WOP Ch 8.5

“Do you want to be family with me?”

Shin Kwonjoo asked softly. His voice held neither anger nor playfulness. It wasn’t a romantic setting, but Joyoon now knew that sincerity was key in moments like these.

“…Yes.”

“Then we have to get married.”

“…Yes….”

The depth of emotion carried in words is often unfathomable. Shin Kwonjoo gazed intently at his earnest lover.

“Are you serious?”

Amidst a life sometimes extraordinary, sometimes mundane, Ha Joyoon silently nodded, consumed by a powerful desire he felt for the first time—a yearning for a stronger bond, for shared responsibility and a deeper intertwining of their lives.

“I know my words might be burdensome given your situation, Sunbae-nim…I understand the conservative atmosphere in the media now. I know you’re careful not to be criticized. But…”

“Joyoon.”

Shin Kwonjoo gently interrupted, cupping Joyoon’s face in his hands.

“That’s not a problem at all.”

Joyoon’s head tilted back naturally, their eyes meeting. His lover’s dark eyes crinkled slightly above a face that had grown a little thinner. He gently caressed the trails left by Joyoon’s tears.

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

A gentle reprimand, masked by a pretense of seriousness, followed.

“Do you remember the promise I made?”

“Something you said, Sunbae-nim?”

“That I would take responsibility for your remains.”

[….]

Ha Joyoon recalled the single promise Shin Kwonjoo had made to him long ago.

A weighty promise to take responsibility for his end, regardless of how their relationship turned out.

Joyoon nodded silently. At the same time, a comforting laugh poured over him.

“A promise impossible to keep without complete belonging to each other.”

“…Yes?”

Shin Kwonjoo gently kissed Joyoon’s forehead, calming his ragged breathing. The warmth of their contact soothed his fluctuating emotions.

“Whether we’re lovers or whatever, there’s no way a legally unrelated stranger could do that. They wouldn’t have the right.”

“But why…?”

As he stared, unable to grasp the meaning, his lover’s eyes crinkled mischievously. He adjusted his hold on Joyoon and asked,

“You still don’t understand?”

“I don’t really understand.”

“With this little awareness, how do you even manage to be a reporter?”

“Me?”

The caress of his slightly parted lips was incredibly gentle. Shin Kwonjoo lowered his head to meet Joyoon’s eyes. A quiet passion resided in his gaze. Joyoon recognized his lover, a man with a cool yet fiery heart.

“I’ve been waiting a very long time.”

A tone like a joke,

An expression that betrayed nothing.

“Do you know?”

The dim light of the room lamp reflected in his lover’s dark eyes as their gazes locked. It was a warmth that illuminated the cold, dark depths. Joyoon quietly waited for the words to come.

“I’ve been waiting a very long time for you to say those words.”

With a much more relaxed expression, Shin Kwonjoo added words that Joyoon couldn’t tell were meant for himself or not.

“Because you’re a coward.”

[….]

He exhaled, his throat dry. Finally, the thoughts that had been swirling around him began to coalesce into a single form. Realization came in a flash. Joyoon was overwhelmed by the emotion that welled up as the strokes of his heart connected.

“Do you understand what I mean?”

Love permeated his expression as he shrugged, as if there was nothing more to be done.

“…Yes.”

His hand gripping the sheet trembled. Past hurts he had pretended to ignore, emotions he had suppressed out of fear, now surfaced and spilled out uncontrollably.

“Stop crying.”

“I understand… I understand.”

Tears slowly trickled down his cheeks, even after his lover had wiped them away. Someone’s long-hidden feelings filled him completely. Joyoon finally understood Shin Kwonjoo’s words. He realized that those words, spoken so abruptly, were actually words Shin Kwonjoo himself had said to him long ago.

You….

You waited for me, always gripped by anxiety even while loving, always thinking of the end even while loving, afraid to imagine life after love, afraid to fall completely in love. And so, unable to say or hear the word “forever.” And you waited for me like that….

“Sunbae-nim.”

You waited for me for a very long time.

You waited for me to take a step forward, to approach you with courage.

You were always there at the end of the countless what-ifs that had made me anxious.

“I… I love you very much, Sunbae-nim.”

The trembling confession resonated softly within him. It was a phrase he had been too cautious, too afraid to utter carelessly.

“I know.”

His lover responded with a seriousness that matched the depth of his awkward, clumsy, yet earnest confession.

Joyoon. Shin Kwonjoo called softly and embraced him.

“I’ve never liked anyone before you. I’ve never loved anyone before.”

Of course, I was married. They both chuckled softly at the added remark.

“You’re my first, so I hope you’ll be my last.”

[….]

The sincerity revealed in his softened smile was unwavering. He was used to putting up walls and keeping his distance, but with those he allowed within his boundaries, he was unrestrained in expressing his affection. Even when showing vulnerability, even when swallowing his pride, he was the strongest person. Shin Kwonjoo was, and would always be, the same from the past to the present, and into the future. Joyoon, laughing and crying, gently rubbed his cheek against his shoulder.

“I, I… I’ll make you happy….”

“I’ll look forward to it.”

“Thank you for being safe, truly… thank you….”

“When you go to Korea this time, let’s go together.”

Joyoon understood the implication. He nodded vigorously, swallowing his tears.

“Yes….”

The hand around his back tightened. Their hearts beat against each other’s chests. It wasn’t just their warmth and atmosphere that were becoming similar. The direction of their hearts, beating in the same place at the same time, was solely towards each other.

“Actually…”

Taking advantage of a brief separation, Shin Kwonjoo grinned. A smile that blended mischief and affection. It was the expression Joyoon loved most.

“I bought a ring.”

Damian will laugh his ass off. He added a cryptic remark and immediately kissed him. The noise filtering in through the crack in the hospital room door meant someone could walk in at any moment, but it didn’t matter anymore. Savoring his lover’s warm breath, Joyoon hugged him tightly.

The answer had always been predetermined.

Shin Kwonjoo.

He was the person Joyoon loved.

❄

The letter containing cherished memories arrived near the end of winter. On a weekend, while planning a trip back to Korea to see his family, Joyoon logged into his email to check his schedule and quietly held his breath at the sight of a familiar sender.

How long has it been? Since you contacted me directly, whether by voice or letter.

[….]

Yoon—ah. It’s me.

He had the illusion of hearing Taejung’s voice in the words on the screen.

Hello.

Joyoon greeted him back silently and slowly scrolled down.

How are you? I don’t know how long it’s been since I last sent an email. I heard from Junghye noona. You’re coming to Korea, right? Noona subtly tried to fish for information. It was so obvious, but she pretended otherwise. Her acting skills are the same as ever. But then, a few days later, my mom did the same thing.

Joyoon chuckled softly, imagining Ha Junghye’s clumsy attempts. His sister’s acting was transparent. No one in his family was good at lying. Their faces would betray them if they even tried to make a small joke.

Taejung’s letter naturally transitioned to other topics.

It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other. It feels a little awkward. I thought about calling, but I thought writing would be better. I’m raising a baby kitten. Its name is Jjongjjong. The long greeting before getting to the main point was laced with an undeniable consideration, an attempt to soften any potential awkwardness.

Joyoon recalled his last conversation with Taejung years ago. They had tried their best not to hurt each other, but in the end, he had to let Taejung go, bearing the festering wounds. And now, those memories remained as scars of a life lived.

I sometimes hear about you from Junghye noona. She says you’re doing well, still doing what you do.

News of Taejung moving followed. It wasn’t surprising, as Ha Junghye had already told him that Taejung’s family had moved far away. A strange, indescribable emotion flickered in his gaze as he stared at the monitor. It felt odd that the house and the people he had been close to for so long were gone, and new people were moving in, creating a new home. It was a mix of loneliness, pain, and the bittersweet feeling of looking at old, faded photographs. The two houses next to each other, where they had been close for countless, unremembered years, Taejung’s presence visible through the windows, the emotions they shared. It was more than just beautiful memories; beneath them lay countless wounds, pain, fear, and selfishness.

Yoon—ah, I’ve always thought that the feelings between us weren’t just love.

It was a sentiment Joyoon had also held for a long time. There was friendship and familial affection between them, in addition to love.

In the email, Taejung wrote that he had wondered if they could one day face each other again as friends or family. He had imagined becoming a decent friend to Joyoon. But he had realized that such thoughts were arrogant and hypocritical.

Could they go back to the time and feelings before love? Could they maintain their relationship in a different form?

Joyoon shook his head without taking his eyes off the monitor at Kang Taejung’s question. He couldn’t. Taejung also wrote in the email that he couldn’t. Because he had truly loved Joyoon with all his heart. He had realized that returning to a relationship that wasn’t love was impossible, regardless of the form that love took. Joyoon was still precious to him, but the meaning had changed. He wanted to see him, but he didn’t.

[….]

His scrolling slowed, then stopped. A tear finally escaped his tightly closed lips and traced a path down his dry cheek. The cowardly feelings he wanted to hide, the act he wanted to maintain, had finally been exposed. Had Taejung been unaware of this ugly selfishness? Taejung of the past had known every corner of his heart.

This selfish desire to bury the past completely for the sake of the person he currently loved,

This desire to no longer hurt that person.

Perhaps if you come to Korea, our mothers, or one of our families, might arrange a meeting.

Taejung’s gentle and warm voice resonated from the words on the screen, as if he were speaking right next to him. Ha Joyoon rested his chin on his hand and continued reading. The hand he used to wipe his cheek was damp, but he didn’t care.

Yoon—ah, even if a meeting is arranged…let’s not see each other. Yoon—ah, I don’t think I’ll be able to see you for a very long time. I want to see you, but I don’t. But I hope you’ll be happy.

It was a gentle but firm request.

Joyoon instinctively knew this was Taejung’s final goodbye. It was a knot of emotions they both acknowledged and agreed upon. Overwhelmed by a surge of thoughts, he relaxed his body and leaned back fully in his chair. He closed his eyes, tracing the journey of his memories. All his senses dulled. It was a long journey from his thirties, through his twenties, back to his teenage years.

‘What are you going to do with all those photos?’

‘I… I want to be a reporter.’

‘Oh… that’s good. I think you’d be good at it. Oh, but you can’t write. Aren’t your Korean scores bad?’

‘I can be a photojournalist… why are you talking about grades… and I get better grades than you in other subjects…’

‘Sorry, sorry.’

‘And I’m not that bad at writing… Anyway, do you want to see the picture I took yesterday? I took it on the way…’

‘Ugh, if it’s a flower picture, please spare me.’

‘I told you it’s not a flower…’

A relationship that was once more precious than anything, illuminating a point in his life.

You, who shaped me.

Me, who found my way because of you.

And now, a relationship that had to become completely past, leaving only faint traces and fading pain.

“…Take care.”

Take care, Taejung.

Joyoon whispered a final goodbye in a gentle voice.

Time would ripen and mature his life. He now knew that this process was for the coming spring. Because he had received love from Taejung, he learned what love was. He became someone capable of love. Taejung wasn’t a faded memory. He was a person and a memory that would shape his present and future. Because he loved Taejung, he could be honest. He could be brave. He could love that person.

Repeating the words “I’m truly sorry and thankful” over and over in his mind, Joyoon let go of the lingering emotions. It was a bittersweet farewell.

❄

The airport buzzed with the noise of people coming and going.

“Are you nervous?”

Shin Kwonjoo asked casually as they walked side-by-side out of the arrivals gate. Joyoon smiled sheepishly and nodded. He couldn’t believe he’d made it through the flight.

“A little.”

“You’re completely frozen.”

Shin Kwonjoo took Joyoon’s stiff hand and playfully swung it. He found it amusing how Joyoon had been walking with his feet and hands pointing in the same direction since they got off the plane.

“I’m a bit nervous about skipping all the intermediate steps and jumping straight to the conclusion.”

“You should have at least hinted at it beforehand.”

“I thought they would both faint… Will they be okay? Noona knows, so she’ll explain it well, right?”

“Don’t overthink it.”

“I should have at least told them I was seeing someone, Sunbae-nim…”

“Now you tell me. Didn’t they pretend not to know because they knew you’d be like this?”

“Huh? No way. They never even asked…”

At the naive reply, Shin Kwonjoo let out his characteristic snort and raised their intertwined hands. Something shiny caught the light. It was the ring they had awkwardly exchanged recently.

“Honestly, ‘seeing someone’ is an understatement. We’ve been living together for years. Isn’t that practically common-law marriage?”

“…That’s true.”

Common-law marriage, common-law marriage… Joyoon mumbled repeatedly, lowering his head as if embarrassed. His pale cheeks and the tips of his ears flushed red. Shin Kwonjoo watched the rapid change with amusement and urged him onward.

“We’re already here, so it’s done. Time doesn’t flow backward, so don’t dwell on the past. Let’s focus on dealing with the current situation rather than worrying about things we can’t change.”

At the words that abruptly settled the matter, Joyoon faltered and replied with a nervous expression.

“Sunbae-nim, for a second, I felt like I was at work.”

“…What?”

Shin Kwonjoo furrowed his brow at the absurd remark. Undeterred by his reaction, Joyoon continued to ramble about his worries.

“Besides my parents, what should I say to your family later…?”

His steps towards the gate leading to the taxi stand were hurried. The scent of flowers heralding spring lingered in the air.

“My family already knows, so you don’t have to tell them anything.”

“What? What? When did you tell them? You didn’t say anything!”

His hurried steps faltered at the unexpected news. Shin Kwonjoo chuckled at Joyoon’s dumbfounded expression and took his luggage. A brief, meaningless argument ensued.

“It was so long ago, I don’t even remember. That’s why I asked if everything was alright when we met at the hospital. They knew about you before that and were sharpening their knives, so I thought they’d come to you with a wad of cash, but they never did. I was looking forward to spending it. Too bad.”

“No one came with an envelope of money… Oh, but what should I do? Should I see your parents when we get back?”

“My parents?”

“I should, right? What should I say…?”

“Even if you prepare something, you won’t be able to say a word anyway.”

Joyoon, having caught up, matched Shin Kwonjoo’s pace. Even though it was just everyday conversation, it felt like a song, not just simple words. He was truly lovesick.

“I think I made a mistake because it was so chaotic at the hospital back then.”

“It’s okay.”

Shin Kwonjoo quietly observed his lover, who was speaking faster than usual.

Sparkling eyes, flushed cheeks, a gentle voice.

The courage to acknowledge, pity, and not turn away from the wounds of others.

A warm heart that refused to forget the times of pain.

The sharp gaze, honed over years spent poring over desks and pursuing truth, had long since softened. An incomprehensible affection, a deep-seated adoration for his lover, emanated from within.

A joyful feeling.

“Even if your parents know, Sunbae-nim, they’ll still be surprised by this, right?”

Your existence reaches me, sometimes as a song, sometimes as a poem.

You make me anxious, afraid, hesitant.

You sometimes weaken me, dulling the edges I’ve sharpened fighting the world.

“Perhaps.”

But you also soften me, breathing life back into the beliefs I long ago abandoned.

You make me smile more, believe in love, hope for forever.

You make me want to be a stronger, better person.

A presence, a relationship that changes each other. The density of emotion deepening with time, who else but you could do this to me?

“Wow, the sunlight is so beautiful, Sunbae-nim. The flowers seem to have bloomed already. Look over there.”

The automatic gate opened, revealing a bright landscape. Joyoon, following behind, was excited by the spring-scented scenery and hurried ahead of Shin Kwonjoo, almost running.

“Indeed.”

You, bathed in sunlight on your shoulders, you shine.

Suddenly, a desire to capture you in a frame arises. A longing he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Joyoon, shall I take your picture?”

“A picture? Yes, let’s take one together.”

“Okay.”

Shin Kwonjoo moved towards his smiling lover without hesitation.

Within the viewfinder, his spring was smiling.