UPLB Ch 31
by soapaI had moments like this too. Holed up in my room, not even turning on the light, scrolling through Choi Sungbin’s SNS, staying up all night. For days after spending a night with him and feeling disappointed, I stayed in my room, just drinking. But now, things are somewhat okay.
I don’t resent him. There were moments I hated him, but it’s all okay now.
The same for me, and for Yeongnan too. We both knew better than anyone that time heals everything.
Being together was more like poison. Yang Juwon pursed his lips, then let them go.
“I know what you mean by saying it’s hard. And I don’t think I can fill you up. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
“…Is it because of me?”
“I said it’s because of me. I’m the one who…”
“Are you making excuses for me? Saying I can’t even accept the affection I’m given, that it’s my fault in the end?”
“That’s not it.”
“Just be honest. Say you’re tired of me.”
Yang Juwon didn’t say anything. He wasn’t tired of him, but he was exhausted, that was true.
Did he ever truly want genuine affection from him? Should he have just looked from afar and left it at that?
“Why today of all days?”
“…”
“You met your parents and now you think it’s not right? I apologized. Should I kneel or something?”
“I told you. I can’t fill you up.”
“What’s filling up, damn it, you keep saying that since yesterday.”
Tears he’d barely wiped away welled up again. He roughly wiped them, and Yang Juwon, watching, looked away.
“Sungbin-ah.”
Choi Sungbin wiped his tears over and over. But just as you can’t scoop up spilled water, his emotions were the same.
He soon lowered his head. His shoulders trembled as he sobbed. Please stop crying. Please. Yang Juwon’s heart grew heavy.
He liked Choi Sungbin. He always thought he shone. Even among many people, he stood out. That’s why seeing him so frail was hard. Would he have been okay if they hadn’t met?
Just casually dating, laughing, and talking…
Could they go back to that time? It’d be tough for a while, but if Yang Juwon stayed out of his sight, it’d be fine.
The saying that time is medicine exists for a reason.
“Sungbin-ah.”
Yang Juwon finally dragged his heavy steps to his side. He knelt to meet his eyes.
Up close, his face was a mess. He’d wiped his tears so hard there was a small scratch on his cheek.
“You need to see yourself right now.”
“…”
“You feel it too, that something’s off. I’ve been there. It’ll get better with time. I might seem harsh now, but…”
“No.”
Choi Sungbin slowly shook his head. His jaw trembled from holding back tears, but they kept falling. His shaking hands fumbled to grab Yang Juwon’s.
“No.”
“…”
“No. No…”
Their clasped hands trembled nonstop. His whole body did.
He buried his face in Yang Juwon’s lap, his muffled voice leaking out.
“I told you to hold onto me if I said let’s break up…”
“…”
“Why are you the one saying that?”
His clothes got wet. Yang Juwon closed his eyes. No, no, no… The repeated words finally brought tears to his eyes.
📝
Choi Sungbin stirred and woke up. He was strangely calm.
He blinked quietly. His eyes stung. He touched them gently. Was there a scratch?
His body felt warm. Not tired, not refreshed, but eerily calm.
He touched his forehead and sat up.
“…”
He fumbled on the bed for his phone. Grabbing it, he checked the time. It was just past 10 a.m.
He opened the camera to check his face. His eyes were red and swollen, with a faint scratch, likely from his nails while wiping tears.
Ugly. His face was a mess.
After checking, he collapsed back against the headboard. His arms hung limp as he rolled his eyes.
No presence was felt.
He lacked the strength to get up, but with no choice, he rose and wandered the house.
The simple layout let him see everything at a glance. No one was home.
Leaning against the kitchen counter, he rubbed his neck. He closed his eyes deeply, then opened them. With a blank face, he picked up his phone.
He made a call. Naturally.
The ringtone went on for a while but didn’t connect. Choi Sungbin stared at the screen with trembling eyes, then set it down.
He calmly prepared to go out.
He showered, dried his hair, changed, and lightly sprayed cologne, finishing up.
He drove more calmly than ever.
He hadn’t felt this calm in a while. Maybe because he’d poured out all his anxiety and nervousness.
He drove peacefully into a narrow alley. Parking nearby, he walked a familiar path. He climbed the building’s stairs, eyes closed, and stood at the door.
He entered the password and went inside.
“…”
“…”
Calmly, more composed than ever, he stood at the entrance, looking down at the man crouching on the floor.
The startled man looked up with wide eyes. Unorganized clothes were scattered around him.
Choi Sungbin scanned them all.
Could he be this calm? Had he gone mad these past few days? He thought he’d lost his sanity, but now he was terrifyingly rational.
Yang Juwon spoke first.
“…You’re up?”
Choi Sungbin nodded once instead of answering.
“I was going to drop off your stuff and leave.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. You seemed like you’d sleep a while.”
“I passed out from crying, and you call it sleeping.”
“You haven’t slept well lately, have you?”
He knew. Normally, Choi Sungbin would’ve snapped, but not now.
“Anyway, since you’re up, I don’t need to leave.”
He was calm, composed. A rare peace of mind, like a still ocean.
Seeing the messy stuff, Choi Sungbin could guess why. When pushed to the edge, you get calm. You have to think.
To overcome obstacles, you sink colder.
Choi Sungbin was looking for a way. A way to undo Yang Juwon’s breakup.
He thought of past partners. Some got too attached. For him, who preferred things light, it was burdensome, so he ended things.
What did they do?
They cried, got angry, acted like saviors. Some called or messaged all night.
How did he feel? Did he hold on?
No. He just wondered when the drama would end.
Seeing Yang Juwon now, it meant he’d become one of them.
His calm mind started to tangle. He searched for a way but found none. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to hold onto Yang Juwon, but had no ideas, no methods.
Overwhelmed by helplessness, he forced his expression to stay neutral. His cheek bothered him, and he touched it.
“Choi Sungbin.”
Yang Juwon called him. Choi Sungbin met his eyes instead of answering.
“Come sit.”
He took heavy steps and sat beside him. He was scared of what he’d say but didn’t show it.
Yesterday, he was a madman, but today, he was somewhat okay. At least he could act human.
“Don’t stay cooped up. Keep the curtains open. You like working out, so I won’t mention that. Go out often. Don’t just lie at home.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Don’t think. Thinking makes it worse. Staying busy seems best.”
His calm heart stirred again. Why talk like it’s really over? Like he’s moving on. Choi Sungbin bit his lip hard, then let go.
Yang Juwon continued, probably reading his expression. Why talk like that now?
“If it’s really tough, they say going to a hospital helps. Do what they say, and…”
“What hospital?”
“…”
“What hospital are you talking about? I’m healthy.”
“Not because you’re sick. Just…”
“You’re really trying to ditch me, sunbae.”
Ha, he let out a sigh he couldn’t hold. His emotions tangled again, but he tried to stay calm. It wasn’t an act.
He wanted to soothe things, calmly talk to undo yesterday’s words.
I cried and clung to you yesterday, and you’re really ending it? Choi Sungbin took a deep breath, relaxing.
“It’s fine.” But his voice trembled. So pathetic.
“I’m really sorry for what happened. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was just so anxious. I hit my limit. You know how that feels, sunbae. You said you’ve been there. I don’t understand myself either. I didn’t want to get so angry. I’m really, truly sorry. So…”
Yang Juwon cut into his fading words.
“That’s why I chose to stay busy. Bury it.”
“But who’s that about?”
It wasn’t the time to ask, but he was curious. Who did Yang Juwon love so deeply? A girlfriend? Someone he didn’t know?
Did he habitually love someone? Or…
“…”
Yang Juwon said nothing. Choi Sungbin’s mind went blank. He said he loved for a long time. So the person Yang Juwon loved enough to break…
“Was it me?”
“It’s pointless to say now. Just…”
“Was it me?”
Yang Juwon looked away. Choi Sungbin closed his mouth. Anger surged. He loved me that much. Loved me that much, so why break up now?
I can do better now.
I think I can now. I won’t say let’s break up, and since we’ve said everything, we could have a more stable relationship.
“Date me again. I won’t do it anymore.”
“…”
“It worked when I held on. Hold onto me too, sunbae. That’s how it works.”
He stared at Yang Juwon, who looked troubled and avoided his gaze. Time passed, and he said nothing, didn’t look.
Choi Sungbin watched silently, then moved his lips. A weak voice slipped out.
“Why no answer?”
“I’m not you.”
“…”
“I know what answer you wanted when you said let’s break up, but I didn’t say it to be held back.”
He knew clinging was shameless. He’d messed up too much. Only now, with a cooler head, could he think this.
Hadn’t he lost sleep over Yang Juwon for weeks? If he hit his limit again, he’d surely harass him.
Did Yang Juwon already guess? Is that why?
Choi Sungbin stood.
“Alright.”
“…”
“Alright, let’s break up. If that’s what you want, sunbae.”
It was good he slept. If yesterday’s emotions had lingered, he’d have clung, crying he didn’t want to break up. He forgot how tiring that is.
He didn’t know what to do. Could he live without this man?
But he’d lived before. It was just a few months. He got too dependent. He could go back.
Choi Sungbin headed to the door without hesitation. While putting on his shoes, a voice came from behind.
“Choi Sungbin.”
He turned, trying to act fine. Yang Juwon held a phone.
“I’ll give this back. Want to wait while I take out the SIM?”
“No. I won’t wait.”
“Oh…”
“I bought that for you, sunbae. I don’t want it back. I’d throw it out anyway, so use it. Or throw it out if you want.”
Yang Juwon fiddled with the phone. Choi Sungbin looked at his hand holding it. Yesterday, he held that hand and cried.
Saying he didn’t want to break up. No, no… All he could say was no, sobbing.
Was I really crazy? He touched his cheek. The faint scab held last night’s memories.
He turned again. He stared at the old door with delivery coupons. Let’s stop. Let’s go home.
He came without thinking, but he’d move on soon. Staying here too long would lead to yesterday’s mess again.
“I’m going. See you at school.”
He turned the doorknob, ignoring Yang Juwon’s silence, and stepped out. Summer was fading, the heat less intense.
Outside, Choi Sungbin gripped the corridor’s safety bar. He forced his eyes to stay steady. After calming his breath, he walked back the way he came.
📝
Sometimes I think this. Was I too dependent on Yang Juwon? It was just a few months, yet I leaned on him like a lifetime.
That’s why I crumbled faster when things got shaky.
Choi Sungbin lay on the sofa, staring at the house. It never felt small when they lived together, but today it felt vast.
The sofa was nice. Lying there, he could easily spot Yang Juwon bustling around.
I shouldn’t have brought him here.
Traces of Yang Juwon were everywhere. Even with his stuff gone, the traces remained. Were clothes the only traces?
The sofa where they watched TV, the bed they slept in, the nights spent talking, the table where they ate together…
Even if they’d traveled the world, he shouldn’t have brought him here. No matter how he thought about it.
“Ha…”
He sighed and closed his eyes.
In the end, everyone breaks up.
He understood what Yang Juwon meant. Stay busy. Staying home, doing nothing, made the emptiness stand out.
There was warmth. Until yesterday, there was. But now, it felt like nothing was left.
Choi Sungbin swallowed the void, exhaling bitterly. Thoughts piled up, making it hard to breathe.
How did Yang Juwon endure? Even in harsh times, he was always calm. He got angry and cried when he couldn’t take it, but usually, he bore it alone.
And now, that burden was all his.
He wanted to go back to before meeting Yang Juwon. Just live lightly. Dating casually, with no expectations, was so much better.
He must’ve expected too much from that man. That’s why it hurts more.
Rubbing his face with dry hands, he sat up. Ugh, I don’t want to think. He wanted to drown in alcohol, though it didn’t suit him.