UPLB Ch 6

‘I’m going. I’ll call you.’

With that half-hearted voice, Yang Juwon left the hotel. He ended up walking, considering the taxi fare a waste. It would probably take an hour on foot, or maybe even longer. It might be better to walk for a bit and then catch the first bus.

Yang Juwon turned his head in front of the hotel. He let his gaze travel up, scanning the towering building.

He was dating Choi Sungbin. A relationship. His begging, his pleading to just date him once, swallowing his pride, had finally succeeded.

“……”

But his expression was not exactly happy. If anything, his shoulders slumped as he walked away listlessly, his face more melancholic than usual.

Was this what he wanted? To get into a relationship by begging so wretchedly for it.

How did things end up like this? Yang Juwon finally lifted the head he had let drop. How did it come to this? He rubbed his upper arm and took another shabby step.

This is revenge. Pathetic revenge.

He muttered the word “revenge” quietly. Revenge for what? Even he did not know.

📝

“Juwon.”

In the corner seat of a cafe, Yang Juwon, who was sunk deep into his chair and staring at an old laptop, raised his head.

Even after becoming a university student, he had no interest in dressing up and survived day by day in a hoodie sold by the school. It was the only piece of clothing he bought regularly, as it would fade after being worn for a year straight.

“Sorry. Did you wait long?”

Youngnan pulled out the chair across from him and sat down. Youngnan was the girlfriend Yang Juwon had been dating for six months, and his first relationship. She had confessed that she had liked him for a long time, so they started dating as soon as he was discharged from the military.

Her looks were not exceptionally pretty or glamorous, but she had a kind personality and was someone he could learn a lot from. The moment she started to change, the moment he noticed it, was a month ago at most, after the freshman welcoming party.

She was like someone who had newly fallen in love. Her hair, which had only ever known a comb, was now straight-permed. Her face, which had been so bare it was a stretch to say she wore makeup with only sunscreen on, had started to be dolled up with things like eyelash extensions. It had been a long time since he had seen her bare face.

Should I get double eyelid surgery? When she suddenly asked one day and he replied, “Why would you do that?” she mumbled her answer. No, just… you know.

Her refrigerator, which used to be full of ingredients because she insisted that delivery food and eating out were too expensive and cooked herself, was now empty save for a few bottles of water. Even when he bought her food or brought some over, she would not eat it. With a reluctant face, she would snap, “Don’t you know I’m on a diet? Why are you so inconsiderate?” leaving Yang Juwon with nothing to say.

It would probably be something similar this time. Yang Juwon nodded his head agreeably.

“It’s fine. I didn’t wait long.”

“Ah. That’s a relief. Thanks for waiting, even though I asked to meet so suddenly.”

Despite being a couple, there was always a line between them. Nothing was taken for granted.

Instead of answering, Yang Juwon just stared at her quietly. Wearing red lipstick, she swept her tongue across her lips.

“Juwon.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s just that.”

She was hesitating. Did she have something to say? Lately, everything he heard from her mouth had been so absurd that he was confident he would not be surprised by whatever she said.

Should I get double eyelid surgery? I starved for three days to lose weight. I’m not asking you to buy me food. I said I don’t want to eat. Don’t you think my jawline is a bit square? I hear a lot of people get Botox these days.

While it was an age to be interested in one’s appearance in one’s early twenties, lately she had been talking about her looks to an excessive degree. It’s probably something similar again, he thought.

“Should we stop seeing each other?”

At the unexpected words, Yang Juwon slowly closed and opened his eyes. He then closed his laptop and met her gaze properly. For the past month, his ears had been ringing with her subtle hints about dieting, double eyelid surgery, Botox, or needing some new makeup, but he never imagined the destination of those words would be a breakup.

“Why?”

At twenty-three years old, facing a breakup, Yang Juwon asked for a reason. He was not sad about the breakup. It was not as if they had a fiery love; on the contrary, their relationship, much like their personalities, had been rather dull. But he was genuinely curious about the reason. Curious as to whose fault was greater in this breakup. That was the only reason Yang Juwon asked.

“Actually.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve found someone I like. Um, I’m sorry. We’re in a good relationship. I’m sorry.”

Youngnan must have also known that their relationship lacked any great affection. That must be why she could say it so nonchalantly.

More than a sense of betrayal, he felt relief at having finally understood the reason Youngnan had been out of her mind for a while. And along with it, a faint guess that the other person was probably not a very good person.

“Is it someone I know?”

A reddish blush crept up Youngnan’s cheeks. What kind of person was he, to make the ever-composed Youngnan like this? Did he make her open her eyes to love?

Yang Juwon waited for the words she would offer. If it were a stranger, she would have said so immediately. He tried to recall the people in her circle, but there were not many.

Youngnan, much like Yang Juwon, had a small social circle. She found meeting people uncomfortable and avoided interaction.

“Among the freshmen.”

Freshmen?

“There’s this guy named Choi Sungbin. You’ll probably know him if you see his face. He’s really handsome. He’s taller than you too, Juwon……. He seemed really nice when I talked to him, so……”

“Youngnan.”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure he’s nice? Why……”

Why are you so obsessed with your appearance? As if he’ll leave if you don’t look glamorous on the outside?

It was different from simply dressing neatly because you wanted to look good for someone. That was the Youngnan he had seen for the past month.

One day, she had even said her name was old-fashioned and that she wanted to change it. In the six months they had been together, he had never heard her complain about her name once.

Youngnan was on edge. She probably felt it herself, judging by the way she deliberately hardened her expression.

“Don’t speak so carelessly. I told you he’s the person I like.”

“But we haven’t broken up yet. I’m not saying this because I’m angry. I’m saying it because I don’t understand why you’re acting this way.”

“Is it wrong to want to look good for someone you like? Even if I didn’t act that way in front of you……”

Youngnan bit her lip and shook her head. She seemed to think she had misspoken. Yang Juwon said it was fine. He was not hurt. They were only that much to each other, anyway.

“I’m sorry, Juwon. I didn’t say that because I wanted to fight. We were close friends before we were lovers. It’s just. I wanted to tell you everything.”

“Can I ask one thing?”

Yang Juwon was not the type to enjoy dirty jokes or physical intimacy. Though they had been dating for six months and each lived alone, the number of times they had been intimate was not high. Usually, they did it if Youngnan wanted to.

The motions felt awkward and burdensome. The act of seeking pleasure was also burdensome. Even after being intimate, the light skinship that came under the name of being a couple, still felt uncomfortable even as time passed.

But why. Why did he suddenly want to ask? Why did he suddenly remember the times Youngnan had rushed back to her studio apartment, saying something urgent had come up?

Why did he suddenly recall the heterogeneous moments—the texts they had consistently exchanged, though not particularly affectionate, that would suddenly stop, followed by a message the next morning saying she had gone to bed early, and the unfamiliar shampoo scent that sometimes clung to her?

“Did you, by any chance, sleep with him?”

Youngnan’s composed face turned deathly pale. So a person could be that flustered. Yang Juwon silently took a sip of his coffee. He wrapped his hand around the dewy cup.

He was not sad or angry. They were not in love, after all. Youngnan probably felt the same. That must be why she could so calmly tell her boyfriend of six months that she had found someone else.

“Sungbin can’t live without me.”

Youngnan said something completely out of the blue. Yang Juwon glanced at her expression. With tears welling in her eyes, she was spouting absurdities. The freshmen had been here for a month at most. In that time?

“What do you mean?”

“Exactly what I said. Sungbin has lived a lonely life. He can’t live without me. I’m the only one who can accept him. No one else can.”

Youngnan sometimes said things that were up in the clouds. She dreamed of a passionate love like one from a novel, but reality was different. She would sometimes try to make him jealous to deliberately provoke his anger, but he never got angry. Each time, her expression would turn cold. From a certain day on, she stopped mentioning other men’s names. Even the expectation had vanished. When was that again? Ah. That was also a month ago.

He had no interest in school life, so he had no idea what kind of guy he was. What kind of grand love the two of them were having, it was a world that he, who had lived an ordinary and uneventful life, could not possibly understand.

The six months with Youngnan, his existence as her lover, had become an obstacle to be cleared away.

Yang Juwon slowly nodded his head. He did not know what she was talking about, but it was ridiculous to hold on when she wanted to break up. What kind of great love had they had, anyway?

“If you want to break up, let’s do that. I’ll cheer you on.”

Youngnan smiled brightly. It was like that summer day when she first confessed. That face, shyly confessing her love to him, whose hair was still short from just being discharged from the military.

As if responding to her smile, Juwon raised the corners of his mouth.

📝

“Sungbin!”

A familiar name was heard. Yang Juwon, who had been walking down the street, stopped in his tracks. He subtly turned his head toward the direction the name was called from. A woman with a slender frame was approaching with a bright smile on her face. She was a junior from the public administration department. They had taken a class together, but they did not know each other.

The brief glance soon moved away.

“Choi Sungbin, what are you doing here?”

The woman who had passed by him stood next to a man. Yang Juwon’s eyes followed her steps until they finally landed on the man. He was remarkably tall and slim. He stood out even among a crowd of people. It was hard to tell if it was because of his height or his radiant good looks.

The man was handsome. In a way, he had such outstanding looks that he could have been the visual member of an idol group or an aspiring actor.

The man, who had been expressionless, smiled brightly the moment he faced the woman. The cold aura that had surrounded his face was filled with a warm light. At the warm smile, Yang Juwon momentarily stared blankly at the man.

Choi Sungbin. That was the moment he remembered the man’s name. How much had Youngnan praised him? How his looks were, how his height was, how his personality was……. He could not remember the praises she had listed very well, but one thing came to mind.

‘Sungbin can’t live without me.’

His impression was different from her words, which she had said with tears welling in her eyes. The man Youngnan spoke of was a single flower dangling from a cliff. Trapped in loneliness and solitude, with nowhere to lean on, with nothing to rely on.

But the man he was looking at now seemed like he could live perfectly well on his own. So much so that if he asked for help, countless people would help him without asking for anything in return…….

But.

“Noona, aren’t you going to class?”

“Should I just go hang out with you? I’m hungry—.”

Where was Youngnan? Come to think of it, he had not seen Youngnan for some time. Even though it had been two weeks since they broke up, it was impossible for them not to run into each other, yet he had not seen her once in that time.

Even though she had said Choi Sungbin needed her, she was not by the man’s side.

Yang Juwon tilted his head, but then his eyes met Choi Sungbin’s. He really is handsome. He muttered inwardly and averted his gaze.

The call from Youngnan came that night.

—Juwon…….

She did not enjoy drinking. She said the world seemed to spin after just one bottle of soju. Calling an ex-lover was not out of regret or longing for the breakup.

“I’ll come get you. Where are you?”

Even though he knew this, Yang Juwon went to find Youngnan. Because they were closer to being friends than lovers. Their relationship was only defined as lovers; they were no different from friends.

He knew she had no friends. Her social circle was as narrow as his. It was truly a pity that the only person she could call when drunk, the only person who would listen to her story, was her ex-boyfriend.

When she did not come out even after he rang the doorbell, Yang Juwon ended up entering by pressing the passcode. In the small studio apartment, Youngnan was passed out face down. Two bottles of soju, a cup of instant noodles that had gone cold with oil floating on top, and a bag of chips with only a few eaten were laid out in front of her.

“Youngnan, wake up. Lie down properly. You shouldn’t sleep face down.”

Yang Juwon helped Youngnan up. He laid out a blanket and placed her on it. Youngnan just stared blankly at Yang Juwon’s actions. Finally, she bit her lip and let tears stream down her face.

The quiet room filled only with Youngnan’s sobs.

“Juwon……”

Youngnan forced out her voice. Yang Juwon silently cleaned up the poorly managed apartment. He put the pile of clothes in the washing machine and did the dishes for her.

She’s not usually like this. He thought as he filled the sink with water. She was not someone who lived like this. She was modest, neat, and she took good care of herself. Just because she had difficulty communicating with people did not mean she was an eccentric; she just lacked a bit of talent in that area. She was someone who did her own work properly.

Yang Juwon suddenly thought of Choi Sungbin. Of him with another woman, not Youngnan, and of his face, which was like a vibrant flower, unlike the emaciated and wasting-away Youngnan.

Since it was late at night, he finished the dishes quickly and approached Youngnan, who had been lying on the blanket, just crying.

“Youngnan.”

“Yeah.”

She answered with a stuffy voice.

“I saw Choi Sungbin today.”

Youngnan slowly sat up. Her pupils, submerged in pooled tears, trembled faintly. The tears that had gathered in her trembling eyes split her cheeks.

“Sungbin, how is he? He looks like he’s having a really, really hard time, right?”

“……”

“Doesn’t he look gaunt? Oh, ah, he went to school. That’s a relief. He went to school……. To see him suffering……, I don’t think I can bear to see it with my own eyes.”

At her words, Yang Juwon even felt a sense of grotesqueness. The man he had seen and the man Youngnan was talking about seemed like completely different people.

He did not look like he was suffering; he was full of life. As if he had never experienced the anguish and hardships of life, the man’s brightly smiling face… was not the tragic hero Youngnan spoke of.

Yang Juwon took a bottle of water from the fridge. As expected, there was nothing but water.

He opened the bottle, handed it to her, and asked.

“Weren’t you dating him?”

“Sungbin let me go. He said it would be hard for me if I stayed with him. So…… I wanted to stay by his side, but.”

That’s an excuse. The short sentence rolled around in his mouth. Youngnan was probably the only one who did not know it was an excuse. The man was trying to get rid of her because she was being clingy.

But how could he say such a thing to Youngnan, who was drunk on love, drunk on pity, and crying like a child? Instead, Yang Juwon placed a hand on her shoulder and patted it. It would not be much of a comfort, though.

“I understand his heart, too. An ordinary person like me can’t accept him.”

Youngnan buried her face and cried again. As her crying grew louder, the person in the next room knocked on the wall. All he could do was pat her shoulder.

Maybe I’m misunderstanding. Did some kind of feeling really blossom between them, and as Youngnan said, did they let each other go?

If so, is Choi Sungbin just pretending to be okay? Could it be that the person named Choi Sungbin is suffering as much as Youngnan? It did not seem like it……. It did not seem that way at all.

What was that man, to make Youngnan suffer so much?

It’s okay. It’s okay. Yang Juwon patted her shoulder, comforting her. After crying for a long time, and then some more, she finally, drunk on sleep and alcohol in Yang Juwon’s arms, muttered.

“Juwon, love is a hard thing. It’s like a poison apple. It’s so beautiful and tempting that you can’t help but reach out your hand. But you know. If you eat it, we can never wake up.”

He could not understand her words.

📝

Youngnan went back to her parents’ home. After her parents discovered her holed up in her studio apartment, drinking instead of attending classes, she was dragged away without a single excuse or act of rebellion.

On her way back to her hometown, Youngnan called Yang Juwon from a rest stop.

‘Juwon, thank you for everything. I know you’re a really good boyfriend. ……But I couldn’t help being drawn to Sungbin. I’m sorry.’

After she said those words, she tried to force a laugh, saying she felt relieved. The sound of her laughter was different from before. Yang Juwon listened silently to the faintly spreading laughter.

Yang Juwon simply replied calmly. Yeah, okay. I’ll come visit sometime. Take care. Yeah. That was already three days ago.

The relationship ended in vain, but that was all. Yang Juwon suddenly became curious about Youngnan’s love. With what kind of heart did she love him? Was it different from the feelings she had for him?

The general collection room of the central library. The desks tucked between the densely packed bookshelves were better for studying than the suffocatingly quiet reading rooms.

He rolled a pen between his fingers before clutching it in his fist. He hunched his shoulders and read his textbook, underlining passages. He tried to force himself to stop thinking about Youngnan.

Though, in truth, he was more interested in the feelings she had harbored than in Youngnan herself. But he could not ask her, who was languishing in heartbreak, what kind of feelings she had for Choi Sungbin. He could not even begin to guess. How heavy a feeling it was.

“……”

He glanced sideways at a presence he felt not far away. Of all people. Yang Juwon bit his lip gently. He was not one to have a strong presence, but he darted his eyes around frantically, afraid of making eye contact.

But in the end, their eyes met.

Choi Sungbin was there. He was a person who did not fit in this secluded corner of the central library. He was holding a small memo pad and scanning the bookshelves one by one.

Why had he not noticed before? Once he knew who the man named Choi Sungbin was, he stood out too much.

He was always surrounded by women, and if not, he was alone. Today, he was alone.

A faint light streamed in through the window. It was like a spotlight. The lead role was Choi Sungbin.

Yang Juwon put the end of his pen in his mouth. He stared at him, lost in thought.

Choi Sungbin, who had been scanning the bookshelf, stopped in his tracks. He pulled out a book. Yang Juwon finally came to his senses and quickly lowered his head. He deliberately exaggerated his movements, pretending to study. He put a lot of strength into the hand clutching the pen. His handwriting was a mess.

It’s not like anyone would say anything anyway. What was he doing, acting so pathetic? Staring blankly at the man who had fooled around with his girlfriend, and even toyed with his girlfriend as well. He bit his lip in self-reproach.

Not long after, a chair was pulled out, and a shadow fell on the diagonal seat.

Yang Juwon glanced sideways once more. Their eyes did not meet. Choi Sungbin was quietly reading a book. His side profile was sharp. He had thought he did not suit the library, but seeing him reading so quietly, he could not say he was a complete mismatch.

The white shirt he was wearing matched this static atmosphere well.

Yang Juwon straightened his back without realizing it. Tense, he deliberately turned his head away from that direction and sat at an angle. He tried not to look at him. His hearing was on high alert. Swish, swish, the sound of pages turning at irregular intervals.

He wanted to stop stealing glances, but the man drew attention. It seemed he was born that way. His gaze kept drifting toward him. Although the current season was spring, the man reminded him of autumn.

It must be because of Youngnan. She had painted him as a terribly lonely and solitary man.

Blink. The phone he had placed on the desk lit up. Yang Juwon slowly reached out and picked up his phone.

Where are you? We’re supposed to meet for the group project today, but you’re not here yet…… Are you on your way?

Ah. Heat rushed to Yang Juwon’s head in an instant. Right. He was supposed to meet his group members for a project today. He had completely forgotten. He had clearly intended to just kill some time before entering the library, but at some point, he had stopped thinking about anything.

He replied on his phone that he was at the central library and would be right up. Then he hastily packed his things. He made a racket, but there was no helping it.

Yang Juwon was different from Choi Sungbin, who was reading his book leisurely. He packed his things in a hurry, made a scraping sound as he stood up from his chair, and pushed the chair in with his body because his hands were full.

Crash. Clatter—. The book and plastic pencil case he had been trying to put in his bag tumbled onto the floor. Why am I being so clumsy? Yang Juwon stared blankly at his scattered belongings on the floor. It was a secluded spot, with no one around but Choi Sungbin, but sweat trickled down his spine in embarrassment.

He knelt on the floor and gathered his things with a trembling hand. Why, of all people, did he have to show this side of himself in front of this man? Choi Sungbin probably did not even know he existed, but it was pathetic.

He felt a gaze on him. He angled his head up slightly. Choi Sungbin, who had been resting his chin on his hand, was looking down at Yang Juwon, who was kneeling before him.

Their eyes met.

“……”

He did not get annoyed at the noise, nor did he look at him with frustration. There was nothing in his expression, and for a moment, Yang Juwon felt the blood drain from his face. He did not know what this feeling was. Not even the emotion he was feeling right now.

But the cold expression was brief. Choi Sungbin’s eyes curved into crescents. Though no blush graced his cheeks, his face seemed to be tinted pink. Just by smiling, the man became like that.

“Let me help you.”

Choi Sungbin got up from his chair and knelt in front of him. He helped organize the book and writing utensils. Yang Juwon just blinked blankly, observing the situation.

Having finished organizing, Choi Sungbin looked at the textbook Yang Juwon was holding and opened his mouth.

“Are you in the Department of Public Administration?”

“Ah, uh, that is.”

“So you’re a sunbae. I’m a freshman.”

At his gentle way of speaking, Yang Juwon could not say anything. A person with this kind of personality would probably not find it easy to hang out with men. He must be naturally affectionate, and would likely be more comfortable with women than with the kind of men who are rough, self-absorbed, and put on useless airs.

Yang Juwon swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing noticeably. He hurriedly took the items.

An artificial scent reached him. His fingertips tingled. The scent that had only faintly tickled his nose when they were sitting at diagonal seats had now engulfed Yang Juwon.

It was not a particularly masculine scent, but it was not androgynous either. Among scents that a man might wear, it was the sweetest.

Yang Juwon suddenly sharpened his sense of smell.

He was curious about the cologne he used. What kind of scent he used to wrap himself in, how he found a scent that suited him so well. But unfortunately, he did not know any fragrances.

Faced with many options like “thank you,” “thanks,” or “oh, you’re a junior,” Yang Juwon just bowed his head and said nothing.

After taking his things, he quickly stood up and rushed out of the area.

When he left the reference room to take the elevator, he finally looked back at the firmly closed door of the room. As expected, no one was standing there.

Yang Juwon rubbed the palm of his hand, which was tingling with a strange energy, against his thigh. Youngnan might have been right.

He does not seem like a bad person.

📝

He stands out.

Yang Juwon thought that the reason he stood out was not because he was a flashy person, but perhaps because he himself was following him with his eyes.

They did not have frequent contact. He deliberately avoided him. If he thought their eyes might meet, he would turn his gaze, and sometimes he would turn around and walk in the opposite direction from where he was going.

Choi Sungbin was always, at all times, with a woman. The person was always different. Sometimes it was a woman with long straight hair, sometimes with a short bob or a pixie cut, there was even someone with curly hair, and a bright blonde.

When Yang Juwon thought of Choi Sungbin, he somehow became depressed. He tried to trace back the cause of his depression, but he was just depressed.

Perhaps it was because he had met his complete opposite, and being captivated by that image, he was unknowingly lamenting his own situation.

He still had not found the cologne Choi Sungbin used. He had gathered his courage and gone to a perfume store, smelling all the men’s fragrances, but he could not find it. He tried explaining the scent to an employee, but was only told to try a department store if it was an expensive perfume, and in the end, he could not find out what the scent was.

He was becoming stupid. He was becoming a fool.

His motivation dropped, and he fell into deep thought. The conclusion was depression. He spent more than half of his day thinking about Choi Sungbin. Sometimes he thought of Youngnan too. The day she had cried out that Sungbin was a good person and that she was too flawed to be by his side was deeply engraved in Yang Juwon’s mind.

“Uh—.”

On the way to the lecture hall, one encounters all sorts of noise. All the emotions that humans have, regardless of gender, were jumbled together. Yang Juwon ignored it and walked on. Because it was a hassle. Everything was.

“Excuse me, I think you dropped something.”

The woman’s voice coming from behind seemed to be directed at him, but Yang Juwon walked on calmly. It was a hassle even to turn around. He did not want to pay attention to others. He was lethargic. So he just indifferently walked his own way.

“Noona, you’re wearing a skirt. I’ll get it.”

He froze, his steps faltering. Yang Juwon could not walk any further. This was incomprehensible. He glanced back. Choi Sungbin was approaching him. On his fine hand rested a shabby, old wallet. Yang Juwon instinctively reached for his back pocket. No way. Heat rose to his face.

“It fell out of your bag.”

Choi Sungbin handed the wallet to the man. Yang Juwon could not utter a single reply, his lips just quivered.

Why did he keep acting so distracted? He frequently forgot things, like a person who had lost his mind. As his thoughts grew deeper, he began to miss things one by one.

The same scent emanated from him again. He sharpened his sense of smell to identify the fragrance.

“Your bag.”

Choi Sungbin smiled and pointed to the bag. When Yang Juwon fumbled and twisted his shoulder, the man grabbed his bag strap.

He closed the open zipper of the bag. Ziiiiip—, the sound of the zipper being pulled sounded strangely loud in the noisy space of the lecture building. All his nerves were focused there.

“Excuse me.”

Only after facing Choi Sungbin did Yang Juwon speak to him. Choi Sungbin lightly raised his eyebrows, waiting for him to continue. Yang Juwon’s lips quivered.

“What cologne do you use?”

“This?”

The man’s wrist came closer. As it reached right in front of his nose, he froze, unable to move a muscle. This was the scent. It was the one he had smelled before. Smelling it up close, it was more intense than he had thought.

Yang Juwon answered by tucking his chin towards his body. There was no response. He just rolled his eyes to gauge the situation.

“Hmm.”

“……”

“The name is long.”

Yang Juwon took out his phone. He covered the discolored case with his hand, embarrassed. He opened the memo app and typed as he dictated. The man’s voice seeped into the shell of his ear. He dictated it meticulously, one letter at a time.

Having learned the name of the cologne, Yang Juwon bowed his head, hiding the smile that unknowingly crept onto his face.

“Wow, Choi Sungbin, you’re so kind.”

A woman who had approached them at some point made a playful, sarcastic remark. Choi Sungbin smiled only with his eyes. His somewhat sharp-looking eyes softened into gentle curves.

“I’m always kind.”

“Wow. Totally fake. Hitting on a guy, too.”

“What are you talking about?”

He laughed quietly. Yang Juwon, caught between the two, lightly scraped his bottom lip with his front teeth. He felt awkward and embarrassed.

Choi Sungbin tucked his chin and tilted his head. Then he went on his way with his female companion.

Yang Juwon silently hid his flushed face and followed his back with his eyes. Choi Sungbin was tall. When the woman said something, he leaned his upper body down, closing the distance. The woman’s hand rested on Choi Sungbin’s forearm, and Choi Sungbin wrapped his arm around her back.

Somehow.

“……”

He felt sick to his stomach.

📝

He could not buy the cologne. He was not the kind of person with the guts to buy something that cost over 500,000 won for a single bottle.

Does one normally zip up someone else’s bag?

Yang Juwon stared blankly at the bag shoved in the corner of his studio apartment. It’s strange. No matter how he thought about it, it was strange.

Picking up a wallet or letting someone know their bag was open was possible, but zipping up the bag in that situation was something his mind could not comprehend.

Or.

Maybe he remembered him as the sunbae he met at the library. Since he was a sunbae anyway, he might have thought that much was okay.

Then does he see me as a distracted person? I’m not usually like this.

Why am I being so clumsy? I may not have a meticulous personality, but I’m not so foolish as to go around dropping things everywhere.

“Haa—.”

Yang Juwon let out a low sigh. Self-blame and lamentation continued. Saliva pooled under his tongue. He took short, clipped breaths.

‘Wow. Totally fake. Hitting on a guy, too.’

He remembered what the woman with him had said. Does it not matter if it’s a guy? He had never seen it around him, but he had heard that such people existed.

The fact that he was becoming curious about him was a little scary.

Yang Juwon cautiously lifted his phone. He went into the social media account he had only signed up for because of Youngnan’s nagging. His followers, which had been a mere 3, had shrunk to 2. Only two friends from high school remained.

Youngnan had even deleted her social media account. She was struggling to escape from her painful first love.

She must be doing well. Juwon, who had comforted his past lover’s heartbreak, searched for ‘Choi Sungbin’ in the search bar. He knew the search would not be easy without any mutual acquaintances, but still.

“……”

He did not know if it was a coincidence or fate, but without much thought, he pressed his finger on the top person who came up in the search results and entered their profile. There was no profile picture, and the bio only said Choi Sungbin. It was not a private account, but there were no posts. He was only following about 100 people, yet his followers were in the high four digits.

He found posts that tagged him. Yang Juwon felt a thrilling shiver run down his spine. The face in the photo, this was definitely Choi Sungbin.

There were quite a lot of photos that tagged him. Affectionate selfies and photos taken from across him were uploaded in the tagged section. Just by looking at the tagged section, one could read his activities. He enjoyed night dates, and did not like alcohol.

He scrolled down and down until he reached his high school graduation photo. He wore his school uniform neatly, but his body line was so beautiful that he looked like a model. Even though he had not dyed his hair, he stood out among the people with flashy dyed hair.

In any post, Choi Sungbin was mentioned in the comments. Even foreigners would ask for the man’s account or name. In that way, he maintained a high number of followers even without posting anything.

The moment he realized that what he was doing was a little strange was after he had checked all the social media accounts of the women who had tagged him. Their age range and occupations were diverse. There were ordinary students he had run into at school, but there were also people with hundreds of thousands of followers. Their appearances all had different vibes, but they were all women. The number of men among the people he followed was extremely small.

What he thought after facing the life of a conspicuously handsome person so starkly was, surprisingly, that he was less pretentious despite it all. He was not intoxicated with himself, nor did his ego soar to the heavens. He was enjoying an ordinary life in his twenties. Going to cafes, traveling abroad, and going out to various places. Although the fact that the person he was with changed frequently was bothersome.

Yang Juwon hesitated for a moment, then followed his account. He thought that maybe, if he knew him, he would accept it. Since they had run into each other several times. Even if it was a clumsy side of him.

If there had been any posts, he would have at least left a comment, but he could not. Instead, after following him, he put up a profile picture. <Yang Juwon, Department of Public Administration, Hankuk University> He also put it in his bio. Wanting to show that he was active on social media, he also posted a picture of the sky he had taken a few days ago. He checked the social media account, which he normally never used, several times.

That evening, a short notification rang.

What’s with you on InXta all of a sudden

Only a high school friend left a comment, and his following list did not increase.

📝

Tap. At the soft touch on his shoulder, Yang Juwon turned his head. As he slightly raised his gaze, he met the eyes of a man smiling affectionately.

He was a man who was just cold when he was expressionless, but could melt everything with a smile. Would there be any woman who would not fall for that smile? Any woman who liked men would be interested in Choi Sungbin, and he, too, enjoyed the gazes of women.

“Sunbae, hello.”

Choi Sungbin smiled and greeted him. Instead of returning his smile, Yang Juwon gave a short reply.

“Yeah.”

Choi Sungbin took a big step closer. The two walked together. The company was awkward, but the man seemed unfazed. He asked a question in a gentle tone.

“Are you going to class?”

“Uh.”

“From what time to what time?”

“I’ve been out since this morning. It goes until the afternoon.”

“Aah—. I just got here. I only have afternoon classes today.”

“I see.”

Most of their conversations were like this. He would start the conversation, and Yang Juwon would answer. In truth, there were many things he wanted to ask. But he was not good with words, and would mostly either cut off the flow or provoke his annoyance. He had no choice but to be sparing with his words.

“Sunbae.”

“Uh.”

“Send me your schedule.”

“……”

Yang Juwon just met his eyes, trying to read his intention. Choi Sungbin was still smiling. It was hard to read him even when their eyes met.

To him, who was standing there blankly, Choi Sungbin said.

“We’re dating. Send it to me. I need to check the times, don’t I?”

Ah. We are dating. So little had changed that he had forgotten for a moment. It was the relationship he had wanted so badly, but it was just awkward. Yang Juwon nodded as if bowing his head.

“I’ll send it when I get to the classroom.”

“Send it now.”

“Huh?”

It was about time to get to the classroom. He had a class right after the previous one, so there was no break. He did not have time to argue here. Did Choi Sungbin know that?

He urged him in a soft voice.

“Send it standing right here, right now.”

Yang Juwon eventually moved the bag he was wearing on his back to the front. He opened the zipper and took out a folder. Inside was a schedule, a little larger than the palm of his hand, tucked in. He opened the folder to take a picture and send it. He took his phone out of his pocket.

“You don’t use a schedule app?”

“Uh.”

“You’re so…… frustrating.”

Of course. In the end, a voice tinged with exasperation flowed from Choi Sungbin. A tone like this was more familiar than kindness. He was not a kind person, at least not to him.

Though he would sometimes wrap himself in kindness depending on his mood.

Yang Juwon took a picture of the schedule and sent it. Choi Sungbin, who had told him to send it right on the spot, did not even take out his phone.

“I’ll check it when I get upstairs.”

He started walking first. Yang Juwon followed behind him. He was one step ahead, but he did not get any further away. But he was not getting any closer either.

Yang Juwon looked at his back. This distance was more familiar than facing him and having a conversation.

Just then, Choi Sungbin, who was climbing the stairs, glanced back and asked.

“Is it an hour and a half class?”

“No, two hours.”

“Ah.”

“Why?”

Choi Sungbin climbed the stairs lightly with his hands behind his back. The lukewarm afternoon sunlight poured in through the grimy window. It was similar to another day. It was around this time then, too. He was walking endlessly into a late spring.

“Then come out at four-thirty.”

That would be right in the middle of class. Yang Juwon looked at the pouring sunlight with a bored face and replied in a voice that only he could probably hear.

“I’ll be in class then.”

“Come out anyway.”

Only then did Choi Sungbin quicken his pace.

He had soon gone far up. Yang Juwon stopped in his tracks and looked at his back. The man, who had taken a large step onto the landing, turned around.

He looked down at Yang Juwon, who was standing far below. He felt that this position was right. It was strange that they had been standing together, walking the same path in the first place.

Still…….

“Are you going to come out?”

Yang Juwon gave a reply that was one beat too late.

“Yeah.”

📝

It is better for him to be obedient than to not listen and whine. Honestly, if he had not even listened, there would have been no reason to see him, but.

Choi Sungbin rested his chin on his hand and spun a pen with his other hand. He gently swung his crossed legs. Tap. He put the pen down on the desk with a sound and picked up his phone. He checked the message from Yang Juwon.

He used his index and middle fingers to zoom in and out of the photo. The schedule he had sent, calling it a class schedule, was ordinary.

He had arranged the necessary major courses and put liberal arts courses in between. He had classes until quite late on Fridays, but Mondays were free. He had been so frustrating that he thought his schedule would be just as old-fashioned, but it was surprisingly normal.

Should I tell him to come to school on Monday? He probably would.

He moved the hand propping up his chin to wrap around his neck. That was not what was important right now. A hollow laugh escaped him at the thought of a malicious prank.

“Something good happen?”

Choi Sungbin tilted his head. His classmate, Seokjun, had even turned his body around to talk to him. Choi Sungbin asked with his eyes.

“You were grinning to yourself.”

“What do you mean, grinning?”

Choi Sungbin narrowed his eyes and smiled.

“You look like you’re in a good mood. Found someone nice?”

Can I not be in a good mood if I have not found someone nice? The thought crossed his mind, but he knew Seokjun did not mean it in a bad way, so he did not add anything. Not someone nice, but there is someone strange.

He let out a laugh, massaging his stiff shoulders.

“Is that so? I don’t know.”

“Well, you. You get to meet people with just a glance, so you wouldn’t know.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. It’s not funny.”

Choi Sungbin did not harden his expression, but he did not elaborate. He did not think he was a bad guy, but sometimes he would hear something somewhere and pick a fight for no reason.

Well, it’s not like he’s wrong. Choi Sungbin stared silently at Seokjun, who was clearing his throat and ruffling his hair.

“Do you have more to say?”

“I wasn’t trying to pick a fight.”

“I know.”

Why was conversation with men so dull? At least with Yang Juwon, there was some fun in teasing him.

Choi Sungbin made a sullen face and checked the time. The lecture was about to start.

When he came out into the hallway after the lecture, Yang Juwon was standing there. Unlike when they met on the first floor, his only possession was his cell phone. What did he think he was going to do?

Choi Sungbin stood at a distance, watching the man, before approaching. He placed a hand on his forearm. It was surprisingly hard. It was a man’s arm.

“You were waiting?”

The man fidgeted and twisted his shoulder. He took a step back, as if uncomfortable with the contact.

“Uh, but I don’t think I can stay long.”

“It’s fine. I’ll let you go soon. Follow me.”

He felt like humming. He did not have such a dirty hobby, but just. There was no particular reason. If asked if it was fun… maybe.

He had no particular thoughts.

“Choose.”

At the convenience store in the lecture building, Choi Sungbin said to Yang Juwon in front of the drink refrigerator. Yang Juwon looked at him silently before opening the refrigerator door. Choi Sungbin left him there and went to get some mouthwash. What Yang Juwon brought back was barley tea.

He drinks things just like himself. Choi Sungbin took the barley tea along with the mouthwash and headed to the counter.

“I’ll give you my card.”

Yang Juwon, who had followed him at some point, said. Choi Sungbin let out a hollow laugh and waved his hand.

“It’s fine. You think I can’t even buy this?”

After paying, they sat on the chairs set up in front of the convenience store. Since class had just ended, there were quite a few people around. In about ten minutes, most of them would be gone. They would either go to their respective classes or go home.

“I don’t know why I’m here.”

Yang Juwon looked around awkwardly, holding the plastic bottle in his hand. He should not be unfamiliar with this lecture building. Was it him that was awkward? Choi Sungbin knew full well but pretended not to.

“Because the weather’s nice.”

“We’re inside, though.”

“Look out the window. The weather’s nice.”

He pointed a finger out the window. The weather is nice. Choi Sungbin hummed a tune.

I told you to look out the window. The furtive glances were annoying. They would get closer, then move away, then look around for no reason, and finally land on him again.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

When he finally met his eyes, Yang Juwon quickly shook his head. He gnawed on his lip.

Choi Sungbin placed his hand on the table. He spread his palm wide, then clenched it into a fist. Only Yang Juwon’s eyes darted around busily.

“Do we have to do something grand for a date? We just see each other when our schedules match.”

“……”

“Why. You want to hold hands or something?”

He asked, opening his hand. He never thought he would say such a thing to a man, but it was surprisingly not a big deal. Choi Sungbin lifted his chin.

Yang Juwon sat with a stiffly frozen face. He knew it was not an expression of displeasure. Was he shy? Finding it somehow amusing, he covered his mouth with his fist and chuckled.

“I’m just kidding. Why would we hold hands?”

Choi Sungbin took back his words and looked around. Not much time had passed, but many people had left. Should we get going? He picked up the mouthwash he had placed on the table and stood up. Yang Juwon, who was taking a swig of water at that moment, followed him only with his eyes.

“Let’s go, now.”

“Why, why here……”

A frustrated voice poured out from behind him.

It was only natural for Choi Sungbin, who enjoyed playing with his hands, to know of a restroom that people rarely frequented. Choi Sungbin, just like before, hummed a tune and kicked the bottom of the door open with his foot.

It was the stall at the very end. There were no people, but like any university restroom, it was clean. Choi Sungbin flicked the toilet lid closed. He had no intention of sitting, but he hated his gaze being drawn into the disgusting thing.

Yang Juwon was standing in front of the sink. He had not told him to follow him in, but he thought he would have some sense.

Ah, is he not coming in because he has a clue? Choi Sungbin peeked his head out. Seeing Yang Juwon’s deathly pale face, a laugh escaped him without him realizing.

So you’ve noticed. That’s why.

“What are you doing? Come in.”

“……Why?”

Yang Juwon’s eyes were full of alert.

Choi Sungbin pulled the door inward. It seemed like it would be too small for two people to stand. But one of them would be sitting on the floor anyway.

“You’ve noticed, haven’t you?”

Would he tremble and say he could not do it this time, too? There were a few reactions he could imagine. Backing away with a deathly pale face saying he could not do it, or standing there with a blank face and then doing it reluctantly.

It did not matter if he did it or not. It was not like he was dying to get off right now, nor was it a sexually appealing situation. He had just thought of it after coincidentally seeing a couple.

Lovers looking at each other with eyes full of love.

Did Yang Juwon want a loving relationship like that, too? But Choi Sungbin had no intention of accommodating him.

Yang Juwon slowly closed and opened his eyes. When he put strength into his lower lip, a round wrinkle like a walnut formed on his chin. His Adam’s apple bobbed.

Choi Sungbin just stared at him silently.

A man. Just a man. Not small in stature, in fact, bigger and more robust than the average man. Not pretty, but rather a rugged-looking, perfectly normal man.

“Is that, what you want?”

Yang Juwon asked in a composed voice, contrary to his deathly pale face. Choi Sungbin raised an eyebrow instead of answering.

“Yes.”

Yang Juwon, who understood the meaning, dragged his feet and approached. Choi Sungbin tilted his head and watched the man with indifferent eyes. He’s doing this, too.

It did not matter that the stall was small. Choi Sungbin leaned against the wall and looked down at the man with indifferent eyes. The man kneeling in front of him had listless eyes. He remained still with his lips firmly shut, then raised his gaze. He thought he knew what he wanted to say.

Tell me what to do.

It was as if he could hear the man’s voice.

Choi Sungbin suddenly felt like smoking a cigarette. If it had been a hotel, he would have at least taken out his e-cigarette, but given the location, he endured.

Instead, he grabbed the man’s chin forcefully and lifted it. It was, naturally, a rough gesture. Yang Juwon furrowed his brow before quickly returning to his original expression.

Does he really like me? Seeing him show his pride and even shed tears, it does not seem like a lie. With such an indifferent face, he says he likes me, that he can do anything.

Is it just his face? That would make sense, since they had never met before. He had suddenly received a confession, and until then, he had not even known of this person’s existence.

Choi Sungbin let go of the chin he had gripped as if throwing it away. He spoke in a lower voice than usual.

“You know.”

Yang Juwon bit his lower lip gently. Then he raised his hand. He gripped the buckle of the pants in front of him. A faint sigh was heard, but Choi Sungbin ignored it.

Instead, he looked down at the man’s small crown. He raised his hand to touch the brownish hair, then paused.

Yang Juwon moved his hand with frustrating slowness. Slowly, but he still did everything he was supposed to. He undid the buckle, paused, then reached out and took out the unerect penis from under the underwear.

Just because a man was kneeling to suck his thing, there was no reason for him to get hard just from that.

It was not like he was desperate for sex, so desperate that he did not care if it was a man.

“……”

Yang Juwon just took out the penis and did nothing. Choi Sungbin muttered in a low voice.

“What are you doing.”

“No, just.”

Yang Juwon moved his body a little closer. He could feel his breath. Choi Sungbin lowered his gaze. The man, with nowhere to hold on, placed his clenched fists on his own thighs.

Then he closed his eyes gently. He opened his lips and took the tip in.

The penis was pushed into the man’s wet, humid mouth. A soft tongue was pressed underneath.

He had only hesitated before taking it in his mouth; after that, it was the same.

He moved his head back and forth slowly. The surface of his teeth was felt starkly. Choi Sungbin contorted one side of his face.

Sunbae, he called him, and Yang Juwon opened his closed eyes. His penis was held in his mouth, which was open wide enough to dislocate his jaw.

“Suck with your lips. Don’t scrape with your teeth.”

“Uhm.”

A muffled reply hit the back of his throat. Yang Juwon stretched his philtrum and curled his lips inward. Every time he moved his head back and forth, his tongue was pressed against the underside of the penis.

He moved his tongue gently from side to side. He rubbed the tip of his tongue against the glans corona. Whether it was instinctual or he had learned it from somewhere.

Choi Sungbin grabbed his head. He clutched his short hair with his hand. This was more comfortable than stroking his hair. Only then did Yang Juwon raise his hand and grab his thigh.

He held his hair and moved his head back and forth quickly. He was just using him like a masturbation tool. Gack, gack, gack, slurp……, harsh breaths laced with pain echoed in the quiet restroom.

He was helplessly dragged along, letting out only suppressed breaths. The hand gripping his thigh tightened. Choi Sungbin pushed him back, still holding his hair. Thump, the penis that slipped out of his mouth stood erect before slightly bending under its own weight.

He deliberately pushed his face against it. The man, whose lips and cheeks were covered with a glistening mixture of saliva and bodily fluids, could not even open his eyes properly.

He just panted for breath.

“Haa, haa……”

The stringy fluid smeared on his cheek. The same went for his eyelids and eyebrows. Yang Juwon bit his lip hard. He struggled to catch his breath, his face contorted in a frown.

Looking at the man’s face, stained with bodily fluid, it did not seem much different from the place where he was currently kneeling.

“Stick out your tongue.”

At those words, Yang Juwon obediently stuck out his tongue. As he pulled him back by his hair, he tilted his head back. His face was a mess. He had not intended to go this far, but… to be honest, it was not bad.

Choi Sungbin gripped the base of his penis and placed it on his tongue. He slowly rubbed the glans. Yang Juwon still could not open one eye, helplessly being rubbed by the penis on his tongue.

As he pushed the glans in, he again slowly opened his lips wide. He closed both eyes, and Choi Sungbin pulled him towards him, clutching his hair.

“Suck it lewdly.”

Gag, Yang Juwon gagged, but he moved his body closer again and focused on sucking. Slurp, slurp. His brow furrowed with every suck.

“Hoo, roll your tongue hard. I’m not letting you go if I can’t cum.”

“……”

“You have to go to class, don’t you.”

Yang Juwon squeezed his eyes shut. Even as his mouth was being violated, he rolled his tongue.

He does everything I tell him to. Is he really a crazy bastard? Then again, would a sane person be sucking a man’s penis in a school restroom?

The man made obscene noises. He drooled, and rounded his lips to suck so deeply that it reached the back of his throat.

Throb, throb, as he sucked the penis, he gripped his own crotch. Choi Sungbin let out a clipped breath and laughed.

“Hoo, you want to masturbate?”

“Oop, ugh……”

“Hah……”

Heat rose to his head. His penis felt even heavier. It could not be because of the man who was gripping and releasing his crotch because he wanted to masturbate.

Choi Sungbin took a short breath and shoved his head deep inside.

“Ugh, ugh!!”

He thrust into the back of the man’s throat. As if suffocating, the man’s eyes shot open. They were bloodshot, and the tears that had welled up streamed down his cheeks.

Gasp, gasp……, as he thrust into his throat, a sound that was difficult for a person to make followed. Yang Juwon shook his head, and also pushed against his thigh.

But Choi Sungbin had no intention of letting go of his head. He pushed and pulled, leading only to stimulation.

He gripped the back of his head and shoved it deep. The man, struggling to breathe, scratched Choi Sungbin’s thigh. Choi Sungbin put more strength into his hand.

At the end of the repeated action, Choi Sungbin bit his lower lip hard and came in his mouth. As he released semen into the hot, wet oral cavity, Yang Juwon trembled. As he came deep in his throat, his Adam’s apple bobbed. His throat tensed up and then relaxed. He gulped down the incoming semen. He would not be able to spit it out, after all.

“Hoo……”

Choi Sungbin exhaled and threw his head aside.

“Ha!”

The man let out a breath as if screaming and fell backward. He propped himself up with both arms on the restroom floor, his chest heaving. The glistening penis had calmed down a bit. If he had his way, he would have pounded into him a few more times.

Yang Juwon gasped for breath, clutching his own throat.

“Ha, haa, ah……”

He sobbed for breath, his face flushed with pain. Choi Sungbin used his index and middle fingers to lift the man’s forehead and raise his head. His face was a mess of tears and saliva. The corner of his lip was split and bleeding.

His gaze naturally fell downward. The man was no longer masturbating.

Choi Sungbin reached out and rolled up some toilet paper. Instead of wiping the man’s face, which was wet with bodily fluids and tears, he wiped his own penis. Then he wiped the man’s face with that toilet paper.

Yang Juwon closed his eyes gently. He forced his trembling lips shut.

“Sunbae.”

“……”

“Get up.”

Yang Juwon struggled to his feet. Choi Sungbin grabbed his waistband.

“Ah.”

The startled man quickly grabbed the hand that was clutching his waistband.

“Why, why……”

“I want to see.”

“It’s fine. Don’t mind……”

“Let go.”

Choi Sungbin said to him with cold, empty eyes. Yang Juwon turned his head away. Choi Sungbin pulled down his pants. Of course. The gray underwear was soaking wet.

“Sunbae, did you cum?”

“……”

“You pervert.”

Choi Sungbin chuckled. Yang Juwon just closed his eyes and held his breath.

He wrapped his finger around the waistband of the underwear. When he pulled the elastic forward, the messy penis came into view. As if he had had a rather satisfying ejaculation, semen was splattered on his pubic hair and underwear.

Dirty.

Choi Sungbin looked back and forth, once at the inside of the underwear, once at his face.

“Sunbae.”

“……”

“Look at me.”

“Uh……”

Thump. He let go of the elastic. Then he took out the mouthwash from the bag he had hung up and placed it in his hand.

Honestly, he could have come a few more times, but there was no need. There would be more times in the future.

“Wash your face and rinse your mouth. Your lip is split and bleeding.”

“……”

“And carry this with you.”

Yang Juwon looked down at the mouthwash in his hand. Choi Sungbin tilted his head to meet his eyes.

“You’re not going to shamelessly ask me out on a date, are you?”

“……Yeah.”

“I want to do this again.”

Then he smiled brightly. It was the most sincere smile he had ever shown Yang Juwon.

Maybe he would get a kick out of it. Because it was easy. And fun.

“I’m a really good boyfriend, right?”

Yang Juwon did not smile. But that was not what was important. He had said it to make him feel bad.

📝

On the seventh day of dating Yang Juwon, Choi Sungbin realized something. That dating was not that big of a deal. It was no different from usual, to the point where it was strange that a man had clung to him so wretchedly, begging him to date.

Choi Sungbin, who was sitting on a bench in front of the department building and fiddling with his phone, checked his messages. Amid the texts hungry for the night and for skinship, there was a message from Yang Juwon.

Going to bed. Good night.

I’m up.

It was a short, simple message, but it suited him. Even if they did not exchange messages separately, Yang Juwon would send morning and evening greetings. Choi Sungbin would reply when he felt like it, and ignore it when he did not. He mostly ignored them.

Just as one could not drink urine when thirsty, even on sleepless nights, he only contacted the people he wanted to. It was a hassle to pour energy into something just because he was bored.