INM 4 Part 6

I felt an irrational anger and violently broke his gaze that seemed to take everything away from me.

“I care about you too. Besides, even if I don’t give you permission now, you’re already a big part of my life. We’re childhood friends.”

In response to my words, Brian let out a low growl.

“You…”

Brian reached out his right hand and grabbed my chin, pronouncing each word. It didn’t hurt at all, but I was extremely surprised and very angry at the same time.

“What are you doing?”

“Even after all this, you’re still running away! You’ve been running away all this time. You knew I wanted to express my feelings!”

“Shut up, who would take your affection seriously? You’re the one who dumped me three years ago!”

Brian hesitated slightly and removed his hand from my chin. However, his left hand was still holding my right hand.

“I didn’t mean to reject you. But I think I hurt you.

“I didn’t mean to reject you? Do you remember what you said?”

“I remember. Every single word.”

No way. Just so you know, of course I don’t remember.

“Anyway, I like you, as you already know. If you still say you like me…”

Brian slowly closed the distance between us, making my heart race. Faced with the sudden possibility of kissing or going further with the man in front of me, my skin tingled even though I wasn’t being touched.

Stop. I finally started to like myself. I don’t want to go back to being the person who was influenced by his every action. It’s too late to be lovers now!

As I screamed in my head, Brian continued.

“Be my spouse, willingly.”

“Suddenly saying something like that…”

I swallowed the words I wanted to say. The words I had just heard reached my brain and my brain understood their meaning. But the next moment, my brain displayed an “Unable to process” error message.

“Huh?

“…”

“…”

A terribly awkward silence fell between us.

In my head, my brain kept flashing error messages. I knew I should have chosen different words, but I couldn’t stop myself and ended up blurting out something that might rank about fifth on the “Top Ten Things Never To Say When Being Proposed To” list.

“What did you say?” 

Brian, who had made an even more stupid face than I had, grimaced in pain. A few strands of his disheveled black hair fell onto his slightly sunburned white skin. Despite the tension, Brian’s anguished appearance was undeniably attractive. But it wasn’t enough to dispel the fizzling air around us.

A voice filled with pain came out of his mouth, as if to say, “I don’t understand”.

“What on earth am I saying?”

“No, you… Don’t you think that’s my line?”

At my perfectly reasonable words, Brian fell silent, still hovering over me.

I learned that Brian had suffered a serious leg injury on the job at a time when I was facing a turning point in my career. Since graduating from high school, I had been working as a clerk in a home furnishings store. It was around this time that I met Jane, who talked to me about starting my own business.

When I heard about his injury through mutual friends, my heart sank thinking about his physical condition and his family’s worries. However, I wasn’t overly concerned about his mental state or future career. From my perspective, my childhood friend had always managed his life well. Looking back, there were unstable times, but even then he made the “right” choices and accomplished a lot.

So when I decided to visit Brian in the hospital, it was more to help his family, who must have been burdened by his sudden hospitalization, than for him. To be honest, I also wanted to escape for a while from the various decisions I had to make.

I chose a day when his family couldn’t visit because of work, took a day off, got a lot of things they wanted to bring him, added some of my own gifts, and drove slowly to the hospital where Brian was.

Five years had passed since we graduated from high school, and we were both twenty-four.

Brian went on to study law at university and became a police officer, while I qualified as an interior designer through a vocational school I attended while working. I heard that Brian had dated a few men during this time. Even though I was busy and it didn’t go very far, I dated two people during those five years.

Aside from the few dates, we had both gained a lot of social and personal experience compared to our high school days. I thought that with my current self, I would be able to interact with him without being capriciously swayed by my emotions and maintain a proper distance. I had so many things I wanted to talk to my childhood friend about… my job, my thoughts on becoming independent, interesting things I learned in vocational school, and many wonderful words my grandmother taught me. I’m sure my face lit up with a smile as I went over these topics in my mind. 

But the moment I opened the hospital room door and saw Brian, I realized my mistake.

Brian was not a perfect superhuman.

Lying in the bed was a young man my age who had suffered a serious injury that required surgery and was still in pain, suffering, and fear.

Shocked to see Brian in this state for the first time, I somehow managed to keep a smile on my face as I entered the room. I pulled the round visitor’s stool from next to his shoulder down to his thigh area and sat down. Brian, who had been looking at me absentmindedly while I chattered away to fill the gap, finally focused his gaze on me.

“It’s been a while, Luke.”

The shock of hearing his voice, both nostalgically familiar and heard for the first time, is hard to put into words.

“What are you doing here? You didn’t even bother to answer my messages properly when I was well.”

At that moment I realized. As long as you can admire someone irresponsibly, like looking up at the moon, love is easy. The feelings I once thought were the pain of love were ridiculously childish, shallow, self-indulgent seasonings for life.

The real pain of love begins the moment you’re thrown violently and helplessly into a quagmire. And for me, that moment was right now.

If I had been as infatuated with Brian then as I am now, I might have recklessly thrown everything away without thinking.

Thinking about how people grow, I looked up at Brian, who was still holding me, and gave him a understood smile.

“I got it, Brian. Hannah told you that you wouldn’t inherit the estate unless you brought a partner with you, right?”

“What is that?”

Brian frowned as if he didn’t understand. Could you also stop holding me down? This position is not good for my heart or probably my back.

On second thought, I had never heard any unfortunate news about the Darcy family or their relatives, so I dismissed the common trope of a sham marriage for the sake of inheritance.

Racking my brain for what little romance knowledge I had, I continued.

“Then did you need a sudden partner to avoid marrying someone Seth or Hannah brought in?”

“Do you really think those people would interfere in their son’s life like that?”

His words silenced me. In fact, it seemed highly unlikely.

“So it’s because of some wild behavior that caused trouble, and you need a decent and upright partner to show the world that you’re a respectable person?”

“Who is wild and who is upright? Explain yourself, troublemaker!”

“Do you still consider yourself a sane person? Talking about marriage without even dating? Honestly.”

“I was just a little too hasty. Because you were trying to escape, I accidentally…”

“Better be careful not to accidentally marry a hundred people. You know you’re cool, right, heartthrob?”

“It’s not like proposing is my hobby. I just misjudged the timing. But if you accept, I’m ready to sign anytime.”

His words really shook me to the core.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I’ve always been like this. I knew I had problems, so I behaved myself.”

It seemed that Brian had thrown away his reserved attitude of the last two weeks. His reckless smile made me feel a little calmer, though.

Come to think of it, he was stubborn and cried a lot when he was young.

By the time we were in the upper grades of elementary school, that stubbornness had become a strength. By high school, he no longer showed signs of obsession, but it seemed to be only on the surface.

I looked up at the man who seemed determined not to let me go, even if he didn’t force me to. Now I was completely pinned down by Brian. My right hand was still pinned down by his left, and his right hand, supporting his strong body, was right next to my face. From a distance his tall frame looked slender, but up close it was thick and solid. Brian resisted gravity to maintain this position, but if he gave in to gravity, everything between us would collapse in an instant.

That might actually be easier.

Such a thought suddenly popped into my head, and I was surprised at myself. But when I thought about it, it didn’t seem like a bad idea. I was really tired and a little lost. The sweet temptation to measure my worth by the affection of the man I once loved deeply began to rise.

And as if sensing my hesitation, Brian’s hand tightened slightly.

In the increasingly tense atmosphere, I managed to look away from his fierce eyes and, with much more effort than I had expected, pressed my free left hand against Brian’s chest.

“If you’re really interested in a future with me, let’s get up and talk.”

“Luke.”

His soft whisper moved my heart a little again, but I couldn’t throw away everything I held onto for a fleeting, false satisfaction.

“Hurry up. Your arms and back must be aching by now.”

“I can last another ten hours.”

“If that’s the case, why don’t you do push-ups in front of the couch! I can’t have a proper conversation in this position. You know that!”

“I know, that’s why I’m doing it.”

Brian grinned and stood slowly, making the sofa creak dramatically. Watching him intently, my body tensed, I realized how wildly my heart had pounded the moment he had walked away and I closed my eyes tightly. I pressed down on my rapidly beating heart and took a shallow, gasping breath.

“Come on, give me your hand. Unless you want to go back to the previous position.”

“Hey, do you really like me?”

“You must prefer the previous position.”

“Just answer me.”

Brian reached out his long arm and grabbed my chin as I lay there, turning my head away. His fingers urged me to look at him.

“I like you.”

The simple, powerful words hit me deep in the eyes. Undoubtedly sincere words. But even though I had urged him on, a fierce resistance boiled up again in my chest.

I jumped up from the sofa like a spring-loaded toy and glared at Brian at close range.

“Are you saying that you have become interested in me in the last two weeks?”

“No. I haven’t been able to forget you for a long time.”

“Then what were those words three years ago?”

Brian, anticipating my outburst, remained silent, calmly taking it in with quiet eyes.

“You said you didn’t mean to reject me, but you said my feelings for you were disgusting.”

“I did say that.” For some reason, Brian looked more pained than I was. “Don’t tell me you like me. That’s impossible. It makes me sick.”… yes, I did say that.”

“Wait, what?!” I was shocked by his words. “Hey, you should have chosen your words better…! That was really cruel! For me!”

“Even though you forgot it.”

“I remember being terribly hurt! I knew you were going through a hard time, but still, couldn’t you have chosen your words better… Even if you wasn’t attractive to me as a man, we were at least friends, right?”

“You were attractive. Infuriatingly so.”

Brian spoke so calmly that I wanted to doubt his sincerity.