NFS 3.24

“Whenever accidents like this happen, I realize that living without incidents is the best. Why are you smiling?”

“Just thinking how people’s thoughts are all the same.”

“Do you also miss living an uneventful life?”

Yes, he did. Especially these days. Instead of answering, Joo Seung-ha carefully studied Jjang Nuna’s face. Though she was smiling and talking, her eyes had remained tired since earlier.

“It’s not your fault, noona.”

Joo Seung-ha said calmly, but Jjang Nuna kept looking straight ahead while drinking. When her drink was about half gone, Joo Seung-ha added, “And if it’s too hard, you can quit being the shelter director.”

At this, Jjang Nuna stopped drinking and looked at Joo Seung-ha. Though she didn’t speak, her eyes widened in surprise. Joo Seung-ha looked at her seriously.

“I’m not joking, noona. If it’s hard, let it go. It’s okay.”

“Ah, okay,” Jjang Nuna answered awkwardly, then lowered her gaze as if about to cry, but quickly took a deep breath as if suppressing it.

“Was the strain of my work showing?”

“I’m saying this because you’re not showing it even though it’s hard.”

Jjang Nuna laughed helplessly and let out another long sigh. Joo Seung-ha truly wouldn’t mind if she left everything behind and left the shelter. Of course, it would be regrettable, but he didn’t think this work was worth sacrificing one’s life for. It shouldn’t be.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about shelter work lately. But the more I think about it, I realize that my past self would have brushed off these worries lightly, but now I wonder why that’s not the case. Just…I think I’ve changed. Even I can tell that I don’t have the same passion for pouring everything into the shelter like before. Actually, seeing the shelter animals doesn’t make me as happy as it used to either. So when I think about it, it seems like the problem is with me.”

She confessed this and lowered her head. Joo Seung-ha felt anger rising at seeing her self-blame.

“When difficult things keep repeating, everyone gets tired and changes. That doesn’t mean you can judge your current feelings as wrong because they’re less intense than in the past. Both then and now, you still care for and love the shelter. You just have a different approach now and the corresponding size of heart for it. Don’t make past emotions your current standard.”

Though Joo Seung-ha’s voice came out slightly sharp, Jjang Nuna didn’t take offense. Rather, she looked at him as if curious about something.

“Your way of comforting sounds quite preachy?”

“No, what I mean is…”

“Haha, I’m joking. I know what you mean.”

Jjang Nuna laughed and playfully hit Joo Seung-ha’s arm, then leaned back comfortably in her chair.

“It’s really embarrassing hearing such things from you.”

“Oh, come on. I’m trying to give serious advice here.”

“Hey, but you know what? I want to say those exact words back to you.”

Me? Joo Seung-ha raised his eyebrows questioningly.

“You’re asking me if I’m okay with the shelter work?”

“No, not about the shelter. I mean what you said about not setting past standards for the present. It applies to relationship issues too.”

Joo Seung-ha hesitated as he looked at her.

“…I’m not dating.”

“Right. Why aren’t you?”

“Ha, why…just because there’s no one I like.”

“Are you sure you haven’t set your standards for those feelings of like too much in the past?”

He couldn’t say no. Joo Seung-ha felt dazed, as if he’d been hit on the head, and couldn’t open his mouth. Love. The only love Joo Seung-ha knew was from seven years ago, and naturally, that emotion was his standard. That desperate feeling where he would tremble before the other person, throwing away his pride, not knowing what to do because he liked them so much.

To Joo Seung-ha, love had to be that kind of emotion. He felt that way until just before Jjang Nuna’s question. When Joo Seung-ha just stared blankly into space, Jjang Nuna deliberately looked at the people exercising by the stream, as if trying to be considerate.

“I don’t know much about your personal life, but it’s about time you started dating. I wonder if you’re not dating because, like me, you might be mistaken due to past standards.”

“I’m not mistaken.”

Joo Seung-ha managed to say, as if forcing the words out. Jjang Nuna put the straw to her lips and glanced at Joo Seung-ha.

“What if you regret it?”

“What regret?”

“You might ignore current feelings because they don’t match what you think love should be, but later realize that was love too.”

“Ha, noona, no. I know my feelings well. I…Sunbae…”

Joo Seung-ha caught himself after accidentally letting the title slip and firmly closed his lips. Jjang Nuna hadn’t mentioned any specific person in this conversation, but he realized with embarrassment that he alone had been thinking of him.

“Well, they’re your feelings, so you would know best. Still, think about it carefully. Maybe your love has also changed to match your current way and appropriate heart size. If you deny that it’s love, wouldn’t the current me, who has weathered all sorts of storms, feel a bit sad?”

Though Jjang Nuna finished playfully, Joo Seung-ha couldn’t laugh along.

***

Yesterday’s conversation—that the past self was different from the present self, and that the vessel holding emotions had changed—kept lingering in Joo Seung-ha’s mind until the next day. The standard he had firmly believed in, of not liking someone, somehow felt ambiguous now. Of course, there were people who could definitively express these feelings even without standards.

“I’m sorry.”

When Joo Seung-ha bowed his head in apology to Hong Chanwoo, the latter waved his hands in embarrassment.

“No, please don’t. I should be the one apologizing.”

Joo Seung-ha wanted to apologize more but his mind was too jumbled to find the right words. In the end, Seo Ahn-jae hadn’t gone to see Hong Chanwoo that day, nor did he explain what they had discussed on the phone. When Hong Chanwoo called the next day, they just exchanged apologies like now, unable to say anything more detailed. As Joo Seung-ha hesitated to start the conversation, Hong Chanwoo asked first.

“That person is the CEO of Million, right?”

“…Did you hear?”

“Yes, when we talked, he introduced himself first.”

At least he didn’t start with cursing.

“Ah, he cursed first, actually.”

Joo Seung-ha couldn’t lift his head from embarrassment.

“I apologize again.”

This time there was no echoing apology. When Joo Seung-ha looked up, Hong Chanwoo was staring at him intently with tightly pressed lips. His eyes seemed full of questions he wanted to ask, but he appeared to be holding them back forcefully. It wouldn’t matter if he asked, but the problem was Joo Seung-ha had no answers to give. He couldn’t tell him about the deal with Seo Ahn-jae. So he was slightly taken aback by what suddenly came out of Hong Chanwoo’s mouth.

“It’s okay. I’m planning to curse at Seo Ahn-jae myself when I see him today.”

“Are you meeting him?”

“No. He’s appearing on TV tonight. He’s been quite the talk of the town.”

Ah, that broadcast was today. Though everyone said Seo Ahn-jae was causing a stir, Joo Seung-ha felt nothing special about it. Seo Ahn-jae had always been the talk of the town, as far as he knew.

“Please curse at him a lot.”

At this flat response, Hong Chanwoo looked at him again with eyes full of unspoken words. This time Joo Seung-ha thought he would really ask about his relationship with Seo Ahn-jae but once again Hong Chanwoo exercised restraint.

“Then shall we just understand both sides and let it go?”

“Is that okay?”

“Yes. And from now on, I absolutely won’t burden Team Leader Joo with personal matters.”

Personal matters. It was a welcome phrase, but also somewhat bitter. Because he had gained certainty that he didn’t like this person enough to feel relieved at these words.

“Thank you.”

He bowed his head again in greeting. Hong Chanwoo looked at Joo Seung-ha with somewhat downcast eyes, then awkwardly ran his hand through his hair.

“Would you mind if I asked you to contact me later, whenever you think of me personally?”

“No, not at all.”

Hong Chanwoo smiled with relief at Joo Seung-ha’s answer.

“That’s a good answer. Really. Even if you contact me when you’re 100 years old, that’s fine, just make sure to keep in touch.”

Joo Seung-ha arrived at the office near the end of the workday to report on his meeting with Hong Chanwoo. Just as he sat down, a text message arrived for him.

-At a meeting with related companies. Everyone’s just talking nonsense.

Even after what had happened, Seo Ahn-jae continued to update Joo Seung-ha about his daily life several times a day. Although Joo Seung-ha only replied to about one in four or five of Seo Ahn-jae’s messages, he kept contacting Joo Seung-ha tirelessly. By now, Joo Seung-ha knew these contacts weren’t pressure to repay the debt. This was Seo Ahn-jae’s own way of effort, what he would have called “making moves” in the past. And this time, it was all pull with no push.

Maybe it was because work was almost over and he had some breathing room. Reading Seo Ahn-jae’s message brought back the conversation with Jjang Nuna in the park. Joo Seung-ha hadn’t asked if she had figured out Seo Ahn-jae’s identity, and she hadn’t mentioned Seo Ahn-jae’s name, but their conversation had continued as if an invisible him was between them.

‘So if someone makes a move on you, don’t push them away too hard.’

‘I push them away because they deserve it.’

‘Push gently. They might fall off.’

‘They won’t fall. They won’t budge at all.’

At this point, Joo Seung-ha felt like he could hear Seo Ahn-jae’s name in Jjang Nuna’s brief silence. When he glanced over, she was looking at him with meaningful eyes.

‘Well, I’m not surprised, since I think it takes quite a personality to get inside your boundaries, whoever they may be.’

At her accurate analysis, Joo Seung-ha laughed briefly and casually asked, ‘What’s your current standard for accepting people, noona?’

“Well…” Jjang Nuna drew out the word while thinking, then spoke in a comfortable voice.

‘Someone who I’d be okay with having in the ideal future space I imagine.’

As he heard her words, Joo Seung-ha couldn’t understand why Seo Ahn-jae immediately came to mind. He couldn’t deny that living together for a week had a big impact. That week was the most normal period in their seven-year entanglement.

And it was also the most comfortable night in Joo Seung-ha’s seven years. Though nothing special happened. It was just time spent eating late-night snacks, talking a bit, then going to their respective rooms to rest and sleep. So Joo Seung-ha kept questioning himself. What is my current standard for love? Did I really believe that past love and emotions were the standard for love and deny everything because of that?

Once he realized it, he knew this strong denial had mixed with pride and hardened like concrete. Joo Seung-ha decided to try breaking it. Though it cost him shame and embarrassment, when he broke and cleared it away, he found small emotions underneath.

He didn’t know yet if it was love. He wasn’t sure if it was branches sprouting from a tree he thought had died from being cut down, or if it was new shoots sprouting from black soil. Still, he felt the desire to follow those emotions. Joo Seung-ha opened his smartphone and sent Seo Ahn-jae a question.

[When does that useless talk meeting end?]

[Why?]

[I want to repay the debt today.]

It had been over ten days since he’d slept with Seo Ahn-jae. Though it started with the intention of ending it quickly, at this rate, he wouldn’t be able to repay even half the debt in a year.

[I’ll wait at the hotel.]

[Don’t wait, go home.]

[Why?]

The same word seemed to read in a different tone. Joo Seung-ha slowly typed and sent his reply.

[Let’s do it at your place, Sunbae.]

This time there was no response for quite a while. Since there was a read receipt, he thought Seo Ahn-jae would just head home, so he put down his smartphone. Suddenly, the phone rang. Seo Ahn-jae’s name appeared on the screen. Startled, Joo Seung-ha grabbed his phone and walked out of the office while answering.

“Yes, Sunbae.”

–What, it really is you.

A small exclamation-like mumble was heard first. Calling me and then asking if it’s really me, what does that mean? As Joo Seung-ha wondered, Seo Ahn-jae’s self-talk continued.

–I thought someone was playing a prank.

“There’s no one around me who would play such pranks.”

–…

“Sunbae?”

–Joo Seung-ha.

It was just his name being called, but strangely, Joo Seung-ha’s heart fluttered. Before he could respond, Seo Ahn-jae continued speaking. His low voice sounded somewhat excited.

–I’ll come pick you up now.

The CEO of Million, whom many had been waiting for, was even more handsome than expected, and his voice was low and deep enough to enchant ears. The two MC^[1]s took turns praising and admiring him as they sat on either side, but when he calmly refuted their exaggerated expressions, people’s approval of him grew even more.

While the broadcast had many impressive points about his looks, educational background, and business success, what viewers particularly noted was a brief conversation that appeared during the closing credits. It was filmed as if capturing a casual chat during break when the cameras were off.

“But you know, I heard that the car you drive isn’t that luxurious. Of course, it’s a well-made, reliable domestic car, but for someone in your position, we’d expect you to hire a chauffeur and drive an expensive imported car that’s rare in Korea.”

When the main MC expressed surprise, the assistant MC quickly added, “It’s not just the car. I hear you still live in the same apartment you’ve had for years, and I’ve been looking at your watch since you arrived—at first, I thought it was a luxury brand. But you’ve been wearing it since college…”

As his voice trailed off questioningly, Seo Ahn-jae looked down at his wristwatch.

“Yes. My parents gave it to me as a graduation gift.”

“Ah, so it has meaning.”

“No. It’s not about meaning, I just kept wearing it.”

The main MC let out what must have been his umpteenth exclamation of the day at those words. The assistant MC who brought up the watch raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

“Then you don’t have like dozens of luxury watches displayed at home…”

“Oh come on. Not everyone’s like you.”

The main MC scolded and apologized to Seo Ahn-jae on his behalf.

“He’s really into luxury goods.”

“That’s fine. It’s just a matter of personal preference.”

“But talking with CEO Seo today, I felt that despite your youth, you have clear goals and don’t waver at all. Usually, even when people set goals, they keep feeling anxious or lost along the way. You seem to run in a straight line. Like you only see one thing. Then perhaps in love too…?”

The main MC asked the question and looked toward the busy staff area with a face trying to hold back laughter.

“The reason I asked this is, actually, someone on our staff has the same name as the person you like. That staff member was smiling just because they shared the same name.”

“Ah, yes.” 

As Seo Ahn-jae nodded slightly with an interesting expression, the main MC carefully asked, “Then will you be getting married soon…?”

“No, right now I’m the only one who likes them.”

Both MCs tilted their heads back simultaneously, letting out sympathetic exclamations. The assistant MC, again seeming unconvinced, asked, “What kind of person are they?”

What kind of person. Seo Ahn-jae lowered his gaze to the floor briefly as if searching for words to express, then said one short sentence.

“Just my first love.”

-THE END-