WANL Ch 8

At those words, Nanyeong stared intently at Hyunjae. Strangely, Hyunjae felt that Nanyeong was a little unsettled as well. Though Nanyeong was skilled at hiding his emotions and didn’t show it outwardly, Hyunjae couldn’t quite pinpoint why he felt that way.

“It’s not anything else. I just want to sort things out properly again.”

Then, out of nowhere, Nanyeong pulled a small envelope from his coat. It seemed like something he had prepared in advance.

“I’m not sure if it’ll be enough.”

As Hyunjae opened the thick envelope and began pulling out its contents, his hands froze the moment he spotted the bright yellow paper. Bundles of crisp 50,000-won bills spilled out. Nanyeong, who had just taken off his suit jacket, gestured with his chin.

“Count it.”

“Hyung, I…”

Hyunjae’s hand, which had stopped mid-motion, trembled slightly. Trying to hide the shaking, he slowly set the envelope down and clasped his hands together.

This misunderstanding was too much to bear.

His fists clenched involuntarily.

“Why… this kind of thing…”

“…”

A low voice spilled out of Hyunjae’s mouth. The moment he sensed the emotions tinged in his tone, he felt defeated. There was no way Nanyeong hadn’t noticed his reaction. A mixture of shock, anger, and a hollow sense of betrayal surged all at once.

If it were only about postponing their relationship, Hyunjae could have endured it. No matter how much Nanyeong toyed with him, everything until now had fallen within the realm of emotions Hyunjae could rationalize—push-and-pull dynamics of a relationship.

It would’ve been enough if his only concern at night was, What does this man, Nanyeong, really think of me?

Sensing Hyunjae’s emotions, Nanyeong let out a small sigh.

Rolling up the sleeves of his shirt, he sat down on the sofa. The heavy watch on his pale wrist gleamed, different from the one he had tossed to Hyunjae last time.

“I understand that what happened last time must’ve been a shock for you. But try to see it from my perspective. When I went to your house… honestly, you didn’t look like you were doing well. I knew you worked a lot of part-time jobs, but I didn’t realize it was that bad. I was surprised too. And you hardly ever talked about yourself, did you?”

“…”

“If I had known, I would’ve done this from the start. Now that I understand your situation, it doesn’t feel right to just turn a blind eye. Don’t you think so?”

It was hard to tolerate the logic that if he had known Hyunjae’s circumstances earlier, he would’ve acted this way from the beginning. Nanyeong’s attitude of treating their relationship as though it were an equation with no room for emotions was disappointing.

Hyunjae shook his head. No matter how prettily he dressed it up, this was nothing more than payment for services rendered.

“Take it, Hyunjae. And… don’t ignore my calls anymore.”

“Do you want to keep seeing me?”

“Yes.”

Nanyeong nodded.

“I don’t want to. Don’t do this anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

Hyunjae threw the envelope at his chest. Nanyeong’s eyes widened at the rude gesture. Before Hyunjae could take more than a few steps away, Nanyeong jumped to his feet. When he grabbed Hyunjae’s wrist, Hyunjae jerked away, snapping angrily.

“I don’t ever want to see you again.”

“Hyunjae, wait. Why are you acting like this? Sit down, let’s talk.”

Hyunjae turned to glare at him.

“Don’t you understand when I say it’s over? I’m breaking up with you.”

“Breaking up?”

“Yeah. Now that I think about it, my words are funny, aren’t they? We weren’t even in a real relationship.”

“…”

“No one even knows we met, so I’ll just quietly leave on my own.”

At those words, Nanyeong’s throat bobbed as if he wanted to say something but held it back.

“You pay me money, and in exchange, we keep sleeping together.”

With every word, Hyunjae’s chest burned hotter. He bit the inside of his lip hard and continued.

“If that’s how it goes, then… how is this any different from a transaction?”

At the word “transaction,” Nanyeong’s expression changed instantly.

“Why do you have to take it that way?”

It was Hyunjae, not Nanyeong, who was more shocked by the latter’s twisted words.

“I don’t understand. You have nothing to lose here. Am I proposing something that puts you at a disadvantage? Are you in a relationship? No, right? I even checked. You’re not seeing anyone else. So why are you rejecting this for no reason at all…?”

“What do you mean you checked?”

When Hyunjae asked, Nanyeong fell silent. Did he really investigate whether Hyunjae was seeing someone else? Hyunjae let out a breath of disbelief.

“I see. So this isn’t enough, is it?”

Saying that, Nanyeong stepped back and collapsed onto the sofa. He tilted his head back, ran a hand through his hair, and let out a long sigh. Then, he pulled out a fountain pen from his pocket and started writing something down.

“If you have any demands, write them here. Anything written down will be fulfilled, no exceptions.”

Hyunjae felt as if something deep inside him twisted violently.

“Why can’t you just take my words at face value? I don’t want to sell myself!”

It felt as if his eyelids were burning black. He was so angry that his entire body was trembling.

How did I end up liking someone like this? How did I get fooled by that polished exterior…?

Overwhelmed by a sudden surge of indignation, Hyunjae glared at Nanyeong, who looked up at him in surprise.

After staring at Hyunjae for a long moment, Nanyeong finally spoke.

“Hyunjae, I still don’t want to lose you.”

“…”

“It’s not that I don’t understand why you’re upset.”

“You don’t understand, Hyung…!”

Ignoring Hyunjae’s words, Nanyeong shook his head decisively and tucked the fountain pen back into his pocket.

“Don’t act foolishly over feelings like love.”

It felt like his heart plummeted.

“We made a promise, didn’t we? Not to let emotions get involved. You even told me yourself—don’t misunderstand.”

“…”

“You’re not going to tell me you’ve changed your mind, are you?”

At that moment, Hyunjae realized everything. Nanyeong knew exactly how he felt but pretended not to.

He had drawn a clear line on purpose. Every fleeting moment when Hyunjae had let his feelings slip, Nanyeong must have seen it all.

On the bed, during a passing kiss, in the car when Hyunjae’s gaze lingered on him—all the ordinary love Hyunjae spilled out couldn’t have escaped him. Hyunjae also recalled the strange chill in Nanyeong’s demeanor whenever things didn’t go the way he wanted in this relationship.

“And you’ll need money.”

“…”

“It’s not like you can avoid taking it, is it?”

At that moment, Hyunjae felt utterly defeated. Even having his run-down home discovered by someone he liked had hurt him deeply. Now, all he could do was flee.

“You’ll want to take it.”

With lips drained of color, Hyunjae lowered his head and muttered.

“I’m leaving.”

“I’ll wait for your call.”

Nanyeong’s voice rang out clearly as Hyunjae turned his back.

The door closed.

Ꮺ

By the time Hyunjae left the building and wandered aimlessly down the street, silent tears were streaming down his cheeks.

Passersby who crossed his path occasionally glanced at his face. Upon noticing the tears glistening on the handsome man’s sorrowful expression, they quickly looked away, startled. Most people, when witnessing another’s sadness, chose to feign ignorance and quickened their pace.

Thanks to this unspoken courtesy, Hyunjae was able to walk down the busy street and cry his heart out alone.

A sense of defeat unlike anything he’d ever experienced wrapped around him. The earlier conversation had been excruciating. Never before had he raised his voice at someone else. To someone he liked, he’d especially wanted to speak gently.

If he had been allowed, he would have loved to speak of love. Instead of being caught off guard, unable to say a word, and pushed away before he could even begin… Even now, he thought of how it might have been better to confess his feelings, even just once, and hated himself for it.

Now, he knew for certain. Nanyeong would never define their relationship.

But continuing this nameless connection was likely Nanyeong’s true intention.

That’s how it is. With a few bucks that aren’t particularly missed whether they’re there or not, it’s convenient to satisfy one’s desires.

At this point, I begin to question my own heart. Knowing everything, why do I still want to confess, to have my feelings acknowledged, and to gain the status of being his lover by his side?

Am I abnormal?

Hyunjae was confused.

The utterly normal desire to be with someone you like was trampled before Nanyeong. The idea of exchanging envelopes of cash and making promises in writing—was that the norm in Nanyeong’s world? The world of Nanyeong, once admired for its rich experiences and refined tastes, was now twisting before his eyes. The past self that once wanted to be a part of that world now felt foolish.

Hyunjae bowed his head and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. Though his damp cheeks had dried in the wind, his sleeve darkened with moisture, as if the tears clinging to his eyes still lingered.

That elegance was just a shell. Inside, he might be just as twisted as the world he belonged to.

‘Even so, I still like him…’

It was irresistible.

Unfortunately, Hyunjae was still twenty-one. For a lonely and poor young man, it didn’t take long to give his heart to someone with whom he shared warmth.

Perhaps this was destined the moment he handed over his number instead of scolding the unpleasant man who bluntly said he wanted to sleep with him. No matter how rudely Nanyeong had intruded into Hyunjae’s life. Especially when it was someone like Nanyeong, for whom there was no reason not to be drawn to.

The eyes of Nanyeong, staring directly at him in the end, and even that cold expression were already missed. The fact that he still liked him made Hyunjae feel so pathetic that the tears wouldn’t stop.

Ꮺ

Seongwoo received a call from Hyunjae. It was a drunken voice.

“What’s going on all of a sudden? Have you been drinking?”

The junior, who rarely drank because he found the expense wasteful, calling like this piqued Seongwoo’s curiosity enough to sit up straight. What Hyunjae revealed was a story related to the older office worker he had mentioned only once before, then never again.

Honestly, Seongwoo had thought by now they’d either be dating or done with each other, so this came as a surprise. If their relationship was still dragging on, wasn’t the conclusion already obvious?

That’s when Hyunjae spoke.

― She offered me money. But it’s a significant amount.

Even drunk, Hyunjae calmly explained the situation. Listening, Seongwoo’s expression grew increasingly complicated.

‘She doesn’t want to date me. You were right, hyung.’

― Then what does that make us?

“What else? She’s a sponsor, and you’re a gigolo.”

Having grasped the situation, Seongwoo deliberately gave a light response, trying not to take the absurd situation too seriously. Hyunjae didn’t affirm or deny the blunt answer. Instead, he chuckled softly. Seongwoo wondered if his junior had gone mad with delight at being offered money and simply kept listening.

“Hyunjae, I understand you’re taken aback, but honestly, here’s my opinion. What’s the big deal? I always thought something would happen because of your looks. I just didn’t think it’d be something this dramatic.”

― But if there’s a transaction between us, I think I’ll feel like an object rather than a romantic partner.

“Nowadays, even couples help each other out financially when one’s studying for exams or job hunting. Just think of it like that…”

― We’re not a couple.

“……”

― I wish we were…

Hyunjae slowly and foolishly expressed his true feelings. Seongwoo sighed and listened to his junior’s drunken ramblings. The last time they had talked about this, Hyunjae was confident the other party was more invested in him. But his gut feeling had been wrong. It was the opposite.

‘I knew this would happen,’ Seongwoo thought. He didn’t know what that office worker’s intentions were, but Hyunjae was clearly deeply shaken. A lonely guy who rarely saw friends because of that hyung, and not particularly calculating by nature. No wonder his heart softened so quickly in this kind of situation.

― She knows about my situation. She looked right at me and said I’d want the money. It felt humiliating.

“……”

― I want to see her because I like her, but I hate being misunderstood as meeting her for money.

Seongwoo understood the rejection Hyunjae, with his upright and somewhat innocent nature, felt. At the same time, he was angry at the man who had knowingly pushed Hyunjae into this situation.

“How did you end up tangled with someone so tacky? Ugh, can’t a person have both decency and wealth…”

Seongwoo spoke self-deprecatingly, and Hyunjae didn’t refute it, though he offered a bitter smile. Unlike before, when he would get emotional whenever someone spoke ill of her, it seemed that Hyunjae now understood the woman’s true nature.

“Hyunjae, I know. You’re a good guy. Doing this doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly change as a person. So don’t feel guilty. If you like her, see her, and if she gives you money, take it. From what I see, she’s using you too.”

Despite Seongwoo’s persuasion, Hyunjae remained silent. Every sigh over the phone seemed to carry a whiff of alcohol.

Before hanging up, Hyunjae asked,

― You always told me, didn’t you, that because I’m a good guy, if I keep living diligently, something good will eventually happen?

“I did.”

― Is this a good thing too?

Seongwoo furrowed his brow. It wasn’t an easy question to answer.

With a polite “I’ll hang up now, sleep well,” the call ended.

Ꮺ

“You’ll need money. You’re in a situation where you can’t not take it, right?”

The reason Nanyeong’s words felt so humiliating was because they were true.

Emotions offered no help when it came to the matter of survival. For now, what sustained Hyunjae was not sweet dreams of a future with Nanyeong but the cash that could cover his mother’s hospital bills.

Hyunjae had never once used the taxi fare Nanyeong gave him for an actual taxi ride. He would carefully save the fifty-thousand-won bills and use them to buy food and daily necessities.

After counting the remaining cash, Hyunjae went grocery shopping for the first time in a while. His mother busied herself in the kitchen, rummaging through the items he had bought.

“Leave it. I’ll do it.”

“Hyunjae, why’d you buy beef? You know I don’t like beef…”

“I got paid today. I bought it because I wanted to eat it.”

Hyunjae knew his mother’s claim of disliking beef was just a habitual remark. So he simply smiled as he watched her start washing the leafy vegetables after rifling through the bag of meat.

His mother, who used to be slim to the point of frailty when he was young, now had a swollen body from years of illness. She had suffered from leukemia and, as a side effect of the chemotherapy, had to undergo dialysis. Afterward, she faced various complications.

To make things worse, the cancer, which they thought had disappeared, had returned.

What saddened Hyunjae the most was the chronic sense of helplessness. These days, whenever his mother said she was in pain, his first thoughts were not of concern about her illness but about the enormous costs and caregiving demands that would come with more treatment. Sometimes, it felt as though poverty stripped away even one’s humanity, leaving him in despair.

“Mom, is the meat good?”

“Yes, it’s fine, since it’s been a while.”

“Eat a lot of vegetables too.”

Pushing the plate toward his mother on the cramped table, Hyunjae suppressed the selfishness rising within him.

After his mother had fallen asleep, Hyunjae lay in the darkened house, thinking about Nanyeong’s proposal. Sleep eluded him. The dim light of a convenience store sign outside seeped through the window, piercing his retina. The house smelled of meat fat, and refrigerator magnets were plastered with flyers. His mother’s dry cough echoed intermittently.

Somehow, his body, now accustomed to the comfort of Nanyeong’s luxurious studio apartment, found the squalor of this rental house uncomfortable.

Hyunjae wondered if he was the kind of person who could trade sex for money. The thought left him feeling strangely distant. His friends had once jokingly envied his good looks, saying, “You’ll benefit from that face someday,” but even back then, he’d never imagined his future turning out this way.

The descent of life wasn’t particularly dramatic. Perhaps that dullness led to a moral numbness that made him think, “It’ll be okay.”

Unable to sleep, his thoughts inevitably circled back to Nanyeong.

Had it always been like this?

Had he ever truly loved or experienced genuine romance?

What was he doing now?

As he closed his eyes, Hyunjae imagined himself lying beside Nanyeong.

Longing for the past when he had unknowingly been immersed in the life Nanyeong had orchestrated.