IDESGI Chapter 47

Chapter 47

The moment the thought that something was wrong crossed his mind, Yeoul pulled away.

There was a sense of discord, but the words that followed made Ihan’s mind go completely blank.

“You didn’t feel it, did you? My emotions.”

He hadn’t felt anything. Just a few days ago, even if faint, he could still sense the feeling that Yeoul loved him. But now, Ihan couldn’t feel a single trace of Yeoul’s emotions.

That couldn’t be. It must have been because the guiding was too short. If he received it for longer, he would surely feel it properly. Ihan reassured himself with that thought.

“Guide me one more time. You pulled away too quickly just now.”

“No matter how many times we repeat it, it’ll be the same.”

“It’s just because the guiding was too short. If we try again—”

“Ihan.”

Even at the quiet call of his name, his gaze stayed fixed on the floor.

If he couldn’t feel emotions through guiding, he could confirm it by looking into Yeoul’s eyes. But he was too afraid to. Afraid that Yeoul truly didn’t love him anymore. Afraid he didn’t have the courage to face the truth.

“You know as well as I do that emotions come through the moment guiding starts. Even for an instant, you should have felt something. But nothing reached you, right?”

“…”

“That’s proof I don’t have any feelings for you anymore.”

“…Yeoul, don’t say that.”

For the first time, he hated Yeoul. Don’t do this. I love you. You loved me too. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you trying to kill me?

“I don’t love you. You mean nothing to me anymore.”

Covering his ears was pointless. With his damned sharp hearing, every word Yeoul spoke reached him crystal clear.

“Stop. Stop it.”

He wanted to press his fingers against Yeoul’s lips to silence him. If he could steal, swallow, and devour those lips that were tearing him apart, then maybe… if he pretended it never happened and acted like he hadn’t heard it…

Would Yeoul love him again? And then…

Could he make Yeoul happy again?

“You didn’t feel anything, right? It’s because my heart’s left you. So—”

“Stop it!”

Every word Yeoul spoke pushed him deeper into the darkness.

I don’t want to go back there again. Don’t push me under the shadows. Be my light. Please.

But the light was cruel.

“Admit it now. I don’t love you anymore.”

Ihan’s heart shattered. The fragments of his soul would drift in darkness, like a planet cast out of its orbit.

Once again.

* * *

When the match rate drops severely, emotions don’t flow even if an imprint has been made. That was something learned through experience in the previous life.

While kissing Ihan, Yeoul poured as much energy as possible into that short moment. Only a small fraction of the forced energy reached Ihan, and as soon as he felt it, Yeoul broke away. He had to act before Ihan noticed anything strange.

“You didn’t feel it, did you? My emotions.”

He skillfully shifted the subject. There was no way Ihan would suspect the match rate had dropped despite their imprint, so this excuse would surely work. And just as Yeoul expected, it did.

Ihan staggered back, his face stricken with shock. Yeoul clenched his teeth.

He had to be ruthless. He needed to inflict an irreparable wound on Ihan.

“Up until now, sure, I enjoyed it with you. That’s probably why some of my feelings managed to flow to you. But now, even if I did it with you, I don’t think I’d feel anything. If you want, you can test it yourself.”

“…Are you saying that what you felt for me was only desire?”

“Yeah. Though now, I probably don’t even have that. What feelings could I have with someone I feel nothing for?”

Ihan trembled like a dried leaf about to crumble at the slightest touch. Yeoul swallowed down the bile rising in his throat.

It felt like his stomach was twisting and his guts were being ripped apart, but he endured. Not yet. It wasn’t time to collapse yet. He had to go farther—somewhere Ihan would never be able to find him.

To die alone, he had to escape this place.

With the help of Yushin, a spatial-type Esper, he could get out. That was why earlier, he had desperately thrown himself at him, begging for help—to stir his sympathy.

But Yushin was still on Ihan’s side, most likely. So Yeoul would have to call him again and cling to him for help, either by confessing the truth about his regression or threatening that Ihan would soon die.

The success of that plan depended on getting Yushin to come again, but with Ihan constantly by his side, his movements were limited. Even so, desperate situations drove people to act, and those driven to the edge struggled to survive by any means.

Yeoul, however, was struggling to die.

“Let’s stop. I’m too hungry to even talk now.”

“Oh, right. Yeah, that’s true. When you’re hungry, you can get light-headed sometimes, so… yeah, that’s why.”

Ihan seemed to believe Yeoul was speaking nonsense from hunger. The sight of Ihan denying reality made Yeoul’s chest ache. Ihan was still dreaming of a life together. And the only one who could wake him from that dream was Han Yeoul.

The meal was set quickly—a simple spread. A bowl of porridge, some dried seaweed, and soy-braised beef. Beside them lay a pair of neatly placed chopsticks.

Yeoul picked up his chopsticks, took a quail egg, and deliberately dropped one chopstick. The quail egg rolled under the table.

When Ihan bent down to pick it up—

Yeoul stabbed his thigh with the remaining chopstick with all his strength.

“Ugh…!”

A groan escaped him. Pulling the metal chopstick sharply back widened the wound. He hadn’t wanted to cry, but tears burst out on their own.

Blood soaked his thigh and dripped to the floor. At the same time, his chair tipped backward, and his head struck the ground hard. His vision spun.

“Yeoul!”

A panicked voice rang in his ears. Through his wet lashes, Ihan’s tears fell onto him. Even without guiding, he could feel it clearly—the deep love beneath Ihan’s worry and fear.

Ah, Ihan. Now I think I understand a little. Why you once told me not to love you.

“We need to stop the bleeding. You’re losing too much blood, Yeoul. Too much…”

For something so minor—when Ihan himself had taken far worse injuries—he still panicked whenever Yeoul bled even a drop.

After Yeoul once cut his finger while cooking, Ihan had banned him from holding a kitchen knife and wouldn’t even let him near the kitchen. That was Yoo Ihan for you. My overly fussy lover.

That’s why I liked you.

“I’ll stop the bleeding. It’s going to hurt a little, but bear with it. I’ll take you to the hospital soon, okay? Don’t pass out.”

Yeoul reached out to touch Ihan’s cheek. Seeing his face smeared with blood made him smile. He wasn’t going to die yet—don’t worry. This was just a step toward running away.

“Yoo Ihan…”

Don’t love me.

When the fingertips on his cheek trembled faintly, Ihan clutched Yeoul’s hand tightly, pleading desperately.

“Don’t talk. Later… I’ll listen to everything later. Whatever you have to say, I’ll hear it. Just don’t talk now. Breathe. Slowly, not too deep.”

“Hff… haah…”

As Yeoul panted, Ihan breathed air into his mouth. It felt almost absurd, like a Guide receiving guiding from an Esper.

The guiding I gave earlier probably didn’t even lower his numbers by one percent. My power is too small, too worthless for you now.

“Just hold on a little longer. I’ll call Kim Yushin. Everything will be fine. You trust me, right? I’ll make sure it doesn’t hurt. Everything will be okay…”

No, Ihan. Reality is always cruel, and the world will always betray us.

“….”

“Yeoul, stay with me! Don’t close your eyes, okay?”

Misery had always hounded me. The cruelest part of it was giving me happiness only to snatch it away. I didn’t even need to be truly happy.

I could have just lived without worrying about money, going with the flow. Making friends, blending in, laughing and chatting—that would have been enough.

Sometimes there were days when emptiness crushed me, but that’s just how life is for everyone. Life is hard for all.

Geon treated me like family. I liked him too. But that was only because I was his one and only Guide.

If it weren’t for that, would he have even looked at me? Even if not now, I can’t deny that’s how it started.

If it had been Yeon-oh instead of me at the start, Geon would have loved him. Relationships that start from need are destined to fall apart someday. I know that well—I’ve been disowned three times.

I was afraid of ending up alone, so I never crossed the line with Geon. But that was fine. As long as my ability was needed, he wouldn’t throw me away.

And then I met you. You were strange, constantly confessing that you loved me. I had never been loved for no reason before.

You always cherished me more than anyone else. That fact alone made me so happy I could cry. Maybe I’d always wanted to be someone’s most special person. I was happy when I met you. Truly.

And Ihan, no one has ever made me as sad as you have. After losing you, I realized that none of the pain I’d experienced before compared. Living without you was hell itself. If you’d told me to die with you, I would have gladly gone.

But you left on your own twice. So this time, I’ll go alone.

“….”

“Yeoul, please! Please, no…”

“….”

I know. I know how deep this wound will cut you. For someone who already carries the weight of the world, adding my burden on top is unforgivable. I’m sorry for being such a terrible lover. Don’t forgive me.

This time, you must not die. You must live. And this is a selfish request, but if you can… please…

Be happy.

Ihan would be in pain. Just as I had been after his death—his heart would be torn and crushed beyond repair.

I should have cut ties before this, but I couldn’t. The thought of leaving him suffering as I went made me sad.

Even so, I would leave him with the selfish will to live. Ihan, unlike me, would honor that request. Yoo Ihan was someone who could endure any pain for Han Yeoul.

My vision blurred. I could hear something faint—was Ihan crying? Don’t cry. I held back the urge to comfort him. I couldn’t show any attachment now.

My mind turned white. I couldn’t resist the pull of sleep. My vision grew distant, then dark, until everything went black.