RCKS 37

Looking at Ham Sejin, who was indirectly telling her to find someone she wanted, Shin Soohyun smiled bitterly. But she quickly composed her expression and nodded. Ham Sejin was the first alpha Shin Soohyun had ever encountered, even from a distance, during her teenage years.

The 17-year-old Ham Sejin, who had smiled as if in full bloom back then, was still deeply ingrained in her memory, and in the end, Shin Soohyun’s preference had solidified into older alphas.

The Ham Sejin she met again looked even more mature than before. Despite being only a year older, he had a more mature aura than his age, perhaps due to his tall stature and his unique cool atmosphere. For that reason, she was drawn to him again.

But the sight of him constantly on his phone and his expression of intent just now were signals of rejection that Shin Soohyun couldn’t ignore even if she tried. Should she consider it kind that he had let her know before her feelings deepened? With that thought, Shin Soohyun got up from her seat.

“What’s up, Soohyun? Bathroom?”

“I’m going to go check out the inside.”

“Really? Then let’s go together! Jihoo, you want to come?”

“It feels a bit wrong to send Shin Soohyun alone, so I’ll go too.”

At Lee Seokjae’s words, Kim Jihoo spoke evasively, looking unnecessarily self-conscious, and Lee Seokjae ruffled Kim Jihoo’s hair as if he were cute. At that, Kim Jihoo protested, telling him to stop, and shook his head, and their actions quickly turned into informal playfulness. It seemed Kim Jihoo needed an excuse to have enjoyed himself due to unavoidable circumstances, even though he originally had no interest in clubs or hitting on people.

And so, the three of them went inside the pub. As the night grew darker, the indoor atmosphere had changed to that of a club with flashy neon lights, so their intentions were obvious. They wanted to have a fun, exciting, and slightly debaucherous night like everyone else. It would be nice if they could find a decent partner and make them a one-day partner in the process, and even if not, wasn’t the experience of getting drunk on the atmosphere worth trying at least once?

On the other hand, Lee Yoonsan sat in the corner of the couch, sipping a non-alcoholic cocktail and looking enviously at his friends and Lee Seokjae heading indoors. Hwang Haekyyun, sitting next to him, seemed to be marking Lee Yoonsan’s every move, even the act of getting up from his seat. What’s more, thanks to the alpha Hwang Haekyung sitting right next to him, people’s gazes didn’t linger on Lee Yoonsan for long. Even the brief attention he did get gathered on Hwang Haekyung, who was sitting close beside him, before scattering. That was proof that Lee Yoonsan, next to Hwang Haekyung, currently looked like an omega with a partner.

“Aren’t you drinking, Haekyung?”

“I have to drive.”

“The others got a room at the hotel next to here. It’s not far on foot, so you could sleep there….”

“You should sleep at home.”

In a space that was entirely free-spirited, only the two of them had a dissonant atmosphere. It was natural. While Lee Yoonsan was busy watching Hwang Haekyung’s reactions and glancing around, Hwang Haekyung was expressionless and seemed to have no interest in his surroundings. So Lee Yoonsan tried to suggest a drink to at least liven up the mood, but he was blocked by Hwang Haekyung’s blocking.

Even though Hwang Haekyung had seen his friends and Lee Yoonsan’s friends get a room at a nearby hotel a little while ago, he wouldn’t let Lee Yoonsan go. His steadfast assertion was that regardless of whether his friends got a room here in Seogwipo, he and Lee Yoonsan would go back to their second house in Jeju City to sleep.

“You can’t walk on your own, can you?”

While Lee Yoonsan was at a loss for what to do in this situation where dissatisfaction and a strange sense of anticipation were alternately rising, Hwang Haekyung, with his eyes half-closed, gestured toward Lee Yoonsan’s injured foot with his eyes and spoke. By the time Lee Yoonsan lowered his gaze following Hwang Haekyung’s and then raised it again, his eyes had already met his. And at a very close distance. In fact, this was unavoidable. Since the sound of the music from the indoor club in the lounge was echoing loudly even outdoors, they had to speak in a loud voice or this close to have a conversation. As if they were inside a club.

“I can, I can walk on my own. It’s just that the sole of my foot is injured.”

“But there are too many guys who drink and do stupid things here.”

“What?”

“And it’s easy to do whatever you want with a kid with an injured foot.”

Hwang Haekyung’s voice was low as he spoke, frowning as if the mere thought was annoying. So Lee Yoonsan, with his eyes wide, didn’t know what to do and scanned Hwang Haekyung’s face. He looked a little troubled, and a bit annoyed, but the most prominent emotion was frustration. But he didn’t take back his words. It meant that he had intended to say them.

At that, Lee Yoonsan’s cheeks flushed red again. If just a moment ago the strange sense of anticipation had risen to his waist, it was now up to his neck, lapping and making him breathless. The attitude Hwang Haekyung had shown him today and the words he had said kept making him expect something. He still didn’t know the reason why he had cut off contact with him for the past two years, but he needed a clear explanation for his actions today of constantly trying to take care of him or guard him from his surroundings.

“Why… why do you treat everyone who’s having fun here like that….”

But just imagining demanding that explanation was enough to make Lee Yoonsan’s heart feel like it would burst, so for now, he just blurted out whatever he could. No, actually, it wasn’t completely random. The extreme leap in logic that all omegas would flirt with a good-looking alpha and Hwang Haekyung’s assumption that the alphas here would target Lee Yoonsan with his injured foot were not in such different contexts. Lee Yoonsan found the former example to be very unpleasant and ridiculous. That’s why the latter situation was also a little embarrassing and awkward. So, at the words he grumbled, filled with that embarrassment and awkwardness, Hwang Haekyung looked around nonchalantly and continued.

“I don’t want to force anything on you. But then again, you lack vigilance toward your surroundings.”

“…What did I….”

“The fact that you’ve been falling down a lot since you were little, and that injured foot, aren’t they all in a similar context?”

When they were young, Hwang Haekyung had been annoyed by the Lee Yoonsan who fell down a lot. He would fall and lag behind even when they were running around and playing together, and whine that it hurt. At that time, Hwang Haekyung was a child who found it more fun to run around and play with his friends right away than to comfort the younger Lee Yoonsan who had fallen and was crying.

“This was because I didn’t know there would be glass bottles on the beach.”

“To not get hurt and not fall, you either have to be careful, or your surroundings have to not be dangerous.”

But not now. It was different now from back then, when they knew nothing and were just children.

“I’ll say it again, I have no intention of forcing anything on you. I can just manage your surroundings instead of you.”

It can’t be helped if it seems like I’m making a fuss. Hwang Haekyung said that in a calm voice and took a sip of his non-alcoholic cocktail. The Blue Hawaiian cocktail, which contained no alcohol at all, was just like lemonade. Lee Yoonsan stared blankly at Hwang Haekyung, then lowered his head. It was only then that he understood Hwang Haekyung’s actions today.

He had prevented his friends from coming down from the second floor, and at the beach pub where hitting on people was frequent, he had remained sitting right next to him. Even when he looked around, his eyes were filled with vigilance, not curiosity. It was just that Lee Yoonsan hadn’t moved because he was being mindful of him; Hwang Haekyung had never told Lee Yoonsan not to move or not to go anywhere. It was all about trying to control Lee Yoonsan’s surroundings, not telling Lee Yoonsan what to do. This was clearly overprotection.

But Lee Yoonsan’s final mood would be determined by the source of this overprotection. He would be able to know how Hwang Haekyung saw him depending on whether he considered him a target of protection ‘because he judged him to be weak,’ or whether he was blocking others around him ‘because he liked’ him.

Lee Yoonsan found it hard to breathe properly because of the anticipation that kept swelling like a balloon. Just as it’s hard to breathe when you’re so full your stomach feels like it will burst, this time, a huge expectation had inflated in his chest and was obstructing his breathing. It was a very overwhelming and trembling feeling. It was an expectation and a heart that had once died out when Hwang Haekyung cut off contact, but it had grown again, nourished by all his words and actions today.

Lee Yoonsan, with a slightly troubled smile, opened his mouth with a sigh. No, it wasn’t a sigh, but rather closer to exhaling the breath that had welled up because his chest was tight.

“…You’ve really changed from when you were little.”

“Back then, I didn’t know why our parents adored you so much.”

“…That’s true for me too.”

“But now I know.”

The salty air of the beach and the loud beat of the music were making the surrounding air throb and pound. The things Hwang Haekyung had said just now were an unusual explanation and an excuse. And they were also words that fanned the flames of Lee Yoonsan’s anticipation, which had risen to his neck.

Why are you saying that to me? Do you like me too? Those two questions hovered on the tip of his tongue. He wanted to ask, but he wasn’t sure if he should. He was worried he might be jumping to conclusions, and he was worried the atmosphere would become awkward afterward. It couldn’t be helped.

Throughout his teenage years, Lee Yoonsan had become accustomed to holding onto expectations from the thrill Hwang Haekyung gave him, only to have to calm his heart down. It was like a well-trained habit, so even after hearing such heart-fluttering words, he became cautious out of habit. Hwang Haekyung had just said that he lacked vigilance, but that was wrong. Because Lee Yoonsan was being this cautious even in the current atmosphere. So Lee Yoonsan decided not to ask a direct question, but to just test the waters a little.

“Haekyung, what you just said….”

“I want you to date a beta.”

Not an alpha you’d meet at a place like this, but a beta with no pheromones and no ruts. At Hwang Haekyung’s continuing addendum, Lee Yoonsan lifted his head and looked at Hwang Haekyung. His down-turned eyes, which had been tense and focused, were filled with astonishment as if he had heard something unbelievable, and his gentle expression was slightly distorted. Hwang Haekyung looked steadily at Lee Yoonsan and met his eyes, and Lee Yoonsan asked back as if in disbelief.

“What did you mean by that just now?”

“Exactly what I said. I want you to meet someone who is safe for you. Not a first meeting that starts at a place like this, but a really safe and guaranteed….”

“…Are you serious?”

It was like sticking a needle into his swollen anticipation that had made him breathless and pouring cold water on it. No, he really felt that sensation. Just as your body and mind shrink and you get a fierce shock when you’re suddenly doused with cold water, he felt as if the balloon in his heart that had been inflated to the point of bursting had been pricked with a needle and popped in an instant. So he asked again. His heart, which had been beating furiously and hotly, had suddenly stiffened, to the point that he imagined his chest was hurting. That’s how much what Hwang Haekyung had said was something Lee Yoonsan had never even imagined.

No, actually, it wasn’t something he hadn’t imagined at all. It might have even been the worst-case scenario he had secretly worried about. Even back when he was exchanging DMs with Hwang Haekyung, Lee Yoonsan was well aware of the worst-case possibility that lay at the foundation. The possibility that the kindness and friendliness Hwang Haekyung showed him might be the fondness and goodwill brought on by the delight of meeting a childhood friend again.

They hadn’t been on good terms when they were young, but the feelings upon meeting again as adults could be new. Both of their parents still maintained a close relationship, and they, who had been young, had now grown up enough to fully understand that relationship. Even if it wasn’t the case when they were young, they had now acquired the smoothness and pretense to fit into their parents’ family friendships.

And crucially, the rein that had prevented him from letting go of that negative hypothesis until now was Hwang Haekyung’s loss of contact. If Hwang Haekyung had really contacted him because he had a romantic-like interest in him, he wouldn’t have cut off contact so one-sidedly and futilely.

And then, in the end, the worst-case scenario that Lee Yoonsan had feared had come to pass. Right now, very suddenly, through Hwang Haekyung’s gentle and mature voice, a terrible sentence had been handed down.

“…I need to use the restroom.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“No.”

That’s a bit embarrassing. Lee Yoonsan said that to Hwang Haekyung, who was trying to get up to follow him, then got up from his seat and limped away. He was in such a hurry to move that he didn’t have the luxury of checking Hwang Haekyung’s expression as he watched him from behind.

After arriving at the restroom inside, Lee Yoonsan turned on the cold water and washed his face. His own reflection, which was bright red not just on his face but all the way down to his neck, was reflected in the mirror. He stared blankly at the mirror, and another wave of shame washed over him at the flush that rose on his dark-skinned face. People around him glanced at Lee Yoonsan once in a while before leaving, but he didn’t have the余裕to care about that.

Every moment that he had expected all the goodwill Hwang Haekyung had shown him to be a sign of interest in him was embarrassing, mortifying, and flustering. At the same time, a question also arose. Was it really just goodwill? Do you show goodwill to all your friends like that? As he poured out such resentment and suspicion inwardly, even these actions felt unsophisticated. His dark-skinned face and flushed cheeks reflected in the mirror, his own judgment in misunderstanding Hwang Haekyung’s goodwill, and his overly excited heart—all of it.

The Hwang Haekyung of now was clearly different from the Hwang Haekyung of his childhood. He was kind to him, gentle, tried to protect him like an older brother, and took care of him more than his friends. It was a complete contrast to the Hwang Haekyung who used to ditch him and disappear with his friends when they were young. But at the same time, it was also similar.

Because now he was ditching not his footsteps, but his heart.

Of course, even if he hadn’t intended it, all the actions he had shown him until now were irresponsible goodwill and irresponsible affection. At least, that’s what Lee Yoonsan thought, and that was the unfair part.

“So pathetic….”

No, actually, he knew that wasn’t the problem. What crime did the person who was being nice to him commit? So in the end, this shame, embarrassment, and mortification were his to bear. Hwang Haekyung might have just been being kind to a childhood friend. That’s why he had exchanged DMs with him during their school days when they couldn’t meet, performed a ceremony for his childhood friend at a game, and even endured the hardship of coming all that way in the middle of the night just to see his face for a moment and go back. For a childhood friend he had known since he was little, whose families were also exceptionally close.

Lee Yoonsan tried hard to think that way. Because otherwise, he felt like he would keep searching for reasons and resentment. And he was worried he might come to hate Hwang Haekyyung. The only saving grace was that he hadn’t directly revealed his feelings to Hwang Haekyung. The question full of anticipation had been thwarted before it was even completed, and he hadn’t yet said how he felt. So the only comfort was that if he just calmed his heart down as it was, their original relationship would somehow be possible.

‘This isn’t right…. What’s the point of continuing like this?’

Just because I hide my feelings, does that mean we’re still friends? From the moment I started liking Haekyung, this wasn’t a friendship anymore, was it? Can a friendship that is maintained only by hiding and killing my own feelings be called a real relationship? Whether it’s for Hwang Haekyung’s sake, or to continue seeing him and maintaining the relationship, why do I have to put my own feelings on the back burner? No, but if I don’t just swallow this, won’t Hwang Haekyung try to avoid me? The atmosphere might become awkward, or he might not hang out with me like before. I don’t want that. But what am I supposed to do if I ignore my own feelings?

Staring blankly at the water dripping from the tip of his chin, Lee Yoonsan thought. He couldn’t organize his thoughts at all. All sorts of thoughts were constantly vying for dominance and piling up like a command tower being built, and the thoughts that piled up in that way rather concealed the initial gist.

Lee Yoonsan pressed both his eyes tightly with the palms of his hands. His eyes felt dry and his eyelids heavy, as if heat had gathered around them. It was also a symptom that appeared when he was stressed. So after washing his face with cold water one more time, he roughly dried it with a paper towel and left the restroom. He was afraid Hwang Haekyung would come looking for him if he was gone for too long. Since he himself hadn’t sorted anything out yet, he wanted to face Hwang Haekyung as late as possible, at least for now.