails and tapped the center of his back. It was a puzzling gesture.

As soon as he realized its meaning, Yang Juwon came to his senses. He poured cold water on his heart, which had been not just on fire but melting. He opened his eyes wide and pushed the man away.

Choi Sungbin, who fell backward, buried himself in the pillow and let out a low breath.

“Ah…….”

Yang Juwon wiped his lips with the back of his hand. Choi Sungbin slowly blinked his eyes open and shut. Only the sound of heavy breathing filled the silence. He chewed on his lip before finally calling out to him.

“Choi Sungbin.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not a woman.”

“……Ah.”

He replied a beat too late. His heart pounded wildly. I was the one who talked to him and brought him to the motel, so could he be so dead drunk that he could not even recognize my gender?

Yang Juwon parted his lips slightly and let out a long breath. Uh, Choi Sungbin showed another short reaction.

“Yeah, it’s okay.”

“I said I’m a man, not a woman.”

“It’s okay, really.”

What did he mean by okay? Did he mean men were also possible, not just women? Yang Juwon moved his body back to get away from him.

His wrist was caught by Choi Sungbin again and he was pulled closer. In truth, he had enough strength to shake him off. But Yang Juwon could not do it.

Do I want to believe his words that it is okay?

Did he give Youngnan this kind of false hope too?

As soon as they got close, their lips met again. This time, unlike before, he gently caressed his lips. He bit his lower lip without hurting it and then sucked on it carefully.

“Is it really okay?”

He whispered, their lips barely touching. Yeah, it’s okay. Choi Sungbin tilted his head and took his lips once more. A wet tongue dug between his teeth and then retreated.

“……Why is it okay?”

“Because you’re being nice to me.”

“Is everything okay as long as someone is nice to you?”

“Yeah.”

Contrary to his calm voice, the man’s hand had already reached his chest. He gently brushed his nipple with his thumb. Bending his knuckle, he fiddled with the erect nipple over his shirt. Yang Juwon let out a short breath.

“Is it only okay for tonight? Or tomorrow too…….”

“Tomorrow too.”

“…….”

“Are you going to be nice to me?”

“…….”

“Then it’s okay.”

“…….”

“How far can you go for me?”

Yang Juwon was suddenly reminded of a trip he took with his parents when he was very young. Due to his father’s mistake, they got a room at a guesthouse in a remote port instead of a beach. There was a stray dog there that got fed fish by the people who enjoyed sea fishing.

The dog he met there rolled over to show its belly just because I had held out my hand, and on the day we were leaving, it kept chasing the departing car. It ran and ran, as if asking to be taken along. All because I had just held out my hand.

Is he normally this unguarded? It was me who was standing before the line drawn by the man who acted as if he would give up everything just because I helped him up when he was passed out drunk.

He would not have been like this only to me. Youngnan had also fallen for his false hope.

He remembered what Youngnan had said. That he looked lonely, that it seemed like he could not live without her.

“…….”

Yang Juwon, without answering, let himself be held in his arms. There was no need to answer. He did not know what he wanted, but it felt like he could do anything for him.

If only I could be by the side of him whom I had only watched in secret.

Another deep kiss followed. They tangled their tongues, exchanged sticky breaths, and hot saliva passed between them. Gasping for breath, they rolled around on the bed.

There were times when I was on top, and times when Choi Sungbin climbed on top of me. This time, Yang Juwon also actively participated in the kiss. Forgetting even to breathe, he licked every part of his mouth.

“Ah…….”

Choi Sungbin suddenly thrust his hand inside his T-shirt. As soon as his hand touched his skin, Yang Juwon flinched. Come to think of it, his entire body was drenched in sweat from dragging him here. He did not want to do it in this state.

He placed his hands on his shoulders and gently pushed him away. Choi Sungbin, who was pushed away obediently, pressed his lips deeply one more time before pulling back.

“I’m going to go wash up.”

“It’s fine.”

“Ha.”

He finally let out a hollow laugh. Just how far was this kid okay with things? Choi Sungbin caressed Yang Juwon’s jaw and then pressed his thumb firmly on his lips. His lips slowly parted.

He was seducing him again. He felt like he would fall for it at this rate. He did not like it.

Yang Juwon quickly got up and moved away from the bed.

“I sweated too much, so I’ll go wash up.”

He knew what it meant to say you were going to wash up in the middle of a kiss. Because he was not an innocent child. It’s okay. It’s okay. It was an unexpected situation, but he comforted himself.

Youngnan repeatedly flashed through his mind, but he tried his best to ignore it.

I was not the only one who wanted it. Choi Sungbin also said it was okay. He held his hand, kissed him, and rolled around on the bed. There was no need to be scared. He had no experience with men, but with Choi Sungbin, it was okay.

“……Should we wash together.”

Choi Sungbin muttered lowly, his voice more hoarse than before. Despite having clung to each other, Choi Sungbin was not sweating. Also, even if he had been sweating, I felt like I would not have cared.

He probably could not see him, but he shook his head.

“No. I’ll just wash up quickly by myself.”

Even pouring cold water on himself did not relieve the heat. He had always lived thinking he was a plain person sexually, but while washing, he could not hold back and masturbated. While thinking of Choi Sungbin who would be waiting for him on the bed.

After finishing his shower, Yang Juwon put on the robe he had brought in with him. He tied the ribbon tightly and came out.

Is it okay to turn on the motel light now? Since I don’t have to hide anymore. Didn’t he say everything was okay? The heart-pounding thumping was half anticipation, half nervousness, and even a little unpleasant.

Click—. He pressed the switch. The orange light of the motel was always damp. How would Choi Sungbin react? Would he snuggle up cutely like before? Or would he be a little shy?

“…….”

Unlike a moment ago, the room was quiet. Only a very faint sound of breathing could be heard.

On top of the messy bed, Choi Sungbin was asleep. He had not washed for long, but it seemed he had fallen asleep in the meantime.

He must have been in a deep sleep, as he did not even stir when he turned on the light.

“Ha…….”

The tension drained away, and only then did his strength leave him. He felt empty, but on the other hand, he thought it might be for the better. If they had relations under the influence of alcohol, what kind of face would he see him with the next day?

Perhaps it would be better to just spend time like this for now and talk when he was sober. Even if he could not act as affectionate as other people, he wanted to stay by his side like a friend. Since I am older, wouldn’t it be possible for me to at least look after and take care of him?

Perhaps I was not a pathetic dwarf. Choi Sungbin made me that way.

He watched the bed where he was sleeping. No matter how he thought about it, he could not bring himself to lie down in the empty space. How had they even rolled around on top of it? Looking at the messy sheets, his face flushed for no reason.

Yang Juwon finally turned his back to the bed. He checked his phone, which he had left on the table. My belongings and Choi Sungbin’s were tangled up together haphazardly. It was past four in the morning.

Three missed calls and one message. The sender was one person. It was all from Youngnan.

“…….”

For some reason, with an ominous premonition, his hands fiddling with the phone became hasty.

Juwon, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can make it. It’s too hard to endure. Even if I pretend to be okay, I’m not okay at all. I don’t know why this is happening only to me. The truth is, I think about him every single day and that scares me. So I just want to end it.

The moment he saw the long message, he felt nauseous. His pupils shook violently. He called her without hesitation.

He had to confirm what she was thinking to send me a text like this. And whether she was okay.

The call tone continued, but Youngnan did not answer the phone. He had no idea what to do. No, first. He had to figure out Youngnan’s condition.

Yang Juwon looked at Choi Sungbin, who was sleeping peacefully on the bed.

“…….”

His clear face, which looked as if it had never experienced any trials or hardships, looked so much like an angel. Suddenly, it even looked detestable.

Youngnan is having such a hard time. It’s so hard to endure that she pours out her grievances to me, but Choi Sungbin smiles sweetly and burrows in, kisses me, and asks me to be nice to him. Even though everyone would be nice to him.

He was a greedy man.

First…….

Yang Juwon put his phone on speakerphone and changed his clothes. This was not the time to be doing this. First, he had to go and check on Youngnan’s condition.

Choi Sungbin was next. After I sort everything out, then…….

In the end, I am also a stupid bastard. Of course he was worried about Youngnan, but he also wanted to face Choi Sungbin in a slightly cleaner state.

📝

It was decided that Youngnan would be admitted to a closed psychiatric ward. She was scheduled to be hospitalized for two weeks. Whether it was unfortunate or fortunate, the worst-case scenario did not unfold. Youngnan had left the message and was in a deep sleep after being dragged away by her younger brother’s hand.

It was a situation that had already been decided, but because Juwon took the first bus and knocked on her door, the atmosphere became like a house in mourning from the crack of dawn. Her younger brother muttered to himself that Youngnan was pathetic, her father pressed her, asking why on earth she was being like that, and her mother only shed tears.

Youngnan, after being quiet, mouthed to Juwon.

‘I’m sorry.’

Juwon silently stayed by her side. He thought it was a relief that she was at least being hospitalized.

It is a relief. If she receives treatment, she will be able to get better. If she was this obsessed and struggling, how broken must her heart be?

Watching the gaunt Youngnan get into the back seat, Yang Juwon decided to stop. He thought it would be better to meet Choi Sungbin in person and talk. That I was actually the one who had dated Youngnan, that Youngnan was having a very hard time, and to forget the night we spent together and just remain as acquaintances. To forget the confession I made and all my pathetic behavior.

He also felt that would be his final courtesy to Youngnan.

Yang Juwon bought a hangover cure and a drink at a convenience store. This was to soothe Choi Sungbin’s stomach since he knew he had been drunk the day before. It had no great meaning.

He knew he was rationalizing by constantly adding reasons, but he could not help it. He just wanted to do it. Because that is what emotions are like.

If it were an emotion that could be understood and persuaded, he would not have even looked at Choi Sungbin. He would not have obsessively visited his SNS, nor would he have come to school, looked around, and searched for him. The night before, there would have been no such thing as taking care of him.

“…….”

Choi Sungbin was at the cafe inside the department building. Yang Juwon watched him from a distance, sitting in the same clothes as yesterday, before gripping the bag again. The thought that he had rolled around on the bed in those clothes gave him a strange feeling.

I can say it, right? I can greet him, right? It would be nice if Choi Sungbin acknowledged me first, but since his back was to me, I could not be seen.

He definitely wanted to just say let’s remain as acquaintances, but the closer he got, the more he felt like a stranger to himself, to the point he could feel his own breathing. When he approached the table, he even held his breath without realizing it.

The two pairs of eyes that had been facing each other turned towards me. Yang Juwon stood awkwardly in front of the table and looked at Choi Sungbin. He hoped he would smile like he did yesterday.

“…….”

But there was no reaction from him. He showed no expression at all. In fact, he even felt cold. Yang Juwon felt as if something large had struck him on the head.