WOP Ch 1.4
by soapa“It feels like my first time since high school, right?”
Ha Joyoon nodded with a disinterested expression, searching his memory.
“I occasionally stay in touch with Taejung, but I haven’t heard from you at all. I was curious how you’ve been living, and it’s quite amazing to meet here.”
At the mention of the name, his body, which had been slouching in boredom, flinched.
No matter who he meets or what he talks about, it inevitably leads back to Taejung. How many connections remain between us? How to deal with the traces and pain of Taejung engraved in every corner of his life was bewildering.
Joyoon tried to keep a nonchalant expression while casually responding to his old schoolmate’s greeting.
“Just living like that. Looks like you went to medical school. I didn’t know.”
“Somehow, it turned out that way. Do you still take photos? You were always carrying a camera around during our three years in high school. Journalist or photographer, something like that?”
“Well… yes. It’s what I’ve always been doing.”
“Seems like it. Hahaha, it suits you.”
“Thanks.”
He laughed weakly, intertwining his dry fingers. His thin hair fluttered and gathered with the breeze from the air conditioner. However, Lim Dohyun, unaware of his complicated feelings, was busy expressing his joy at the reunion.
“Back in school, you were always with Taejung, so we hardly talked. It’s even nicer to greet each other here like this.”
“I’m… glad too.”
“Everyone wanted to be friends with you back then, but you always had this vibe of being unapproachable unless it was that guy. Well, strictly speaking, you just didn’t respond much to questions. Haha, you were quite unique.”
Whether in the past or present, Joyoon’s world was narrow and limited. He was intensely absorbed in things he was interested in, but indifferent to those he wasn’t. This was the same with work and relationships. The only person of significance to Joyoon, apart from family, was Kang Taejung. Their relationship was based on complete attachment and perfect stability, to the point where the beginning was indefinable. However, now, cut off from Taejung, what remained for Joyoon was complete isolation from the world.
How much longer must I endure this situation? Can I overcome it every time? An indescribable feeling rose to a dangerous level. First, changing the subject was urgent.
“Did I do that…? It was so long ago. But I need to leave soon… Can I get the test results first?”
“Huh? Oh, ah… right, right. I got carried away because it’s been so long since we last met. Sorry.”
Dohyun awkwardly smiled and quickly brought up the brain scan on the monitor.
“…”
Confronted with the stark reality of his condition, Joyoon took deep breaths. It felt as if some fragment somewhere had reached his heart through the blood vessels, leaving a burning and nauseating sensation. Were these remnants from an internal war, or traces of emotion? He thought it didn’t matter, but facing reality, the fear he had suppressed came rushing back. The person opposite him, with a grave expression, pointed to specific parts of the image and hesitantly began to speak.
“Um, this is from your MRI… this…”
At the moment the silence like eternity ended, Joyoon closed his eyes.
When he opened them after a while, the painful reality was momentarily erased, and everything he had dreamed of surrounded him. Joyoon, looking around in amazement, quickly approached a familiar man he had only seen in photos.
“Hey, Robert, any regrets in life?”
To the foolish question, the man in his imagination answered. “Listen, friend, even the mine that blew my body apart couldn’t destroy my film and Gerda’s photos.”
It was a mischievous voice.
Honk – Honk –
The sounds of horns intertwined, racing through the streets. The footsteps of people on the pavement blocks mingled chaotically, painting the city beautifully. The scene people created was like the brushstrokes of a mischievous artist. The gaze of someone carefully stepping through the gaps between people, spaces, and intervals was dizzying. The tired, heavy steps gradually slowed down and eventually stopped completely.
‘Yoon-ah, zoning out again? Come here.’
‘Yoon-ah, have you eaten? It’s good to work hard, but don’t skip meals. Let’s go have something delicious.’
Standing in the middle of the road, Ha Joyoon, like a lost child, looked back and forth between the path he had come and the one he should take. The sense of distance was oddly intense. Though he had only just left the hospital entrance, it felt too far to return, and too daunting to move forward. It was a crossroads with no best or second-best choice.
I miss him.
Suddenly, the medication packet in his hand felt as heavy as iron. Lim Dohyun, who had explained calmly with a voice mixed with concern and worry, did not forget his final advice. Those words felt as if all responsibility for every choice lay solely with Ha Joyoon, heavy and weighty.
I miss him…
He moistened his dry lips and, with a sluggish hand, pulled out his phone. The screen showed missed calls and messages. Due to leaving without much notice, there were many calls from home, and various other numbers and names filled the list. His hand scrolling through the list was slow and lethargic, knowing that the call he most wanted wouldn’t be there.
Yoon-ah.
A tender, delicate voice could be heard. Even knowing it was an auditory hallucination, the thick longing for his lover welled up in his throat. His aimless, wandering heart finally reached some conclusion.
Joyoon, with a look of determination, quickly dialed a number. He had deleted it several times before, but the memory ingrained in his mind couldn’t be erased. It might be a choice that would hurt someone, but his hesitation was brief. Hadn’t he already experienced death once? If life was something that could end at any moment, he didn’t want to leave only regret and remorse.
After dialing the last number, a familiar pop song played from the small device. The melody he knew too well momentarily froze his body. His tightly closed lips trembled, half-smiling, half-crying. Taejung’s unchanged phone ringtone for nearly ten years was one of Joyoon’s favorite pop songs.
You couldn’t be cruel even to the end. As Garfunkel’s song lengthened, his heartbeat inexplicably quickened. The desire for the call to be answered and the hope it wouldn’t were intertwined and coexisted. As if to cut off even that lingering hope, the music suddenly stopped, and so did his breath following the tune. Ha Joyoon held the warm device to his ear, slowly exhaling. The silence was mutual on the other side of the phone.
— What’s going on?
The one to break the silence was Kang Taejung. His attitude of asking about the matter without any greetings was unfamiliar. He was always the one to call first, checking on Ha Joyoon’s feelings and condition, gently extending their conversation. Although they weren’t talkative, silence had never been uncomfortable between them. Those moments, as comfortable as breathing, now felt unbearably frightening. But before Ha Joyoon could lament the changed reality, the other person quickly brought the conversation to an end.
— If there’s no business, I’ll hang up.
“Taejung, wait.”
— …
“Can we meet today… today?”
A cold silence swept between them. Ha Joyoon tried to appear calm while running his hand through his disheveled hair, but his voice betrayed his tension. Even trying to clear his throat didn’t help. He didn’t want to show up unannounced like before. If he saw them walking in together again, he wasn’t sure he could keep his composure. Better to cut off all variables beforehand.
The silence continued. He heard the familiar sound of breathing. Unlike his heart, which was racing like it would burst, the other’s calm breaths were painful. Even if he pretended to be indifferent, there was no way Taejung wouldn’t notice Joyoon’s tension through the phone. This man was sensitive enough to catch even the slightest change in emotion Joyoon himself wasn’t aware of. He was a lover who adjusted everything to him, as if born to fit him perfectly.
Looking back, that was impossible; it was just one-sided sacrifice and love that supported it all. I’ve come this far, parasitic on your love.
“…”
With the endless silence, Ha Joyoon’s anxiety continued. With a vague premonition that the conversation might end like this, he quickly spoke up.
“Taejung.”
— …
“We have things to talk about.”
“…”
“I don’t think this is how we should end things.”
There was no intention to end things. Although he knew Taejung was seeing someone else, to Ha Joyoon, Taejung was still very much in the present, not the past. As if he already knew of Ha Joyoon’s clinging heart, Kang Taejung called out to him with a troubled tone.
— Yoon-ah, I…
Afraid of what would follow, Ha Joyoon quickly brought up his reason for calling.
“Let’s meet today. I’m near your company now. I’ll wait until you get off work.”
— Work? Why are you at my company?
“Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m just here on business. It’s not like I’m following you around… I have business to…”
His voice gradually became wet with emotion. The fact that he had to make such excuses was sad, and he realized that all his words and actions now made Taejung uncomfortable. A hot lump scraped down his throat.
“Just…”
— …
“Can’t we just see each other’s faces?”
— …
“Huh? Just the face.”
It wasn’t a cold rejection, but the silence filled with hesitation felt even more cruel. “I, I…” The words he couldn’t forget were drowned out by the noise of the crowd. Despite feeling wretched, he wanted to say something, anything. Please. His voice, now sounding defeated, made a humble request, followed by an uncomfortable silence.
— Okay.
After a long wait, permission was granted. Before they could decide on a location, Kang Taejung ended the conversation.
— Let’s meet at the XX Cafe in front of the company. I should be done around seven.
His reluctance was evident, but Ha Joyoon nodded his head vigorously, clutching his phone as if Taejung were right in front of him, grateful for the hard-won appointment.
“Yeah. Thanks.”
— …
“See you later…”
An awkward air passed between them. With a heavy heart, Ha Joyoon ended the call without asking for permission, unable to bear Taejung’s silence any longer.
Leaving behind the sharp pain in his chest, Joyoon took a step forward. The late afternoon sun gently warmed his feet. There were still nearly four hours left until the agreed time.
“Why would he…”
Seo Youngwoo’s gaze, which had been watching where Ha Joyoon disappeared, wavered aimlessly. When he first spotted him in the hospital lobby while visiting a friend, he thought he looked like someone he knew, but his suspicion didn’t last long. The appearance that caught the attention of passersby and the unique atmosphere surrounding him made it clear. Though he didn’t want to admit it, there couldn’t be anyone else who looked like him. Despite his slow pace, Seo Youngwoo’s steps in following Ha Joyoon were somehow urgent and anxious because he knew Kang Taejung’s company was near the hospital.
Why is he here? Who was he talking to? Was he talking to Taejung? All these questions swirled in his mind as a bright blue anxiety. Though he tried to act fine and composed, there was no way he could truly be okay.
Having been around Taejung as a junior for a long time, he had witnessed Taejung’s love for Ha Joyoon. Seeing that persistent, deep affection, he had secretly wished for someone to love him like that too. That desire eventually turned into greed, and Taejung became the one he wanted to be loved by.
The lump of anxiety grew uncontrollably, but Seo Youngwoo soon shook his head firmly, denying his suspicions. Even at the reunion after five years, hadn’t Taejung been considerate enough not to allow him to join them? Taejung was the one who held his hand until the end at that meeting, giving no chance for misunderstanding. If there had been even a shred of feeling left for his former lover, he wouldn’t have done that.
However, before he knew it, his grip on his phone tightened. His expression, which had twisted on its own, had long since lost control over his will.
❄
The moment he stepped into the café, the feeling he got was one of discomfort. Although the location was different, it was still a café where he had experienced something shocking just days ago, so when Taejung chose this place for their meeting, Joyoon couldn’t help but feel saddened. This would have been an impossible choice for the Taejung of the past.
For Taejung, it had been five years, but for Ha Joyoon, it was just a few days since his lover had changed.
Swallowing his bitterness, Joyoon carefully observed his surroundings. Despite it being the time when people usually get off work, the inside was quite desolate. It was easy to guess why this place was chosen.
“He’s late…”
He checked the time, gently folding his chilled hands from the air conditioning. Seven o’clock. After a long wait, the promised time had arrived, but he couldn’t spot Kang Taejung among the people coming in and out of the café entrance.
Is something wrong?
Joyoon repeatedly raised his head in anticipation each time the door opened, only to lower it again, self-mocking as he recalled his memories. In his selfish self-centeredness, the waiting was always Taejung’s role. From small dates to mundane daily promises, and even when he had to leave for war zones for most of the year under the pretext of photography, Taejung had always waited patiently for Joyoon. There were times when Taejung genuinely expressed anger and anxiety, like when Joyoon first went to a war zone as a correspondent and when he left for Syria five years ago. And in all those moments, Ha Joyoon had chosen his work and photography.
“The more I think about it, the worse it gets.”
His muttering voice was filled with depression and self-loathing. No matter how he looked at it, he didn’t deserve to hold onto Kang Taejung, and there was no reason for Taejung to choose him over whoever he was seeing now. All he could recall were the times he hadn’t done enough. During their relationship, or even before that, Joyoon had never given Taejung a sense of security. Taejung had always been longing, missing, and anxious.
But… even so.
Thud.
“Sorry, I’m a bit late.”
With the sound of a knock on the table and a low, soft voice, Taejung’s presence was felt beside him. Joyoon looked up sharply to see Taejung’s face, and just that was enough to make his eyes hot with emotion.
“No, I just got here too.”
“Work ran a bit late.”
Kang Taejung placed his jacket and car keys on one corner of the table, casually brushing back his fallen hair. Joyoon’s gaze followed his movements. The emblem on the smart key sparkled under the ceiling light through the modern design of the jacket. It wasn’t the car model Joyoon was familiar with.
“You… changed your car?”
“Yeah, I changed it this time.”
“I see.”
Although it was nothing significant, the thought that it was a part of Taejung’s life he didn’t know about made his heart ache. Pushing the pain aside, Ha Joyoon spoke as if nothing was wrong.
“What would you like to drink? They say all the beverages here are good. Coffee? Or…”
“No, I’m good. I had a lot at the office, so I’m not really in the mood.”
It was an unspoken pressure to get to the point and leave soon. Facing this first encounter of coldness, Joyoon’s long eyelashes trembled in confusion. Even when he tried to meet eyes with Taejung in earnest, Taejung’s gaze remained fixed on the table, his eyes cold and devoid of emotion.
“Taejung.”
The call was full of longing.
“Look at me.”
“…”
“You have to look at my face, right?”
When Joyoon reached out to him, Taejung flinched. Seeing the sad reaction, Joyoon awkwardly laughed and withdrew his hand.
“Taejung…”
The quiet call resonated. As if it were a signal, Kang Taejung slowly lifted his head. Despite the clear signs of fatigue, his gentle eyes and sharp nose still made Joyoon’s heart flutter. It was the face he had longed for and loved for so long. As Joyoon took in Taejung’s appearance, he quietly continued.
“Back then… I was too shocked to say anything.”
“…”
“When did you start seeing her? How do you know her… Tell me. I know I’ve wronged you in many ways, but we’ve been together for years. …I never even heard you say you wanted to break up. And yet, am I supposed to just accept this situation as normal?”
His voice was quiet but calm. Taejung, who couldn’t meet Joyoon’s gaze, sighed heavily and touched his cheek. Emotions he thought he had suppressed to forget the pain were seeping out.
Ha Joyoon’s words were not wrong. Taejung knew he had to explain, but he didn’t know where to start or how. All that had happened in just a few days still didn’t feel real. He was at a loss about where things had gone wrong and what to do next.
“Yoon-ah, I…”
With a slow start, Kang Taejung finally looked at the person sitting across from him. Though pale, almost translucent, there was nothing awkward about calling him beautiful even though he was a man. The unique languor and indifferent air that had driven him mad during their relationship, or even before that, was still there.
His pretty brown eyes blinked, disappeared, and reappeared. Yoon-ah, I… The swallowed words lingered around his heart. When you have too much to say, you might end up saying nothing at all, a sentiment he now fully understood. Like a mute who had forgotten how to speak, Kang Taejung repeatedly opened and closed his lips.
“Youngwoo was… a junior from university. We’ve known each other for a long time.”
“…”
“After you disappeared like that… it was tough. Living a normal life became impossible. I thought I was going crazy… I realized I was much weaker than I thought I was.”
His voice, delving into the past, was low and poignant. Ha Joyoon listened intently, intently to Kang Taejung’s words.
“As time passed, I started to get tired too. It drove me mad. I regretted it every day, cried over it, but nothing changed, and I couldn’t hear anything about you. Even when I was living with pride, thinking I was doing well, I found I could do nothing. I didn’t know I was such an incapable person. Time just flowed helplessly, and it was killing me.”
The cheerful humming of a woman blended with the bossa nova melody, spreading throughout the café. The light from crimson lamps created an illusion of stars falling like those of the Rhone River. The pain that didn’t match the beautiful music flowed out through the lover’s voice. I really felt like dying. Taejung’s voice, self-mocking repeatedly as if sobbing, pierced through the long gap of time between them.
“Youngwoo was always there during those times. When I was alone, I really wanted to die, but somehow he always knew when to come or call to look after me. At first, I ignored him and turned away, but that guy… he was really persistent.”
His tightly closed lips faintly formed a smile. Despite being just a fleeting movement, his stern, cold expression immediately softened. And Ha Joyoon’s heart, watching him, crumbled like a dried-out wooden building.
You… you can laugh like that now, thinking of someone else, not me. You.
“No matter what happened, he would always come to find me, check how I was doing… even if I was harsh, he would stay by my side without flinching. No matter how much I pushed him away, he stayed by my side, and then… I suddenly saw him.”
“…”
“We’ve been dating for about half a year. Youngwoo confessed first, but… it was my choice to accept.”
“…”
“Yoon-ah.”
The call was still affectionate, but Ha Joyoon couldn’t think of a single word to say, like an idiot. His mind was spinning, and he barely held onto a thread of sanity. Although his mind understood Kang Taejung’s words, his heart couldn’t accept a single letter of it. My God, what am I hearing right now? Ha Joyoon roughly rubbed his cheeks, screaming in shock internally.
“…I don’t quite understand what you mean.”
He tried to sound calm, but his voice trembled so badly he could barely pronounce a single word properly. Seeing Ha Joyoon visibly shaken, Kang Taejung half-rose with concern in his eyes.
“Yoon-ah.”
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
His voice, now devoid of any warmth, was hysterical. His rapid breathing heated the air. With bloodshot eyes, Ha Joyoon stared at his changed lover, hiding his trembling hands under the table. He couldn’t bear Taejung’s expression, which seemed like he had made a decision. The words that told him he was no longer his lover were hard to believe. Desperately, he asked the unresponsive man.
“Are you going to keep dating him? Even though I’ve returned?”
“…”
“Taejung.”
The man, who had turned his head halfway, grimaced in pain. Ha Joyoon desperately searched for any signs of hope in Kang Taejung’s subtle expressions, but as time passed, only an unnamed despair grew in volume. Just before the pain could overwhelm him, he gritted his teeth and shook his head. This isn’t how it should be. Not like this.
“Yoon-ah.”
A voice filled with ominousness rang out low. An expression of firm will appeared on Kang Taejung’s face. Ha Joyoon knew this face well. Whenever he wore this expression, his lover would always push forward with his will like an unwavering ox. And following his intuition, a harsh ultimatum was delivered.
“Yoon-ah, Youngwoo isn’t someone I would meet only because you’re gone, or drop when you come back. That’s not right.”
“…”
A dull, rusted blade cut into his flesh. Ha Joyoon buried his face in his hands and took a deep, desperate breath. No tears came, and he was glad for that, not showing an ugly side. However, a tsunami rising from an abyss without even a hint of color engulfed his heart. Unchecked resentment flowed with the waves, and wild anger clawed at his heart. He couldn’t understand a single word Kang Taejung was saying to him. This was not the situation or the answer he had wanted. He clung to him with a trembling voice.
“Then what about me?”
“…”
“What about our relationship?”
“…”
“Are you saying we should break up? Tell me straight.”
The raw, direct question without any detour visibly hardened Kang Taejung’s face. His unrefined, impatient tone pressed him.
“Please tell me.”
He bit down hard, attacking with each distinct word, but the one wounded and bleeding was Ha Joyoon himself. The more he spoke, the wider the wounds from the blade opened, revealing the ghastly inner self with a mocking laugh.
Meanwhile, the background music changed to a song by an unknown singer, and the café was filled with someone’s laughter and conversation. However, amidst the tense atmosphere where no one could speak carelessly, a strange phone ringtone broke the silence. Both sets of eyes turned to the source of the noise.
The caller’s identity was easily seen since the phone was on the table. The name on the screen flickered dizzily. Seo Youngwoo. Thinking it was an incredible timing, Ha Joyoon pressed his fingertips to his eyes. Unlike his cooling heart, a surge of heat rose to his face.
“You changed your ringtone?”
Kang Taejung’s ringtone was still the same, but the ring sound had changed. Perhaps he hadn’t changed the ringtone because he didn’t even recognize their song anymore. What had he expected, what had he reminisced about? Time always embellishes, decorates, and changes memories, and sometimes the dulled blade of idealized memories can inflict fatal wounds, hadn’t he known this?
“…It’s been too long.”
The ringing sound, which was deafening his ears, showed no sign of quieting down over time. As Kang Taejung had described him as persistent, the one who called must have strong patience and no sense of giving up. So, he must have filled the void that had been solid for thirty-one years between Taejung and himself, like that-
“Don’t answer it.”
He spoke while his eyes were fixed on the phone. Black despair was nibbling at Joyoon bit by bit.
“Yoon-ah.”
“Please don’t answer it.”
A look of difficulty crossed Kang Taejung’s face. As if understanding his wavering heart, the small device vibrated insistently, asserting its presence. Swallowing dryly, Ha Joyoon repeated, “Don’t answer it.” His voice came out pathetically. His pathetic and wretched feelings swelled, weighing him down. Kang Taejung, watching Ha Joyoon, was also not at ease.
He didn’t want to hurt someone who had been in his heart for so long in this way. But now, the person by his side was Seo Youngwoo, not Ha Joyoon. This was someone who had endlessly looked after him when he was living in despair after Ha Joyoon’s disappearance. Knowing Seo Youngwoo’s feelings for him, he was always quick to cut them off harshly, ignoring sincere confessions and often wounding him with harsh words. Even now, looking back, it was a cruel time that first brought feelings of regret and guilt.
Remembering Seo Youngwoo, who had been anxious just days ago about possibly hearing about a breakup, Kang Taejung realized he had to ‘choose’ now. Without knowing what kind of lifelong pain this choice might bring.
“I’m sorry.”
As the heavy decision was announced, Joyoon’s eyes, filled with a myriad of emotions, visibly trembled. Kang Taejung’s heart also sank heavily as he looked at him. The responsibility of the choice wrapped around him like a vine. Taejung turned away from Joyoon’s delicate face and finally pressed the call button. An immediately familiar voice came through.
— Hyung, where are you?
With the bright voice, Kang Taejung turned his gaze away and tried to respond casually.
“Outside.”
— Did you get off work?
“Yeah, just now.”
— I just finished work too. Where are you now?
“I’m meeting someone for a bit.”
— Who?
“Just… someone I know.”
— …
“…”
Both the person on the phone and the one in front of him fell silent at his response. The eyes looking straight at him quickly filled with sadness and surprise. Overwhelmed by those emotions, Kang Taejung closed his eyes to avoid them. His cowardly, petty self was clearly reflected in Ha Joyoon’s eyes.
— Let’s meet now, I’ve just gotten off work.
“Now? Youngwoo…”
— Hyung, I have something really important to talk about. I want to meet now.
“I’m in the middle of a conversation right now.”
— Please. Hyung. Come to me.
The pleading voice tightened his grip on the phone. Youngwoo was sharp and quick to notice. By not asking again who he was with, Seo Youngwoo might have guessed the current situation. After a moment of hesitation, Kang Taejung made another choice.
“…Okay, I’ll come now.”
With that short reply, the call ended. And then he faced the choice from the past, looking at him with eyes full of disbelief.
“Yoon-ah, I’m sorry. I think I should go now.”
“…”
“Yoon-ah.”
“Someone you know?”
At the repeated question, Kang Taejung’s shoulders stiffened. Someone you know? The voice whispering again had no strength left. Betrayal and sorrow mixed to draw a long trace. Silent pain flowed down Ha Joyoon’s dry cheeks, following that trace. The tears fell, soaking his cheeks and chin mercilessly.
“Am I just someone you know to you now?”
“…”
“I’m sorry, Taejung. I know this is pathetic, but… I’m not ready to break up with you. I can’t imagine it.”
“Yoon-ah.”
The venom lying at the bottom of his heart mixed with his tears and came out. His clenched fists trembled like a sick person’s. The one who had always stood one step away from emotions, indifferent, was no more. He was just one of the many ordinary people going through a breakup. Thus, Ha Joyoon lost himself in the mire of emotions.
“Go.”
“…”
“Yeah, go… You’re being waited for… But I can’t end things with you like this…. I just can’t… Taejung, let’s meet later.”
“Yoon-ah!”
“You and I, we’ve been together since we were born until now…. We… this isn’t how it should be. Just like you needed time, I need time and a chance too…”
Without even thinking of hiding his trembling hands, Ha Joyoon continued with difficulty.
“If I wasn’t such a worthless person to you… don’t be this cruel to me.”
“…”
“I’ll go first. I don’t have the strength to let you go today…. I’ll contact you later. Please answer when I do…”
After pouring out his words unilaterally, he abruptly stood up. Dizziness came over him, but he gritted his teeth and endured it. Seeing him stumble, Kang Taejung finally remembered the reason for Ha Joyoon’s disappearance for the past five years. A gunshot wound during the war, and a long period of unconsciousness. Realizing this, Taejung turned pale and instinctively stood up.
“Yoon-ah, your body…”
His hand reaching out towards him stopped mid-air. Joyoon’s eyes, looking down at the hand that couldn’t touch him, quickly lost their light.
“Don’t force yourself to worry…. From the moment you walked in here until now, you haven’t cared about me.”
“…”
“I’m leaving.”
With a twisted smile, Ha Joyoon turned away coldly.
A moment came where no further conversation was possible. It was a parting that resembled paleness. One of them walked out of the café following silent footsteps. And the man who had been watching his back lowered his head to hide his pain. Soon, a scream-like breath escaped.
After a while, Taejung slowly stood up. In the path Ha Joyoon had walked, as he left the café, there was no longer any sign of hesitation.
Here is the translation of the text into English:
His hand, which was about to close the car door and start the engine, paused.
“Haah…”
A deep sigh mixed with the night air. The clock inside the car blinked, indicating the time. Before he knew it, a new day had begun, well into the morning. Even if he hurried home now, he would only get one or two hours of sleep before having to head out again.
Although he should have left immediately, Taejung only breathed heavily, without moving a finger. In the dim alley, the only light was from the crimson street lamps. Through the window, the light faintly illuminated his face, revealing it piece by piece.
After some time had passed, Kang Taejung finally covered his eyes with his arm, leaned the seat back, and let his body relax. The tension he had felt all afternoon suddenly gave way to exhaustion.
— Hyung, thanks for coming. Was I being too stubborn? I’m sorry, I was just suddenly so anxious. I’m not usually like this… it seems like I can’t help it with you. Maybe it’s because I’m not confident with you.
Seo Youngwoo, embracing Kang Taejung who had come to see him, poured out his inner thoughts. With all the anxiety, worry, and lingering feelings so palpable, Taejung patted his slightly smaller frame, trying to hide his heavy heart with a smile.
— And what about me?
— Me. Our relationship?
Why was that?
Accepting Seo Youngwoo’s confession was possible because he had already made a conclusion about Ha Joyoon. He had accepted his death and decided to start anew. Or even if he hadn’t died, he concluded they could no longer maintain a normal relationship. However…
— Are you saying we should break up? Tell me straight.
His lips, which had been firmly closed, slightly trembled. Although his heart had concluded with separation, completely ended, he still couldn’t answer that question in the end. Saying he had no lingering feelings would be a lie. If he wasn’t sad, if he wasn’t glad that Joyoon had returned safely, if he wasn’t happy, all of that would be lies too.
But Kang Taejung was exhausted from Ha Joyoon’s unilateral decisions and selfishness that had lasted so long. A relationship with an unclear future had always made him anxious and pitiful.
Above all, what scared Taejung the most was the impact Ha Joyoon’s absence had on him over the past five years. That time was more horrific and painful than he had imagined, and he never wanted to experience it again.
Perhaps if he had answered that question about breaking up properly, it would have been the end. He knew Joyoon’s nature better than anyone.
Perhaps…
Overwhelmed by self-loathing, Taejung covered his face completely with both hands. He was aware that by avoiding the final, decisive choice, he had left room for possibilities. Thus, he had to admit his cowardice.
I told you that you need time and a chance.
But I still need time too. To completely cut you out of my life and let you go.
❄
“So, you’re still alive in this world, really.”
“I didn’t die.”
When he answered glumly, the other’s laughter grew louder.
“I thought you were dead. You really are immortal. Why does your face look like that?”
“No, I’m just tired.”
“You’re completely worn out, totally gone.”
The woman’s laughter, while she propped her chin with one hand, was clear like pearls. Under the bright light, her sophisticated appearance sparkled.
“Sung Jina talked about you a lot. She said you helped a lot. I’m really grateful.”
Sung Jina, who was also an alumna from the same university, was a reporter for the international department of a famous national newspaper, known for her strong character and sociability, boasting a wide network. She was always one of the people Ha Joyoon was grateful for, taking care of him who only maintained minimal human relationships with his characteristic indifference.
“Ha Joyoon has become quite the person. Even though he used to be all ‘meh’ about everything, he came to say thanks and even bought me a meal.”
“…Did I do that?”
“What do you mean ‘did I do that’? When did you ever care about people other than photography?”
“…”
It was a familiar reaction. Not just from Sung Jina, but most people Ha Joyoon had met since returning home had similar responses.
As time passed and he met more people, Joyoon realized he needed to reflect on how he had lived his life. Even though he did things that required caring for people, he always had to endure feedback like this. It was the result of not communicating properly and running away from fear and uncertainty. Was the way he lived in the past, blindly chasing and desiring only one thing, really right? With a sense of melancholy, his pale complexion grew even more downcast. Recognizing this fleeting emotion, Sung Jina raised one eyebrow.
“Quiet? Your energy seems totally drained.”
“I must have lived wrongly all this time…”
“Did you change after coming back from the dead? Your charm, which was already lacking, seems to have hit rock bottom.”
“…”
“What a dull response. This is when you should be crushed for it to be fun.”
Joyoon recalled Ha Junghye’s words about how Sung Jina was one of the people who helped out the most after his disappearance. Although he couldn’t see the atmosphere his sister had mentioned in her playful, finger-pointing laughter, he knew it wasn’t all there was to see. Sometimes, what appears isn’t everything, just like with Shin Kwonjoo.
Thinking about that incident, Ha Joyoon blinked, letting out a deflated laugh. The afternoon sunlight encouraged a sense of languor.