ACJY C29

He tried to sleep with the man but failed. Drinking and going to bed early was torture. Normally, this was just the beginning of his night. He stared at the ceiling and sighed deeply.

“Why did I quit Judo, you ask?”

The words tumbled out.

“Judo’s great. You don’t have to brawl like those punks, no need for kicking. Just grab their sleeve and those bastards are on the ground beneath you in an instant. It’s so simple. Don’t you think? But the thing is, people don’t know moderation. When you’re too good? You change. Not the bullshit about humility and courtesy, but you start looking for something more stimulating.”

Taeheun made a fist.

“Grabbing someone by the throat is more fun than grabbing their arm or sleeve, and once you’ve got them by the throat, you want to punch them in the face. That’s what happens. I’ve beaten someone to death with these fists. A person is nothing. Just a few punches and bones shatter. Do you know how vivid that sound is? And the feeling? Since I’m talking to Mr. Gibeom, honestly, it’s better than sex. I couldn’t control the excitement. It doesn’t hurt even if you get hit. Even when blood splatters, it’s not scary.”

That day, as he heard the sound of the opponent’s bones shattering under his fist, this is what he thought:

I could really kill someone.

At least he was better than other people in that he knew when to stop. After that, he never hit anyone with his bare hands again. He felt sorry and ashamed in front of his master. I’m not a martial artist, he thought. I’m no different from those thugs at the company. Disappointed in himself, he distanced himself from the dojo. He stopped going altogether after his master moved to the countryside.

If only he had known how to stop then, just like he stopped Judo.

His thoughts naturally drifted to the family in the two-story house. It was already a broken family. He didn’t have to do it that way. If he had just smashed their belongings and hit them a few times, they wouldn’t have felt so humiliated. What Taeheun did was cruel, excessive, and more violent than any physical assault. He insulted and destroyed their dignity.

“I’m a fucking bad guy. But I hope Mr. Gibeom doesn’t find out. Jihye too.”

The man tossed and turned, groaning. His breathing grew heavier. Turning towards Taeheun, the man frowned deeply. His eyelashes fluttered. Taeheun thought he might open his eyes, but soon his breathing calmed down.

Taeheun lay next to the man for a little while longer before getting up. Instead of going to his room, he went back to the living room.

Standing in the living room, he could see outside the fence. But it was nothing but pitch-black darkness.

Fucking world.

He put a cigarette in his mouth.

3.

At 4:30 a.m., the alarm went off. Taeheun frowned, reaching for the blanket, but finding nothing, he opened his eyes. He cursed under his breath. He seemed to have fallen asleep on the living room floor wearing only his underwear. His back ached.

The man stopped when he saw Taeheun as he walked out of the bedroom.

“Did you sleep there?”

He asked in a sleepy voice.

“Well, it seems so.”

Taeheun’s voice was even more hoarse than the man’s, and he had to force the words out.

“Go inside and sleep.”

“It’s okay. I’m fully awake now.”

He forced his eyes open and sat up, almost rolling over. He was thirsty. His stomach also hurt from drinking an entire bottle of sake without any food. He remembered showering in his drunken state. He somehow managed to put on his underwear, but why did he end up sleeping in the living room?

Seeing the man come out after washing up, Taeheun also went to the bathroom. After relieving his morning erection, he looked in the mirror. His eyes were puffy. He washed his face roughly and went back to his room to get dressed.

The man was already in the kitchen. Seeing him holding a frying pan, Taeheun asked urgently,

“Don’t tell me it’s soy sauce eggs?”

“I’m making dried pollack soup.”

The man replied, glancing back.

“Mr. Gibeom, you’re the best.”

Taeheun gave him a thumbs-up. For some reason, the man blushed at his neck.

“Are you going to work today too?”

“Yes.”

“What about tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow I’m going to church. Service and lunch.”

The savory smell of dried pollack being fried in sesame oil filled the air. Taeheun gulped and asked,

“And then?”

“I’m going to pick some peppers and lettuce I planted in the garden. I need to plant some green onions too.”

“Working again?”

“It’s not work.”

“That’s work.”

“It’s for my own consumption, so it’s not work.”

The man insisted.

“Well, if you put it that way, it’s going in my mouth too, so let’s work on the garden together.”

Taeheun, now standing next to the man, watched as two eggs were quickly mixed into the dried pollack soup. Unlike Taeheun, whose large hands always made him clumsy at delicate tasks like cooking, the man was adept at everything. His household items and his way of life weren’t sophisticated, but everything was neat and tidy.

“Can I have just one bite?”

“It’s almost done.”

“Aren’t you going to taste it?”

“It’s seasoned perfectly.”

“I’ll just have one bite.”

Taeheun insisted. Reluctantly, the man handed him a spoon. Holding the Mickey Mouse spoon, Taeheun moved so close that his arm touched the man’s as he scooped up a spoonful of the broth. He blew on it and put it in his mouth. It was incredibly delicious. He was about to give a thumbs-up when the man carried the pot to the dining table.

“I used this spoon, so Mr. Gibeom should use mine.”

Taeheun was secretly pleased to be using the Mickey Mouse spoon he’d wanted to try. Unaware of this, the man looked incredibly apologetic.

“You could just wash it and use it.”

“Why bother? It’s a hassle. Mr. Gibeom, get the side dishes. I’ll serve the rice.”

Even after putting out the side dishes, the man seemed concerned about Taeheun serving the rice, reaching out with a rice paddle he couldn’t possibly reach with.

“This is really getting in the way. Just sit down. This much rice is enough, right?”

“Yes.”

The man awkwardly sat down. As always, the side dishes were two kinds of kimchi: young radish kimchi and napa cabbage kimchi.

“Damas, no, Yongjun’s a liar.”

“Huh?”

“Yongjun said Mr. Gibeom can’t cook. He didn’t believe me when I said the young radish noodles were fucki— I mean, incredibly delicious. This dried pollack soup is amazing too.”

“It’s not that great….”

The man said, barely suppressing a smile, pleased with Taeheun’s compliments.

“It is. Jihye’s lucky to have a father who’s a culinary genius.”

The man smiled brightly. It’s because the dried pollack is good, he added, as if making an excuse. His innocent look made Taeheun smile spontaneously.

The dried pollack soup was delicious, but his mouth felt dry, and he couldn’t swallow the rice. However, he felt bad leaving any, so he mixed it into the soup and forced it down.

“Are you picking fruit today too?”

“Yes. At the oriental melon greenhouse.”

“You went a few days ago, too.”

“That was Mr. Cho’s, and this time it’s Mr. Jang’s. There are quite a few oriental melon greenhouses in this neighborhood.”

The man replied as he moved the finished dishes to the sink. While Taeheun put the side dishes in the refrigerator, the man took the empty dishes Taeheun had used. He settled in front of the sink, seemingly ready to wash the dishes.

“I’ll do the dishes.”

Taeheun put on the rubber gloves hanging on the faucet and pushed the man aside. He might have pushed him a little too hard, as the man stumbled sideways.

“Is working at the greenhouse very hard?”

He asked, applying dish soap to the sponge. It had been a while since he’d washed dishes. He felt good scrubbing the dishes with the soapy sponge.

“It’s not that hard, but since it’s a greenhouse, it gets very hot. And crouching down to work is a bit uncomfortable.”

The man fidgeted, watching Taeheun scrub the dishes.

“Is it big?”

“Yes. Mr. Jang’s greenhouse is quite large. It’s probably the biggest oriental melon greenhouse in our neighborhood.”

“Is that so? Then can I go with you?”

“Huh?”

The man’s eyes widened.

“I’m asking if I can go with you to the greenhouse. What am I going to do, stay home all day doing nothing? It’d be nice to go out and earn some money.”

The words popped out impulsively. He was bewildered even after saying them. It was true that he had nothing to do but lounge around all day since he’d said there was no reason to call for a week, but it was out of the blue that he wanted to help with the farm work. He felt like he’d gone crazy. He could take it back; he could definitely take it back.

“…It’ll be hard.”

“You just said it wasn’t hard.”

“Well, it’s not hard for someone like me, but it’s hard for someone who’s never done farm work before. You’ll probably get sore.”

“We’ll see about that. Can I go with you?”

This wasn’t it. Strange words kept coming out of his mouth. And yet, he was smiling.

He turned on the faucet. Water splashed everywhere. The man reached out and adjusted the water flow.

“Can I go?”

“…Yes.”

The man replied reluctantly.

The man took the dishes Taeheun washed, shook off the water, and placed them on the drying rack. The dishes piled up neatly. Next to the dishes, a pair of Mickey Mouse spoons and Taeheun’s tacky new spoons were placed.

“Do you have any more of these?”

Taeheun pointed his chin at the Mickey Mouse spoons. The man just blinked.

“The Mickey Mouse ones. It makes me feel left out that I’m using something different when we’re living together.”

“Ah….”

And that was it.

“Hey, you should answer when someone’s talking to you. Don’t make me feel awkward.”

Even when Taeheun pressed him, he didn’t answer. Instead, he looked at the wall clock.

“Is it already time for you to leave?”

Taeheun asked, also looking at the clock.

“Not yet. Yongjun is supposed to pick me up.”

“Oh, right. You drank makgeolli yesterday?”

“Yes. I think I need to get ready.”

The man said this and tried to leave the kitchen.

“Why bother waiting for Yongjun? We can go in my car. ”

At Taeheun’s words, the man stopped and looked back.

“You’ll get your expensive car dirty.”

“It’s used. If you look closely, the bumper’s slightly dented, and there are scratches everywhere. And I’m going anyway, so let’s go in my car. Why bother calling someone else? Call Yongjun and tell him not to come.”

“Still…”

“Just call him. Before you miss him. I’ll get ready too.”

“…Okay.”

The man replied, still looking reluctant.

I’m doing all sorts of things.

He was dumbfounded by himself, but also excited.

Taeheun quickly looked for clothes to change into before his, not the man’s, mind changed. He hadn’t expected to do farm work, so he didn’t have any suitable clothes. He grabbed the most comfortable pants he could find and put on socks. The socks were expensive, so he felt bad about wearing them for this, but there was nothing he could do.

When he went out to the living room wearing a cotton t-shirt, the man was already sitting on the floor, putting on his boots. The dogs ran to him, wagging their tails. The man quickly put on his boots and went out to the yard to pour food into the dogs’ bowls. While the dogs ate, he went to the faucet, washed their water bowl, and filled it with fresh water.

Whether Taeheun came out or not, he remained crouched down, watching the dogs eat.

“Eat slowly. You’ll get indigestion.”

The man whispered softly to the dogs as if he were talking to children.

His rounded back somehow resembled the father from the two-story house. Even though their builds and sizes were completely different, they overlapped in his mind. The man, who had given Taeheun a final goodbye and turned around, had walked slowly towards the gate with slumped shoulders. As he walked out, he whispered to the flowers and trees. So softly that it was almost inaudible.

‘Goodbye. I’ll be back.’

Taeheun squeezed his eyes shut.