WOP Ch 1.8
by soapa“Close the door.”
“What? Yes…”
“See you the day after tomorrow.”
There was no time for farewells. As soon as the door closed, the vehicle quickly disappeared. It was in the blink of an eye.
A foolish groan filled the space left behind.
“…”
Ha Joyoon, who stood with his hand still in the air, shifted his gaze to the alley where Shin Kwonjoo had vanished. Although the now empty street appeared as it normally did, an inexplicable loneliness hung heavily in the air.
Unidentifiable emotions scattered sporadically. The scent of skin mixed with cigarette smoke, which had stayed beside him during the whole commotion, had long since dissipated. Ha Joyoon, who had been chasing after the remnants of the scent for a while, finally turned and began to walk.
Even though it hadn’t been a day since he left home, the memories of the morning seemed distant, as if several days had passed. His entire body felt feverish. He hadn’t thought to change his shoes, so watery footprints followed him along the asphalt road. It looked silly and pathetic. Feeling like a mess, Joyoon shrugged his heavy shoulders. Ha-ha. A low chuckle echoed through the dark night alley.
Tap.
Tap.
His slow footsteps came to a complete stop when he spotted a silhouette standing in front of his house.
A person standing under a flickering streetlight, as if nailed to the spot. Ha Joyoon knew this man better than anyone. It would have been strange not to recognize him. He had never once doubted that this person, who had shared his dreams of forever, would leave his side.
The dim light cast dark shadows on Kang Taejung’s handsome face. Taejung’s hardened expression alone explained everything—why he was here and what he was about to say.
“Taejung.”
Holding his crumbling heart together, Ha Joyoon forced a weak smile with the remaining strength he had. The predictable situation caused fear to rise in his throat.
“Yoon-ah.”
Spotting Ha Joyoon approaching from afar, Kang Taejung detached himself from the wall and took a step forward. His resolute eyes, showing determination, were sad. In this moment, Joyoon hated that he could read Taejung’s feelings so well.
Today was full of events. My physical condition is terrible, and I’m so tired that I could fall asleep instantly if I lay down. The persistent headache all day seems to be eating away at me. I think I’ll get scolded if I go to the hospital this time. Oh, by the way, did you know? The doctor in charge at the hospital turned out to be our high school classmate…
Lost in disjointed thoughts, Ha Joyoon stood still, waiting for Taejung to come to him. The time of patience was short. Determined, Kang Taejung took long strides closer.
The cool night breeze gently caressed his cheeks. Soon, only a step’s distance remained between them. But neither made a move to close the gap. Joyoon raised his head to look at his lover. Taejung, standing a head taller, looked down at him with an unfamiliar expression.
“I tried calling, but you didn’t answer. I sent messages, but there was no reply. I thought I could meet you if I came here.”
At the words, eerily similar to what he’d said a few days ago, Ha Joyoon stopped rummaging through his pockets and smiled momentarily. The fragility on his face appeared and disappeared as if it would vanish at any moment.
“I lost my phone while at the site.”
“I see.”
He doesn’t ask why I lost it. Maybe he doesn’t even care. Ha Joyoon continued the conversation with an awkward smile.
“How long have you been waiting? But it’s nice to see you like this…”
“I just got here.”
With no room for further conversation, Joyoon awkwardly laughed again.
“I see…”
The conversation remained superficial, with neither of them able to say what they truly wanted. His hot palm rubbed the cold nape of his neck. He didn’t know if he was shivering from a fever or chills, but he didn’t expect any reaction from Taejung.
Looking at my pathetic self, you no longer ask anything. The meaning is so clear, it’s as if you’re telling me that your feelings for me only go this far…
Taejung, I don’t know what to do anymore.
“Why did you come?”
Ha Joyoon, who had been staring at his wet shoe tips, broke the silence first.
“I have something to say.”
Even though he’d longed for this meeting and conversation, he felt no joy. Joyoon, with anxious hands, repeatedly rubbed his cheeks and shook his head.
“What is it? Do you have to say it now? Can’t we talk next time? I’m not feeling well today…”
“It has to be today.”
His plea was met with a firm response. An uneasy premonition was always dead on. Faced with the possibility of an end, Ha Joyoon chose avoidance and denial. With weak steps, he took a step back. Today, he didn’t have the courage to look at Taejung’s face.
“Can’t we just do it later? I’m too tired…”
“Yoon-ah.”
“…”
“It’ll only take a moment.”
As if struggling to find the words, Kang Taejung called Ha Joyoon’s name several times, making eye contact and looking away. Seeing Taejung’s pained expression, Joyoon’s heart crumbled further.
“Why do you look at me like that… Have I made things difficult for you again?”
Am I causing you this much pain? Am I no longer someone who makes you smile? Are you no longer happy to see me?
Tears that he’d held back for so long finally streamed down his cheeks. Seeing this, Kang Taejung also covered his eyes with one hand and lowered his head. He had foreseen what Taejung was about to say. The distance that had grown during their time apart had become a silent chasm between them.
“I’m sorry.”
Taejung was the first to speak in a tone tainted with bitterness.
“For what?”
“…”
“What are you sorry for? Why do you keep apologizing…?”
Despite the repeated questions, the only response was an endless, meaningless apology. As they grew weary of the empty apologies, Kang Taejung spoke a word that neither of them had ever considered in their past, when they were each other’s everything.
“I think we need to end this.”
“…”
“I kept avoiding you, but that didn’t solve anything. I lacked the courage. I’m sorry.”
Ha Joyoon, as if not understanding, took a step closer to his lover. Meanwhile, tears quietly flowed. Yoon-ah. The gentle yet now cruelest voice in the world called Ha Joyoon. Taejung, after much contemplation, looked resolutely at the one standing before him, once dearly loved, cherished, and truly precious.
“As I said before…”
“…”
“I can’t abandon Youngwoo now. I’ve done too much wrong by him. He must have suffered a lot because of me. We both have been apart for a long time, too much time has passed to act purely on emotions.”
“So what?”
His intermittent breathing stopped. Absolute silence descended. The black night was driven in by a strong wind. It was a color resembling despair. No voice could be heard. He could only guess the words by the movement of Taejung’s lips.
Drip. Drip. Water droplets from his still damp hair flowed down his cheeks and fell to the ground. Drop by drop, they seemed to form a vast swamp ready to swallow him whole. Soon, a sharp blade struck his neck.
“Let’s… break up.”
“…”
“I want to end this.”
Instead of answering, Joyoon blankly stared at his lover’s face. He saw a man too weak to even look at him.
“Why?”
A flickering light cast a precarious glow on his trembling movements.
“Why?”
“…”
“Is it because of my job?”
“…”
“Is it because I’m selfish? Because I’m obsessed with photography?”
To his sorrowful questions, only a cold silence answered. Unable to bear the silence, Ha Joyoon shook his head roughly. His gradually moistened pale eyes reflected thirty-one years of age, being a man—nothing mattered anymore. Tears streamed down relentlessly, burning his skin. His aching heart felt like it was being pummeled by violence. He couldn’t believe it.
“I can change… right?”
“…”
“Can’t we not break up…?”
“Yoon-ah.”
“Huh? If I… try harder, will it be okay? I won’t do anything you hate anymore. Taejung, please?”
“Yoon-ah…”
Barely managing to hold onto his slipping consciousness, Ha Joyoon quietly wiped his cheeks. Like a child, huge tears fell helplessly. The fact that Kang Taejung said those words made it even harder to believe and more painful. His firm determination made it clear that they weren’t ending because of a proper breakup, it was a desperate plea that was no longer effective. He was terrified and couldn’t bear it. Stifling his gasping heart, Joyoon begged in a trembling voice.
“Because of this, I’ve realized a lot too…”
“…”
“I won’t go to dangerous places anymore… I’m planning to settle down in Korea…”
“…”
“I promise I’ll adapt to you and never do anything risky like this again…”
“…”
“Can’t we start over…?”
“…”
“Taejung… please?”
As if knowing it was an impossible promise, Kang Taejung sadly shook his head. The more futile his pleas became, the more silence continued, and Joyoon’s voice gradually mixed with sobs and faded away.
Taejung. Taejung.
His voice clinging like a child’s echoed hollowly through the alley. Kang Taejung, listening to Joyoon’s desperate plea with a pained expression, tightly grasped the hand that weakly held onto his clothes. Yoon-ah. A voice tinged with pain called his former lover.
“I can’t wait for you anymore. …It’s a separate matter from my feelings for you. The despair and pain from the past five years were enough. You must have struggled, but I was in so much pain too. I can’t stand the anxiety of worrying that something might happen to you. I don’t want to resent you, nor do I want to ask you to give up photography, which you love. If that’s the case, then I think letting you go is the right thing to do.”
“Taejung…”
“Just as I was loyal to you before, now I want to be loyal to Youngwoo instead.”
At the mention of the familiar yet unfamiliar name, all movements seemed to freeze. The name Kang Taejung uttered of another pierced Ha Joyoon’s heart unbearably. He couldn’t believe his lover’s cold actions. Why do you keep saying such things? The one saying those cruel words couldn’t be the lover he cherished.
“Why do you keep saying that, Taejung… I don’t want to break up with you… I can’t…”
“…….”
“I was wrong… I was wrong….”
Ha Joyoon, desperately searching every part of his face for even a sliver of hope, made Taejung’s heart ache, but it couldn’t shake his resolve to end the relationship. Squeezing his eyes shut, Kang Taejung drove the final nail into the heart of the one he had loved.
“I’m sorry.”
With that last apology, Taejung turned away. His determined back clearly conveyed his will to completely sever their relationship. Joyoon felt a sense of urgency due to fear rising within her. The increasing physical distance between them seemed like the end of their relationship.
“Taejung!”
No matter how urgently she called, Taejung’s steps forward did not stop. Tears flowed uncontrollably.
“Taejung, Taejung…”
Joyoon chased after her lover in a frenzy. No matter how desperately she called his name, the distance did not close. As she was about to lose consciousness from the overwhelming headache and nausea, she suddenly remembered someone’s words.
‘If you can’t forget, ask to stay as sex partners at least.’
‘I’ve said it before, if you’re not in a situation to meet someone new, why not try staying as partners? It might be quite effective.’
It was crazy talk. She knew it was garbage advice not worth considering seriously. It was something she shouldn’t even mention, worse than any bodily excretion. But she had no cards left to hold onto Kang Taejung. She had given nothing, had no right to cling to him.
Ha Joyoon, picking up speed, urgently grabbed Kang Taejung’s arm as he was about to leave the alley.
“Let go of this.”
“Taejung, Taejung… just a moment, Taejung…”
“Yoon-ah. Please stop.”
“If it’s separate from emotion… are there any emotions left?”
Kang Taejung’s eyes filled with doubt at the faint words that escaped between her spasming lips.
“Yoon-ah, that’s…”
“If there’s even a little left… with me…”
Hanging onto his muscular arm, Ha Joyoon, without even thinking to wipe away her streaming tears, voiced her desperate plea.
“With me… do you want to sleep?”
“…What?”
His thick eyebrows arched dramatically in disbelief and shock. However, Ha Joyoon lacked the clarity to fully grasp Kang Taejung’s reaction.
If she didn’t say something, they would really part ways. It felt like Kang Taejung would truly leave her side. The foolish thought of holding onto him physically seized her mind like a drug.
With ragged breaths, Joyoon clung to the words that came to her mind. Her hands gripping his arm trembled convulsively, as did her pale lips.
“With me… if you sleep…”
—!
A sharp sound of air tearing was followed by her small face being violently turned. Before she could identify the source of the burning pain, red heat spread across one cheek. The pain was so intense it seemed to explain what had just happened.
For a moment, she heard nothing.
Ring- Ring-
A siren-like tinnitus filled the silence that blocked out all other sounds. Without time to be stunned by the sudden silence, Taejung cornered Ha Joyoon. Her weakened body slammed against the wall. A silent scream echoed in her mind.
“How… how could you say such a thing?”
“…….”
“How!!”
His anguished roar struck her ears like thunder. Her shoulders ached as if they might break, and her trembling body felt like even her soul had turned to trash. When she looked up, Kang Taejung’s face was also streaked with tears. His pained look was so poignant that Ha Joyoon, forgetting her own tears, reached out toward him.
“Taejung…”
I’m sorry. I was so trash. I wasn’t in my right mind because I didn’t want to break up… The feelings that couldn’t be put into words rose to her lips.
“Taejung, I’m sorry… I was wrong…”
“…….”
“I’m sorry… don’t cry… okay? I was wrong…”
But her next step didn’t reach him.
Slap-!
A harsh hand slapped away Joyoon’s outstretched hand. The alley around them was silent as if doused with ice water. The red mark on her pale skin signaled the end of their relationship.
“You…”
“Taejung…”
“You’ve really become pathetic.”
Joyoon’s every attempt to cling to him stopped at the contempt in his voice.
“…….”
After a moment of swallowing silence, Kang Taejung looked at Ha Joyoon with cold, emotionless eyes, showing nothing but disgust for someone he once loved. After a while, the ultimatum came.
“Let’s break up.”
Her hand, which had been frozen in mid-air, slowly fell through an eternity. In her now-empty eyes, she saw her lover no longer loving her.
Each step up the old wooden stairs announced the passage of time with creaks. In the darkness where everyone was asleep, the slow sounds left faint water marks like scars. Creak, creak. The labored sound of the day sang an old song to comfort someone’s weary heart. The hand gripping the railing had no strength left.
Thud.
Ha Joyoon, entering the room, fumbled through the darkness to press the switch on the wall. Light filled the space where not even a single star had shone, revealing his lifeless face. Standing blankly, his gaze slowly scanned the room before stopping somewhere. A faint light passed over his pupils, where his soul seemed extinguished.
…
After a silence like death, Joyoon moved his tired feet. He soon reached a cabinet where the things he had uniquely loved were chaotically mixed. Numerous catalogs, clippings from articles, developed photos, cameras, lenses, and Kang Taejung.
Kang Taejung.
There were countless letters, gifts, photos taken together, clothes, and items he had received from him.
Joyoon began to take these items out one by one with trembling hands. As time passed, his movements grew colder and more rigid. The items sorted automatically scattered across the floor. On one side were all things related to photography, on the other, everything related to Taejung. His lowered eyelashes convulsed spasmodically.
Thud! Thud!!
At first, he was careful, but as time went on, the act of dropping them grew more violent as his emotions couldn’t withstand the outburst.
Thud!! A framed photo of them with arms around each other rolled across the floor.
Thud!! Film rolls and memory cards were similarly tossed aside. Letters were crumpled, photos scattered. The mess was like his tattered heart. His lips, bitten to keep from screaming, turned red as if they might burst.
‘I shouldn’t have come back.’
A voice, sounding just like his own, berated him. Thick catalogs littered the floor.
‘It should have ended there.’
Clothes imbued with familiar scents were thrown together.
‘From the very beginning, it was the wrong path. If you can’t do anything right, you should have given up.’
Small films fell indiscriminately.
‘Even if just for memories, at that place…!’
His hands, frantically rummaging through everything, suddenly stopped. His fingers, tensed with effort, trembled. Below them, a half-creased photo made its presence known. The photograph on the rectangular print showed a child’s face in close-up. Although stained in places, it captured dark brown skin, large doe-like eyes, and a smile like a flower.
“…….”
Tears flowed silently, cutting paths down both cheeks.
I know this child.
Joyoon murmured to himself as he stared at the photo.
I know this child. And I remember that moment.
The child’s hijab was her mother’s. Refusing her own tattered one, the child ran to her mother with small steps to sweetly beg for her red hijab. The old mother, weary from the constant flight and brushes with death, kissed her daughter’s shin tenderly and willingly wrapped her own hijab around her daughter. The prepared child spoke in an unfamiliar language.
[Please take just one photo.]
Nodding, he began to capture the child’s enchanting face. Attracted by the shutter sounds, other children gathered around. Take a picture of me too! Make me look cool! Their excited voices bore no trace of the countless days and nights filled with the scent of death that had terrified them. The expressions on the children’s faces varied; some smiled brightly, some made faces to look handsome, and others lifted their chins to appear pretty.
They must have laughed for a long time. And a few minutes later, government shelling began, and the first child photographed was instantly killed. The child’s death was recorded only in the photos he had taken. The scene where life was butchered. Joyoon could not leave that place for a long time.
After a while, his knees, barely holding him up, gave way. His strengthless body collapsed onto the chaotic floor.
Huu- ugh-
Ahh-
Finally, unable to hold back, sobs escaped through clenched teeth. His back, bent over, heaved with ragged breaths. Tears dotted the scattered photos.
Love has ended.
Half of his life was torn out raw.
They had been lovers for eight years. No, counting the time he was unconscious, it was thirteen years. Since they were born together, the time they had known each other was thirty-one years. His only friend and lover. He believed they would be together for life. But the end of thirty-one years of love was so easy, so futile.
Yet, despite that, the child’s smile remained in the photo. Only the photo did not leave his side. Until the moment life ended, he had to record someone’s life. It was sad, happy, wretched, grateful, and painful, and in the end, not knowing what he was thinking, Ha Joyoon buried his face in the floor and cried aloud for a long time. While writhing in agony that felt like death, he wished for all emotions to end. He hoped to forget everything this way, to stand up again.
Someone returned home with difficulty, someone suffered in madness, and in the deep night when someone slept, only the gentle moonlight passing through the window gently comforted the lonely, sobbing back. As they passed the intersection, the gap in their lives was widening, and their times were passing by.
❄
The view outside was filled with the scent of an autumn deepening. One season, having lived through its glorious time, was ending, and another was welcoming the remaining time.
“This exhibition was a real hit.”
A woman with red-framed glasses stretched her arm long over the partition.
“It was a success.”
“Wasn’t it worth it then? Wasn’t it good?”
Voices of agreement from other employees followed her words from here and there. Seo Youngwoo, who had been staring at the monitor, nodded as he took a sip of the coffee he had just brought. The afternoon lethargy in the event planning team gradually dissipated with the excited comments.
“Yes, there were many beautiful photos.”
“How is the project going with TPA?”
The assistant manager next to him asked. Hmm, Seo Youngwoo frowned for a moment, flipping through the calendar with his eyes. Suddenly, troublesome matters came to mind.
“It’s not going well. We talked about it last month, but it looks like we need to set a detailed schedule. We also need to meet with the headquarters manager next month. Before that, we should ask for cooperation from the Korean branch. It might be good to select photos related to Korean history first… but I’m not sure yet. Assistant Manager Min has been adjusting the schedule.”
His hand tapping the desk with a pen grew rougher. Planning a meaningful and valuable event was always satisfying despite the hard process. The photo exhibition with Weiton Communications held this year was one such event. The exhibition, which encompassed all historical records from World War I to the present, was anticipated to be a success even before it started. Having been involved from the initial planning under the leadership of the team leader, it was particularly dear to him, resulting in a rewarding outcome that garnered much attention.
Since the photo exhibition was successful, the company’s follow-up actions were strong. Due to the relentless drive of the team leader, who was under pressure from the company’s expectations, Seo Youngwoo found himself involved in planning photo exhibitions for all three major communications companies, and he couldn’t easily decide whether to be happy or distressed about the situation.
TPA Communications.
The oldest existing news agency with a principle of accurate reporting.
…And the place where that man worked.
Of course, there was no chance of actually meeting him, but even the thought of it was uncomfortable and something he wanted to avoid.
“Still, there were many good photos. I don’t know much about photos, but… I felt a lot while preparing for this.”
“Well, because everyone does their best in their respective fields. The journalists who cover dangerous scenes are really admirable.”
As the conversation resumed, Seo Youngwoo recalled the work he did selecting photos for the exhibition. Although he didn’t play a major role, it was a great opportunity to see photographs carrying decades of history. However, even such masterpieces could be records of history made possible only through the patience and sacrifice of those around them.
With a fleeting thought, his previously calm face crumpled. Along with that, someone’s face came to mind. Someone selfish and irresponsible who had left behind even the most precious person for just one photo.
His grip on the pen tightened. His twisted face revealed the soot of his inner self, exposing the fire of hatred that had ignited within him.
Seo Youngwoo had tried to justify his anger and anxiety as natural emotions to protect the person he loved, but he also knew that it wasn’t entirely Ha Joyoon’s fault. However, what the mind knows and what the heart accepts are different matters. This hatred was a distorted form of emotion directed at only one person. Love can sometimes become selfish, blind, and foolish. Until his colleague announced it was lunchtime, Seo Youngwoo wandered through the river of confusion regarding his dual feelings about Ha Joyoon.
“Hyung!”
A call full of joy made the tall man leaning against the lobby pillar look up. With his well-tailored suit and handsome appearance, Kang Taejung, visible through the crowd, brought a smile to Seo Youngwoo’s face like a blooming flower.
The most outstanding and cool person. My lover. The feeling of elation and pride made his steps towards him lighter. Kang Taejung also saw Seo Youngwoo and waved with a smile. If they weren’t at the company, he would have run to kiss him.
Seo Youngwoo rushed over and playfully grabbed Kang Taejung’s arm. His solid body staggered momentarily from the momentum.
“What brings you here?”
“I was out on fieldwork nearby. I thought it might match your off time, so I contacted you.”
“Wow, hyung. I’m really happy right now.”
His unhidden laughter was evident in his eyes and at the corners of his lips. Since receiving the text that Kang Taejung was waiting in the lobby, he hadn’t been able to focus on work even for a minute. It was the first time Kang Taejung had come to his company. It was just an ordinary evening meeting, but for Seo Youngwoo, it held more significance than a simple promise.
“What’s so good?”
“It’s just all good. This is the first time you’ve come to my company.”
With Seo Youngwoo’s continuous cheering, Kang Taejung scratched his cheek, looking slightly embarrassed.
“Have I been that inattentive?”
Kang Taejung’s eyes, looking at him, were somehow dark and subdued, but he never showed it outwardly. Seeing Seo Youngwoo so thrilled even with such a brief meeting, Kang Taejung felt as if his remaining guilt was being exposed to the world, stripped bare. Was he so inattentive, so harsh?
But such thoughts didn’t linger long. His unsettled heart once again lost its destination and wandered aimlessly. The well of emotions he had endlessly drawn from for one person had long shown its bottom. He was sorry, so very sorry to Seo Youngwoo, who came to him when he was so dry, with nothing left. He was a kind, beautiful person to him.
“Youngwoo.”
Even though he couldn’t properly hold his hand in public, Taejung called his lover’s name softly, with as much heart as possible. As if understanding his sincerity, Seo Youngwoo’s expression became very serious.
“I was very sorry. I’ll do better from now on.”
“Hyung…”
Taejung…
For a moment, the voice he missed overlaid, and his stiff cheeks trembled slightly. Inevitably, Ha Joyoon came to mind again.
Our end was a disaster. He had never thought of such an ending, but ultimately, a breakup was just a breakup. He had to say harsh words to survive after seeing the side of the other he didn’t want to see – a final moment he didn’t want to remember. The end between him and Joyoon was so insignificant and pitiful.
Days had passed, but when he fell asleep, the image of Joyoon, with his cheeks swollen and crying miserably, often came to mind as if it were yesterday. Did I have to react that way? Such self-loathing and regret stained days that repeated like a treadmill. As thoughts chased each other to the bottom, Seo Youngwoo, who had been quietly watching Kang Taejung, pulled his arm.
“I’m happy just because hyung came to me after leaving everything behind.”
“…Yeah.”
“By the way, do you have any plans for tonight?”
Kang Taejung, checking the time on his watch, silently shook his head.
“No, not yet. I just came to see you.”
“Then, can I stay over at your officetel tonight?”
It was a question with a highly intimate intent. He wasn’t so dull as to not know what the other was hoping for. Sometimes, Seo Youngwoo would cling to the idea of sleeping together as a means to express his feelings to Kang Taejung. Despite Kang Taejung’s awkward smile, he nodded, forcibly pushing aside the lingering images of Ha Joyoon.
“Sure.”
“What’s today? Hyung agreed so quickly without any hesitation. I’ll have to serve you well tonight.”
Seo Youngwoo’s voice rose a notch with the meaning of permission.
“Youngwoo, you…”
As Kang Taejung looked around, unable to hide his bewilderment, the grip on his arm tightened. As he slightly bent forward, Seo Youngwoo brought his face close to his ear with a playful expression.
“I’ll give it my all.”
With a mischievous whisper, a look of awkwardness appeared on his handsome, previously stiff face. Laughing out loud enough to echo through the lobby, Seo Youngwoo genuinely felt happy in this moment with Kang Taejung.
When he opened his eyes, it was in the dead of night when all sounds of the world were asleep. Only after his arm reached out to the side and found no one did Seo Youngwoo open his heavy eyelids. The man who had been holding him just hours ago was nowhere to be found, only the rumpled sheets remained. Overcome by sudden anxiety, he tried to sit up abruptly, but then he noticed a dim light coming through a slightly ajar door. Hearing rustling noises from outside, he realized Kang Taejung was in the living room and let out a sigh of relief.
Thud-
After slipping on a carelessly discarded T-shirt, he quietly closed the bedroom door and stepped out. There was no need to look far; his lover was indeed sitting on the living room couch, looking at something. He probably kept the lights low to not wake him. With a slight smile at his considerate kindness, Seo Youngwoo gently tapped the wall he was leaning against.
“Hyung.”
Startled by the sudden presence, Kang Taejung’s head quickly lifted.
“Youngwoo.”
Even the way he said his name showed surprise.
“What are you looking at that made you so startled? It’s not something weird, is it?”
Sitting down beside him with a playful heart, Seo Youngwoo’s expression stiffened upon seeing the catalog in Kang Taejung’s hands. Kang Taejung also revealed his trembling emotion at the sight.
“Were you looking at the photo catalog since dawn?”
Swallowing his bitterness, Seo Youngwoo forced a smile. What Kang Taejung held was the catalog from the Weiton Communications photo exhibition that Seo Youngwoo had been involved in planning this quarter. It was just an ordinary catalog with some of the displayed photos printed, but seeing it unsettled Seo Youngwoo’s heart. Thus, this feeling was entirely born from his own anxiety, fearing that Kang Taejung might reminisce about that person while looking at the exhibition, or perhaps regret coming to him.
In fact, due to this concern, Seo Youngwoo hadn’t mentioned what he was working on while organizing the photo exhibition. Kang Taejung probably still didn’t know that he was one of the project leaders. Although Seo Youngwoo normally loved talking about his work, he made an effort to hide and not reveal it this time.
“Did you go to the press photo exhibition?”
“No, this is…”
After hesitating for a moment, Kang Taejung calmly looked at Seo Youngwoo. His eyes were quivering, clearly indicating he was forcing himself. With Seo Youngwoo’s reaction openly showing his anxiety, Kang Taejung sighed with a somber expression. He then placed the catalog on the table and took Seo Youngwoo’s hand.
“I didn’t go with the intention you’re thinking of.”
“…”
“Someone who went with me on the way back from fieldwork wanted to see it. I planned to just drop him off, but he said he was embarrassed to look at it alone and asked me to join. I had no good reason to refuse, so I went along. Once we were inside, I kept getting calls from work, so I only looked at the beginning part and stayed in the lobby. The catalog was a gift from my companion.”
With this smooth explanation, Seo Youngwoo finally nodded. At least, the man he had known for a long time, Kang Taejung, was not one to lie easily. What he had just told him was likely the truth.
“I see. Actually, this exhibition… it was organized by our team.”
Surprise etched itself in Kang Taejung’s eyes at the unexpected revelation. Really? When he gently asked back, Seo Youngwoo nodded, gripping his intertwined fingers tightly.
“I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want to talk about anything related to photos. I thought it might make you think about that person. Time just went by while I was like that.”
“Was that so?”
At the sound of regret in his voice, Seo Youngwoo closed his eyes and smiled gently.
“I’m okay now. I think I was just too anxious about something that doesn’t matter.”
Leaning his head on one shoulder, Seo Youngwoo repeatedly opened and closed Kang Taejung’s large hand.
‘It’s all over now. Everything… everything is over.’
A few days ago, Kang Taejung, with eyes dead black, came to him and said this. When Seo Youngwoo asked what was wrong, Kang Taejung kept repeating that it was over while laughing as if he might cry. A vast sense of desolation was pressing down on him. And then, Seo Youngwoo realized.
He finally cut off that person. That person had completely fallen away.
While Seo Youngwoo felt sorry for his lover collapsing into him, he was also glad that he had completely severed ties with the past for his sake. Although he felt a moment of disillusionment with that sentiment, it was fleeting. The reason he had dealt with that person more quickly and firmly than expected was surely because of him.
“I… seem to have done a lot wrong to you.”
The voice murmuring was steeped in unhidden guilt.
“Seems like you know, huh?”
As he playfully scrunched his nose, Kang Taejung’s eyes grew darker and more clouded. Only then did Seo Youngwoo wave his hands in defense.
“No, hyung. I was just kidding. Did I make you sad for no reason? You came to me that day… because you cut off that person for our relationship. That’s enough for me.”
Seo Youngwoo’s smile, though bright, was not entirely cheerful. The foundation of the relationship between him and Kang Taejung was guilt. A relationship that started with guilt and continued with it. Nonetheless, Seo Youngwoo was grateful for the opportunity given to him. No matter how it began, as long as he was the one by his side until the end, that was all that mattered.
Swallowing the heavy silence, Kang Taejung, still holding Seo Youngwoo’s hand, looked down at it and reluctantly spoke.
“There won’t be any more entanglement with Yoon. I’ve settled everything, so there won’t be anything to make you anxious. I’ll make sure of it.”
“What if he clings to you?”
Kang Taejung’s movements stopped as he took a deep breath. A scattered pain, like fine dust, spread across his face.
“That won’t… happen anymore.”
What could have happened? Not asking Kang Taejung about the situation was a form of consideration, but curiosity was inevitable. He could only guess that Kang Taejung had completely cut off Ha Joyoon from the words and actions he showed now.
“Don’t meet him, don’t contact him. Even if you see him, just ignore him and walk by. Bury him completely in your past. Can you do that?”
For the first time, revealing his possessive desire, Kang Taejung’s expression became more and more bewildered. Youngwoo. At his flustered tone, Seo Youngwoo quickly burrowed into Kang Taejung’s embrace. He absolutely did not want to hear any hesitant words. The heartache from the past five years was enough.
“Promise me.”
Now that he had become completely his person, Seo Youngwoo could finally reveal his true feelings. After they started dating, he hadn’t been able to speak his mind properly for fear of seeming mean, but now it was different. The soft, gentle voice that caressed the heart, now whispering only for him. All of this was entirely his. Kang Taejung was his person, no one else’s.
“…Alright. I’ll try.”
Though his voice still held pain, it was okay. One day, he would cover it all with his love. Rubbing his cheek slowly against Kang Taejung’s shoulder, Seo Youngwoo forced a smile. His lover’s hand patting his back was so warm.
‘Really… really, I…’
‘Hyung…’
‘My God… Youngwoo, I’m really… really sorry…’
‘Hyung, no, I’m fine. I love you. This is nothing.’
‘Youngwoo… I’m sorry. Really… I’m sorry.’
Memories forced down, crumpled, and hidden floated around. Overwhelmed by the sudden wave of the past, Seo Youngwoo squeezed his eyes shut. The desperate voice of Kang Taejung calling his name in those memories and that expression still held him back even now. He knew this sinister, cruel memory would climb up like a vine, eventually squeezing and bursting his heart.
But hyung, Taejung hyung…
With a voice that couldn’t reach the other, Seo Youngwoo apologized to him over and over again. He was sorry and promised to treat him well enough to cover all his faults. However, this cowardly apology didn’t reach Kang Taejung, who was right in front of him, and dissipated into the air like ashes with the spark gone.
“Youngwoo, your body is too cold.”
Feeling how icy his body was, Kang Taejung briefly pulled away to check Seo Youngwoo’s forehead for fever. But the next attempt was thwarted by the strong pull back into his embrace. Rubbing his nose against the chest that smelled sweet, Seo Youngwoo asked with an affectionate tone.
“I feel a bit sick. Hyung, can you hug me?”
His lover, unaware of his condition, took a comfortable breath and held his body even tighter. An imperfect, unstable, and cowardly love.
That was my love.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, hyung.
Staring blankly at the night sky through the large window, Seo Youngwoo repeated his apologies like a chant.