LCL 74

The car stopped in the parking lot. Lim Dae-han turned off the engine and looked at me.

I couldn’t say anything to him the whole way home. The auntie had asked me to pretend I didn’t know until Lim Dae-han told me himself, and I just didn’t know what to say.

I had no idea what kind of situation I would face here.

In my relationship with Lim Dae-han, we only had occasional bickering at most. The same was true for our families. There were no major incidents.

My family, except for one person, was all mild-mannered and healthy. There were no issues among relatives either.

Just ordinary, unmistakably ordinary people. People who took care of their health moderately and got check-ups once every year or so.

The same was true for Lim Dae-han’s family. At twenty, I was still too young to face the misfortune that had arrived in his inner circle.

“I was thinking of having dinner before you go.”

“Okay…”

“I don’t think I can sleep, though.”

“…That’s okay.”

In the house without their father, Dae-ryong would surely be waiting for his brother. Was that why Dae-ryong followed me around all day today?

Dae-ryong must also find the absence of his father unfamiliar and frightening. His older siblings had lived separately for a while, so it might not affect them as much, but for 7-year-old Dae-ryong, it must be scary to have his father, who was the pillar of the family, absent for a long time.

Even I would be scared if my mom or dad were unwell. How would they explain this to Dae-ryong?

Should I just tell him to go home? But then Lim Dae-han would ask me if something happened.

“Let’s eat meat. I heard there’s a new barbecue place nearby.”

“Do you want to eat meat?”

“Yeah.”

“There’s really nothing you don’t want to eat, right, Ki Young-hyun?”

Lim Dae-han joked. Seeing him act as usual, I stared at him for a moment. Lim Dae-han tilted his head to one side and raised his eyebrows slightly.

“What?”

“No, no, I’m just hungry.”

“Oh, me too. I’m starving to death.”

Lim Dae-han casually got out of the car. It might be natural that I didn’t know. He was actually acting exactly the same as usual. How in the world could I have noticed?

When we got there I had a feeling we should’ve eaten a simple meal like rice or street food instead of meat. I thought eating out would let us finish early, but the restaurant was crowded due to the rush hour.

Amidst people drinking and chatting cheerfully, Lim Dae-han and I sat silently. I stared at the meat cooking on the grill. The tongs and scissors were his responsibility.

I also kept flipping the meat with my chopsticks.

“Leave the meat alone. Why are you torturing it like that?”

Lim Dae-han finally scolded me. Even though I wasn’t really scolded, I quickly put down my chopsticks and sat up straight. I sipped the cola we ordered instead of alcohol. Lim Dae-han took a sip of cola and fanned his collar, probably feeling hot.

He rested his arm on the back of the chair next to him. He clicked the tongs together, making a tapping sound. Knowing it was a way to get my attention, I looked up at him.

“Do you want to drink?”

“No, why?”

“You drink often, don’t you?”

“…It’s not like that. I just drank once at the welcome party last time.”

I thought I handled it well that day, but maybe Lim Dae-han didn’t think so. I didn’t even get drunk, just sent one message with a typo [I’m hom3] when I was about to go home, and he teased me so much about it.

I put the chopsticks in my mouth. Ah, why did I act so childishly then? Why did I ask him to come? I should have just told him to rest at home. Now that I knew the situation, I could only feel regret.

Lim Dae-han put some meat on my plate.

“Eat. If you want to drink beer, go ahead.”

“Do you want to drink?”

“No, I drove here. I don’t want to get a ticket on the way home.”

“…”

“What? Want to stay at my place tonight again?”

I knew Lim Dae-han was just saying that. We both valued our families. We usually participated in family events without fail, and we didn’t express disappointment or wish to spend more time together because of it.

I thought it had to do with our stable personalities. If someone neglected family commitments just to be with their partner, that would be worse.

“Go sleep at your family home. You have to go to work tomorrow.”

I said calmly. And I decided not to ask Lim Dae-han about his father. It bothered me, and it was driving me crazy wondering why he was acting like nothing was wrong, but I decided to pretend not to know.

“Won’t you be scared sleeping alone?”

“Am I a child? I sleep alone every day these days.”

“You’re still a kid.”

I paused with my chopsticks in hand. Does Lim Dae-han see me as a child? Is that why he’s hiding things?

“…”

Come to think of it, it was the same in high school. Lim Dae-han never mentioned to me that he was considering transferring to the vocational track. He decided on his own and only consulted with the adults around him.

Back then, instead of listening to his story, I urged him to prepare for college with me, using the excuse of becoming adults together. Was it really for Lim Dae-han’s sake? Thinking about it now…

Thinking about it now…

Maybe I was just feeling lonely.

“Ki Young-hyun?”

Lim Dae-han called me, tilting his head. Only then did I come to my senses and meet his eyes, making a short “Ah” sound.

“What are you thinking about?”

“No, uh, just…I don’t want to go to work.”

“If you want to quit, then quit. You’re just a substitute anyway.”

“I can’t quit just because I’m a substitute. That would be irresponsible of me.”

“You’ve grown up, Ki Young-hyun.”

Lim Dae-han spoke as usual, but my irritation at this was probably due to an inferiority complex. We were the same age, with only a few months difference in our birthdays. I didn’t like being treated like a child.

He was wearing a school uniform just a few months ago too. I couldn’t actually get angry, so I just pouted.

“I’m not a child, you know.”

“Yeah, I said you’ve grown up.”

“So…don’t treat me like a child. I don’t like being treated that way when we’re the same age…”

Only after I said it did I realize that expressing my grievances in front of delicious meat wasn’t very mature behavior. When I looked up, Lim Dae-han was furrowing his brow, appearing a little confused.

“Ah.”

My mouth felt dry, and I licked my lips several times.

“…Sorry.”

I ended up apologizing to him.

“Eat.”

Lim Dae-han just piled more meat onto my plate.

“I don’t think I’m treating you like a child.”

Lim Dae-han spoke as we were walking home together. It had been a while since we held hands while walking, and my palm was sweaty. I made excuses that it was because of the hot weather.

We sat on a bench while walking through the apartment complex park. As soon as I turned around, he roughly brushed my bangs, fixing my hair.

“You’re sweating.”

He wiped the sweat from my forehead and neck with the back of his hand.

“It’s hot…”

I mumbled to myself, and Lim Dae-han fanned me with his hand. But it didn’t help matters. I was still feeling hot. I fanned my collar. A fountain in the middle of the park started spraying water.

It seemed like the heat had subsided a bit, but also like the humidity had increased. Actually, summer was uncomfortable no matter what I did.

“I don’t think I’m treating you like a child, Ki Young-hyun.”

Lim Dae-han played with my earlobe. Having cooled down somewhat, I looked at him. The boundary between treating someone like a child and showing affection was delicate.

Wanting to treat someone well, wanting to do everything for them. All this seemed  to make people dependent.

Actually, I could’ve wiped my own sweat. Normally, I would have been delighted, but knowing Lim Dae-han’s situation one-sidedly made me overthink things.

“Okay. You’re not treating me like a child.”

“It’s because I like you.”

“…”

“I want to treat you well because I like you, okay?”

“Okay.”

I answered bravely. I knew he would keep pressing, “Okay? I’m asking if it’s okay, Ki Young-hyun,” until he got an answer, so I firmly responded from the start. Lim Dae-han just smiled.

Should I just tell him to come in before going home? Not too late. Just petting, no, just kissing, no, even just a peck on the cheek would be fine. Actually, I’d be content with just hugging.

Legs intertwined, forgetting about the heat. Intensely…Then I got thinking about lewd thoughts again.

“Besides, what’s wrong with being childlike?”

“…What do you mean?”

“We’re only twenty years old. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

It wasn’t just me who was twenty. Lim Dae-han was the same. We were still at an age where it’s okay to be called childlike. Adults say we need to take responsibility for our actions, but it’s still an immature time.

However, Lim Dae-han was already acting responsibly, as if playing the role of a father at home.

I hated to imagine this, but if my parents were ill and my older brother wasn’t around, could I act like Lim Dae-han? I could say with certainty that I couldn’t.

“Lim Dae-han…”

I was about to ask if he was okay these days. Just then, a familiar ringtone sounded nearby. Lim Dae-han, who had been thoroughly massaging my thigh, rummaged through his pocket and pulled out his phone.

I peeked at the screen and saw that it was from home. It meant it was time for him to go. Pretending not to have seen it, I looked up at the sky. The days had grown longer. Only now was the sun starting to set, darkening the sky.

“Yeah. Yeah, ice cream? You’ll get a stomachache. Yogurt then. …You ate it all? I see. Ask aunt to get you some milk. Yeah. I’ll be there soon.”

It was a conversation that made it clear who he was talking to. It must be Dae-ryong. After hanging up, Lim Dae-han rubbed his palm on his thigh.

“Ki Young-hyun, why did you call me?”

“…Oh, it’s nothing. Nothing at all.”

In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to speak. It looked like I had burdened Lim Dae-han needlessly.

Instead, I decided to be considerate of him as much as I could. I wouldn’t hold him back. I wouldn’t pester him either. When the time came around, he would talk.

He wouldn’t hide it. He would surely tell me someday.

“…Should we go now?”

Lim Dae-han shifted his eyes slightly.

“We might get bitten by mosquitoes if we stay out here any longer, and you should go home and rest too.”

“Yeah. Whatever.”

I got up first and waited for Lim Dae-han to follow. But Lim Dae-han didn’t get up. When I turned to look at him, he was waiting with his hand outstretched.

He was definitely going to use all his strength and not get up. I clasped his one hand with both of mine. I pulled with all my might, but…

“Agh…!!”

With a scream like a death cry, I fell forward into his arms instead. Lim Dae-han laughed out loud.

Here I was, feeling so serious, and he was just playing around. Annoyed, I kicked the bench leg once, but only ended up stubbing my big toe.

***

“Young-hyun, be honest. You don’t have a girlfriend, right?”

The boss picked an unnecessary fight. Maybe because it was raining a lot, there were fewer customers in the bar than usual. The air clung with a damp, dusty smell. As I was vigorously wiping down a table with a rag, I turned my head.

What a random thing to say.

“Pardon?”

The boss, who had been lying sprawled across the table, sat up. He pointed at me with his chin.

“You’re filling in so many shifts? Even on weekends? Doesn’t your girlfriend complain?”

“Ah…they’re busy too.”

I put a bit more strength into my hand wiping the table. I pretended not to hear the boss’s nagging, who was nosing around the part-timers since there were no customers. He was busy, that much was true. I had no intention of rushing him.

“You’re not meeting these days?”

Moon Ji-woo, who had approached in the meantime, asked while replacing my rag.

I looked down at the ring on my ring finger.

“Yeah, just…”

“What’s going on?”

“Just…we’re both just really busy.”

I cut Moon Ji-woo’s words short too.

After hearing that Lim Dae-han’s father was unwell, there were things I started to notice. 

Whenever Lim Dae-han talked about his family, he only mentioned his mother and Dae-ryong, and occasionally brought up news about his sister. He never even mentioned his father, as if to avoid the topic entirely.

His work hours were irregular, and even when he came home, he spent time with Dae-ryong, who had returned from kindergarten and had been waiting for family members all day.

Dae-ryong would fall asleep around 10 p.m., and only then could we get in touch. After talking on the phone for a while, it would be time for him to go to bed. His voice would always sound tired around then.

He tried to hide it, but over the phone, his cracking voice was even more noticeable. It seemed that his current life was more difficult than I had originally thought.

I couldn’t do anything for him. I couldn’t say anything. What could I do for someone who wouldn’t tell me that his father was unwell? I could only act how I normally acted.

I thought he would tell me as time passed, but it seemed he had no intention of telling me at all.

My mind was still in turmoil. It had been several weeks since I learned about his father’s illness, but I hadn’t heard a single thing about it from him.

The summer that had reached its peak was now waning. It was still humid and hot, but you could feel that summer was leaving.

“Why? Young-hyun’s couple ring is really expensive, isn’t it?”

Noona chided the suspicious boss.

“Boss, you’re just too stingy to buy something like this for your girlfriend, right?”

“What?! How expensive could it be?”

“It must be at least a few hundred thousand won.”

“That’s too expensive for students. Kids these days don’t know the value of money.”

I spread out my hand and looked at it. Today, the ring felt particularly heavy. In the past month, I had met Lim Dae-han only a handful of times. Even then, it was just briefly on weekdays.

For couples who have their own lives, this might not be a big deal, but Lim Dae-han and I had been meeting every day since high school and had even lived together, so this time apart felt difficult.

“So, Young-hyun, can you fill in tomorrow?”

“Yes, that’s fine. Just…call me anytime.”

“Sigh, it’s so good to have Young-hyun filling in for Cheon-hee. That bastard Cheon-hee never agrees to fill in when asked. ‘Boss, please tell me at least two weeks in advance. I have my own schedule too.’ If I tell you two weeks in advance, how is that filling in? Young-hyun, you’ve worked hard, so I’ll make sure to give you a hefty paycheck. Just hang in there a bit more.”

“Haha…yes.”

“Are you really not thinking of working instead of Cheon-hee?”

“Cheon-hee would go crazy. He calls occasionally to remind me that it’s just filling in for him.”

“That guy, that guy, geez…”

I forced out a smile at the grumbling boss and looked for something to do. There was a reason why I suddenly started filling my time with so many shifts.