TIN 150

Fucking bastard.

I didn’t know how many times I had repeated those curses. Uncontrollable anger surged to the top of I head, and I seethed with rage. My heart raced, but all I could do was sit on the bed and glare at the door.

The medicine I took was vitamins.

When I belatedly recalled the sour taste that had touched the tip of my tongue, I was so dumbfounded that I couldn’t even curse. What was that bastard thinking as he watched me swallow the insignificant nutritional supplement so solemnly? His meaningful gaze, his unusually relaxed attitude, all of it was nothing but deception.

He doesn’t think he spared me. That bastard was just testing me like that and enjoying my reaction. He must have been trying to see what choice I would make after pushing me to my limit.

HI wanted to spit in his face, but Joo Do-hwa didn’t even show himself until the sun was high in the sky. The only one who came to my room was an employee who silently brought rice porridge. Of course, it was taken away almost immediately because I started to retch the moment I smelled it.

I couldn’t sleep. But I didn’t do anything worthwhile either. I just lay in bed, endlessly replaying what had happened. The sight of him chewing and swallowing the pill, and the single sentence that slipped out slowly as he smiled faintly.

‘This, the contents are just vitamins.’

Ironically, the last emotion I felt was relief. That it was vitamins, that nothing would happen from the medicine I swallowed, and that everything stayed the same.

I had brushed it off as if it didn’t matter, but when it came time for me to throw it away with my own hands, I felt like I was suffocating under its weight. In truth, I had no real choice, yet it felt unfair that all the responsibility for the consequences rested on me alone.

Honestly, I didn’t want to choose anything with my own hands. To be precise, I still needed more time to think and to accept it. I had learned overnight that something had grown in my stomach, a situation I had never even imagined.

It had only been two days since I learned that that person had died. The one person I had longed for all my life had left me and left this world to find freedom. The realization that my existence might have been a shackle was so miserable that I came to resent the past I had cherished.

And now, I was shackled too. While everything felt like an obstacle, there were moments when I was disgusted with myself for thinking that way. Not out of conscience, that trivial reason, but because of the contradictory feelings I couldn’t even begin to explain in a single word.

I wanted to hate that person as much as I could. I wanted to blame him, resent him, and follow him out of this world. I had nearly given up everything because of that unbearable sense of loss, so why had I ended up giving him a reason to empathize?

I knew, rationally, that it would be better to erase it. But now, I wasn’t confident. Just like that single sentence Joo Do-hwa, who had saved me from death, repeated like a mantra.

‘Hyung can’t die.’

“…”

I ground my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut. Covering my eyes with one hand, I tried to calm my churning stomach. Even lying still, it felt like I was choking.

‘All you had to do was say one word, but you’re so stubborn.’

Fine. Let’s say I said that damn ‘one word.’ Let’s say I admitted without resistance that it was your child, that I was carrying your child.

But no matter how many futures I imagined, I couldn’t see myself living happily in this house, giving birth to a child. I had no intention of living as Joo Do-hwa’s hyung, and Joo Do-hwa wouldn’t take me in for the rest of his life. There was no way such a ridiculous scene could ever come true.

Then what about leaving this house?

The vague idea was discarded before it could turn into a concrete plan. I had been caught even after running away alone, there was no way I could escape with a child. Unless I hid somewhere completely safe, it would only be a matter of time before I was found.

For example, like the island I used to live on…

“…”

I laughed. I knew exactly how that person and I, hiding on that island, had ultimately met our end. Even as my present showed me that very future, I was foolish enough to cling to that hope.

“Fuck…”

The countless curses I spat out were useless. The room was enormous, yet I felt as suffocated as if I were trapped in a cramped space. Breathing grew harder and harder, as though the air itself was running out.

Feeling like I was on the verge of losing my mind, I forced myself to get up and leave the bed. I didn’t repeat yesterday’s mistake of stepping on my right foot, instead moving slowly while supporting myself against the wall. Staying like this felt dangerous, like I might end up strangling myself if I didn’t move.

I didn’t go near the window. A window that couldn’t be opened even by a fingernail’s width wouldn’t help alleviate this stuffiness. And I didn’t particularly want to see the empty scenery spread out beyond the window right now.

So, I headed towards the firmly closed door. It was half a gamble. It seemed like the servant who brought the rice porridge earlier hadn’t locked the door when they left. Thinking back a bit further, no one who came in or out had ever locked it.

“…….”

A little nervous, I reached out, but the doorknob turned without any resistance. Seeing the door open so easily, I couldn’t help but let out a hollow sigh. You really thought I was an idiot. Or maybe it was confidence that I couldn’t escape even if I left the room.

Well, there was no time to think that far. The important thing was to get some breathing room somehow.

The hallway was empty. The fact that there wasn’t even anyone guarding the door seemed to show how relaxed he was. The last smile I saw must have been out of certainty that I couldn’t die.

You sly bastard.

I didn’t care about such belated feelings. Knowing there was an exit in the opposite direction, I didn’t even glance that way and turned around. Just because there was no one visible didn’t mean I wasn’t being watched.

The structure of the villa was similar to what I remembered. I had spent most of my time with the child in this villa, so it was more familiar to me than his main house. I knew where everything was, where to go to find what, I could find it all with my eyes closed.

For example, things like this: if you walk along the wooden floor, you’ll find stairs leading to the attic. The door I’m passing now is the room the child used to use, and the room next to it is where I used to stay as a child. And next to that is the playroom the child used.

‘There are so many books in that room.’

A youthful voice seemed to ring in my ears. Every time I passed a familiar scene, memories of being with the child came flooding back. The hallway we walked together, the stairs where I almost fell, even the carpet where I spilled a drink and troubled Logan.

“Haa…”

Would I be crazy to say I was glad? It felt like the past, now fading into memory, remained intact. Although I could never see the child from that time again.

“…Ugh.”

My steps were endlessly slow and sluggish. Especially because I had to stop every now and then due to the pain in my legs.

I was lucky that the place I was confined to was on the second floor. Otherwise, I might have had to crawl up the stairs instead of dragging my legs. Wandering around the hallway could be passed off as getting lost, but climbing the stairs would look suspicious.

“…….”

The closer I got to the end of the hallway, the more impatient I became. I unknowingly took a step forward into the bright sunlight, only to stifle a scream and collapse.

“…Shit.”

I awkwardly got back to my feet and moved forward again. The end of the second-floor hallway. The place I visited most often when I stayed here. One of the reasons I liked this villa, and a memory with the child I could never forget.

And towards the very place where Joo Do-hwa sweetly whispered.

‘The sea you see from the villa window will be prettier than the paintings Hyung always looks at.’

“…….”

I stopped walking as if possessed. Just one step away, beyond the unopenable window, was the scenery I longed for. The sea, sparkling beautifully in the warm sunlight, turning yellow like the child’s eyes when the sun set.

‘Hyung, what are you doing there?’

It was not long after I followed the child. It was when I was wandering around the second floor with the child that I discovered this window. Discovering such a beautiful view beyond the glass window made only for decoration.

‘What do you see there?’

The window was high even for me, who was nine years old, so the child, who was smaller than me, wouldn’t have been able to see outside. The child, who was as small as a doll at the time, couldn’t hide their bewilderment at seeing me staring blankly, lost in thought. They asked what was there, said they couldn’t see anything, and even tugged at my sleeve with their maple-leaf-like hands.

‘I’m asking what you see.’

The child, who urged me several times, eventually gave up on getting an answer from me. Then, later, they had a servant bring a chair, stood on it, and looked outside. When they finally got to enjoy the same scenery as me, they asked with clear eyes.

‘Do you like the sea?’

“…Yes.”

The answer I couldn’t give back then came out of my mouth now. I like the sea. I like seeing the sea, feeling it. On the deserted island, that was my only entertainment.

After that day, we often stood side by side here, looking out the window. We usually spent time sitting on the beach, but there was no other option on days when we couldn’t go out. Like when we had a cold, or on rainy days.

‘You can see the sea from the window in that room too.’

Unlike me, who was standing there as if nailed to the spot, the child tried to coax me in that way whenever they had the chance. They must have been uncomfortable standing on the chair, but as they said, the sea could be seen from the room the child and I used. However, it was most beautiful when viewed from here.

The window that was so high back then is so low now. The height, which barely reaches my waist, is not much different from the position of a typical window. I hadn’t even thought about how much I’d grown, but I was realizing it in this way.

‘You can’t go back anyway.’

“…….”

I quietly raised one hand and placed it on the window. I couldn’t believe that I had wished so much to fall into that place and die, but now I was trapped here. The fact that I could never reach the sea again, even though it was so close, made me feel anxious.

Could I go to the sea if I broke this and jumped out? Knowing it was a ridiculous assumption, I unnecessarily put strength into my fingertips. It wouldn’t break even if I did this, but I couldn’t stay still.

The problem was the presence I felt behind me.

“I was wondering where you were wandering around…”

A familiar pheromone brushed the tip of my nose. Feeling the churning in my stomach slowly subside, I very slowly turned around. A voice as sweet as the sugary scent leisurely asked me.

“What are you doing there?”

As expected, it was Joo Do-hwa. Joo Do-hwa, with a bandage on one hand and dressed in comfortable clothes, stood blankly in the hallway, watching me. His golden eyes, shining like the shimmering sunlight, looked straight at me without wavering.

“Someone with an injured leg…”

There was no need to answer that I was looking out the window. The words coming from his mouth stopped abruptly the moment our eyes met. His languid eyes changed to a blank stare in an instant.

“…….”

“…….”

An inexplicable silence fell between us. The gaze that had been clearly fixed on me suddenly became blurry. A face frozen as if petrified, tightly closed lips, and finally, a burst of exclamation.

“…Ah.”