Guest Ch 33

Misunderstandings and Truth (3)

*

I lay down on the sofa in the mechanical room and let out a deep sigh.

“Hah.”

I stared at the little bag of drugs with a complicated expression. I had received it, but now that I was about to use it, I hesitated. If I took it once and it didn’t work, I would have to use it repeatedly, and what if I got addicted? Is this really the only way?

Feeling troubled, I grabbed the backpack by my feet and pulled out my cellphone. When I turned it on, the telecom logo appeared, filling the LCD screen. After the logo cleared, the screen displayed apps that wouldn’t run.

62% battery remaining. I had packed a portable battery, but I wondered how many more days it would last if I kept turning it on and off like this. At most, maybe two weeks. I fiddled with the useless phone for a while before turning it off again.

I shouldn’t get impatient, but it’s easier said than done. If I don’t want to be swept away by this world, I need my own weapon. That weapon is the precognitive dreams. Only by using my abilities as a Prophet will I be able to meet Grandma and find a way back to the world I came from. But not even being able to meet the most basic condition was suffocating me.

Rustle.

I picked up the bag of drugs. After much hesitation, it was time to make a decision.

Click.

Suddenly, the mechanical room door opened.

It was Lee Yiseon. The smell of sweat and blood emanated from his body. He approached me with long strides. He grabbed my wrist and made me look at him. Our gazes met midair as I looked up in surprise. The eyes beneath his hair were cold.

“Are you hurt?”

In response to my startled question, Lee Yiseon didn’t answer but instead asked in return.

“Did you dream?”

His voice was low. I could sense how displeased he was, reminding me of the first time we met when he threatened me. The only difference now was that he was gripping my wrist as gently as possible, unlike back then.

“…Lee Yiseon?”

Feeling guilty even though I hadn’t done anything wrong, I twisted my wrist in embarrassment. But Lee Yiseon didn’t let go. Instead, he gripped it even tighter and opened his mouth.

“I asked if you had a dream.”

Why does he seem so upset? Did he have a hard encounter with the wild dogs while moving the tanker? He doesn’t seem injured, though…

His visibly sensitive reactions and the stiff tension in his posture made it seem like he had just stepped off a battlefield. I opened my mouth cautiously and answered.

“No.”

“Why?”

“I tried, but it didn’t work.”

“What did you try?”

This wasn’t the time to boast about what I had been doing all day or how hard I had tried. Besides, it was unclear whether that would even count as ‘effort.’

I slept all day.

What a pathetic answer. No matter how hard I tried, the result was that I didn’t have a dream. I couldn’t keep my promise. That was undeniable.

“…Sorry.”

Lee Yiseon didn’t acknowledge my apology. He just looked down at me with cold eyes.

His sweat-soaked bangs had split into thick strands, hanging down over his forehead. Occasionally, droplets formed at the tips and fell, leaving only traces on the dry floor before disappearing.

His black eyes, usually hidden by his hair, stared at me unblinkingly. The heavy, consuming emotion in them made me clamp my mouth shut, unsure of how to respond.

Lee Yiseon slowly released my wrist and stood up. As he took off his coat, I could see bloodstains on the white shirt underneath. When he unbuckled the belt connected to the gun holster around his chest and waist, I noticed the inside of the leather was soaked in blood, the tattered edges fraying from the moisture.

After taking off his bloody shirt and tossing it into the trash, he lay down on the sofa across from me. The muscles of his bare upper body were still twitching. His muscles, swollen from the recent battle, seemed unable to relax.

This was the first time I had seen Lee Yiseon this exhausted. How hard must it have been for him to get like this?

“…Did it not go well?”

I had intended to let it go when he didn’t respond, but surprisingly, Lee Yiseon spoke up.

“In the end, it was a success. The oil merchants made it safely to the Eastern Fort.”

“Oh, and no damage?”

“We suffered some deaths and injuries. But the wild dogs alliance took heavier losses than us.”

“…Are you okay?”

I asked again, and finally, Lee Yiseon turned his head to look at me. I had been about to ask whether Toya or Black Foot had been hurt.

“I told you to be reasonable.”

He spoke while sitting up. Today, Lee Yiseon was sharper than usual, scolding me more harshly.

“I told you to be cunning. Can’t you do that?”

Lee Yiseon’s tone became even more cutting.

“If you can’t, I’ll teach you. Don’t be so nice to others. It’s obvious how they’ll take advantage of you.”

…Even when you’re trying to be considerate, it’s a problem. Fuck, are you telling me to say, ‘Why would you let yourself get hurt like a fool? Can’t you handle things more cleanly?’ to the guy who came back smelling of blood and collapsed on the sofa? Why are you taking it out on me? Was asking if you were okay such a stupidly kind thing to say that I deserve to be scolded for it?

“Oh, fine, I’m sorry for sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong.”

I got up from the sofa. I was going to leave the mechanical room altogether. I had slept so much today that I didn’t think I could fall asleep again, even if I went to bed. More than that, I didn’t want to be in the same space as this edgy version of Lee Yiseon. But it seemed I was the only one who thought that way.

“Stop.”

I had told myself to be reasonably kind, so I decided to listen. But I didn’t obey his command. As I continued walking, he growled coldly at the back of my head once more.

“Come back and tell me about your dream.”

I stopped in front of the door but didn’t turn around to face him.

Lee Yiseon seemed to have grown too accustomed to giving orders. His role as ‘Captain’ must have embedded this aggressive hierarchy into him. And that hierarchy pressed down on me, the ‘Prophet,’ as an oppressive force.

Feeling miserable, I looked back. But I didn’t return to him as I spoke.

“I told you. I didn’t have any dreams.”

“It’s your job. Why didn’t you do it?”

“I tried. I really tried, but I couldn’t.”

“What kind of effort?”

I was about to explain my effort but hesitated. Lee Yiseon isn’t the type to miss that fleeting moment of hesitation.

“Speak. What kind of effort? Don’t keep dodging the question.”

I knew how angry he would be if I told him that I tried to sleep. While he was out there, covered in blood, dealing with the wild dogs alliance formed because of me, I had just been lying around trying to sleep. It would be like pouring oil on the fire of Lee Yiseon’s anger. The weight of my effort and his were vastly different, so much so that I couldn’t even defend myself.

“Woo Hyunho, aren’t you going to speak?”

Seeing my silence, Lee Yiseon seemed stressed.

“Why are you keeping your mouth shut when you’re usually so chatty?”

“…Sorry.”

“I don’t want to hear an apology. Come and sit down.”

“I said I’m sorry. I tried, but it didn’t work. I’ll try harder tomorrow.”

“Woo Hyunho.”

Stop pressuring me. I didn’t mean to sleep while you were out there getting hurt. Damn it. Your work, which involves saving lives, makes mine seem trivial in comparison, so I can’t say anything.

“I really did try. I’m frustrated too. I really am. But I couldn’t help it. It seems like it’s not something that can be done in just one day. I’ll really try harder tomorrow.”

“Woo Hyunho, come here.”

“I even received drugs, so I’ll try them tomorrow.”

Only then did Lee Yiseon hesitate. After growling with his fur bristling, he straightened his body like an animal that had been on alert. At first, he seemed to have misunderstood my words, but then, belatedly, he asked again.

“Drugs?”

The frown on his face slowly relaxed. He asked, genuinely surprised.

“What do you mean?”

As he looked around, Lee Yiseon picked up a plastic bag near the sofa. He untied the tightly knotted bag and checked the inside, his expression freezing.

“Who gave you this?”

Since there was no need to hide it, I told him honestly.

“I got it directly from the Doctor.”

At the mention of ‘Doctor,’ his mouth twisted instantly. As he considered the connection between the drugs and the Doctor, he instead scolded me.

“Why did you do that?”

“I heard that wild dogs even tried using drugs on me. I thought it might be effective.”

“It’s not just medicine. It’s a drug. Did you do it knowing there could be side effects?”

“What side effects? I don’t know.”

“Common sense tells you that all drugs have side effects.”

“Are side effects important?”

“How could they not be important?”

“Does it even matter to you what state I end up in, anyway?”

At my sharp words, Lee Yiseon’s face twisted into a deep frown.

“Why are you speaking like that?”

“You were the one who told Wolf Fang to kill me when I was captured. My life is a joke to you. So now, what’s so bad about drugs? In fact, wouldn’t it be better for you if I took them and had a precognitive dream?”

He pursed his lips for a moment before sighing. Faced with my harsh words, he seemed to retreat slightly.

“I apologize for saying with Wolf Fang. It was the best option at the time.”

“There’s no need to apologize.”

“You didn’t start using drugs because you were hurt by what happened back then, did you?”

“Hurt? No. I just thought all I had to do was tell you about my dream, no matter what I did.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Yes, it is. You think it’s my fault that you came back covered in blood.”

“Woo Hyunho.”

“I’m trying to do everything I can to take responsibility for that. I know very well that this isn’t the time to hold back. Fuck, I know it too well, so stop pushing me. I’m really doing everything I can.”

The mix of sorrow and anger that erupted from me came out raw and unfiltered.

“It might not be enough for you, but what else can I do? This is the best I can manage. Even if it doesn’t meet your expectations, this is my best.”

Lee Yiseon fell completely silent, looking at me with a complicated expression. He seemed to see me as a strange creature for revealing so much emotion. It was as if he was trying to figure out whether I had some hidden motive behind my outburst.

Moments like this remind me how different Lee Yiseon and I are. He hides his emotions, while I have no need to hide mine. We’re like oil and water.

“If you need me to dream, then find a way to make it happen. Don’t confuse me with these weird emotions.”

Don’t kiss me or touch my bare skin when you say you’re helping me with a bath. Don’t smile at me, and stop pretending to care. Be cruel. Use me. But keep that attitude until the end. Don’t leave any room for doubt.

That’s enough for us.

“Don’t get confused.”

It was more like a promise to myself.

Don’t get confused, Woo Hyunho. I can’t trust anyone. That’s the smartest thing to do. There’s no point in hoping someone will recognize my struggles, and it’s a harsh world to expect anyone to help.

No one will give me the right answer. I don’t even know the direction. All I can do is piece together the clues given to me and figure out what I can do. I have to accept that what I consider my best might seem inadequate or infuriating to someone else.

Let’s not feel wronged. I can’t do something that satisfies everyone. After all, I’m not a god, just an ordinary person. No, I’m even less than ordinary.

Lee Yiseon finally took his eyes off the bag of drugs and spoke.

“Come here.”

His voice, once sharp as a blade, softened, and a tenderness meant to reassure me seeped in. I tried not to be fooled by its sweetness.

“Woo Hyunho.”

I hate how he talks like melted candy.

From anger to sweetness, from irritation to consolation.

Does he think of me like a dog he’s training?

“Hyunho.”

That sugary voice just makes me feel worse.

“Don’t treat me kindly.”

“Hyunho, come here.”

“You’re really a bastard. Why do you keep confusing me? If you’re going to be angry, stay angry.”

“Come here, hurry.”

I pressed my lips together and glared at him. Lee Yiseon patiently called to me with that same kindness.

“Hyunho.”

Bastard…

I took a step toward him, full of resentment. Though I hesitated and stopped a few times, he stubbornly waited for me. He didn’t rush me or give any orders; he just watched me quietly.

It wasn’t until I was within reach that Lee Yiseon extended his hand. He grabbed my wrist tightly, not letting go. He gently stroked my wrist in time with my heartbeat. I didn’t want to be comforted by that touch.

“Did you go to the Doctor yourself and ask for drugs?”

He was confirming that taking the drugs was my own decision, without any coercion or threats. I nodded.

“…I went to ask if there was a way to dream.”

“So the solution was drugs?”

“There was no other way.”

“Tsk.”

With a displeased expression, he gave another command.

“Don’t take the drugs. Think of another way, instead.”

“Hey, Lee Yiseon.”

I couldn’t hold back my anger any longer.

“I’m trying to get used to being treated as ‘Prophet,’ but you keep calling me ‘Woo Hyunho.’ In a world where names mean nothing, why do you want me to be something other than Prophet?”

Lee Yiseon didn’t seem to realize the emotional turmoil he was causing, so I spelled it out for him.

“If you want me to be your colleague, friend, or family, just say so. But if you want me to remain Prophet, then you can’t stop me from doing whatever it takes. Whether it’s drugs or something else, to have a dream.”

Lee Yiseon looked like he was thinking deeply about what I said. It was as if he was reflecting on his inconsistent, complicated demands and emotions toward me. He looked confused, but of course, he didn’t share what he was really thinking.

For a while, the only sound was the ticking of the clock near the refrigerator, eating away at the silence. Without moving a muscle, Lee Yiseon tightened his grip on my wrist.

Squeeze.