INM 8 Part 1

Chapter 8: Brisbane’s Dawn

“Luke, you’re too nice to people.”

One day, after I had been living at Grandma’s house for a while, she said this with a slightly grim expression on her face.

“Is this a bad thing?”

“It’s the wrong order. Before you can be kind to others, you must first be kind to yourself.

“But everyone praises me for it. Even the teachers.”

“You don’t need to listen to the words of people who praise you for receiving kindness from a child who doesn’t even know how to appreciate himself.”

Grandma said this firmly and continued.

“The people who really care about you will want you to appreciate yourself first.”

The image of a boy who used to watch over me with a worried look suddenly appeared in my mind. In the three years since I realized my sexual orientation, I had somehow drifted away from him. My childhood friend with whom I no longer shared the same way home since I started living in this house.

“Brian used to say that and get mad at me.”

“Then you should appreciate that kid.”

“How? He’s someone who has everything. I don’t think I can do anything for him.

“Watch him carefully with interest and listen to his words. That is the basis of love.”

Feeling a little uncomfortable with the word “love”, I somehow started hanging out with Brian again because of her words.

“Listen, Luke. You don’t have to rush into being kind to people. Eventually, you’ll surely become a person overflowing with the kind of love that allows you to extend true kindness to others. When that time comes, don’t hesitate to reach out. Because the world will become rigid and you’ll lose sight of the meaning of life.”

“That’s difficult.”

“People are made to regret at the time of their death, whether they valued themselves or not, whether they valued others or not… It’s okay. You’ll understand someday.”

In the elevator, I held Brian’s hand tightly, as if I was afraid he was going somewhere. Of course, I wasn’t really worried at that moment. In the first place, from the entrance to my office, even including the waiting time for the elevator, it was at most about two minutes.

Still, I couldn’t let go of this warm, big hand. And Brian took my hand without saying anything, quietly watching the changing floor numbers.

With a high-pitched electronic tone, the elevator reached the fifteenth floor. I pulled Brian’s hand and walked through the dark hallway, which even the high-intensity lighting couldn’t fully illuminate. From somewhere in the distance came the sound of a football or rugby broadcast. Even though my heart was pounding so loudly, my sharpened hearing didn’t dull in the slightest, and I wasn’t disturbed.

When I reached the office door, I took my key out of my pocket… or rather, I was about to, but I thought better of it and placed my hand directly on the doorknob. As I thought, the knob moved without the need for a key, easily inviting us in. 

“You…”

I fell silent at the man’s accusatory low whisper. A heat gradually spread from the inside of my body to my back, upper arms, and then my cheeks, and an invisible, faint tingling ran down my neck. My hands trembled slightly. The moisture on my cheeks evaporated, and it felt like they were going up in flames. It shouldn’t show on my face. But maybe Brian sensed something in my attitude and suddenly became silent. The distance between me and Brian was too close. And yet too far.

We both entered the house and I closed and locked the door with Brian behind me. We faced each other in the twilight that had set in at that moment. The light coming from the living room was not enough, but now I didn’t even want to take the time to turn on the foyer light. There was still a distance of about one of my upper arms between us.

To make that distance zero, but first there were words that needed to be said.

“I’m sorry.”

As if planned, our words overlapped and we hurriedly continued, covering each other’s words.

“No, I just ran away without considering your feelings.” 

“Because I have burdened you by lying repeatedly out of my own ego.”

We both spoke at once and then fell silent. Driven to near madness by frustration, both silently gave in to each other, and finally, prompted by Brian’s gentle, undeniably blue-gray gaze, I opened my mouth.

“Um, even though I was the one who suggested it, I just left you at Alexandra’s bar…”

As I desperately apologized, I suddenly saw the face of my childhood friend when he rescued me from Ethan.

Without thinking, I overwrote the question I wanted to ask.

“Hey, are you really interested in me? As a romantic interest?”

“Seriously, do I really have to start explaining from there?”

“Because I don’t understand.”

I was by no means Brian’s good childhood friend or some mysterious boy from the neighborhood. I was really just an ordinary brat, and with that childishness we had many terrible fights. And besides…

“I have repeatedly avoided facing you and hurt you by running away terribly, haven’t I? Still, why are you so desperate for me?”

The man, who had looked down at me for a moment as if at a loss, finally sighed and leaned his broad back against the door. He crossed his arms and stared into space, as if trying to retrieve a memory from within.

“Well, in the beginning it was because you were the only one who included me. Until I started elementary school, I didn’t fit in well with the people around me, and the other boys tried to exclude me.”

Are you going back that far? I thought desperately as I waited for the man’s words. The thoughts of smart people sometimes surpassed my understanding from a completely unexpected angle.

My childhood friend went on. 

“You always treated me as an equal, no matter what. For me, who was always placed on the periphery or in the center, expected or disappointed in narrow social circles for reasons like being physically weak, bad at games, fast, or having good grades, being by your side was always incredibly comfortable.” 

I had never known Brian to think such things, but having watched him grow up by his side, I understood what he was saying. But we weren’t students anymore. We were old enough to be free of both the periphery and the center.

As if reading my mind, Brian went on.

“Well, of course, that was exactly what made me aware of you. You appeared out of nowhere when I was having the hardest time and stayed by my side without saying anything. When I really needed someone to listen, you listened to me to the end. You were the only one who always let me be my true self. But sometimes you distance yourself from me.”

“I’m really sorry about that. Like in middle school, when you were done with your rehab, and even at Alexandra’s bar earlier. I ran away from you when I couldn’t handle things myself. From now on…”

Brian shook his head as I quickly continued my apology.

“No… The time you really shut me out was when the story about the blue bird came up and you agreed to go out with me. Isn’t that right?”

I stared at the man with my eyes wide open. Brian’s warm fingertips gently stroked my face as I looked up at him in a daze. The fingers that had decided to accept me were not gentle on my stiff cheeks. Brian continued.

“And then, let’s see. When your precious broom was thrown away, and when Miriam hit you over the bird drawing. When you shut people out, you were like a different person. Even though you had eyes that looked like you had given up on everything, you also looked like you were desperately thinking about something. I hated that more than anything. I wanted to be the only one you let in. I think I went crazy for you when I became obsessed with that feeling.” 

Brian said this self-deprecatingly, narrowing his eyes as he looked at me.

“The reason you said you’d go out with me was actually to keep me from getting closer to you, wasn’t it?”

“You understood that much…” I managed to get out in a dry voice. “You understood that much and you still want to get inside me…”

“That’s right.”

My head burned as Brian calmly agreed. 

“You don’t understand anything about me. I’m starving. I can’t help myself. I’m more greedy than my mother and much more selfish than my father. If I get my hands on the one thing I want more than anything in the world, even if I lose it, I definitely won’t be able to satisfy myself by surrounding myself with junk like my mother did!”

“Is that me?”

“Huh?”

The man’s large hands grabbed both of my upper arms as I raised my voice, and a pair of blue-gray eyes stared deep into mine as I gasped.

“The one thing you want more than anything in the world… is me?”

“Yes, but that’s not what we’re talking about now…”

“I’m giving it to you, everything. You can do whatever you want with it. So give me you too. All of you.”

We stared at each other for a while. Could there be such a morbid request? Such heavy words, how fitting they are for us.

“Understood. I’ll give myself to you. I’ll cherish you for the rest of my life… So if you want to leave me, run away and be prepared to kill me. For I will never, ever let you go again.”

The man laughed at my words. And in the next moment, that smile turned very sour. Long arms reached out and roughly hugged me.

“I finally caught you, you bastard.” a shaky voice was exhaled along with hot breath. “You even blocked my calls. How could you be so cruel…!”

My chest ached at the extreme sadness in his voice. If our positions were reversed… would I have been able to keep chasing after this childhood friend?

To chase after me, he must have gathered all the courage he could muster.

“Yes, you’re right. That was something we shouldn’t do between us.”

At my words, a sound that was neither a sob nor a gnashing of teeth escaped Brian’s mouth.

“I’ll never do it again. I promise.” 

Brian’s fingers tightened around me as he held me. Gently stroking the man’s broad back as if to calm him, I continued.

“Listen, Brian. I’ll let you into my bedroom.”

Brian abruptly pulled away from me.

“Lu…”

Before the man could finish saying my name, I stepped away from him, grabbed his right hand, and walked down the hall to the right. I told him to take off his shoes on the way and led him into the bedroom as if pushing him in.

Brian, who entered the room looking like he was going to say something, seemed to swallow his words the moment I turned on the light. He was just quietly admiring my sanctuary.

“This is my bedroom. No one but me has ever set foot in here. I always locked the door when someone came by.”

Without answering my words, Brian just looked around the room in silence.

I leaned against the doorframe and watched him for a while, but finally, unable to bear the silence any longer, I spoke.

“What do you think of the room? You didn’t get a good look when you first came in, did you?”

“I was wrong.” Brian said, looking back at me awkwardly before immediately looking forward again. “Well, I’m not exactly known for my artistic sensibilities, but… it’s beautiful. Refined and intellectual.”

The man, making a comment that was almost the complete opposite of how I was usually perceived, continued.

“This is closer to my image of you than the office outside. I feel relieved.”

At Brian’s words, I silently pushed myself away from the doorframe. I placed a hand on the man’s thick shoulder, reached up and kissed him. I pulled away from Brian, who reached for me with a startled expression, and looked into his gray eyes.

“You’re staying here tonight, aren’t you, Brian?”

“Ah, yes… wait, Luke. You said earlier in the kitchen. That you’re content just to be by my side for now.”

I remembered saying something like that. It was just before Brian found the letter, wasn’t it? Somehow it feels like a very long time ago.