MIM 121 Side Story

“Thank you for your hard work. I’ll take it from here.”

Jae-seung, who had been sitting quietly in the corner, watching over Shin-woo the whole time, finally stood up and bowed his head. The caregiver, as soon as the words were out of his mouth, finished up and packed his things to leave the hospital room. It wasn’t just that the gaze, which felt like he was being watched, was uncomfortable, but also that he would sometimes suddenly rush at the patient and kiss him, which was too embarrassing to watch.

As soon as the caregiver hurried out of the room, Jae-seung sat down on the bed and snuggled close to Shin-woo. It had been two weeks since Shin-woo regained consciousness. Ignoring the doctor’s advice not to overdo it, he diligently moved his body every day to rehabilitate, and he finally saw results. He could already easily take walks of twenty or thirty minutes.

When Jae-seung held out his arm to Shin-woo, who was getting ready to go for a walk today, Shin-woo looked at him with a reluctant expression. He took the caregiver’s help just fine, but he always gave Jae-seung a hard time.

“I can walk by myself.”

“Shut up and hold my waist.”

Knowing that he couldn’t break his stubbornness, Shin-woo reluctantly put his arm around Jae-seung’s waist. He had lost weight while in the hospital, and his body felt smaller in his arms than before. He was eating the hospital food well, but he had always been so sturdy that it pained Jae-seung to see him like this. Jae-seung, never taking his eyes off Shin-woo as he slowly started walking, gave his still-pale cheek a short kiss. Shin-woo didn’t react to the kiss and just kept walking forward. Even though he didn’t show it, the back of his neck was reddish, so Jae-seung wasn’t disappointed at all.

They took the elevator down and strolled in front of the hospital. A cool breeze blew, ruffling Shin-woo’s short hair. The unique smell of medicine in the hospital faded away, and there was a fresh scent of grass. Shin-woo finally raised his head and smiled. Seeing that smiling face made Jae-seung’s heart ache.

He still couldn’t believe that he was facing Shin-woo, who was alive and breathing, again. He thought he was going to lose Shin-woo, his only friend, his love, the person who felt like destiny, forever. The time he spent without his memories, and the fact that Shin-woo had been so calm without ever showing it, weighed heavily on Jae-seung’s heart. It also hurt that the last words he tried to leave while losing consciousness were a confession of love.

He wanted to lie down next to him at night and hold him all day long, but he had just had major surgery, so all he could do was watch him from a distance. Shin-woo must know how he felt, but he still grumbled about unnecessary things.

“You didn’t have to take a leave of absence when there’s a caregiver.”

Shin-woo had requested a professional caregiver in the first place. Jae-seung couldn’t say he was used to washing, feeding, and taking care of someone, but he was doing a good job because he was so physically strong. However, as soon as Shin-woo regained consciousness, he refused Jae-seung’s care. At first, he said it was more efficient to get help from a professional, but when Jae-seung didn’t back down, he gave a reason that he couldn’t refuse. He said he felt ashamed and uncomfortable showing his helpless side in front of the ‘person he liked.’

Jae-seung could fully understand his desire to look good to the person he liked, so he decided to partially accept his request. He left the washing and feeding to the professional caregiver, and he stayed in the hospital room all day, taking walks and talking with him. After spending a long time together, Jae-seung was able to understand Shin-woo’s true feelings. He didn’t seem to be ashamed of the current situation, but rather thought that Jae-seung was wasting his time taking care of him.

“If you need me, I’ll be by your side in the future,”

“I don’t need you.”

Jae-seung was pouring out his heart, saying each word with sincerity, but Shin-woo suddenly interrupted and ruined the mood. Did he think Jae-seung would back down? Jae-seung pulled the back of his head and hugged him. His hair, which had not been cut for a while, tickled his palm.

“I’m going to stay here until you’re discharged. I’m not going anywhere, so accept it.”

“You smell, so go home and sleep.”

“That pattern doesn’t work anymore.”

Jae-seung scoffed as if to laugh it off. He showered every day in the bathroom attached to the private room, so how could he smell? He had been fooled at first and slept at home for a day and even sprayed perfume, but he wouldn’t fall for it anymore.

Shin-woo pouted and turned his eyes to the surrounding scenery. Maybe it was because he was more conscious of it after talking about the smell, but he smelled like soap from the guy leaning in his arms. It was an extremely human side of the guy who had always been the one taking care of him, who had always seemed so strong.

What was he thinking now, the guy who had come back from the dead? His eyes, which couldn’t be read, stared blankly into the air.

It was difficult. He didn’t know whether to apologize to Shin-woo, to laugh and act like nothing had happened, to cling to him while constantly confessing his love, or what to say and how to act to be the best. Even now, when he closed his eyes, he was startled by the image of him dying in a pool of blood. He was anxious and cautious, as if he would disappear like a mirage even though he was touching him. Jae-seung quietly tightened his arms around him.

“I don’t want you to be sick. I want you to get better soon.”

That was the most honest feeling he had at that moment. Shin-woo, who had been quietly hugging him, slowly raised his head. He moved his lips as if he was going to say something, but then he turned his gaze back to the distant trees.

“You’ve already wasted a lot of time because of me.”

After staring at the air for a long time, Shin-woo finally opened his mouth and said something incomprehensible. Jae-seung frowned, and he sighed softly and added.

“You can do your work and come only occasionally. There’s a caregiver, and it doesn’t change anything when you come, so you don’t have to be stuck here all day taking care of me.”

“I’m not taking care of you, I’m here because I want to see you. And what time am I wasting because of you?”

Shin-woo quietly swallowed at the question he couldn’t understand. The way his Adam’s apple moved was clearly visible because he had lost weight. His face, which had been calm even while enduring the difficult surgery and recovery process, was distorted with pain for a fleeting moment.

“…You lost your memories and wandered for years.”

“Why is that because of you?”

Jae-seung held Shin-woo’s head in both hands and pressed his frowning eyebrows with his thumbs to smooth them out. While he stroked his thick eyebrows until they formed a straight line, Shin-woo just stared at Jae-seung. His persistent gaze, as if to confirm the truth of what he had just heard, made Jae-seung widen his eyes and show as much bewilderment as possible.

Shin-woo’s mouth opened slightly as if he had realized something. His brown eyes, which had been scanning Jae-seung for a long time, were filled with confusion.

“Your memories, didn’t they all come back?”

“They did. Except for the day of the incident.”

“……”

“I can’t remember that day no matter how hard I try. It’s like there’s a hole only in that day…”

It was strange. He remembered everything in detail, from losing his memories and having a hard time after the incident to saying harsh things to Shin-woo, but he didn’t know why he couldn’t remember that day until the end. Was it because the shock was too great? Because it was the day the whole mansion was engulfed in flames and he had his father’s blood on his hands?

Come to think of it, they hadn’t been able to ask each other about the details because they were both out of their minds even after he regained his memories. To be honest, he was out of his mind, but the bigger reason was that he didn’t care. Jae-seung held Shin-woo’s hand tightly so that the focus would return to his somewhat dazed eyes.

“It doesn’t matter, even if you don’t know.”

“Why?”

“…Huh?”

“You’ve wanted to know for years, so why doesn’t it matter if you don’t know?”

Shin-woo turned to face Jae-seung directly and asked. Jae-seung shrugged his shoulders because he didn’t know the answer himself. He vaguely thought of reasons such as that nothing would change no matter who the culprit was, and that Ma Jin-sung was trash who deserved to die, but he was still puzzled. Why wasn’t he curious about it now when he had been chasing the truth of that day for the past several years?

“I don’t know. Am I avoiding it?”

Jae-seung, who was rolling his eyes, suddenly asked. Avoidance. It was a word that the doctor often used when he received counseling. He had been impressed by the fact that he used the word, which he knew meant to dislike and avoid, in the sense of defense, so it remained in his mind. Maybe I don’t want to know. Jae-seung thought so too.

“Because it’s too terrible… I don’t want to remember it.”