ABM CH 2

Chapter 2: One out of Thirty-Four

The reason I liked spring was because of the flowers. Especially the cherry blossoms. Most of the kids in the class must have thought the same as they watched the cherry blossom petals fall onto Woo Yeonho’s head, who sat by the window.

Everything in this cramped space was achromatic, except for Woo Yeonho and the cherry blossoms, which stood out vividly with their own colors.

I wasn’t particularly fond of appreciating art, but if there was a frame, it felt like we were in an art gallery.

My seat was at the opposite end of the same row as Woo Yeonho, so he had no reason to look at me. That allowed me to freely steal glances at his picturesque figure.

I felt sorry to the teacher, but the voice explaining the textbook content gradually became muffled, as if my ears were intentionally blocking the sound. It blurred, and then all the surrounding noise disappeared.

Suddenly, Woo Yeonho’s voice from one morning echoed in my head.

‘Seungwoo yah, you have a mole on the back of your neck.’

‘It’s pretty.’

‘Are you ticklish?’

‘I want to touch it.’

‘Can I?’

‘Too bad.’

What does he mean by being disappointed about not being able to touch someone else’s mole?

‘I suddenly thought of you yesterday, Seungwoo yah.’

‘Are you not going to ask what I was thinking?’

‘It’s a secret. I won’t tell you.’

Why did he suddenly think of me, and what was he thinking about?

‘Seungwoo yah, I can’t help but smile whenever I see you.’

‘You never smile back at me, though.’

‘You’d look really pretty if you smiled.’

‘Can’t you smile just once for me?’

Why do you smile whenever you see me? Why should I smile for you?

My stomach felt sick. The fantasies I had barely managed to stop a few days ago exploded in my head again, filling my thoughts completely.

It was at that moment when Woo Yeonho and I made eye contact. His face was expressionless, but I, who could discern his oddities, quickly read the emotion behind it. Woo Yeonho’s expressionless face held a clear sense of annoyance. It was as if he had peered into my exploding fantasies. He looked at me with that face for just a moment, then gave a slight smile and turned away. Even though it was a brief smile, it was different from the smiles he had shown me before.

So, all this time, it was just a whim of Woo Yeonho. My chest tingled below, and my face grew hot.

Ah, what kind of face was I making just now?

***

The sky was so clear during the day, it started raining just as classes ended. Many students ran to the bus stop with all their might without umbrellas because the weather forecast was wrong. I figured getting soaked was inevitable whether I left early or late, so I lingered in the classroom as long as possible. However, the students on cleaning duty urged me to leave, so I eventually dragged myself out of the classroom.

Woo Yeonho had already gone home. Among the kids stamping their feet, complaining about not having an umbrella, he calmly fiddled with his phone. When someone asked if he had an umbrella, he simply replied, “No,” and was immediately dragged out by those fortunate enough to have one.

Looking out the window, I saw Woo Yeonho squeezing his tall frame under a small, yellow umbrella as he exited through the main entrance on the first floor. It was probably the umbrella of some lucky student who won at rock-paper-scissors among the winners.

The spring rain poured down like a sudden shower. The cherry blossoms that had made Woo Yeonho look like a character in a painting had all fallen, creating yet another picturesque scene.

Standing precariously under the roof of the main entrance, I reached out my hand, letting the rain soak it. I couldn’t muster the courage to just dash out into the rain, so I stood there blankly, reminiscing about what had happened a few hours ago.

After making eye contact with Woo Yeonho and reading the hidden meaning in his expression, I couldn’t bear to look at him again. Knowing he found me annoying, I couldn’t shamelessly keep staring at him, so I quickly turned away and avoided looking in his direction for the rest of the day.

It wasn’t just that Woo Yeonho found me annoying; what bothered me more was that he thought of me as no different from the other guys. 

I was different from the others. Unlike the guys who shamelessly clung to him despite being rejected over and over, I didn’t stick to him. I wasn’t someone who would die if I couldn’t see his face, and I didn’t spend my entire day hovering around him just to strike up a conversation.

All the things Woo Yeonho did to me in the past were just whims of a self-satisfied person who got bored. The end of those whims didn’t leave me hurt. So, even if those kindnesses were meaningless, it didn’t matter. What bothered me was being treated as just 1 of the 34 students in the 3rd class of 2nd grade in highschool in his relationships.

I was the only one who knew about Woo Yeonho’s peculiar presence and the emotions he swallowed.

“I’m so special, yet I’m just one out of thirty-four…”

And what infuriated me the most was that I was the one who contributed the most to this situation.

I wasn’t gay, nor did I like Woo Yeonho. Unlike the other guys, I didn’t want to form a special bond with him, yet just because of a single whim, I started having ridiculous thoughts.

I swear, I had never once thought of having a romantic relationship with Woo Yeonho.

Yes, that’s right. I had never had such thoughts. The only reason I started having these ridiculous ideas was because of Woo Yeonho himself.

He had no right to make that face when he was the one who acted in a way that could be easily misunderstood. If he didn’t like sweets so much, he should have refused them before taking them. He could have given them to someone who liked him instead of feeding them to me. But if I told him this, he would calmly respond,

“Then why did you eat them?”

Exactly. Why did I eagerly accept everything he gave me? It’s not like I particularly liked sweets.

Anyway, it’s all over now. In the end, I became just one of the thirty-four to him, and in a year, I would be just one out of 714 students in the entire school, and after graduation, we would drift even further apart.

I shouldn’t have felt this way, but I became very depressed. I wanted to go home, take a warm shower, and sleep in my bed. I wanted to sleep soundly without any thoughts and wake up having forgotten everything.

…I wanted to hide this shock one way or another.

***

Whether I was shocked or not, time flew by so quickly. As a result, the emotions that were heavily pressed near my chest quickly dissipated, that even when I saw Woo Yeonho’s face, I didn’t think much about it.

I returned to my old self, reading Woo Yeonho’s expressions and mocking the people he interacted with. I even returned to my earlier arrival time at school, always getting to the classroom first. Of course, Woo Yeonho wasn’t there at that time. With less time spent thinking about Woo Yeonho, I found peace.

“Seungwoo yah.”

But it was as if my thoughts were being mocked, as I was quickly pushed to the edge of an uneasy cliff.

“How does it feel to like a guy?”

The question he asked while he had me cornered in his space choked me up. I stuttered more than usual, asking him what he was talking about. Woo Yeonho looked down at me with an expression that seemed to mirror my confusion.

The shadow Woo Yeonho cast was as cold and dark as he was now. Up close, I couldn’t read his thoughts from his face, just like last time. Was it contempt or genuine curiosity? 

So I honestly said that I didn’t like guys. Quite clearly and loudly, too. But Woo Yeonho, ignoring my effort, gently touched my stiff hair and spoke tenderly.

“I’m just curious. Seongwoo. You like me, don’t you?”

There are many things in life that we know but pretend not to. My older sister, worn down by society, once said that it’s easier to live if you can simply deceive yourself. I finally understood what she meant now. Once you’ve tasted sweetness, it’s a feeling that’s impossible to forget.

「I want to be someone special to Woo Yeonho.」

I thought I had forgotten this, but I was only pretending to. Nothing had changed. The peace I had achieved by pretending not to know was easily shattered by just a few words from Woo Yeonho.

“Ugh……”

A sudden wave of nausea hit me, and I covered my mouth, but only bitter bile rose up. If I could just vomit, I might escape this overwhelming moment. 

Woo Yeonho didn’t even pretend to care as I tried to calm my churning stomach and dry-heaved. His voice was sweet as honey, but his actions were as cold as ice. He silently urged me to respond.

‘What exactly did he want to hear?’ 

Was he trying to mock me just as I had mocked those who cling to him? If so, he didn’t need to press me like this. He already saw me as no different from those other guys. Or, did I actually matter to him, even a little?

‘Did I have even a sliver of significance to you?’

No, I knew the truth. From the start, I was just another person breathing the same air, attending the same classes, walking the same paths, but never truly existing in his field of vision. Even when I discovered the real Woo Yeonho and felt a flutter in my heart, mocking those who were clueless, I was just another extra to him.

The sky was cloudless at 5 p.m. in April. The corridor of the old building, where Woo Yeonho and I were in, was silent with not a single person passing by. Occasionally, I could hear the shouts of kids playing soccer on the field, and the annoying vibration of the phone in Woo Yeonho’s pocket. 

Despite the long silence, Woo Yeonho remained unchanged. He continued to block my way out, waiting for the answer that he wanted to hear.

No matter how I answered, it wasn’t going to be the right one. The truth was, I didn’t know Woo Yeonho at all. Everything was my delusion, and perhaps even Woo Yeon-ho’s strange behavior in the mornings over the past few days was all just my imagination.

A fantasy that I had made up, thinking I knew him and wanting to feel a little more special.

“I don’t like you…”

“That’s not true.”

I looked up at the immediate response and stared at Woo Yeonho’s face. His bright brown eyes still sparkled beautifully in the dim corridor, even with the diminishing light. This time, Woo Yeonho didn’t wait for my answer.

“Seungwoo yah, I hate liars.”

Then, stop calling my name so tenderly. I knew your intentions were harsh, but the tenderness in your voice made me feel emotional despite knowing better.

“It’s not… a lie… It’s really… not…”

Ah… could it be that he couldn’t accept being the first person someone doesn’t like? I didn’t think he would care about something like that, but I didn’t want to argue any longer, so I quickly corrected myself.

“No, no, you’re right. I do like you…”

Woo Yeonho’s eyebrows raised. For the first time, a new expression crossed his otherwise unchanged face.

“Really?”

Woo Yeonho was always composed, but today he seemed even more so. His hand moved from my hair to my cheek. Now, it wasn’t just my head; every part of my skin he touched felt itchy. Even my knuckles felt itchy, so I kept clenching and unclenching my fists.

“So, when are you going to answer the question I asked earlier?”

What’s it like to like a guy…? His intentions for asking were too obvious. He wanted to mock me. To tease me. Maybe even to spread rumors.

I remembered the guy who had once boasted, with crude jokes and disgusting remarks, about how Woo Yeonho had received multiple confessions from other guys. Woo Yeonho had never stopped anyone from blabbering about such personal matters right in front of him.

He probably didn’t care. Those people were just names and faces he wouldn’t even remember now.

“It’s… just the same… there’s no difference.”

“What’s the same?”

“Liking… a girl… it’s the same.”

“So, you used to like girls before?”

I just nodded vaguely at the persistent followed up questions.

Maybe when I was in elementary school. Before I met Woo Yeonho in high school, I had never even felt the emotion of liking someone, let alone having a relationship. I wished I could have lived my whole life without knowing this feeling. If only I had moved far away when I was in middle school. Then I wouldn’t have come to this school and I would never have met Woo Yeonho.

“So, Seung-woo.”

Even after I gave him the answer he wanted, Woo Yeonho didn’t seem to have any intention of letting me go. His deep voice called my name again, and I instinctively met his eyes. His phone buzzed in his pocket again, its persistent noise indicating that someone was urgently trying to reach him. Whoever it was, I hoped they would come quickly and take him away.

If Woo Yeonho left, I wanted to cry for just a brief moment, then go home, eat something delicious, and fall asleep with a full stomach. I was lost in this hopeful fantasy when his next words made my whole body feel like it was burning in an early summer heat.

“Have you ever imagined kissing me?”