SSL 20

However, that pain was not empty. It felt like a fair price that had to be paid. The destination was such a warm and beautiful place that, to go to such a place, one had no choice but to pay that much. Was this a similar feeling? Doyoon recalled an event from a few months ago.

His younger brother had been scolded harshly by their father. It was because he had spent tens of thousands of won after watching a movie and going to a family restaurant with his friends. His brother had sobbed and argued back. He knew it was a lot of money, he said, but he did not regret it one bit.

At the time, Doyoon had not understood his brother at all. But now, as he put his bus card into his bag and sat down by the window, he thought. He must have really liked those friends.

He must have had a very happy time. Through the window, Doyoon watched the scenery outside flow toward his destination. He let his gaze stretch out comfortably, but as the station grew closer, he began to feel anxious. Did something like that really happen yesterday?

Did I really sit across from someone, show them my plain notebook without a second thought, and talk about my feelings while drawing in it? And while having that conversation, the other person smiled at me? Could something like that truly happen in reality?

Maybe it was all a dream. Just as a sudden fear gripped him, the voice announcement came on, and Doyoon flinched.

— Next stop is XX, XX station.

“……”

Getting up with his bag, Doyoon stood in front of the back door in advance. He waited for the bus to stop, looking only at the tips of his shoes, and even after getting off, he could only bring himself to raise his head again after hearing a voice.

“Kang Doyoon!”

A tall boy standing in the shade under the eaves of a convenience store raised his hand, and when Doyoon stopped and stood there blankly, he came over. As he stepped out into the strong sunlight that felt almost stinging, his appearance was revealed clearly. A turquoise short-sleeved t-shirt, a thin hoop piercing in his left ear only, brown hair that took on a partial golden sheen when dyed by the sunlight, and smiling eyes under neat eyebrows.

He’s really there.

Doyoon thought. But it felt like something was missing, and the desire flowed through his fingertips before his mind could even register it. I want to touch him.

Just seeing is not enough. Because the light is so overflowing that it feels unreal. It seemed he would only feel at ease after confirming it was real by touching him. While mulling this over, he could not dare to make a move from his side, but just then, Jaehyun came closer, bumped his shoulder with his fist, and said, “Let’s go.” Doyoon nodded and followed his steps.

The two headed toward the officetel. As they passed a tan-colored villa, Doyoon walked with his eyes fixed only on Jaehyun’s back, and as he took off his shoes upon reaching the second floor, he let out a shallow sigh without realizing it. As if he had finally entered a safe place.

With the air conditioner evenly blowing out a cool breeze, the two sat at a light-colored wooden dining table and studied. Doyoon got a perfect score on the final simple oral quiz, and Jaehyun, seeming satisfied, said, “Good, that’s it for now,” and then brought up the next topic.

“Do you remember the mouse drawing from the books we looked at yesterday?”

“Yes.”

“What did I say the art movement was called, for drawing in that really photorealistic style?”

“……”

Asked as if it were a quiz, Doyoon frowned and searched his memory. He could not remember. Come to think of it, some unfamiliar word did seem to have been mentioned. As Doyoon remained unable to answer for a while with his eyes cast down, Jaehyun smiled and pulled out a pamphlet that was tucked at the very bottom of the stack of books on the table.

“Hyperrealism, I said.”

“……That’s right.”

“There’s a joint exhibition of domestic artists from that movement starting next weekend.”

With the tip of his index finger, Jaehyun pointed alternately to the date and location on the cover, then opened it to show the pictures inside and made a suggestion.

“It’s about a 25-minute subway ride. The art museum itself is nice too. Want to go together after the exams are over?”

Doyoon swallowed dryly.

On the second page of the pamphlet, still life paintings were printed in small sizes. Among them was one that depicted a dead pigeon among a vase and fruits. The brushstrokes brought the shape of the pure white feathers to life so softly that it was indistinguishable from a photograph.

He chose an exhibition that I would be interested in. As he thought that, the very center of his heart tingled. Scenes already flashed and passed through his mind. The image of a place called an art museum. A spacious area and high walls. Not a palm-sized print, but a large original work hanging, and he himself stands in front of it, talking with Jaehyun.

Standing in front of the paintings, moving between the paintings, and also on the way there and back on the subway, the two of them face each other and talk in soft voices. They talk happily and sometimes laugh. Mixed in among many other people.

Other people.

Doyoon suddenly held his breath, and he imagined a boy from the same school mixed in with those people. That boy stealthily raises his phone and click, secretly takes a picture of the two of them. Just like Park Kanghyuk did in the third year of middle school. And the next day, he shows it to the kids at school and exposes them. ‘Hey, they say Cha Jaehyun is friends with Kang Doyoon!’

Without realizing it, his fist clenched tightly under the table. He snapped to his senses. It felt like returning to reality. Not the reality like a small puddle that briefly formed on a rainy day, but to a place like a dry ground that would be there forever.

As Doyoon remained silent with his eyes cast down for quite a while, Jaehyun, perhaps misinterpreting his reaction, carefully added.

“I’ll buy the tickets. They’re not that expensive. You’ve done really well doing as I asked during our study sessions, so think of it as payment for that.”

“No. I’m not going.”

Doyoon cut him off firmly as he raised his eyes.

A shrill sound escaped. It sharply cut through the cozy indoor air. Jaehyun replied with a light, groan-like sound, “Oh, okay,” and looked back and forth between Doyoon’s face and the pamphlet under his hand, before asking again in a slightly lower tone.

“……You dislike it that much?”

“It’s not that.”

Doyoon blurted out hastily.

“The exhibition is great. I like it, and I want to go. It’s just, I……. I don’t want to go with you. I’ll go by myself. Thanks for letting me know.”

“……”

Silence again.

Seeing the furrow in Jaehyun’s brow deepen, Doyoon’s stomach sank. He had not wanted to make him frown, that is why he had just explained. That it was absolutely not because Jaehyun had chosen the wrong exhibition, that he liked it enough to want to go even alone.

But it seemed it was the wrong answer again. He said something wrong. Jaehyun soon let out a short breath, whoosh, and said.

“Alright. I’m glad you liked it.”

“……Yes.”

“Then you can head out.”

Even as he spoke, Jaehyun did not look at Doyoon. He pushed the books and pamphlet to one side, bowing his head to look only at the tabletop. As if he particularly did not want to show his expression to the other person.

Doyoon also began to pack his bag. Jaehyun got up first and went toward the entryway, and stood off to the side staring only at the floor, but by the time Doyoon had finished tying his shoelaces, he was smiling normally again and greeted him in a bright voice.

“Bye. See you at school.”

“Okay.”

Nodding, Doyoon turned to leave, but then he suddenly flinched his shoulders. A strange sense of unease.

What is it? Had Jaehyun ever said ‘See you at school’ before? It seemed not. Why would he suddenly greet me like that today? As Doyoon stood frozen with his hand on the front doorknob, a question flew from behind him.

“What are you doing? Is there something there?”

“What do you mean?”

Only then did Doyoon gather his courage, turn around, and begin to speak.

“Huh?”

“By ‘see you at school’.”

“Tomorrow’s Monday. Aren’t you coming to school? Then we’ll see each other at school.”

“That is……. you mean we’ll happen to see each other because we’re in the same class, right? Not that you’ll say hi, or talk to me, or anything like that.”

“Huh?”

Jaehyun tilted his head.

“Of course I’ll say hi. We’re friends now.”

“We’re not.”

Without realizing it, he shouted, his voice thick with breath.

“You’re not my friend. We decided not to be. We promised to pretend we don’t know each other at school.”

“No……. It was like that at first. But, isn’t that over now? We had fun yesterday. At this point, we’re friends.”

“No. We can’t.”

“……Why?”

Jaehyun smiled faintly.

The shape of his lips, the contraction of his cheeks, he is smiling. But his eyebrows were furrowed. A deep line was carved back into his brow. As Doyoon was bewildered by the mixed signals, Jaehyun asked again. Emitting a surprisingly low, subdued tone from between his smiling lips.

“Kang Doyoon, why can’t we?”

“Because, I, you…….”

Stammering, Doyoon barely managed to let out the words one by one.

“In middle school, there was a kid similar to you.”

“……?”

“Just one person in the class. He was the only one who would sometimes talk to me, and ask me to eat with him. Then he was almost mistaken for being a kid like me. He was a really normal and smart kid like you, but because he hung out with me, the other kids got the wrong idea.”

“So he stopped?”

“Huh?”

“After almost being mistaken, did he stop talking to you?”

“Yes.”

“What a coward.”

Asymmetry. The corner of Jaehyun’s mouth lifted higher on one side, and perhaps because of that, his voice came out somewhat angularly.

“The kids were mean, and he was spineless. I hate it when people flock together like that and make their own rules among themselves. Being forced to follow them is just ridiculous.”

“I don’t know what you’re saying.”

“It means I don’t care whether I get so-called misunderstood or not. Honestly…….”

At the end of his sentence, Jaehyun’s eyes narrowed into the shape of a crescent moon. The color that lingered around his eyes and lips, an expression that looked like a child’s. Making his adult-like, resolute voice ring with a frightening innocence.

“……I have more than enough ability to live well without caring one bit what others do.”

“No.”

Doyoon bit his lip and then spat out.

“Cha Jaehyun, you’re not a kid like me. You’re a very normal and excellent kid.”

“Hey. You always—.”

“Like you said, you’re a bit different. You can hang out with someone like me without it being a big deal. I get that. But that’s not because you’re a person similar to me.”

It seemed like Jaehyun was about to interrupt, so Doyoon deliberately continued quickly.

“Rather, it’s because you’re too smart. It’s not because you’re pathetic and strange like me, but because you’re so ridiculously outstanding that you can even hang out with a kid like me. But you can’t be wrongly misunderstood.”

Cha Jaehyun came to me. Doyoon mulled over it in his mind.

He willingly set foot into the place where Doyoon was. But to Jaehyun, that place is just someone else’s house he is briefly visiting. Jaehyun is by no means a person who, like Doyoon, is forced to live cooped up only in that one place. Quite the opposite. He is a person who can travel very freely and widely, which is why he can even find and visit the home of someone like Doyoon.

He knew because he had seen Jaehyun both at home and at school. In his living room and his own room, he has lots of books in various languages, and albums performed and released by people from all over the world. During physical education class at school, he jumped higher, ran faster, or threw the ball into the hoop more accurately than anyone else. During last week’s music practical, too, he played the piano with a skill that was incomparable to Doyoon’s.