PSY CH 93

“You get to do everything you want, but I can’t even stir things up a little? Are you scared of that?” 

“That’s…!”

Dohyun’s lower lip trembled violently. 

But nothing came out between his opening and closing lips as if he felt ashamed by the truth laid bare.

Back then, he thought it was just revenge. But now he knew. Those actions were far too pathetic to even be called revenge. They were just twisted manifestations of his own emotions. He wanted to control Jooyoung, wanted to prove that Jooyoung was just as messed up as he was. He thought if he could confirm that, he could erase the towering presence Jooyoung held inside him.

As Jooyoung said, he did everything he could with ugly, messed-up feelings.

“…Fuck.”

Dohyun hung his head low and muttered a curse. He rubbed his damp face roughly, pressing the edge of his eye into the back of his hand.

“You already know.”

“…”

“You know exactly what kind of feelings I had when I did all that.”

He was ashamed of himself for not being able to say anything better than that. If only he had known how he really felt back then… maybe he could’ve been a little more honest with Jooyoung. Maybe he wouldn’t be standing here now, head bowed in humiliation.

“Dohyun-ah.” Jooyoung called out gently. Dohyun’s shoulders flinched.

“Hwang Dohyun.”

When he cautiously lifted his head, Jooyoung reached out and wiped the tears from his eyes. 

“If things don’t go my way, I’m going to keep stirring you up.”

Contrary to the kindness of the gesture, Jooyoung’s gaze held a flicker of challenge.

“…””

Dohyun stared blankly into his eyes—and suddenly, it all made sense.

All of Jooyoung’s puzzling actions. The things he only vaguely suspected until now. Every single one finally clicked into place. The veil had been lifted.

“So that’s why you asked me to date you?” 

“…”

“Because you’re scared. You wanted to keep me close.”

Jooyoung’s eyes widened slightly before returning to their usual aloof shape. It was as good as a confirmation.

“…Ha.”

Dohyun let out a bitter laugh, his eyes creasing. He felt pathetic and foolish. He couldn’t even argue with what Jooyoung said—so all he could do was laugh.

He felt like he might die from how hollow it all was, but somewhere deep inside, he felt relief. He felt relief that he was the one who could ease Jooyoung’s fears. That Jooyoung’s desperate warnings were meant for him. That alone made everything somehow okay.

And maybe Jooyoung already knew how he felt. Maybe he’d known even before Dohyun did.

“Damn it, you really…”

Dohyun couldn’t finish the sentence and had to catch his breath.

“So, do you hate it?”

Jooyoung tilted his head slightly.

“…Ha.”

There was no way he didn’t hate it. Even now, the one feeling relieved was him. It frustrated him to death, but that was the reality.

“You just keep liking me. That’s all I care about.” 

Loving someone should be a beautiful thing, but for some reason, Dohyun always felt pathetic when he did. It made him constantly compare himself to others, and each time, he was forced to face how worthless he was. It was obvious he’d never received love, but he didn’t know how to hide his need for it either, so he just clung to people.

This—right now—was the result of all that clinging. 

“Then what about me?”

“…”

“Am I just supposed to fucking lose everything… like this?” 

Dohyun bit down on his lower lip hard enough to draw blood. If he could cut off these blind, all-consuming feelings for someone, that would’ve been best. But he already knew that was impossible.

“…I want something back from you too.”

He could feel the shame trembling in his cheeks. 

“But you never even thought about trying to like me.”

Just saying it out loud made him feel so pathetic that he thought he’d die. His lashes were clumped together in strands, leaving a damp trail beneath his eyes. And each time the cold wind blew over them, the chill pierced through the holes in his heart.

“…”

Jooyoung looked stunned, like he’d heard something completely unexpected.

After a long silence, Jooyoung slowly lifted his gaze from the ground and said, “Then I’ll try to fall for you.”

A car passed along the road, briefly sweeping its headlights through the alley. Jooyoung’s face, cloaked in shadow, was lit up in an instant.

And in that moment, Dohyun had a single, terrifying thought—he might spend the rest of his life being swept away by this man. Jooyoung gave nothing, yet always asked for more. To fall for someone this selfish… the ending had been inevitable from the very start. Dohyun knew he could never win against him.

“It’s past midnight.”

Jooyoung, squinting at the sudden light, murmured like he was talking to himself.

“Happy birthday, Hwang Dohyun.”

He turned his gaze from the road and met Dohyun’s eyes.

The alley was cluttered with pre-discarded trash and boxes of liquor. A fan hummed endlessly from a vent, and the walls of the building were chipped and grimy.

It was there, slumped against that wall, that Dohyun spent his birthday. His lashes were heavy with clumped, dried tears, and his cheeks stung where the tears had dried. There were no long candles or birthday songs—just an achingly shabby moment. And yet, warmth slowly began to rise from his toes, as if he were sitting in front of a fire.

The loneliness that had clung to him like a shadow finally let go, if only for a moment.

All because of one person—Bae Jooyoung.

“…Ha.”

Dohyun let his head fall back against the wall. The moon was half-covered by gray clouds, making the night sky feel especially dark.

His eyes dropped, settling on the clear face that filled his view. Bright yellow eyes glowed even brighter than the moon. He had always been mesmerized by them. It was like being tied down by a rope—he couldn’t move, couldn’t escape.

Maybe he’d be taken and abandoned all over again. 

But Dohyun remembered the Jooyoung, who’d stormed over asking why he didn’t answer his calls. The one who panicked and asked where he was going the moment he picked up his wallet.

“I’m scared and lonely.”

Jooyoung, who always seemed like a lone island at home.

Was there anyone who knew Bae Jooyoung better than he did? The emotion filling Jooyoung the most right now was fear. And just earlier, Jooyoung had said it himself—that he didn’t feel anxious when Dohyun was by his side.

Thump. Thump. His heart pounded like it would drop right out of him.

Dohyun raised his arm and roughly wiped his face. The whites of his eyes, reddened from broken blood vessels, glistened.

Even if defeat was inevitable, it felt like a fight worth trying because it wasn’t about winning. What he truly wanted was…

Just then, a hand suddenly reached out and brushed his face. The feel of slender fingers, slightly cool. And a gaze that was only ever for him.

“You cry just like when you were a kid.” Jooyoung mumbled to himself, as if amazed.

The hand that wiped his wet cheek pulled away, but the feeling lingered. It stayed there, hovering on his skin like an afterimage. 

Even the smallest, most thoughtless gesture from the other person took on an entirely different meaning for him. To like someone means having to endure moments like this, over and over again. And when the feelings between two people aren’t unequal, that difference becomes all the more painfully clear.

“…Go ahead and try to make me like you.”

Jooyoung blinked slowly.

“Okay.”

The reply was short and simple, as if it were something that would never happen.

Since they reunited, many things had happened between them, but Dohyun was always the one being swept along. Even when he was cornered and threatened, Jooyoung never fully lost control. Because he knew Dohyun would never cross the final line.

Dohyun laughed as he wiped the corners of his eyes with the base of his palm.

Unlike himself, Jooyoung made everything look so easy. The gap between them felt ridiculous. And even now, he couldn’t bring himself to wipe the spot Jooyoung had touched. He felt so pathetic.

“You think I’m fucking easy, don’t you?”

“…”

“Well, I guess I am.”

Dohyun wiped his wet face roughly and exhaled all the moisture left in his breath.

“You said you’d wait, right?”

He dusted off his hands and straightened up like a beast unfolding its limbs. The alley was too dark to see his expression clearly, but the veins bulging along his tightly clenched fists stood out vividly.

“…Then wait until I come to you.”

With a hardened face, Dohyun turned away.

His footsteps echoed through the quiet alley. Jooyoung slowly stood up and silently watched his retreating back.

Then—

Just as Dohyun was walking away with long strides, he suddenly stopped.

“…Ha.”

A breathy sound, like a cough, escaped into the stillness. His head dropped forward, and for a long moment, he didn’t move, his face buried in his palm.

A few seconds passed—then it all happened in a flash.

He raised his head and spun around. In wide, determined strides, he closed the distance and stopped right in front of Jooyoung. The heat radiating off him was intense. Jooyoung braced himself, thinking he was about to explode in anger.

“Fuck… I can’t do this.”

But what spilled over wasn’t rage—it was sorrow. At that moment, the white clouds parted, revealing the moon. Its light filled the once-dark alley. And Jooyoung saw it. Dohyun’s face, contorted in sheer devastation.