UPLB Ch 33
by soapaThe light turned red. The car stopped.
“Sunbae.”
“Yes.”
“Why did you break up with me?”
“I told you. You seemed too stressed.”
“Why was it right before the semester started?”
This was what he really wanted to ask.
“It had nothing to do with the timing.”
“But it just happened to be right before the semester.”
“……”
“Okay.”
He concluded the conversation. He did not know what answer he was hoping for when he asked. After that, they did not have any particular conversation.
Choi Sungbin thought it was a relief. That Yang Juwon did not say anything. He wanted to hear the excuses he would make, but he thought he would get angry again. He just wanted to go without thinking. Although it would not be easy.
He continued to drive in silence and stopped the car in front of his house. Choi Sungbin looked at him without turning off the engine. It meant he should get out. Yang Juwon remained still in his seat.
“What are you doing, not getting out?”
“Let’s talk. I’ll tell you everything. From beginning to end.”
“What changes if you tell me?”
“……”
“Nothing changes at all.”
Yang Juwon hesitated. Ha, with a sigh, Choi Sungbin finally turned off the engine.
“Do you want to go into your place, sunbae?”
“No, my place is a bit……”
Choi Sungbin gave a short laugh. So he doesn’t want me to go into his house in a situation like this. So we’ve really broken up now. He nodded his head.
“Talk. Right here.”
“When Yeongnan said let’s break up, she said your name. Yeongnan is usually a very calm person, so it was the first time I’d seen her like something so much, and I became curious.”
“……”
“About what kind of person you are. You stood out right away. So I kept watching you. And then.”
Anyone would think they were filming a poignant romance movie. So the drama was on this side.
Choi Sungbin rolled his lips and sneered. He did not know how to believe this either. It could be a lie.
“And then I came to like you.”
He wanted to retort that it was a plausible excuse, but his jaw tightened. Choi Sungbin only looked straight ahead. He did not want to look at him.
“How can I believe that? If you were me, could you trust yourself right now?”
Yang Juwon lowered his head. He did not want to argue with him. What’s the point, we’ve already broken up. What’s the use of revealing that he’s hurt? It would only become a weakness and a flaw. Even though he had already shown all his cards to him.
Choi Sungbin soothed his heart by restlessly tormenting his lips. I have to endure it. I have to endure it. He made a promise to himself, but the words that had been boiling inside finally burst out.
“Why did you meet her this summer? I don’t even know when it was. Weren’t we always together? Did you make time to meet her? Ah……, was it that day you said you were going to meet a friend? The days you were out of reach? Then was I at home like an idiot, waiting for you while you were meeting your ex-girlfriend?”
Choi Sungbin looked down at his wrist. The tacky bracelet with a star on it, still on his wrist, was an eyesore.
It’s all because of this. This is why I’ve become like this.
“Are you not going to answer me? You said you wanted to talk. Are you just holding on to me to make excuses? Then what do I do? Should I just listen? I’ll do as you wish.”
Choi Sungbin let out a hollow laugh. He could not figure out what was going on.
He could just think of it as stepping in shit. It was something he could just think of that way and move on. He was clearly aware of it in his head, but a person’s heart did not go the way one wanted.
“I’ll ask you one more thing. You timed it on purpose, didn’t you? Before the semester started? Is that why you’ve been acting annoyed for a while? Are you two going to get back together now? Since the semester has started? Campus couple? You must really want to be in a campus couple, sunbae.”
“No. It’s not like that. I met her during summer break because Yeongnan said she had something to talk about. I was worried she might know that you and I were seeing each other.”
This excuse was not good. Even a young child would not believe such an excuse.
“Why is that sunbae still chasing after me? Isn’t she an idiot? Think about it. Do you know how many years ago that was?”
“My thinking was short-sighted. I’m sorry.”
“Is that really why you went out?”
“Yeah. We really just had a meal and parted ways.”
“But you were out of reach that day. Weren’t you two all over each other?”
His insides were boiling. It was infuriating enough for him to hang out with a friend, but to think it was an ex-girlfriend. While his boyfriend was watching him with wide eyes. And they were even living together.
“Please. Don’t think strange things. Nothing like that happened.”
“Then you shouldn’t have created a situation that would make me think strange things in the first place. You met your ex-girlfriend that day, and you were out of reach. That’s all true. After all this, what more is there to talk about?”
“I did that because I was worried you would ask this and that if we kept in touch. Everything I’ve said right now is the truth. Please believe me.”
“No? Everything you say is an excuse, sunbae. You could have done it all. Weren’t you really uncomfortable with that sunbae? Then you would have told me. What were you thinking when I was making a fuss about the ex-girlfriend issue? Couldn’t you have said something then? Did you know this?”
Yang Juwon asked with his eyes instead of answering. Strangely, Choi Sungbin kept laughing. Ha, he let out a short laugh and continued.
“You couldn’t have not known. I love you, sunbae. I can’t stand it because I like you so much. Just as you said, I chase you around all day asking you to love me like I have an affection deficiency. To love me just a little more. That’s why I get annoyed, get angry, complain, and to get confirmation, fuck, I do all sorts of strange things, and I grin like an idiot with just a little kindness. Did you not know, or did you know?”
“……I could feel it.”
So he could feel it. Choi Sungbin nodded his head.
“You must have had fun then. The bastard who cheated on you with your ex-girlfriend was chasing after you because he liked you. Was it refreshing? Did you like it? Was that why you did it?”
“Sungbin-ah, please. It might sound like an excuse, but it’s all true.”
Yang Juwon pleaded desperately. If they were dating, he would have wanted to believe all his words. But not now.
“But. Why are you making excuses?”
“……”
“You said you wanted to break up anyway. So we broke up. But why are you making excuses? It’s over between us anyway. You don’t want to be left as a bad person? Is that why?”
Is this the conversation Yang Juwon wanted to have? In the end, it was just him pushing things on his own again.
It seemed hopeless. This was the kind of person he was. If he lived his whole life like this, it would be a relief if he did not get stabbed and die somewhere.
There were people who did not deserve to be loved. That was him. That must be why things turned out this way.
“I don’t want to be left as a bad person either. So I’ll tell you. What I was going to say to you, sunbae, was that I’m sorry for acting like trash while we were dating. I was sorry for ordering you around when I wasn’t interested in you. I’m sorry for being mean even though I knew you liked me. That’s what I was going to say. That I was sorry.”
“……”
“Then that’s it, for both of us. It’s over for both of us.”
Choi Sungbin opened the car door and got out. It was still hot even though it was evening. The humid air made the unpleasantness rise even more. But he had no intention of taking out his anger.
He calmly walked around the car and opened the passenger door himself.
“Get out.”
Yang Juwon, who had been staring straight ahead, pressed his lips together. Then, with a detached expression, he lowered his head. Choi Sungbin watched him silently.
Seeing his shoulders droop from his neck, he seemed to have lost some weight. But he was a man who took care of his own meals, so he did not have to worry as much. His jaw tightened.
He nagged me so much.
He was just frustrated with all of this.
Yang Juwon finally got out of the car. He winced slightly at the pain pooled in his ankle. Choi Sungbin moved aside to make it easier for him to get out. Yang Juwon limped away on his sprained left leg.
Choi Sungbin fiddled with the bracelet on his wrist. Then he turned his palm over and unfastened the clasp. He took off the bracelet from his wrist and clenched it in his hand. The corners of the star-shaped ornament pressed into his palm, stinging.
It was something he only had to endure for a moment.
“Sunbae.”
When he called out to the man, he stopped in his tracks and slowly turned around. Choi Sungbin walked up to the man. He took his hand and placed the bracelet on his palm.
“Take it.”
Only then did Yang Juwon’s eyes tremble violently. Choi Sungbin tried hard to avoid his gaze.
For a moment, he almost hugged the man. He almost thought that everything was okay.
It was not Yang Juwon’s problem, but his own. The situation had become like this all because of him. If he had not met Yeongnan, if he had not ignored others’ feelings, if he had not taken any relationship lightly.
Perhaps he could have loved Yang Juwon a little more lightly. He could have had a normal relationship that did not make a person weary and tired.
It’s because I lived wrong. There are people who are born to hurt others. That was me. No matter how I lived, I would have hurt someone. It seems right to end it here. If so, Yang Juwon would no longer be hurt because of me.
Choi Sungbin took a step back. Ha, a breath escaped him without him realizing. He tried to look away.
“I’ll be going now.”
He finally turned and walked away. If he stayed any longer, he felt like he would cling to him. Not even knowing my place.
Choi Sungbin quickened his pace and got into the car. Then, without another look, he started the engine and drove out of the alley.
“……”
The car left the alley without a single trace of lingering attachment. Yang Juwon stood blankly, staring at the end of the alley. It did not come back. This was really the end now.
He bit his lip. He lifted his heavy feet.
Limp, limp……. Even though it was just a sprained ligament, there was pain. It was a relief that the ankle brace was supporting his ankle; if not for that, he would not have been able to walk properly.
Normally, he would not have even gone to the hospital for something like this. But seeing Choi Sungbin, who had turned pale and knelt down as soon as he fell, he could not refuse.
He cried the whole way while carrying me to the parking lot.
Occasional sobs could be heard, and his back vibrated slightly. But once in the driver’s seat, he drove flawlessly as if he had never cried. He was only pretending not to have cried. The corners of his eyes were reddish, and there was moisture at the tips of his eyelashes.
Also, on the way to the hospital, he kept twitching the corners of his mouth, swallowing his tears.
It seemed he did not know that crying would make him look less pitiful.
Yang Juwon grabbed the stair railing. He climbed up one step at a time at a slow pace. He frowned from time to time.
Will it continue to hurt for a while? He tried to endure the pain. Something heavier than the pain was holding his ankle.
All the words that Choi Sungbin had poured out were stuck in his mind. As he had said, I was the one who broke up with him first. I even told him I had nothing to say when he wanted to talk, but after Yeongnan’s sudden appearance, I begged him, saying I would tell him everything.
Did I want to remain a good person? At the point of saying goodbye, it all became irrelevant.
Everything he said was right. There were plenty of opportunities. The reason I did not say anything was…….
I just did not want to say it. I wanted to hide it. I did not want to create discord unnecessarily. But if it was going to be found out so 허무하게, it would have been better to just say it.
Is it useless to regret it now? Choi Sungbin must be completely fed up with me by now.
Yang Juwon puffed out his cheeks. He stood in front of his house. His ankle was throbbing.
“……”
He opened the door and entered the house. He stood in the entryway and looked around at the mess. He let out a small, hollow laugh of despair.
After acting so high and mighty. He had nagged Choi Sungbin about everything, but his own house was a mess. He could not bring Choi Sungbin into the house. He could not show him the state his house was in.
After he left, he had not organized his clothes at all. Soju bottles were lying around carelessly, a few snacks he had barely eaten, hangover cures he had taken every morning while clutching his sore stomach. A water bottle that was not even properly closed. The house was like a single garbage can.
How could he have found his phone in a situation like this? Just today, he could not even go to class because he was not sober.
Entering the house, he rummaged through the clothes carelessly and took out his phone. He sat down, leaning his body against the corner of the room.
He stretched out his legs and wiggled his feet. When he pulled his foot inward, the outside of his ankle hurt.
With his legs dangling, he checked his phone.
Where are you?
One message and one missed call.
If they were dating, there would be an incomparable number of messages. He felt strange.
It was true that he was tired. There were definitely days when he was exhausted by his behavior of constantly seeking confirmation. It was not easy to match his ever-fluctuating heart.
But seeing that there was nothing left like this, it was much better back then. His body was more comfortable now, but the severed feeling in his heart remained as a deep emptiness. This must be why he could not do anything and was just blankly drinking.
Wasn’t the saying that things would get better with time something I should have told myself, not Choi Sungbin? The image of him crying kept coming to mind and tormenting me. It must be natural. I endured everything because I liked him so much, so how could everything be okay just because we broke up?
Yang Juwon looked down at the bracelet in his hand. The trinket sparkled in the darkness.
Does giving me this mean that it’s really over now?
He soon put it on his wrist. He raised his hand in the darkness. Surprisingly, Choi Sungbin had never taken off the bracelet from his wrist even once. When did he ever complain that it was tacky, he was always with it.
It was a bracelet he had given him as a birthday present. To be honest, the birthday itself was not very peaceful either. He had rushed to prepare it because of his sudden nagging about it being his birthday. He did not even know how time had passed, and even when they went home, Choi Sungbin’s lips were pouted out.
In the end, it was satisfactory.
Under the countless stars spread across the sky, Choi Sungbin smiled with the bracelet on. Seeing him smile made me happy, so I smiled along with him. I thought that I wanted him to keep smiling.
I want to go back to that day again.
At least, he wanted to go back to the day he went to his parents’ house. Then he would not have let him go like this.
Yang Juwon crawled on the floor. He took out a bottle of soju from the refrigerator and sat down. He pulled the table over and turned on the laptop that was on it. Whirring— the slow booting began with a sound.
To change his schedule, he went to the portal and looked through the classes that fit his schedule. But there was not much to gain. There was nothing worth taking, and nothing he wanted to take. Because Choi Sungbin had 맞춰 it all for me.
He said he would do as he pleased, but he had scheduled liberal arts classes that were not far from the department building, in line with my major. Saying things like, Let’s eat during this free time. or You’ll be comfortable, sunbae, because there are no group projects.
Thinking about it now, it seems like he had matched everything to me.
Still, the nagging did not stop, so when I kept pushing the snacks I was given one or two at a time, he finally got annoyed.
‘Do you think you can solve everything by just shutting my mouth?’
For a moment, his heart surged with emotion.
It was not always enjoyable. But there were definitely happy days. Just that there were days like this.
Days that were not always hard, not always enjoyable. In fact, was this itself a normal relationship?
“Haha……”
Yang Juwon, who had been laughing softly, finally composed his expression. I think of Choi Sungbin even with such a small thing. What breakup.
In the end, he reached for the soju bottle. Kkak, he twisted the cap open. He took a water glass that was lying carelessly on the floor and filled it with soju.
He just gulped down the alcohol without any side dishes. He was drinking to be thoughtless anyway, so he did not need any side dishes.
📝
Choi Sungbin was calm. He did not drive rough and arrived home, adhering to the speed limit so as not to interfere with the flow of traffic.
Upon returning home, he went straight to the bathroom and took a shower. After washing his body with warm water, he came out, put on some clothes casually, and sat down on a dining chair.
“……”
Everything was sorted out. There were no lies in Yeongnan’s words, and Yang Juwon also admitted it. They had been in a relationship, they had broken up because of me, and a few years after that, while Yang Juwon was dating me, he had met Yeongnan for a meal, and they had broken up not long after.
It was not right to blame Yang Juwon or Yeongnan. In the first place, if I had not played games with Yeongnan, if I had left the well-matched couple alone, the aftermath would not have come back to me.
In the end, it was my fault. I met Yeongnan, and I met Yang Juwon, and that’s why everything turned out this way.
I shouldn’t have gotten angry. I shouldn’t have pushed him.
Thinking like that, he felt pathetic for pouring out harsh words at Yang Juwon in the car. Although he did not do that at the end, still.
‘Everything is so troublesome now…….’
It was close to giving up. It was literally true. Who was he to talk about love or relationships? In the end, didn’t it all end with just suspicion?
How much can I tolerate, how much can you like me? This was the result of pushing him to the limit.
Choi Sungbin had reached his limit. He always knew, but he was once again reminded that he was a person who could not be loved, that he could not accept feelings as they were and would push everyone away with suspicion and caution.
What was the problem in the first place? When he thought about it, everything Yang Juwon had said was right. There was no need to be angry. Water was leaking from the cracked vase, soaking the surroundings and causing a nuisance. As they say, only those who have received love know how to give it.
He lowered his gaze to his wrist, where nothing was left. It felt empty without the bracelet that had always been a nuisance.
It was hard to be so haggard just because of love. But it could not be helped. Since it was the first time he had felt it, the emptiness and helplessness surged twofold.
Choi Sungbin finally got up.
Everything is just troublesome. He did not even want to think. In the end, the more he thought, the more he was digging his own grave.
He opened the shelf in the dressing room for the first time in a while. A palm-sized box was stacked there. It was a sleep aid. He used to take it occasionally, but he had forgotten about it after meeting Yang Juwon.
He did not like it much because it made him feel dazed and out of it all day, but he would rather forget everything with sleep.
Let’s just sleep. He wanted to sleep as deeply as possible. Because when he woke up, he would just be thinking again. If possible, deeply. For several days and nights, without doing anything.
Would it be a good dream or a bad dream if Yang Juwon appeared?
📝
In the end, Yang Juwon could not change his schedule. The excuse was that there were no subjects worth taking, but it was because of lingering attachment.
I just want to watch, I just want to be by your side, were all ridiculous words of rationalization, but he understood. In fact, it should have been that way from the beginning.
He could have just stayed far away without getting close. He had disturbed him while he was living well, and instead made things difficult for him.
Expressing his feelings was a difficult task for him. It was understandable that Choi Sungbin would find it frustrating.
Even if he had something to say, he tended to hold it in. If he felt good, he was good; if he felt bad, he was bad. He tended to suppress it because he did not want to fight, and in fact, there were plenty of opportunities to talk about Yeongnan. But he must have endured it because he just did not want to create anger.
If he had one more chance, could he tell him everything?
Or perhaps, am I making excuses to seize an opportunity?
“……”
Yang Juwon looked around the bustling lecture hall filled with students. Since it was an orientation, the atmosphere was more lively than usual. Amidst the students talking about assignments, majors, and whether they had made a good schedule or not, Yang Juwon searched for Choi Sungbin.
Choi Sungbin would not have changed his schedule. Since I had declared that I would change mine, there would have been no need for him to change his.
He let out a long breath, concealing his nervousness. He glanced at the door he would come through several times. Even if he came in, he would not come near him.
But in the end, he never came.
He did not show up even while the professor was explaining about the lecture. He kept looking around, wondering if he had just missed him, but the more he did so, the more certain it became that he had not come, rather than that he had not found him.
Choi Sungbin was not the type to be buried in a crowd. He did not dress flashily, but his head always stuck out, and his uniquely dark black hair was impossible to miss.
‘Why didn’t he come?’
Did he change his schedule? Originally, Choi Sungbin had a required major class at this time, but he dropped one subject to match his schedule with mine. Did he go to his major class since it was all over anyway?
Was this how Choi Sungbin felt yesterday, waiting for me in the lecture hall? For some reason, his thoughts became complicated. In the end, Yang Juwon sent a message.
Even this was the same as Choi Sungbin yesterday.
Where are you?
And yet you talk about breaking up, about it being the end.
He was more annoyed with himself than feeling empty. There were definitely times when Choi Sungbin was troublesome and annoying, but he was worried when he was not around. He was a handful. He was very lonely and did not like being alone.
Yang Juwon waited with his arms crossed after sending the message. He waited for the reply he would send. But he did not send a reply. It was the same even after he finished all his afternoon classes.
He knew it was just a message, but Yang Juwon felt that something was wrong. Choi Sungbin was not that kind of person.
How could he not know after spending several months with him? When he was alone, he always kept his phone close. They exchanged messages at short intervals, and he was also not someone who skipped classes. Even if he was late, there was no way he would not show up for the afternoon class.
He was always above average. He had a history with women, but other than that, he did not engage in any conspicuous behavior. That must be why he was not disliked by others despite the various rumors.
Could a person like that skip all his classes without a single contact?
I have to go see him. To his house.
“……”
Why did I act so harshly when I know so much about Choi Sungbin? Knowing better than anyone that he is very lonely, but has nowhere to go and no one to meet.
Did I actually know all along? That I was all he had. Is that why I acted so confident?
No. Now is not the time to argue about every little thing. Right now, I just had to go see Choi Sungbin. He was worried about him.
‘What am I going to do when I go see him?’
Yang Juwon asked himself a question. Just to check on his condition? Knowing better than anyone that he could not do that.
He stopped blankly in the building lobby where students were passing by. If he went to see him, they might fight again. Hadn’t they been fighting every time they met recently?
Choi Sungbin would get annoyed and then cry. He would cry, not because he could not control his temper, but while pouring out his resentment towards me. He cried so painfully. With bloodshot eyes, he would shed large teardrops, his breath catching in an offbeat rhythm as he clutched his chest. It was overwhelming just to watch.
Wouldn’t going to see him just make things harder for him?
I wish Choi Sungbin would stop crying. I wish he would stop suffering.
‘What was the cause of all this in the first place?’
He remembered him crying, telling him not to act annoyed or tired of him.
Yang Juwon thought he knew. It started from the week he had tried to stop him from going to his parents’ house, forcing him to choose between his family and me.
He was angry, but he could not say it to him properly. He had let it slide, but the dissatisfaction must have grown inside him.
I was different from Choi Sungbin. Unlike him, who revealed all his emotions, I was not the expressive type. I just bottled it up inside. Even then, compared to how angry I was, I could not say it to him properly and let it pass.
When people from different backgrounds and with different values meet, it is impossible for everything to fit perfectly.
Choi Sungbin would whine like a child, get annoyed if he did not like something, get angry, complain, and then smile again, be happy……. Could I live on, forgetting all the emotions he had given me?
When he first told him they should break up, he definitely thought he could. Because he knew better than anyone that time is the best medicine. But now, he did not know.
Just. I don’t know anything. Right now, I’m just worried about Choi Sungbin, and actually…… I missed him.
Tap……, at the cautious touch on his back, Yang Juwon turned his head.
“What are you doing. Here?”
It was Yeongnan. It was surprising to run into her in the lecture building where he had taken a liberal arts class. Would he keep seeing her in the future? He had seen her yesterday, and now he was seeing her again today.
“Ah……”
He could not react properly. It was not a very good situation to run into Yeongnan right now.
Yeongnan spoke first.
“Did you go to class?”
“Yes. You?”
“I had a major class. This is the business school building. The one I transferred to.”
“Ah.”
Yang Juwon gave a short reply. Yeongnan looked up and made eye contact with him. A small frame and gentle eyes. Her gaze, which he had always thought was meaningful, was no different from that of the passing students.
It was guilt. Actually, it was not that I was being swayed, but that I wanted it to be that way.
‘Why is that sunbae still chasing after me? Isn’t she an idiot? Think about it. Do you know how many years ago that was?’
What Choi Sungbin had said was right. It was just my guilt. Realizing that, everything became empty. Yeongnan must have had a hard time too, but she had endured it all.
It was me who was still seeing her that way. Since I was still a bundle of lingering feelings, I naturally assumed Yeongnan would be the same.
“What time does your class end today? I have one more class, do you want to have dinner after? I don’t have anyone to eat with.”
What was I so afraid of that I hid Yeongnan?
Thinking about it now, that is how it is. As Choi Sungbin said, it was something from years ago. Yeongnan had recovered and returned to school, and her parents, who had watched her from the closest distance, must have felt that she was okay, so they let her live alone in Seoul.
Even that, he had no thoughts about it now. The priority was whether or not to go to Choi Sungbin’s house.
It was better to just confront it rather than hesitating with indecision or worry. Wasn’t that how his relationship with Choi Sungbin had started?
It was the same for Choi Sungbin. He no longer sparkled like a star. He got annoyed, got angry, and cried when he was upset. How many people could see that side of him?
Choi Sungbin had given him everything. But I had given up on him just because I was tired.
He still wanted to love him more. He wanted to be swayed endlessly by Choi Sungbin. He wanted to start over. Honestly, I know about Choi Sungbin now. When he struggles, and how he gets over it.
Yang Juwon smiled cautiously.
“Yeongnan-ah.”
“Yes.”
“I don’t think I can today.”
“Ah, really?”
“I’ll contact you later. You must have things you want to hear, too. I’ll tell you everything then.”
Yeongnan seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then replied with a, Yes. Yang Juwon smiled at her and turned away.
His pace gradually quickened. There was pain in his ankle, but it was bearable. It did not even bother him. For now, the priority was to go to him.
It was not rush hour yet, so it seemed better to go when there was less traffic.
He ran outside and hailed a taxi. It was only about a ten-minute walk from the subway station to his house, but he felt an urgent rush in his heart.
📝
Beep—, he pressed the doorbell. He knew the password, but he could not just enter the house unannounced.
There was no response from beyond the door. Yang Juwon hesitated for a moment, then made a call. Ring, ring, the ringing tone just continued monotonously.
He paced in front of the door, holding his phone. He pressed the doorbell one more time. Beep—. It was the same as before.
“Hmm.”
With a long sigh, Yang Juwon finally punched in the password. Soon, with a short mechanical sound, the door opened.
It seemed to be almost two weeks since he had come to his house. It was not unfamiliar, but…… he did not know. It was a house he used to frequent every day, but it definitely felt strange to come after a long time.
He held his breath as soon as he stepped inside. It seemed like dust had settled. Yang Juwon frowned. It was a different atmosphere from his own house.
The already small house of mine was already like a junkyard with all sorts of things lying around. As I kept pouring down only alcohol, soju bottles were rolling carelessly on the floor.
But his house, except for the clothes laid out on the sofa, had nothing out. It felt as if there was no sign of life. The curtains were drawn, making it difficult to distinguish between day and night. There was not even a sign of presence, so he could not even tell if he was in this house.
Still, it was not this bad when we were living together.
Yang Juwon familiarly turned on the kitchen light. Only then could he see in front of him. As he looked around to grasp the situation, he discovered a small box placed on the dining table. There were two identical boxes.
Cold medicine?
One was already opened. He approached to check. In the container with nothing left, he felt puzzled and picked up the box. Did he catch a cold? He read the letters.
It was a medicine name he had never heard of before, but the word “insomnia” clearly caught his eye.
Sleeping pills?
He headed to the bedroom without a sound. Beyond the sliding door, the duvet on the bed was bulging out.
Yang Juwon opened the door and entered the bedroom. He saw Choi Sungbin sleeping, wrapped up in the duvet. He approached slowly, without making a single footstep.
He bent down and carefully placed his hand on him. Whether he had fallen asleep after taking medicine, the man who would normally have woken up long ago was quiet today. He must have missed school because he was sleeping.
He knew that Choi Sungbin suffered from insomnia, but he did not know that he relied on medicine. So this is how he spent his nights alone.
In the end, Yang Juwon did not wake him. Instead, he cleaned his house. He gathered the clothes and put them in the laundry basket, and at least in the living room, he drew the curtains to let the sunlight in. Instead of opening the window, he turned on the air circulator installed in the house.
By the time he finished cleaning the house, it was already evening. He thought there would not be much to clean, but it was surprisingly messy. Wondering if he had eaten anything, he opened the refrigerator door.
“……”
The side dishes I had brought from my parents’ house were still there. They were in the same arrangement as when I had left them, untouched. He took out the containers and checked the contents.
He frowned as soon as he opened the lid. The food had not decreased, but a whitish mold had bloomed in places.
He hated eating alone, too. He was a man who did not take care of his meals properly without me.
Choi Sungbin had told him not to pity him, but anyone who kept him by their side would surely feel sorry for him. He lived with high walls, but he could not do anything alone. He was very lonely.
He was like a rose living on a distant star.
A rose with its thorns up, wanting to be held in my arms.
The person who was by the rose’s side left for the rose’s sake. Because being together made them both suffer. Perhaps a healthy breakup is the right thing to do. It was easier for both of them to let go of the rope than to have a difficult tug-of-war.
Perhaps now was the last chance. The fights would repeat themselves, and they would only hurt each other.
Yang Juwon looked down at the star-shaped bracelet on his wrist.
‘A man on a star.’
It will definitely be hard and painful. Not every moment could be happy. There might come a day when he regrets today. Still.
For now, he decided to choose the present.
Foolishly, he still liked Choi Sungbin. His heart had not changed since the first moment he saw him. Even though he was tired, even though it was hard, it was he who had chosen to stay by his side.
He put all the side dishes he had brought from his parents’ house into one bag. And he threw them away with the garbage he had collected, and on his way, he also got some porridge to go. Choi Sungbin still did not wake up.
He lay curled up in bed, still and quiet like a dead person.
Yang Juwon approached him.
“Choi Sungbin, wake up.”
Choi Sungbin seemed to hear the sound and twitched his eyes. But he could not wake up. Yang Juwon called a few more times, and only then did the man, who was buried deep in the duvet, slowly open his eyes.
“……”
Choi Sungbin did not say anything and slowly closed and opened his eyes. His eyes, which were always full of life, were hollow. Yang Juwon stroked his hair.
His glossy hair was unusually dry today.
When he thought about it, it was like this on the day he broke up with him, too. It was a repetition. After waking him up while he was sleeping, a fight had ensued while trying to get him to eat, and it had eventually led to a breakup.
“Wake up and eat.”
He suggested to Choi Sungbin, who was weakly opening his eyes, drunk with sleep.
He showed an unexpected reaction. I thought he would be surprised or ask why I was here, but he just watched me for a moment and then closed his eyes again. He squeezed his eyes shut until his brow furrowed and remained as quiet as a mouse.
Yang Juwon was puzzled by the unexpected behavior. Why is he suddenly like this?
“Are you not going to get up?”
“……I want to sleep more.”
Choi Sungbin mumbled in a low, cracked voice.
“Then should I wait?”
“Rest. You must be tired from visiting your parents’ house…….”
“My parents’ house?”
“Yes…….”
Ah. Yang Juwon realized the reason for his behavior. Because of the medicine, it seemed he had no stimulus to recognize that this was reality. He seemed to be mistaking it for a part of a dream or for that day they had broken up.
He doesn’t seem fully awake yet, should I just let him sleep?
Yang Juwon came to a conclusion amidst his hesitation. For now, it seemed right to let him sleep a little longer. If he had taken medicine to sleep, how desperate must he have been?
I’ll wait outside until he wakes up. He was about to take a step.
His shirt was pulled. Yang Juwon glanced down. Choi Sungbin was holding the hem of his T-shirt.
A low voice broke the silence.
“……Stay by my side. Watch me sleep.”
“……”
“Touch my cheek and tell me to sleep well.”
The greeting he had always given, but had stopped at some point.
His chest felt heavy. Choi Sungbin was really asking for something trivial. Just as he had things pent up against him, he too must have had things he could not say.
In the end, Yang Juwon lay down next to him. The man, who was buried in the duvet, turned to look at him. He was still groggy and drunk with sleep.
Yang Juwon placed his hand on his cheek. He touched him gently, as if afraid to wake him. He brushed back his dry hair and carefully caressed his cheek. Choi Sungbin closed his eyes and quietly accepted the touch.
It felt strange. Would it have been a little less painful if he had done this earlier? Would it have been better to fight once and then soothe him?
Watching him sleep, unable to distinguish between dream and reality, made him think about many things. He carefully placed his lips on his. And he whispered in a small voice.
“……Sleep well.”
He sincerely hoped that he could sleep deeply.
There were several reasons why Choi Sungbin disliked the medicine. First, he hated the feeling of building a tolerance, and once he fell asleep after taking the medicine, he kept looking for it.
Since it was a drug that did not require a prescription, he bought it whenever he needed it. When he took it often, it was a little scary. Because he did not want anything bad to happen.
He did not know about sleeping pills since he had never taken them, but the sleep aid made him feel terrible the next day. His body felt heavy and he was dazed all day. Who would like this feeling?
And he dreams too often. He did not know the reason, whether it was because he continued to be in a light sleep or because he was waking up, but many dreams were entangled.
Usually, they are not good dreams. He would see scenes from his childhood that he did not want to remember.
Haaah, he let out a shallow breath and lifted his eyelids. The dark interior slowly filled his blurry vision.
He wanted to fall asleep without a single thought, but he had dreamt of Yang Juwon.
The day they broke up was repeated, and when he came to his senses, he was at his parents’ house. The family was gathered around, laughing loudly, but I was sitting blankly on the sofa.
Then again, before he knew it, he was at his studio apartment, or a hotel, sometimes a bathroom, a library, the convenience store where Yang Juwon spent his weekends all night. The space was constantly changing.
This is the worst. Sleep aids are really not good.
Choi Sungbin closed and opened his eyes deeply.
His body still felt heavy. This is why I hate sleep aids. It felt like I was becoming an idiot. To overcome a brief bout of insomnia, I ended up spending a more arduous time. My mind was blank.
Blink, blink……, he stared at the ceiling, then turned his body to lie on his side. The eyes that had been faintly open were now wide open in an instant.
His Adam’s apple bobbed. He soothed his parched mouth. He moved his body back without realizing it. He clenched the duvet tightly.
‘Is this still a dream?’
It was definitely a dream. Otherwise, there would be no reason for Yang Juwon to be next to him.
Choi Sungbin could not react and just stared at him blankly.
Strange. This was the first time he had had such a peaceful dream. After taking the medicine and falling asleep, he would either keep fighting with Yang Juwon, or he would get angry and hurt Yang Juwon, or he would hear the laughter of his family members repeatedly, or else, only the situation of the day they broke up would keep repeating.
So a situation like this was unrealistic, even if it was a dream.
Choi Sungbin brought his trembling fingertips to the man. He could not actually touch him and only brought them as close as possible in the air.
He traced the shape of his nose from his rugged eyebrows. He brought his hand over the lips that were breathing faintly, but then he hesitated. It was difficult to touch him.