WANL Ch 18

This situation was quite awkward for Hyunjae, who was not particularly fond of getting involved with women. However, he didn’t dislike Eunji as a person, and he didn’t want to be awkward with anyone at the workplace. Luckily, it seemed that Eunji’s feelings for him weren’t too deep, so as long as he maintained some distance, they might be able to remain good friends.

As Hyunjae was lost in his thoughts, they inevitably led him back to Nanyeong.

Had Nanyeong ever shown any feelings in front of someone he truly liked?

Hyunjae was very perceptive of the romantic feelings others had toward him. That was the case until he met Nanyeong. On the other hand, Nanyeong was someone whose feelings were difficult to interpret. Whether it was due to his age or his skill at masking emotions, Hyunjae couldn’t tell.

Thinking about it, Hyunjae couldn’t help but feel a sense of jealousy at the thought of Nanyeong having been young and inexperienced once. Had he felt that way too? Had he tried to stay near someone like Yoo Jihoon, making excuses just to be by his side, and smiling brightly when they met because he was happy to see him?

It was then that Eunji tapped Hyunjae’s shoulder.

“Oppa!”

“Huh?”

“You’ve got a call. Isn’t that from Nanyeong?”

Only then did Hyunjae notice the sharp ringing sound of a phone piercing the air.

“Thanks for letting me know.”

Hyunjae took off his latex gloves and grabbed his phone. Eunji looked puzzled, as she had not heard the clear ringtone.

Hyunjae’s face stiffened the moment he looked at his phone. The caller was none other than Nanyeong.

Once again, Nanyeong had contacted him on his own accord after two weeks. Hyunjae bit his lip and immediately walked out of the kitchen.

“Where are you going?”

“I just need to make a quick call.”

Outside the shop, Hyunjae pressed the call button under the eaves.

“Hello.”

A motorcycle passed by the narrow alley with a loud buzzing sound, and Hyunjae became suddenly sensitive, worried he might miss Nanyeong’s voice due to the noise. He walked aimlessly, waiting for Nanyeong to speak.

But even after the call was connected, Nanyeong remained silent for a while. Thinking the call had dropped, Hyunjae checked the screen, only to catch a small sigh from the other end.

“What’s this about?”

After a long silence, Nanyeong finally spoke.

– You said you liked me, but you’re just spitting out lies and talking nonsense.

The first words were harsh accusations. Hyunjae paused, running his hand through his hair, his fingers freezing as he stopped.

“…Ha.”

A sigh escaped him, a mix of disbelief and frustration at himself for rushing out to answer this call.

Just as Hyunjae had been focusing on the faint sound of Nanyeong’s breathing, it seemed Nanyeong was also carefully watching Hyunjae’s persistent silence. Upon hearing his sigh, Nanyeong spoke again with sharp words.

— Just admit it. You just want to get back at me. Is it fun to play with people by pretending you like them?

“What are you trying to say?”

Hyunjae understood that Nanyeong must be confused by his contradictory actions, as he too felt a sense of self-loathing about his feelings. But Nanyeong was not in a position to criticize. Didn’t Nanyeong himself make it impossible for things to be straightforward?

“This was a deal. If you raped someone like that, isn’t it only natural to contact me to delete the photos?”

“…….”

— How can you be so disgusting… Of all people, it had to be someone like you…

The phrase “someone like you” touched Hyunjae’s raw nerve.

“Hyung, there’s something you’re misunderstanding.”

Hyunjae’s heart froze with a chilling calmness as he cut off Nanyeong’s words and replied calmly.

“It’s usually the one who needs something who makes the request.”

— ……

“The one who wanted the photos deleted was you, Hyung. So, it should have been you reaching out first.”

Where had Nanyeong gone wrong? Hyunjae suspected it was because Nanyeong had lived his life as a superior and never learned how to humble himself.

“And calling it rape—watch your words.”

Hyunjae whispered quietly, even in the silence of the street.

“If it was really rape, wouldn’t you be the one feeling it? I remember it very well… you felt it the most that night, didn’t you? The best I’ve ever seen…”

— ……

“Sorry, but I don’t know any more disgusting ways. If you want, you can hire a man who’s better at it. With the money you have, you can do anything.”

After spewing out words that were the complete opposite of what he felt, Hyunjae’s temples throbbed painfully.

Hyunjae felt disgusted by the situation. Every time he criticized someone he liked, he only ended up hurting himself more. But there was no way to take back the words he had already spoken. He pressed his large hand to his mouth and thought for a moment—was it the disgust he wanted to swallow, or was it the harsh words?

At that moment, a small voice came from the receiver.

— Okay, let’s meet.

Nanyeong’s voice had lost some of its earlier intensity. Hyunjae lowered his hand and slowly raised his head.

— Let’s meet. Let’s talk in person.

Nanyeong repeated, and his voice trembled slightly at the end. Hyunjae, unsure if he had heard correctly, tried to replay the tone of the voice in his mind multiple times.

— Did you hear me?

“Yes. I heard….”

His heart raced at the thought that he might meet Nanyeong again soon. Hyunjae hid his emotions and replied calmly.

“Got it.”

Ꮺ

The meeting place Nanyeong suggested was a hotel lounge in the heart of Seoul. From the moment he saw the building’s name, he had a feeling it would be a luxurious place.

As he entered through the revolving door, a hotel staff member approached and asked where he would like to go. The staff’s polite attitude made Hyunjae glad he had worn the clothes Nanyeong had bought him. Had he come in his usual study clothes, he might have felt small in such a grand setting.

“They said to come to the lounge…”

“Are you referring to the Sky Lounge? Please follow me.”

With the polite guidance of the staff member, Hyunjae entered the elevator a bit awkwardly. The staff member pressed the button for their destination and stood politely, hands clasped in front of him. Was it normal for them to guide guests all the way to their destination? Hyunjae felt a bit confused and stood silently, unsure of the proper etiquette. For a brief moment, being in such a confined space with a stranger felt incredibly awkward.

Once the notification of arrival chimed, the staff quickly moved toward the door and pressed the open button, bowing slightly as he spoke to Hyunjae.

“This way, please.”

“Yes… Thank you.”

Before entering the lounge, Hyunjae turned around, noticing the staff still bowing. He thought it was excessive, but as he stepped inside, he understood why the staff had behaved that way.

The wide lounge, with large windows showcasing the view of Namsan, was completely empty. Hyunjae wondered if the whole place had been rented out. In the middle of the lounge, near the window, sat Nanyeong, gazing outside. Standing still, Hyunjae let out a quiet sigh.

The staff member, who had silently approached, spoke to Hyunjae, guiding him to his seat.

“He’s waiting for you.”

With a polite bow, the staff disappeared.

Sensing the presence, Nanyeong turned toward him. Hyunjae walked toward him with slow, deliberate steps. From the entrance, he hadn’t noticed, but a man in a suit was sitting with his back turned, not far from Nanyeong. Hyunjae glanced at him briefly before sitting down.

“Did you rent the whole place?”

“Yeah.”

As soon as he set his backpack down beside him, the staff approached, asking for his drink preference. Hyunjae simply replied, “Coffee.” However, the staff continued, listing various brewing methods and types of beans, trying to accommodate his specific preferences. Hyunjae, a little flustered, tried to brush it off.

“Just… something cold.”

“Ice coffee, then?”

The staff bowed politely and disappeared without a word.

Once it was just the two of them, an awkward silence lingered.

“With a bag like that, you look like a college student.”

It was Nanyeong who spoke first.

Hyunjae glanced at his bag. The deep navy blue backpack wasn’t anything special—it was one his mother had bought cheaply at the market. He had used it since high school. Recently, as he thought about retaking the college entrance exam, he had taken the old bag out again, thinking it would be better for carrying books.

“I’m thinking of taking the college entrance exam.”

“Really?”

“I want to find a job… but being a high school graduate limits my options.”

“Tuition?”

“I’ll have to go somewhere that offers scholarships.”

Hyunjae lifted his gaze to look at Nanyeong again. Nanyeong was also dressed in a hoodie. The black hoodie he had once complimented revealed more of his neckline and thin collarbones than the suits he usually wore.

“You look like a college student too, hyung.”

At the brief comment, a small smile flickered across Nanyeong’s lips, though disbelief was evident on his face.

“Why are you still wearing the clothes I bought you?”

Hyunjae silently stared at Nanyeong in response. It occurred to him that the bag he was carrying might not match the clothes Nanyeong had bought him. Moreover, Nanyeong’s tone just now made it hard to tell whether he was mocking or dismissing him.

Hyunjae answered honestly.

“I don’t have many nice clothes.”

“…”

“You wouldn’t understand since you have money to spare, but I’ve never thrown clothes away. When they get old or torn, I use them as rags, and even then, I hold onto them for a long time. I can’t afford to be picky about who gives me things.”

“…”

“Did that bother you? Well, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Nanyeong didn’t respond and instead took a large gulp of water. Hyunjae lowered his gaze, clasping his hands together on the table.

In the meantime, a staff member approached, setting down their coffee before leaving again. Nanyeong watched the person disappear from view and only spoke again when he was confident no one else was near.

“Delete the photos.”

“…Alright.”

Hyunjae obediently pulled out his phone. He could feel Nanyeong’s gaze fixed on his fingers as he operated it. Making sure Nanyeong couldn’t see the screen, Hyunjae selected five photos.

“I’ll delete five this time.”

“Why?”

Nanyeong’s voice turned sharp. Hyunjae replied calmly.

“I’ve been too harsh on you. Last time, it was one photo per favor, but this time, I figured it was fair to adjust the rate.”

At the implication that the intensity of their encounters dictated the value of the photos, Nanyeong’s eyes twitched slightly. Ignoring the sharp glare, Hyunjae deleted the photos and put his phone back into his pocket.

“Show me properly to make sure you deleted them.”

Hyunjae’s hand hesitated momentarily. The photos he had just deleted were all of Nanyeong peacefully sleeping. If he revealed that none of them were explicit, Nanyeong might begin to suspect there were still sensitive ones remaining.

“They’re already gone. But I’ll show you this instead.”

He displayed the reduced photo count in the album. Nanyeong leaned slightly closer to get a better view, the loose neckline of his hoodie slipping down enough to reveal a glimpse of his chest. Hyunjae secretly bit the inside of his cheek, hoping Nanyeong wouldn’t meet anyone else after this.

Leaning back into his chair with a frown, Nanyeong muttered.

“Four hundred and ninety photos is too many.”

“Is it?”

“I’d like to go through them myself. Let me check how many actually need to be deleted.”

“…”

“Let’s be reasonable about this.”

Hyunjae took a sip of coffee, his expression hardening. There was no way he could show all the photos. They were full of moments he’d captured with unguarded affection. What would Nanyeong do if he realized he was being blackmailed by someone who held nothing truly incriminating?

Unbothered by Hyunjae’s tense demeanor, Nanyeong spoke again.

“Also, let’s set fixed times and places to meet. I’ll arrange the location. It can be an officetel or somewhere else you want. Is there a place you’ve always wanted to stay? Send the listing to Secretary Jung, and I’ll secure it.”

With that, Nanyeong tilted his head and gestured subtly behind him. Only then did Hyunjae realize that the person seated far away was Nanyeong’s secretary.

“Let’s just do it at my place.”

“A verified space is necessary. How do I know you’re not secretly recording things?”

The accusation hit like a dagger. But from Nanyeong’s perspective, it was a reasonable concern. With a bitter smile, Hyunjae retorted sarcastically.

“I can’t argue since I was the one who did something untrustworthy first. I won’t do anything like that again, so if you’re really worried, go ahead and search my place if you want.”

“Forget that—just move out instead.”

“I don’t want to make a fuss over something we’re not even dating for. It’s just sex, after all.”

“That’s exactly why I don’t want to do it in that shabby house of yours.”

Their hostile gazes clashed fiercely in the air. Hyunjae, his expression unreadable, stared at Nanyeong and finally spoke.

“You’re right. I am shabby.”

“…”

“I know that too. The place I live, my education, no—me as a person. I’m not on your level.”

At his words, Nanyeong’s gaze grew even colder. Hyunjae must have hit a nerve with his truth.

Still, there was no way he could concede. He didn’t want to. Even now, Nanyeong was maneuvering to maintain the upper hand, subtly reasserting his position of power under the guise of making suggestions. If Hyunjae gave in bit by bit, he would inevitably find himself dragged along in the same manner as before. Loving him meant he’d always be in the weaker position, so the only defense he had was to refuse outright.

“Come to my place. Whether you like it or not, that’s not something I need to consider. If you’re worried about illegal recordings, feel free to search the house.”

“…”

“And as for the photos, I can’t show you. There’s nothing in it for me, so there’s no reason for me to agree. You know that too, don’t you?”

The atmosphere around Nanyeong grew heavier, almost tangible. The gaze he fixed on Hyunjae was cold and carried a hint of disdain. In the end, Hyunjae was the first to look away.

“Hyung, I…”

He fidgeted with his glass, the condensation seeping into his dry palm.

“No matter what I do, I can never reach your level.”

“…”

“But you can come down to mine.”

In some ways, it was a declaration of intent to drag him down. Perhaps Nanyeong understood the underlying message, as he stared at Hyunjae with a blank expression. Unable to decipher his poker face, Hyunjae felt a moment of genuine fear.

“…Hah.”

Nanyeong suddenly turned to look out the window, letting out a long sigh. Hyunjae hesitated, his hand faltering mid-motion as he observed the side of Nanyeong’s face. In that moment, stripped of his usual sharpness, Nanyeong looked unbearably desolate.

Still gazing out the window, Nanyeong murmured,

“Do you like me… or do you just want to crush me?”

It was a piercing question. Hyunjae froze, his hand holding the glass halted mid-air.

“The reason I asked about the photos… If making me miserable is your goal, the number wouldn’t matter. As long as it eases your resentment, even once would be enough, right?”

With a faintly cracked expression, Nanyeong muttered under his breath. Outside, the autumn leaves had passed their peak, leaving bare branches exposed as fallen leaves blanketed the ground.

“Hyung, I…”

Hyunjae swallowed hard and spoke with difficulty. Though it was a confession he was accustomed to, at that moment, the words felt heavier than ever.

“Of course I like you.”

“…”

“How could I forget? You’re my first love.”

At those words, Nanyeong slowly turned to face Hyunjae. He stared at him, motionless, as if frozen in time.

Ꮺ

How could I forget? You’re my first love.

Hyunjae’s eyes glimmered strangely when he said those words, so clear it was almost unsettling. For a long while, Nanyeong pondered whether that glimmer was tears.

Hyunjae was already gone. Left alone in the lounge, Nanyeong turned his gaze back to the window. The glass faintly reflected his own image—a figure draped in a black hoodie that now looked unbearably shabby. The outfit he’d chosen to make a good impression on Hyunjae didn’t suit him at all.

First love. Hyunjae still called him that. Despite having every reason to reject even the idea of love due to his resentment, Hyunjae hadn’t.

Just as that sweet phrase threatened to soften his heart, Hyunjae’s expressionless words echoed in his mind:

“You feel the same, don’t you, hyung?”

“…”

“Hyung, you said your first love lasted 15 years, right?”

“…”

“Then, will mine last 15 years too?”

The depth of Hyunjae’s dark, hollow eyes slowly pulled Nanyeong’s heart down with them. For Hyunjae, love was no longer a sweet emotion. Just as Nanyeong’s long-unrequited love had been, it seemed that for him, love had turned into a personal hell.

“You think 490 photos are a lot, but no, I think it’s nowhere near enough to erase 15 years.”

“…”

“If I can offer you one piece of advice: don’t let it show that being with me feels like hell. If you do, I might just want to be even crueler.”

With that, Hyunjae turned his back coldly and walked away. In those final moments, he barely even looked Nanyeong in the eye.

Nanyeong slowly lowered his head. The negotiation had fallen apart.

It felt almost absurd how quickly he thought of Hyunjae again upon waking from a long sleep, despite swearing he never wanted to see him again. Nanyeong spent countless nights tormented by Hyunjae’s cutting words and actions, unable to sleep without the aid of sleeping pills for two weeks. He was even afraid to drink, worried that he might seek out Hyunjae in a drunken haze.

Yet, somehow, he found himself contemplating ways to meet Hyunjae again, sober. Even though he knew seeing him was poison, oddly enough, the mere act of planning to contact him or see him lifted his spirits.

The truth was, Nanyeong had all the cards in his hand. Hyunjae was only twenty-one years old. Taking legal action to set an example and erase all the incriminating footage wouldn’t have been difficult. But why had he taken no action at all? Deep down, Nanyeong knew the answer.

Because now, he was afraid of Hyunjae.

This fear, tinged with shame, wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling. Nanyeong knew all too well the sensation of growing wary of someone he once treated casually.

When you start to care about the other person’s feelings.

When you want to match yourself to their standards and grant their every wish.

When you begin to despise the parts of yourself that don’t align with their ideals…

An ominous unease slowly spread through his chest. Love was a completely fruitless emotion.

That’s why Nanyeong swore he would never, ever, fall into the dreadful addiction of love again.