NFS 3.9

Though Joo Seung-ha grumbled, he deliberately avoided eye contact and added as if making excuses, “Besides, all the warehouse-stored feed is on pallets that need to be moved by forklift. And I happen to be able to drive a forklift. I somehow ended up getting the license, but anyway, I went because they might need me to help out, depending on the situation. I had to go.”

Joo Seung-ha emphasized and waited for Seo Ahn-jae’s counter-attack. But when he heard nothing, he turned his head expecting a contemptuous look from the other man. The Seo Ahn-jae he expected wasn’t there. Instead, he was met with a gentle expression with laughter in his eyes.

“W-Why are you looking at me like that?”

The words came out in stuttering confusion. Why is he looking at me with those eyes? As if he finds me absolutely lovable. Joo Seung-ha leaned back uncomfortably. Seo Ahn-jae had laughter in his eyes as if even this wary Joo Seung-ha was pretty.

“Because you’re cute when you talk.”

What part of what I said makes you think that? Joo Seung-ha reviewed his words.

“What? Getting the forklift license?”

“That’s admirable.”

The casual praise made Joo Seung-ha malfunction again. It was similar to when the truck driver said “Well done.” Just like then, this time as well Joo Seung-ha first brought up the counter-argument that he hadn’t done well.

“Not really. I partly got it hoping the company would hire me as a regular employee, so I did it because of the situation then. It’s nothing admirable. Anyone would have done it.”

“I’m not praising you in comparison to others.”

That’s right. Because he wasn’t someone to compare with others. Instead of agreeing, Joo Seung-ha turned his gaze away again.

“Anyway, it’s nothing worth praising.”

“Ah, now I understand.”

What? When he glanced over, Seo Ahn-jae’s smile carried a sharp light.

“There are people like you who can’t accept praise. Most such people set strict standards for themselves and depreciate themselves excessively compared to others. It might be partly innate temperament, but some people think they don’t deserve to be loved because they didn’t receive proper love when young. Like you.”

Joo Seung-ha’s eyes wavered briefly, but soon his lips carried a sneer.

“Ha, you’re pretending to be a counselor now?”

“This is common knowledge. There’s so much related content online about this. Those ridiculous self-help phrases like ‘love yourself,’ or ‘forgive yourself.'”

“I haven’t seen much, but well, they don’t seem ridiculous at all. They’re all good words.”

When Joo Seung-ha responded expressionlessly, Seo Ahn-jae’s smile deepened.

“They are good words. They’re ridiculous because people just chant them without building self-belief.”

Self-belief. Though it was a simple phrase, Joo Seung-ha’s breath caught as soon as he heard it. How could he believe in his unstable self? The rebuttal came first. As soon as he thought about it, he realized how Seo Ahn-jae’s counselor-like words fit him perfectly. Yes, without belief, how could he love or forgive himself? Damn it. He tensed his face trying not to show it.

“People chant them because it’s hard to do. Don’t mock others’ efforts like that.”

“Is it hard for you too?”

I-I don’t need such chants. He tried to act tough but the words wouldn’t come out. Joo Seung-ha sank into the chair resignedly and asked Seo Ahn-jae, “So what did you figure out about me? That I didn’t receive love so you should pour it on me?”

“That’s right.”

“…”

“I was planning to anyway, but now that I have a reason, so I’ll give you more.”

Looking at the now silent Joo Seung-ha, Seo Ahn-jae held a cruel smile in his eyes.

“Are you scared?”

“As if. What’s love anyway?”

“Good.”

“What is?”

“You should think of it that way so you’ll fall for me like I did for you.”

He smiled sweetly while speaking those spiteful words. With his looks alone, Seo Ahn-jae really wouldn’t be truly hated. Joo Seung-ha thought this while responding, “I’m sorry that you fell for me, senior.”

Seo Ahn-jae tilted his head sideways, dropping his smile. Even his smallest movements had the power to draw attention. Like a beast on its throne subduing others with a languid gaze without needing to show its claws, he had the conviction that others should naturally kneel before him. Conviction, is that so? Is this what comes from self-belief? As Joo Seung-ha pondered vaguely, a dry voice spoke out. It was the unpleasant Seo Ahn-jae’s voice he hadn’t heard in a while.

“The sorry one will be you, who’ll be under me for life.”

“Didn’t you say the 700 million would be done within half a year?”

“Whether it’s 7 billion or 70 billion, it’s easy to put you in debt. Just using your precious puppies, you’ll be crying under me for about 10 years.”

The current Seo Ahn-jae who spoke like a blade without restraint was like when he’d aggressively approached after their reunion. Like then, Joo Seung-ha glared back without backing down.

“Go ahead. If you really fell for that mere love, I just need to use myself. Since you like me, it means I’m your weakness, right?”

Seo Ahn-jae smirked and looked at him with an indulgent gaze.

“You can’t use that weakness.”

“Ha, me? What are you saying? According to you, since I don’t love myself, I can use myself as a sacrifice better than anyone.”

“Then you should have done it already. But you have to take my cock to repay your mother’s debt in the end, right? But you’re going to ignore the more important people?”

“…”

“That’s nonsense.”

“You’ve already failed once.” Seo Ahn-jae announced with a smile. Joo Seung-ha wanted to wipe the smile off his face, though he knew he’d lost this war of words again. This time he couldn’t even respond with bravado. He just silently stared at Seo Ahn-jae. Seo Ahn-jae too stopped wielding his blade and held his gaze for a long while. Though they were just breathing, as their excitement grew and their breaths quickened, the air around them grew quiet as if the waves of emotion were subsiding. The completely settled dark eyes studied Joo Seung-ha’s face as if observing and muttered, “This is bad.”

At Seo Ahn-jae’s words, Joo Seung-ha’s voice also came out in a soft whisper, “What is?”

“I’m not angry. No matter what I talk about with you, I can’t get angry.”

“…Even about me being late today?”

“Ah, that.” Seo Ahn-jae straightened up and ran his hand through his hair.

“I was angry. But the moment I heard the hotel door open, all that anger dissipated.”

“That really is bad.”

When Joo Seung-ha responded with a tone suggesting Seo Ahn-jae had completely lost it, Seo Ahn-jae gave a short laugh. Perhaps because he’d been seeing his smiling face too often lately, Joo Seung-ha could barely remember what he used to be like.

“So did things turn out well with what you made me angry for?”

Joo Seung-ha was a bit surprised at the curious tone coming from someone who shouldn’t care about others’ business. He had criticized him earlier for getting involved in company matters too. Though it could be mere politeness, he wasn’t someone who usually maintained even that level of courtesy. He had so little interest in others. So while Joo Seung-ha could have ignored his question, since the other man had been angry about Joo Seung-ha’s business, he thought about telling him the result. After all, he was wrong to be late today.

But perhaps because thinking about the fire made him tired again, Joo Seung-ha explained the situation without organizing his thoughts. As he spoke, partly due to his nature of not being able to do things half-heartedly, he rubbed his sleepy eyes and tried to hold back yawns while making sure to clearly explain why he was late today, finally reaching his conclusion.

“So that warehouse didn’t even have insurance…”

When Joo Seung-ha stopped speaking, Seo Ahn-jae urged, “Keep talking.”

“…How can I talk when you keep touching my lips like that?”

Joo Seung-ha glanced down at the hand touching his lips and raised his frowning eyes. 

“Take your hand off me first.” 

At the look of warning, Seo Ahn-jae grinned.

“What can I do when I want to touch?”

Joo Seung-ha, who was about to remove the other man’s hand, stopped his half-raised arm in mid-air in disbelief. No, was he this kind of person? Was he really someone who acted like a child in a situation like this? His already stiff mind seemed to stiffen further. But soon he thought, Maybe it wasn’t strange at all. Since Seo Ahn-jae was a selfish person who only cared about himself, this kind of love might be natural for him.

“You need to go back to kindergarten.”

When Joo Seung-ha removed his wrist, Seo Ahn-jae withdrew his hand obediently. Instead, he leaned forward, bringing his face close to Joo Seung-ha’s. He’s going to kiss me at this rate. An unwelcome feeling showed on Joo Seung-ha’s face. Seeing this, Seo Ahn-jae’s gaze turned cold briefly, but he didn’t erase his smile.

“I want to go back to college.”

“Go ahead and go back to learn some basic social manners.”

“With you.”

Joo Seung-ha finally realized Seo Ahn-jae had meant something different. Seo Ahn-jae turned his gaze to empty space as if recalling something.

“If we meet again in school, it would be truly fun this time.”

“…”

Seo Ahn-jae turned his eyes to the silent Joo Seung-ha. Noticing Joo Seung-ha’s stiffness, his gaze turned cold, but he raised his hand to gently brush aside Joo Seung-ha’s bangs.

“Go shower. You’re dirty.”

Once again, a fragment of the past touched his heart. Why did those words affect him so much? Joo Seung-ha stared at his wet reflection while wiping the foggy mirror with his hand. Though knowing he shouldn’t react, he struggled to suppress his anger throughout his shower. What’s fun about it? If we went back to school together, I wouldn’t find it fun at all. Seven years ago…Joo Seung-ha lowered his gaze while suppressing his rising breath. It wasn’t that it wasn’t fun seven years ago. In fact, just having Seo Ahn-jae at school made every day exciting and enjoyable.

“Damn it.”

Joo Seung-ha placed his hands on the sink and softly cursed. Then was he saying he hadn’t enjoyed it at all seven years ago? Of course, he hadn’t. That much he understood. Though Joo Seung-ha had told himself several times that he could understand, his once-raised temper wouldn’t subside.

At this rate, I won’t make it anywhere near India, let alone Bodh Gaya. Perhaps because of this amusing thought, his mind became a bit more peaceful. There was no reason to be angry at all. Joo Seung-ha took a deep breath, trying to view himself objectively. His eyes, still sleepy despite washing, met their reflection in the mirror.

Today I might fall asleep no matter how stimulated I get. I hope he doesn’t have a habit of thrusting into sleeping people. With that wish in mind, he went out of the bathroom, but what awaited Joo Seung-ha wasn’t the bed. The first thing he noticed was the smell of food. There shouldn’t be food smells at this hour. Thinking it strange, Joo Seung-ha saw its source in the food laid out all over the table.

“What’s all this?”

Joo Seung-ha checked the time as he asked. 2:42 a.m.

“You haven’t eaten, right?”

“No, I ate.”

“Ramen doesn’t count as a meal.”

The strict rice faction declared firmly. Joo Seung-ha hesitated, unable to argue back since he really had just had a cup of ramen for dinner.

“That was because I didn’t have time…No, more importantly, I’m not hungry.”

How did he get his hands on so much food when it was still dawn? Though it clearly looked like hotel room service, they shouldn’t take orders at this hour.

“Eat even if you’re not hungry. I don’t want to see you collapse again.”

“I won’t collapse. I already had ramen too…”

“I told you ramen isn’t a meal.”

His sharp response suggested he had no intention of losing this argument. Joo Seung-ha had no other choice but to back down. However, he didn’t forget to protest while grumbling.

“Then what is ramen, dessert?”

“You know well.”

What? When Joo Seung-ha turned with incredulous eyes, Seo Ahn-jae corrected himself, “Though the term appetizer describes it better.”

“The soup would feel hurt hearing that.”

Seo Ahn-jae laughed out loud and grabbed Joo Seung-ha’s arm. His smiling face made Joo Seung-ha miss the timing to shake off his arm, and he went to the table as Seo Ahn-jae led him.

“There’s soup too, so eat it and comfort it.”

There was a covered dish next to what appeared to be steak. It was probably soup. Looking at the menu that blended Korean and Western cuisine, Joo Seung-ha realized that Seo Ahn-jae had ordered everything available from room service.

This was the second time he wondered how Seo Ahn-jae had managed to order items that shouldn’t be available at this hour. What bothered him was Seo Ahn-jae’s behavior—how he must have commanded them to bring out food for him no matter what. This time, the soap bubble that burst before Joo Seung-ha’s eyes was so large that it felt like slippery soap water remained on his hands.

“What? Want to eat something else?”

“It’s past 2 a.m. now.”

At Seo Ahn-jae’s questioning look that seemed to say ‘So what?’, Joo Seung-ha returned an incredulous stare.

“Who eats at this hour?”

“Ah.” Seo Ahn-jae let out an exclamation as if belatedly realizing something, then smiled while running his hand through his hair.

“I used to eat late often. Pulling all-nighters was part of my job at the company.”

Ah. Joo Seung-ha also mentally exclaimed. Right, he was in development. Though these days he probably wouldn’t do direct development…

“I still pull all-nighters occasionally when checking on projects.”

Seo Ahn-jae explained first, as if sensing Joo Seung-ha’s thoughts.

“I see.”

Joo Seung-ha responded half-heartedly and headed toward the bed instead of the dining table. But before he could take more than a few steps, Seo Ahn-jae grabbed his arm. Joo Seung-ha was too tired to shake him off and only turned his weary eyes. His voice came out weak, almost mumbling.

“Please make sure to pack up the food. It would be a waste.”

“Just sit down, even if you don’t eat.”

“What for? I didn’t come here to chat over meals with you, senior. I don’t want to waste time. Did you forget?”

Seo Ahn-jae looked down at him expressionlessly before twisting his lips.

“How could I forget?”

“Good. Then let’s get to it quickly. I’m tired.”