CHDY 3

A sudden urge to disappear into the ground surged up. His mind, which had been agonizing between the two greetings ‘Thank you very much’  and ‘Thank you’, had ended up creating a strange portmanteau.

“……Ah.”

He froze, feeling defeated. He heard a small chuckle from above his head. Jaeon felt his face flush hot at a rapid pace.

“Did you go to the hospital?”

At his question, Jaeon became even more flustered. He looked around as if he did not know where to put himself. The man’s tone of voice sounded too gentle. He wondered if he was really talking to him and not someone else. He did not know how to react.

“Well, yes, no, ah, it’s just, it got better.”

I see, that’s a relief. The voice, responding softly, stuck in his eardrums. Jaeon, once again in a state of not knowing what he was doing, scanned the barcodes of the remaining items. After finishing the transaction, he offered the greeting that had become a habit.

“Thank you.”

The man did not leave immediately even after picking up his items. He stood there, looking down at Jaeon.

“See you around.”

“……Ah. Ah, yes.”

That damn ah, ah. Jaeon lamented inwardly and bowed his head.

“Get home safely.”

With a light nod in response as a farewell, the man turned away. He had a faint smile on his face until the very end.

The sound of the bell ringing as the door opened was unusually loud. Jaeon’s attention was drawn to the back of the customer, something he normally paid no mind to. He could see his back getting farther away outside the window. The large, long silhouette occupied the center of his vision until it grew smaller and disappeared.

Soon, the familiar sense of unreality set in. He felt more strongly than ever that he was alone. Jaeon rubbed his stiffened face vigorously. Hah, he let out a long breath. In the aftermath of the surprise-like encounter, only regret and longing remained each time.

I wanted to give him something.

While waiting for the man, he had planned a few things on his own. A word of thanks, and small services. But belying his determination, he could not even give him a proper greeting, let alone a service. Everything had ended with him fumbling around at the man’s sudden appearance and kindness.

“So stupid, really……”

He was tearing at his hair when a customer came in, and he lowered his arms. He felt so frustrated that he thought he would burst out sighing. He barely managed to resist the urge to beat his chest. When he was ringing up the purchase, he could feel the middle-aged male customer looking at him with suspicion. He guessed his cheeks must have turned red, which made him feel even hotter.

It was after the customer had left. Jaeon came face to face with his reflection in the window. The hair he had torn at was sticking out ridiculously. His cheeks were flushed, just as he had expected. He looked like an ugly fool.

‘See you around.’

The man’s voice replayed as if it had been recorded. Combing his hair with his fingers, Jaeon smiled without realizing it.

The man really did start to show his face often. Jaeon, who had fumbled every time he came, seemed to be gradually adapting. As their meetings repeated periodically, he began to treat him more and more naturally.

The man visited at a specific time depending on the day of the week. Thanks to that, Jaeon started checking the date and the clock more often than before. He began to fix his hair and clothes more often than before, and it became a habit to memorize his lines in his head beforehand.

Waiting was always accompanied by anxiety. Constantly checking himself was unfamiliar and tiring, but he had no thought of wanting to stop.

He liked seeing the man’s ever-changing appearance. He, who was the same every day, seemed like a common pebble, while the man looked like a mysterious jewel. The atmosphere that changed slightly each time he saw him was impressive. He would sometimes have his hair half-tied up, and sometimes he would wear thick glasses or a baseball cap. The types of piercings in his ears seemed to change from time to time.

He had expected him to have dyed hair from the rumors. The man’s hair in person was a deep black, and his black hair calmly covered his neck. It was the spot that overlapped with his tattoos. Each and every strand of hair looked like a part of a drawing connected to the tattoos.

He had the fairest skin of anyone Jaeon had ever seen in his life. He was also the person with the most flamboyant appearance he had ever met. Hair longer than others, multiple piercings, tattoos covering his skin. It was a combination that could easily look thuggish and messy, but it suited him. It looked like a natural accessory. It also looked like a means to neutralize his overly white, almost glowing skin. Everything melted into a part of him without the slightest bit of awkwardness.

Jaeon looked at his face in the mirror and adjusted his collar. It seemed a little wrinkled. Everywhere he looked, he just seemed dull. Swish, swish, he awkwardly stroked his cheek and moved away from the mirror. After tidying up, he was soon standing in his spot, lost in thought.

How have you been?

You look much better.

Have a nice day.

The words the man had said during his last visit came to mind. Such a gentle tone of voice for someone he did not know well. The man, who approached him with consistent friendliness, seemed only amazing. As it was a university area, many students came and went, but no one acted like the man. Even people who gave a basic greeting were rare.

In the first place, it was a culture where people did not readily greet or converse with strangers. They could not help but be used to a certain distance from others. Jaeon, too, was more accustomed to the walls someone put up than to someone’s kindness. That was why the man’s every word, every trivial action, was like a bombing on a calm water surface. It was like fireworks at a festival encountered in an unexpected place. By the time he came to his senses after being captivated by the intensity, everything was over.

These days, though, he could at least make eye contact and greet him. He had managed to become able to answer his questions. If possible, he wanted to treat him much more naturally, more intimately.

It was a series of days where he realized that prejudice was utterly useless. It was so when he saw the man who had an unapproachable appearance but whose actions were warmer than anyone’s. Looking at his eyes, he could tell how humane a character he had. He could feel how full of interest and consideration for others he was. In each of his small actions, he could glimpse the characteristic of a strong person.

Jaeon wanted to be like that aspect of the man. He, too, wanted to be a strong and warm person. Even if he could not become one, he wanted to at least make an effort to be like him.

He had been having such thoughts often these days. The thought that he was glad he could experience what kind of person he was firsthand. He even felt grateful that he could learn how gentle he was through their brief conversations. How warmly his eyes watched people, how considerate his tone of voice was, and how gentle a tone his voice had—those were things one could only know by experiencing them directly.

“Hey, you got a girlfriend or something?”

“……Pardon?”

The manager spoke to Jaeon, who had returned from restocking. Startled by the unfamiliar word ‘girlfriend’, Jaeon’s eyes widened.

“Why are you grinning like that? You look ecstatic.”

“Ah……”

He had not even realized he was smiling. Jaeon felt a flush of embarrassment as if he had been scolded and touched his cheek. Even after that, while tidying up his surroundings, he cleared his throat several times for no reason. He knew he had been overly excited, so he needed to be conscious of it and restrain himself.

Not long after the manager left, it started to rain. The chance of precipitation he had checked in the weather forecast was low, but he was glad he had brought an umbrella just in case.

As the rain grew heavier, more customers rushed into the convenience store. Aided by the unceasing rain, the umbrellas, both display items and stock, sold out quickly.

Looking out at the damp, dark street, Jaeon thought of the man. Does he have an umbrella? Is he coming at his usual time today? His questions were multiplying.

And finally, the one he had been waiting for arrived. It was about 30 minutes later than his usual arrival time. His shoulders, appearing with a baseball cap on, were considerably wet. Jaeon’s gaze lingered on his shoulders, which were broader and bulkier than others.

“Hello. It’s suddenly raining.”

Jaeon, who had expressed a sense of familiarity in his own way by saying, “You’re here,” asked.

“Do you…… not have an umbrella?”

“No. I was going to buy one along with cigarettes.”

“Ah……, what should I do.”

“Pardon?”

“We just ran out of all our umbrellas……”

Jaeon barely moved his lips, like a guilty person. I should have set one aside, he thought, biting the inside of his cheek, caught in regret. The man shrugged at Jaeon.

“Is that so? It doesn’t matter.”

It was hot, so I’ll just get a bit more soaked in the cool rain. Saying that, he picked out a few candy-type snacks from the display shelf. Jaeon was fidgeting inwardly like a person who had lost his way. The temperature outside could not be described as hot, even as a joke.

He requested to pay, along with the cigarettes he always bought. After the transaction was finished, for some reason, he held out one of the items.

“This is delicious.”

Jaeon asked back with a puzzled face.

“Pardon?”

He was in a gloomy state because he could not provide the man with an umbrella. In such a situation, Jaeon was flustered when the man offered him one of the things he had just paid for.

“Have some while you work.”

“Ah……”

He saw the plum-flavored caramel in the man’s hand. He was hesitating, not knowing if it was alright to accept it, when the man forcefully placed it in his hand. A coercive force and body heat lingered on Jaeon’s hand for a moment.

“Excuse me, just a moment!”

He called out to the man who was about to leave. The man stopped and turned around. Jaeon, who had put the caramel in his pocket, hurriedly went into the changing room at the back of the convenience store. When he came out again, there was an umbrella in his hand.

“If you don’t mind, you can have this……. I have a staff-use one, so I can use that to go home.”

He was shy, so his words came out stiffly. It also seemed to be because he was awkward trying to lie. In the first place, something like a staff-use item did not even exist.

“……”

The man silently looked down at the umbrella. At his action of just staring without a word, Jaeon’s limbs tightened anxiously.

“This makes it seem like I gave you the snack to get an umbrella, doesn’t it?”

He said, looking at Jaeon.

“Pardon? No, not at all, I didn’t think that.”

Jaeon became serious. Seeing the serious Jaeon, the man smiled as if it had been a joke.

“What do I do, I’m so grateful. I’ll use it well.”