DS 38

Eun-myeong nodded vigorously. His already wet eyes opened wide. As if grateful someone understood his feelings, confirming that yes, that’s exactly right.

“Y-yes.”

And with his lower lip firmly pressed, tears streamed down, like an oppressed child who had finally met their long-awaited savior.

“What was so…”

The man whispered softly, asking what was so scary. Seeing hair falling over the round forehead, he raised his hand. With his stiff middle finger, he brushed the hair back.

Even the texture of the hair was soft, wrapping around his hand. The imaginative man naturally recalled the feeling of the hair between Eun-myeong’s legs.

Not only was its color pretty, but it had no coarseness at all, wrapping nicely when twisted around fingers. When licked one by one, it had a smooth gloss as if having received expensive treatment.

Unaware of the dark thoughts running through the man’s mind, Eun-myeong seemed to like the touch, quietly leaning his head into the man’s hand. His cheek squished like a toy  in the man’s firm, rough palm. He appeared quite comforted.

His breaths, haa, haa, touched the man’s palm, light as a feather. It was quite an unfamiliar sensation for the man who had mostly held sharp and hard things in his hands. Until he got this one in his hands.

Eun-myeong’s rosy lips quivered.

“The-the director, he hit me.”

“Mm, he did.”

Too many thoughts seemed to be running through his mind as he separated and pressed his lips together several times.

“He called me retarded, and stuff, and said that’s why my parents abandoned me. But no matter how much I think about it, I don’t think that’s why I was abandoned, but he kept calling me stupid.”

Eun-myeong’s eyelids grew heavier, the drowsiness slowly taking over.  Not only had he spent nights in that cramped space, but his whole body was burning with fever.

“When I tried to go to school, he cut up my uniform…. Said there was no point in learning since I’d be sold as a whore anyway. I couldn’t even finish middle school, that’s why I became stupid…”

Yet, he wanted to keep telling things. He mumbled, not quite aware of what he was saying in his fever-addled state.

“I probably wasn’t born this stupid.”

Though he usually didn’t talk much, his  words poured out like a broken dam now. Perhaps he had missed the warmth of a human too desperately. The man had merely knocked on his heart unintentionally for amusement, but Eun-myeong poured out his emotions, as if something inside him had been unleashed. That became damp tears flowing down the man’s chest.

“But I’m not that stupid. I weave casting nets well, handle fishing nets well, make good spicy fish soup, and they said I serve well too…”

“Who said that?”

The man bent his head toward Eun-myeong and spoke in an uncharacteristically gentle voice. As if saying he would give him what he wanted if he listened well.

“…The Boss.”

His eyelids were almost completely closed. Round eyelashes cast shadows on his cheeks, like crescent moons. Sweat streamed down his forehead, suggesting he had been under no small amount of stress.

“Want to sleep?”

Yes, Eun-myeong nodded. Strength gradually left his neck and his limbs went limp. Then, he fell asleep in an instant. His small chest rose and fell,  as if fighting to stay alive. It was both ridiculous and amusing.

The man let out a snicker and tried to get up from the bed, but looked down at the hand tightly gripping his side. The small hand clutching his shirt showed a silent determination to never let go.

“Hah!” Only then did the man laugh shortly, his chest shaking. It was utterly ridiculous.

* * *

In Eun-myeong’s life, there were very few things he could call his own.

Most things came to him as hand-me-downs that flowed into the orphanage: a worn cotton padded jacket, a short-sleeve shirt with holes in the armpits, sneakers with loose heels.

The first new item Eun-myeong wrote his name on was a textbook. After writing “Lee Eun-myeong” in the book, the older Noona sat him down and taught him.

It was a book as precious to him as his life. “Eun-myeong, if people study well, they can become good people and earn lots of money,” the Noona would say habitually.

Eun-myeong didn’t know what made someone a good person. But he wanted to earn lots of money

, as much as possible. So he liked studying.

Moreover, learning something meant filling his empty life with something new, filling the void inside. He really liked that aspect too.

So,  when the director tore his books to pieces, it felt like his heart was being torn into shreds.

The director cut up even his school uniform to show him what happens when he doesn’t listen. Eun-myeong begged, saying he was sorry and would never work or read books again, but the uniform immediately became rags.

From then on, he had to give up school and work. For Eun-myeong, desire meant giving up. He learned not to be greedy before something else could be taken from him.

After that, whether he saw delicious food  or nice things, he was quick to turn his eyes away, telling himself they weren’t for him, not wanting to have them just for it to be pried away.

* * *

He had a long dream. His head felt heavy. His mind was hazy, as if dark clouds had gathered, caused mayhem and then dispersed without a trace.

Slowly lifting his heavy eyes, the first thing he saw was a tanned chest. It was hard, like brown concrete blocks placed on either side.

The next thing Eun-myeong discovered were scars both large and small, etched deep in the skin…

Fishes would have their mouths torn when caught on fish hooks, left ragged without healing properly. The scars looked just like that. Traces that had become grotesquely raised from not being treated properly.

Eun-myeong traced them one by one with his eyes.

‘Can’t breathe…’

Suddenly his chest felt tight. Looking closer, Eun-myeong was being held tightly by the man. His thick arm was resting heavily on Eun-myeong’s stomach. It seemed strange that just one arm could be this heavy.

Moreover, though he was sure his body had been filthy before falling asleep… The fishy smell was gone, as if the man had washed him. It must have smelled terribly bad…. He found himself carefully watching the man’s expression, worried that he might be angry, since he usually took such care with his appearance.

The man was sleeping beside him with his eyes closed. His thick eyebrows were slightly furrowed, maintaining a sharp look even in sleep.

However, after only seeing the Boss who was always alert and tense, seeing him now, calm and relaxed,  stirred new feelings in Eun-myeong.

Though the man’s chest was so big it felt stifling, Eun-myeong remained deathly still. He was afraid that if he moved even slightly and woke the man, he would no longer hold him. He even deliberately kept his breathing shallow, worried about breathing too loudly.

When he thought about how the man was holding him, even the uncomfortable tightness felt cozy.

“Mmm…”

Instead, it was the man who groaned and shifted. Eun-myeong’s world, pressed against him, began to shake. Creeak creeak, the bed springs screamed for help. In contrast, Eun-myeong held his breath, staying utterly still.

“Hmm.”

With a low, rough groan, the man pulled Eun-myeong even closer. Then he buried his nose in Eun-myeong’s neck. Huff, huff. Heavy breaths poured over his skin.

‘It tickles.’ . Eun-myeong shrank his neck. Then he lightly held the man’s waist. Just the hem, just the edge slightly. He summoned all the courage he could muster.

Thump, thump, thump. Through their touching skin, he could hear the man’s heartbeat. Like his body, even his heartbeat was strong. Listening to that sound quietly made him feel very reassured.

His heart welled up at the thought that he wasn’t alone when he woke up. Though he tried to hold back tears by biting his lips hard, he couldn’t suppress the rising sobs.

So Eun-myeong cried quietly, holding his breath. Drawing his breathing in as quietly as possible, he bit down on the back of his hand. This prevented sound from leaking out. It was a skill he’d learned from crying secretly at night in the orphanage.

Like being tied up tightly with rope, Eun-myeong could barely move in the man’s arms, only able to wiggle his moonlight-bathed toes slightly.

Then he drifted back to sleep. The teardrops hanging from his eyelashes slowly rolled down his round cheeks.