RCKS 39

“Shall we get up, then?”

Lee Yoonsan denied the situation, feeling embarrassed without even realizing it. He felt ashamed because Choi Garam’s eyes, looking at them, seemed busy. As if asking if he was messing around despite having company.

Hwang Haekyung’s attitude, suddenly appearing and ruining the mood, was also strangely rude. Hwang Haekyung was treating Choi Garam, who had recognized him, almost as if he were invisible. That must have meant he had no intention of continuing a conversation with Choi Garam, and it was also an act that shattered the atmosphere in which Lee Yoonsan and Choi Garam had been talking.

Choi Garam, seeming to have understood that signal, looked at the two people before him with a peculiar expression. Lee Yoonsan, on the other hand, was annoyed by Hwang Haekyung acting so openly like his guardian. This kindness from Hwang Haekyung, which had shattered his expectations, was not what Lee Yoonsan wanted. It was surely intended to protect and take care of him as an older brother would a younger one who was a weak person with an injured foot.

Therefore, Lee Yoonsan ultimately became a little angry at Hwang Haekyung. The emotions he had painstakingly calmed in the restroom felt like they were seething and boiling up again.

“Sorry. I think I have to go.”

“I must have made a mistake. I didn’t know you had a partner.”

“It’s not like that.”

“What’s not like what?”

As Lee Yoonsan, whose mood had soured in an instant, stood up from his seat and apologized to Choi Garam, Choi Garam replied with a light shrug of his shoulders. At the same time, it seemed he had a huge misunderstanding, and when Lee Yoonsan corrected him, this time Hwang Haekyung’s voice cut in. It was a blunt and cold voice, as if displeased about something.

“If you don’t have a partner, then give him your ID and go. That much is okay, right?”

“…Okay.”

However Choi Garam interpreted that scene, he once again showed a friendly attitude. He got down from the stool and held out his phone to Lee Yoonsan, who was now standing, and Lee Yoonsan found his social media ID on the man’s phone. His desire to leave this spot was the strongest, and it was also true that he was curious about Choi Garam’s friendly attitude, so there was no reason not to give it to him.

Choi Garam was the Beta that Hwang Haekyung had told him to try meeting, the first person to send him sexual flirtations, and he was the same age. Nothing bad would happen just from giving him his account. If things got weird, he could just block him.

Hwang Haekyung stood behind Lee Yoonsan with his arms crossed, staring intently at the two of them. He watched the process of Lee Yoonsan typing his account ID into Choi Garam’s phone, and the way Choi Garam smiled while looking at Lee Yoonsan’s face.

A feeling of displeasure rose within him. He wanted to stop Lee Yoonsan’s actions or chase Choi Garam away right now, but the basis for such actions was weak. If he were asked, ‘Who do you think you are?’, he wouldn’t be able to argue back. Rather, he would just make himself look ridiculous. Nothing had been sorted out in Hwang Haekyung’s mind yet, and nothing was clear. Therefore, the best Hwang Haekyung could do was to clench his jaw and endure it, so as not to throw a punch at Choi Garam who was right in front of him.

Hwang Haekyung was no longer a teenager, and he knew very well that he shouldn’t let his vigor and temper get the best of him and throw a punch first, like he did when he was eighteen. The reason the Hwang Haekyung of that time could be forgiven was because the opponent he had punched was also an Alpha, and because the excuse of being an unstable minor had worked.

But now, Hwang Haekyung was an adult who had entered a stable period, the person in front of him might not be an Alpha, and above all, he did not want to act violently in front of Lee Yoonsan. The mere thought of Lee Yoonsan being scared of him was horrifying.

“I’ll contact you.”

“…I might not be able to reply right away.”

Choi Garam, having received Lee Yoonsan’s account ID, smiled brightly and let Lee Yoonsan go. Lee Yoonsan gave Choi Garam the most indirect and negative signal he could and limped away from the spot. Hwang Haekyung tried to support Lee Yoonsan by grabbing his arm, but this time, Lee Yoonsan decisively shook his hand off, expressing his refusal.

Hwang Haekyung looked at Lee Yoonsan with an expression that said he couldn’t understand him, but Lee Yoonsan’s only goal was to get out of the establishment, regardless of how Hwang Haekyung saw him. In that moment, he didn’t even think of the rest of their group.

He couldn’t control his emotions well. So his head and his heart were both a mess. He was even angry at Hwang Haekyung’s actions of taking care of him, and though he now knew the reason clearly, he couldn’t get angry. Because the other person seemed calm. Because he probably had no idea why he was acting this way. If he exploded and got angry at someone like that, only his own sense of shame would rise. And above all, he couldn’t even imagine the look on Hwang Haekyung’s face as he watched him get angry in such a ridiculous way. So he wanted to face Hwang Haekyung after calming himself down a bit, but he grew more and more angry at him for not even allowing that and continuously following him.

“Don’t follow me!”

Lee Yoonsan finally shouted at Hwang Haekyung, who was walking behind him at a certain distance. But even at Lee Yoonsan’s shout, Hwang Haekyung merely put another step of distance between them and did not stop following. The two had already left the establishment and were walking, and Lee Yoonsan had walked a considerable distance despite his unsteady steps.

The two walked on quietly, maintaining that certain distance. Lee Yoonsan walked diligently using his heel and his uninjured foot, and Hwang Haekyung followed, keeping a distance of about five or six steps behind him. In the middle of it, if it looked like Lee Yoonsan was about to be bumped by someone, Hwang Haekyung would approach to guard him, and then move away again, repeating the process. As they did so, it seemed they had arrived at the beach of Saekdal Beach.

Lee Yoonsan thought about taking off his shoes and walking once he reached the beach, but he soon remembered the bandage wrapped around one of his feet and just walked on. The crunch of the sand under his shoes and the sound of the waves reaching his ears felt comforting. Having just come from a place like a loud club, even the sound of the waves, which was quite close, sounded like white noise.

Lee Yoonsan barely managed to stop himself from looking back at Hwang Haekyung, who was following him. He had not yet sorted out his feelings and his position.

It was not only difficult to give up on or hide his feelings right away, but now he didn’t even know if that was the right thing to do. It was something the adolescent Lee Yoonsan would not have been able to imagine. For a while, from right before he entered his presentation period, Lee Yoonsan had been a child who considered hiding things a virtue.

In fact, he had been busy hiding most things, like the fact that his friends didn’t get along well with him, and the pain he felt after his presentation. His mothers were too busy, and he wanted to be a good son to them. Because he wanted to see the happy faces of his mothers, who would call him a good son even when he ran a very minor errand, for much longer. It was a ‘hiding habit’ that had started for such a simple reason, and after he entered puberty, those habits had left their mark on his personality.

So, if he thought about it carefully, most of the incidents in Lee Yoonsan’s life where he hadn’t hidden or endured things were related to Hwang Haekyung. Lee Yoonsan had not hesitated to tell the adults about Hwang Haekyung’s wrongdoing at the campsite, and when he was annoyed with Hwang Haekyung, he had even punished him with an arm-wrestling match. It was possible because he was young, and because there were adults who would accept it.

It was the same during his adolescent years. Contacting Hwang Haekyung was indeed a ‘hidden thing,’ but the messages he sent to Hwang Haekyung were honest. From the video transmission mistake that was so explicit it made him feel ashamed, to the pheromones he had unknowingly let out on the rooftop of the reading room. It was embarrassing, but these were all things he had expressed honestly to Hwang Haekyung, to the point of being completely exposed. And Hwang Haekyung had accepted all of it without once making him feel embarrassed.

As his thoughts reached that point, Lee Yoonsan suddenly felt a surge of unfairness and welled up. He wasn’t the only one making a fuss. All this time, and today too, Hwang Haekyung was the one who made him feel this way. He acted as if he was looking after him because he was his younger brother with an injured foot and an Omega, but he acted as if he was doing it because he especially liked him. Didn’t he take care of him more than his old friends? Unlike at the campsite in their childhood. So comparatively, so easily distinguishable.

“Yoonsan.”

“……”

“Let’s stop walking. Your foot hurts.”

Meanwhile, Hwang Haekyung, who had been following Lee Yoonsan in silence, spoke to the back of his round head. His voice was mixed with a low laugh, but it was closer to the sound of laughing out of a sense of futility.

The entire time he walked behind Lee Yoonsan, Hwang Haekyung pondered when he could take him home. He was now more worried about Lee Yoonsan’s foot than why he was acting like this. It seemed he had walked at least over 200 meters from the pub to the beach. It couldn’t be called a long distance, but because Lee Yoonsan, with his injured foot, had walked slowly with a limp, quite some time had passed. The surrounding beach was enveloped in a deep blue night, and although there were people strolling along the beach here and there, it was much less crowded than at sunset. The beach, sparkling in spots from groups playing with sparklers in the distance, certainly looked different from how it had from the pub lounge.

Lee Yoonsan continued to walk without answering Hwang Haekyung’s words. He didn’t look back at him even once, even though it was clear he was forcing himself to walk, his calves, exposed below his shorts, tensed with effort. So, something was still in a twisted state. As soon as Hwang Haekyung thought that this state was still ongoing, he felt his anxiety stir up even more uneasiness. He wanted to make Lee Yoonsan stop walking right now and take him home.

He still didn’t know what kind of conversation he should have with Lee Yoonsan, but he was more than willing to apologize if he had made a mistake. If only it could make Lee Yoonsan feel better. And once Lee Yoonsan felt better, he would say it. That he hopes he doesn’t contact the guy he exchanged social media IDs with at the pub earlier. He would give him ample warning that it could be quite dangerous, and tell him that he hopes he aims for safer relationships. As Lee Yoonsan’s hyung, and as a long-time childhood friend and acquaintance who had known Lee Yoonsan since they were young.

“Clumsy…”

“Aack!”

Just as Hwang Haekyung was about to tell Lee Yoonsan to go home once more, Lee Yoonsan, who was walking ahead, fell onto the sandy beach with a loud cry. It seemed his foot had caught on something. Hwang Haekyung quickly ran to him, knelt down, and checked his condition. Lee Yoonsan lifted his messy face and looked at Hwang Haekyung. His face hadn’t hit the sand, but his eyes, which looked on the verge of tears, and the downturned corners of his mouth were filled with sorrow.

Hwang Haekyung, who met that face head-on, froze with his eyes wide open. Right now, Lee Yoonsan’s face looked just like the face of that little kid Lee Yoonsan from when he was 7 to 10 years old. The little kid Lee Yoonsan whom he had found annoying, whom the adults had adored, and whom Hwang Haekyung, belatedly, had now come to adore as well.

“Why do you keep following me!”

“First, let’s see if your foot is okay.”

“I did what you wanted! So why are you interfering?! Why don’t you listen to a single thing I say?!”

“What?”

Lee Yoonsan felt his head throb a little and realized he couldn’t control his emotions as he wanted. That was why his mind was in such a mess that he had walked and walked, but as if things were not meant to work out, he had fallen again. After his knees hit the sandy ground, he had managed to support himself with both arms to keep his face from scraping, but at that moment, he remembered what Hwang Haekyung had said.

‘You used to fall a lot when you were little, too.’

—is what he had said at the amusement park that autumn day. And what he had said earlier about him lacking awareness of his surroundings.

He was annoyed because everything Hwang Haekyung had said seemed to be true. No, he just hated himself for being so emotionally turbulent no matter what Hwang Haekyung did. He also hated and found it ridiculous that Hwang Haekyung was so openly cherishing him. After showing such a sight as falling in that situation, everything felt trivial and messy.

Hwang Haekyung, who was crouched in front of him with a surprised expression, the distant black sky beyond him, the waves that lapped and soaked the sand, and the salty scent that reached his nose all felt like they were happening to someone else. Because the scene before his eyes was beautiful beyond compare. Therefore, only his current self, a complete mess, felt isolated and detached.

It was a kind of sorrow. His insides were a mess, yet Hwang Haekyung seemed to know nothing, and the beach at night in this tourist spot was peaceful. In the midst of it all, only his heart was in a mire, a mess, and so he felt a bit pathetic. He realized that in this entire situation, he was the only one with different emotions. He was the only one making a fuss, only him.

So, all Lee Yoonsan had to do was ignore his own heart. Then, he could continue to get along well with Hwang Haekyung without any awkwardness, and there would be no problems with the relationship between their families. To say it again, if only Lee Yoonsan himself ignored his heart.

That is, if even Lee Yoonsan himself were to turn his back on his own heart.

“Why did you interfere earlier…”

Lee Yoonsan said resentfully, his voice slightly hoarse. His voice sounded somewhat drained of energy, and also weary. And it was true; he was exhausted from being saturated with too many thoughts. The delayed effect of the alcohol had also made his emotions fluctuate wildly.

“I told you, there are no other Alphas next to you today.”

“Garam is a Beta…”

The Beta you told me to meet.

“Lee Yoonsan.”

“……”

“I’d rather you not say his name.”

“What n…?”

“Another person’s name.”

But Lee Yoonsan didn’t want to turn away from his own heart. Because his abandoned heart would be too pitiful. It was a heart that no one knew about; if he too were to ignore it and pretend it never existed, wouldn’t that be too sad?

Besides, this relationship had already stopped being a friendship from the moment he started liking Hwang Haekyung. What good would it do for Hwang Haekyung to treat him as just a younger brother or a friend? His heart had already changed. If so, was it worth maintaining by deceiving Hwang Haekyung? When it wasn’t a real relationship? Did he really have to treat his own feelings so trivially?

‘Look at this, again.’

Moreover, Hwang Haekyung’s attitude towards him right now was unbelievable. Because he was treating him so preciously. Running over the moment he fell, kneeling down without caring if his own clothes got dirty to check on his injured younger brother could be considered the attitude of a friend and guardian, but telling him not to say Choi Garam’s name was crossing the line. Who do you think you are? As far as Lee Yoonsan was concerned, Hwang Haekyung had never earned the right to say such a thing to him.

So, Lee Yoonsan just decided to take his own heart’s side. He no longer wanted to ignore himself, whom even Hwang Haekyung was treating preciously. He already liked Hwang Haekyung, and it was just this morning that he had held on for dear life, afraid he would disappear before his eyes again like two years ago. For the sake of outward comfort and peace, his own heart was precious enough not to be ignored even by himself. If I don’t look after my own heart, who will? That’s what Lee Yoonsan thought.