WANL Ch 20

Despite seeing his distorted face, Hyunjae didn’t stop.

“I’m curious. Did you watch that show too? The one where someone broadcasted a story about being confessed to by someone of the same sex, making it sound like a joke for the whole nation to hear. How did you feel about it? I was wondering if even someone like you gets hurt by things like that. Can you even cry?”

Nanyeong, who had been staring blankly at Hyunjae, let out a small laugh. His expression suggested Hyunjae’s barbed words weren’t even worth entertaining.

“Go ahead, rant. If it’ll make you feel better, do it.”

As Nanyeong dismissed him with an air of indifference, Hyunjae felt a surge of frustration. The thought that he was the only one throwing himself against Nanyeong like this filled him with a mix of self-loathing and fury.

“This alone isn’t going to make me feel better.”

Hyunjae stared directly at Nanyeong as he spoke.

“Then what will?”

“Tell me everything. In detail. I want to know how miserable you were. Did you cry too?”

“Yeah, I cried because I got dumped.”

“How much? How? Like a kid?”

“I was even more pathetic than a kid.”

“Did you really like them that much?”

“I confessed like my life depended on it. It wasn’t just some casual crush.”

Hyunjae glared at Nanyeong. He felt as if he’d fallen into a trap of his own making. Just as he had once loved intensely, it seemed Nanyeong had also loved someone deeply. Hyunjae realized that hearing Nanyeong’s honest answer hurt him more than anything else. Even without alcohol, his eyes burned with emotion.

For a moment, the two stood there, facing each other in tense silence.

It was Nanyeong who lowered his gaze first. His unstyled hair fell softly beside his face, giving him a youthful look. Even the simple tilt of his head caused Hyunjae’s heart to flutter helplessly. Once again, he found himself thinking that Nanyeong was beautiful.

Nanyeong’s full lips moved.

“It’s all in the past now.”

“…”

“I regret it. If I could go back, I’d never confess. No, I wouldn’t even fall in love with anyone. It was a foolish dream. I’ll never get to live with someone I truly want to be with, anyway.”

“…”

“I’ll never love again.”

His murmured words, almost as if he were talking to himself, tightened a grip around Hyunjae’s heart. It felt as if Nanyeong had indirectly declared the death of Hyunjae’s unrequited love.

Nanyeong raised his head, meeting Hyunjae’s eyes directly. His piercing gaze made Hyunjae’s throat tighten as he involuntarily swallowed hard.

“Hyunjae. You said you liked me, didn’t you? At the same time, you want to humiliate and insult me, don’t you? Do you know why I avoided you for months? I was scared. Who wouldn’t be afraid when someone holds a grudge and vows to get revenge on them?”

“…”

“Still, I guess I have to take responsibility… I’m ready now.”

“…”

“Go ahead. Do whatever you want.”

As he spoke, Nanyeong began unbuttoning his shirt.

“Use me however you like. Every part of me. I’ve even practiced oral.”

His indifferent tone scraped at the pit of Hyunjae’s stomach. Hyunjae clenched his fists so tightly that his nails dug into his palms. It was the only way to keep the mask on his face intact. If he wasn’t careful, he feared he would crumble first. He bit down on his lip.

This was everything Hyunjae had planned. A vile scheme to bind Nanyeong with photos and manipulation. Outwardly, Nanyeong seemed resigned, as though he was willing to go along with anything Hyunjae demanded.

But now, Hyunjae was certain. This was not what he wanted. He didn’t want to trap Nanyeong’s body out of desperation. He didn’t want Nanyeong to stay with him out of resignation.

What he truly wanted was to be loved as himself, Jung Hyunjae. At the sudden surge of this raw, fervent desire, an overwhelming sadness enveloped him.

“What are you doing? I said, let’s do it.”

Finding Hyunjae’s silence odd, Nanyeong stood up and approached him. Without thinking, Hyunjae took a step back. In doing so, he might have inadvertently revealed the fear he had been trying so hard to hide.

But as if he had anticipated even this, Nanyeong reached out and wrapped his cold, slender fingers around the back of Hyunjae’s neck. The sensation of his lips brushing against Hyunjae’s made him instinctively close his eyes.

Nanyeong adjusted the angle, softly nibbling on Hyunjae’s lower lip, sending shivers down his spine. It felt like a kiss shared between lovers.

“Haah….”

Hyunjae exhaled a trembling breath, his lips quivering. Nanyeong’s forehead gently touched his. The moment they touched, Hyunjae realized how much he had longed for this. His arms, stiff as stone, couldn’t push Nanyeong away despite his will.

I’ll never fall in love again.

Nanyeong’s voice echoed in his ears once more.

This is all an act.

This skilled man couldn’t possibly be unaware of my weakness.

The moment that thought crossed his mind, Hyunjae finally moved his arms. Nanyeong’s tongue slipped into his lips. The eerily soft tongue intertwined with his, making Hyunjae’s eyelashes flutter. Realizing that Hyunjae was pushing him away, Nanyeong placed one hand on the back of his neck and the other on his cheek, pressing close. Hyunjae’s trembling hand slowly rose and touched the back of Nanyeong’s head.

In an instant, the hand that seemed to accept the kiss grabbed his hair.

“Ah!”

Nanyeong grimaced at the pain in his scalp and finally pulled away. The moment their eyes met, Hyunjae turned his head, fearing his own fear would be exposed. He pointlessly wiped his wet lips with his sleeve.

“This is also violence,” Nanyeong said, incredulous. Hyunjae muttered, averting his gaze.

“Then what you did was sexual harassment. I didn’t want to….”

“Isn’t that quite a reaction for sexual harassment?”

Nanyeong pointed to Hyunjae’s crotch. The ridiculously bulging front was already feeling constrained within the jeans. The clear outline of his excited member extended down to the pocket, and Nanyeong stared at it openly.

“You’re hard. Why didn’t you say so earlier?”

“…….”

“Why can’t you be honest? You want to have sex with me, don’t you?”

Nanyeong tilted his head slightly, genuinely puzzled.

“If it’s a matter of pride, then keep denying it. I won’t seek confirmation anymore.”

“…….”

“Just stay still.”

Nanyeong’s next action deeply unsettled Hyunjae. He knelt down. Neatly. And then he began something far from neat.

The sound of the zipper going down echoed unusually loud. Hyunjae truly did not want to have sex with him right now. But Nanyeong was focused only on undoing the belt.

“Don’t do this.”

“Don’t act like you’re over me.”

“Do you think there’s any affection left?”

However, instead of answering Hyunjae’s words, Nanyeong focused on his actions. With his long, white fingers, he supported not just the shaft but also the scrotum, then slowly stroked and fondled the shaft with both hands. His eyes, knowing he was about to take it in his mouth, and the small gesture of licking his lips made it seem like he was savoring the moment.

“So what if the affection is gone? You like this.”

Nanyeong smiled hazily, looking at the throbbing veins on the erect shaft. His characteristic pink lips, with the upper lip slightly protruding, gently bit the tip of the shaft. Hyunjae silently swallowed.

Lick…smack

The shy gesture of sticking out his tongue and licking, and the expression of savoring it with closed eyes, was unfamiliar. Last time, he had been so embarrassed by the forced fellatio. Despite his pride, there was no way he would want to do the same thing again, yet Nanyeong acted as if he had missed this greatly.

Hyunjae remembered that Nanyeong, who had asked a stranger to have sex with him, was rather inexperienced. Nanyeong was always familiar with receiving and was always meticulous in his pleasure techniques. However, despite his inexperience, he always reacted honestly, which made him a good match for Hyunjae, who was always thirsty for his body.

“Ugh…. haah”

Nanyeong opened his throat and took Hyunjae deep inside. Hyunjae let out a low moan and leaned against the wall.

The sensation of invading the soft, textured flesh, unlike his smooth and tight back entrance, was hard to resist. As the soft inner flesh parted, the pressure of the throat was felt instantly. Every time Nanyeong, who had a weak stomach, suppressed his gag reflex, the intense pressure around the shaft felt brutally strong.

“Haah, huh, haah….”

Hyunjae breathed heavily, his eyes blurry as he looked at Nanyeong. His eyelashes fluttered once and slowly opened. With half-open eyes, Nanyeong wrapped his arms around Hyunjae’s legs and held him tightly. As he grabbed his buttocks and pulled him closer, Hyunjae bit his lip, staggering.

The only thing he could do was grip Nanyeong’s hair tightly, trying not to hurt him.

“Hua….”

Nanyeong licked his lips, covered in saliva, and panted. Even as he coughed slightly, he didn’t stop stroking the slippery, saliva-covered shaft with his hand. He even rubbed his lips and cheeks against the veined areas. His attitude, as if yearning for a man’s cock, made Hyunjae’s head spin.

“Doing this… where did you learn it….”

Nanyeong asked with a dazed look, his voice filled with excitement. “Do you like it?”

“How did you practice this?”

“I asked something else. There wasn’t anyone as big as yours.”

Nanyeong’s words made the back of his neck to the top of his head stiffen. Reading the emotional gaze, Nanyeong smiled and asked, “Are you jealous?”

“…….”

“You’re jealous, aren’t you?”

Nanyeong, who had been chuckling, suddenly burst into laughter. The arrogant attitude, even while kneeling in front of him, left him speechless.

“I learn everything quickly. How is it, useful?”

At those words, Hyunjae spat out emotionally, “You’re like a prostitute.”

Nanyeong smiled meaningfully.

“If you make me your prostitute, isn’t it to your advantage?”

Hyunjae was disappointed again by Nanyeong’s calm response. The words meant to hurt him only ended up hurting himself.

“Think of it as giving and taking. Just as I made you my mistress, you can use me the same way.”

“…….”

“Then everything will be settled, right?”

Nanyeong whispered, his cheek pressed against the heated shaft. At that sight, Hyunjae closed his eyes tightly.

I want to make you my lover, not my prostitute.

Despite his resolve not to let his emotions show, he couldn’t maintain his composure in front of Nanyeong. In this game where he was never at an advantage, Nanyeong always came out on top. To win, he must never let his feelings be known, but perhaps it’s because I’m the only one who truly desires you.

“No.”

Hyunjae pushed Nanyeong away, his voice trembling softly. He pulled up his pants and spoke with his head bowed, trying his best to keep his emotions in check. But at this moment, it didn’t work. It was always like this when he spoke his true feelings.

“What I want isn’t that.”

“…Then?”

“…I want you to be unable to live without me.”

In the silence, Hyunjae was quietly sniffling. The usually talkative Nanyeong was silent at this moment, which scared him. Still, Hyunjae continued with difficulty.

“I want you to want to keep me by your side forever. Even after our deal ends, I want you to miss me continuously. Ever since I found out you could have a crush on someone for fifteen years….”

“…….”

“I keep imagining you loving me.”

Even if he put himself in Nanyeong’s shoes, there was no reason for Nanyeong to like him. Still, Hyunjae sometimes dreamed of the impossible. He wished for a fairy to appear from somewhere, cast a spell on Nanyeong, and blind his eyes.

“Even knowing it’s impossible….”

“That’s impossible.”

The words came out simultaneously. Hyunjae looked up at Nanyeong with trembling eyes. He had a slight sneer on his face as he scoffed.

“Hang yourself and ask to be loved? Do that horrible thing again?”

“…….”

“That was the most unnecessary thing in my life. Same for you. Both of us are wasting time and ruining our lives.”

The hard-won truth was trampled on again. Knowing it was true, he despaired at Nanyeong’s attitude once more.

The humiliation of bearing his soul made his sincerity feel shameful. Simultaneously, he was disappointed once again by the unchanging Nanyeong. Hyunjae covered his face with his large hand, pressing down on his trembling eyelids. Then he grabbed Nanyeong by the nape of his neck and lifted him up.

“Ah!”

To avoid being choked, Nanyeong hurriedly stood up and clung to Hyunjae’s neck. Hyunjae, who had been glaring at him with his head bowed, couldn’t resist his desire and kissed Nanyeong roughly. The irony was that the first thing he did when he wanted to be cruel to him was kiss him.

“Mm, huh… ugh, haah, haah”

Every time Nanyeong ran out of breath, he turned his head away. His knees buckled whenever his sensitive palate was touched. As Nanyeong turned his head away to breathe, Hyunjae grabbed his cheek so hard it left an indentation. Forcing his mouth open, he sucked on the tongue that spat out harsh words.

“Haah, ugh…. hee…eek.”

Nanyeong’s breathing sounded strange. Lost in stealing his lips, Hyunjae realized he was almost choking Nanyeong. He could feel the pulsating carotid artery under his thumb.

“Huh, haak….”

When Hyunjae threw off the nape of his neck, Nanyeong stumbled and fell to the floor. Hyunjae, silently shedding tears, climbed on top of Nanyeong in the narrow kitchen. Pinning down Nanyeong’s shoulder to the floor, he hurriedly removed his shirt before even unbuttoning it. Biting and gnawing at the exposed shoulder, Nanyeong let out a faint moan.

“Huh….”

Swallowing his sobs, Hyunjae tore off the rest of the buttons. As he ripped them off, buttons scattered everywhere. Burying his face in the white nape, Hyunjae sucked on his skin without caring about leaving marks. No matter how much he sucked, his throat felt dry.

“Mm, ugh….”

Nanyeong, who was sensitive around his neck, was already intoxicated by the sensation, murmuring and ruffling Hyunjae’s hair. Glaring at him, Hyunjae forcefully pulled down Nanyeong’s pants, which fit perfectly around his slender legs. When the white buttocks were finally exposed, Hyunjae flipped Nanyeong over without even fully removing his pants.

“Ah, wait…!”

Caught off guard by the neck-sucking, Nanyeong was now defenselessly exposing his backside. By this time, Hyunjae’s face was already tear-streaked. Not wanting to show his disheveled face, he pressed Nanyeong’s back even harder.

Pulling down the pants forcefully to fully expose the white buttocks, the subtle curves from the lower buttocks to the thighs aroused a sadistic urge. After staring at the cleft for a moment, Hyunjae mercilessly grabbed the small buttocks with his large hand and spread them apart. A small, pink hole was revealed.

“Huh….”

Startled by the sudden exposure to the cold air, Nanyeong struggled and lifted his head. Pressing his back to the floor, Hyunjae rubbed Nanyeong’s hole with his thumb.

“Ah!”

“That’s right. Just do what you usually do.”

Love, my ass.

Hyunjae’s voice came out tightly. He was forcing himself to hold back his crying, making his throat tight. Fortunately, it wasn’t too noticeable.

“You like this kind of sex, don’t you?”

Then, aligning his erect glans with Nanyeong’s hole, he thrust it in. The sudden entry made Nanyeong’s hole tighten.

“Huh….”

The saliva Nanyeong had provided had already dried up, making the entry difficult. Hyunjae used one hand to spread Nanyeong’s cheeks wide and the other to force his thick shaft inside.

The entrance, slightly damp with sweat, was almost dry. When he pushed in the thickest part of the glans, Nanyeong couldn’t even let out a proper moan. He was panting intermittently, his arms clutching the floor meaninglessly.

“Huh, ugh… ah… it hurts.”

Nanyeong barely spoke in a thin voice mixed with heavy breathing. The sound of his suffering was pleasing to hear. Hyunjae did not stop the cruel entry, forcing his way into the tight crevice. The squeezing force was intense, but he did not ask Nanyeong to relax or sweetly comfort him.

Eventually, he felt something tear inside the delicate membrane. Hyunjae’s temples were also beaded with sweat, his lips tightly clenched. With the back torn, the entry became smoother. Grabbing Nanyeong’s shoulder as he instinctively scrambled forward on the floor, Hyunjae thrust his hips.

Thud! The sound of his scrotum and perineum slapping together echoed. When he buried himself to the hilt, Nanyeong had a slight convulsion and panted heavily. His back was already drenched in sweat, revealing the muscles underneath the white shirt. From the deeply indented spine to the lower back, the muscles were tightly clenched. No wonder it tore.

“Huh, huh….”

Hyunjae wiped the sweat-soaked eyelashes with the back of his hand. Forcing his way into the unprepared entrance required tremendous force. As he pulled his hips back, his cock scraped the inner walls, eliciting a weak moan from Nanyeong.

“It hurts… ah, it hurts….”

The sound was pleasing yet heart-wrenching. Hyunjae wanted to kiss his sweat-soaked hair and comfort him, but he also wanted to be ruthless. Ignoring his inner turmoil, Hyunjae thrust deeply into Nanyeong’s entrance with a wet, slapping sound. The ease of movement made him look down, revealing a shallow, reddish tint of blood.

“Huh, haah… ugh….”

“If you can’t take it, beg. Beg me to be gentle, to treat you like a lover.”

“Huh, ugh….”

“Beg me to make love to you.”

Nanyeong shook his head weakly. He clearly had no intention of crying or pleading pitifully.

“Ah….”

Suddenly, Nanyeong did something completely unexpected. With trembling wrists, he supported himself on the floor and lifted his hips. He positioned himself to make the penetration easier.

“Why… did you stop?”

“What?”

“Don’t… stop. Keep fucking me.”

His voice, though weak, commanded Hyunjae. Hyunjae’s eyes darkened. If he had truly disrespected himself, saying he was selling his body for money… then at least Hyunjae could have thought, “You’re still the same,” and felt some relief. But Nanyeong, even in this state, was challenging him.

Thud! The sound echoed as Hyunjae thrust deeply to the root. The intense penetration was almost violent, causing Nanyeong’s body to lurch forward.

“Do you like this?”

“Ugh! Ah, yes… I like it….”

“You like it? Really? Even like this, huh….”

“Ugh, huh… I like it, I like it…!”

This is the worst. Feeling lust while taking him in a way he didn’t want made Hyunjae feel like an animal. His breath, as he repeated the violent thrusts, sounded like sobs. Shaking his head to deny the emptiness, Hyunjae clenched his jaw.

The narrow kitchen was filled with the sound of their heavy breathing and the vulgar slapping of flesh against flesh, the wet, squelching sounds. Even though Nanyeong commanded him to keep fucking, he moaned as if in real pain. Yet, he never begged him to stop, only letting out pleading cries.

“Huh, ugh, ah!”

Even as he was being fucked, Nanyeong kept trying to crawl forward. Ahead of him was only the old bathroom door, but Hyunjae pulled him back by the shoulders every time he moved a few centimeters forward.

“Huh, ugh, it feels like I’m going to bruise.”

“…You might.”

“My insides are throbbing… ugh, huh….”

Even as he spoke, Nanyeong’s face was completely lost in ecstasy, his breath coming in short gasps. His beautiful face, now disheveled, was more alluring than ever. Hyunjae grabbed his chin, forcing his head around for a rough kiss, as he held back a wave of intense orgasm. Pushing in as deep as possible, a brief moment of silence followed.

As Hyunjae panted, their breaths mingled, their lips still pressed together. Nanyeong felt his thin abdomen, wondering if Hyunjae’s cock inside him was visibly outlined from the outside.

“Haah….”

A thick bead of sweat dripped from Hyunjae’s chin. Nanyeong watched his face with unfocused eyes as it moved away.

“Huh!”

A strong impact shook his entire body, his cheek sliding against the floor. What he thought was Hyunjae’s orgasm was a miscalculation. Nanyeong’s eyes rolled back briefly, showing the whites. He came to when Hyunjae slapped his ass hard.

“Wake up.”

The sweat-soaked white buttocks instantly turned red. Hyunjae slapped Nanyeong’s ass again, hard. The loud smacking sound left a bright red handprint.

As the stinging pain made Nanyeong’s hips tremble, Hyunjae thrust his cock back into the gaping entrance. Grabbing his slim hips with both hands, he pounded deeply several more times. Nanyeong’s panting breaths were palpable in his grasp.

Hyunjae stared intently at the panting Nanyeong and raised his hand. Then, he placed one hand on Nanyeong’s neck.

“Huh….”

Nanyeong flinched at the strength of the hand gripping his nape. Undeterred, Hyunjae applied more pressure. As his thumb pressed against the pulsating carotid artery, Nanyeong made strange noises. The more he did, the tighter Nanyeong’s insides gripped Hyunjae’s cock.

“I… I can’t breathe.”

Nanyeong pleaded in a hoarse voice. Seeing the fear in Nanyeong, who had been unfazed until now, Hyunjae’s eyes filled with a cruel, dark light. He reveled in the sight of the man struggling for breath, his face turning pale.

Unable to breathe any longer, Nanyeong reached out and frantically clawed at Hyunjae’s chest. But Hyunjae didn’t budge. At his limit, Nanyeong began to tremble and convulse, desperately trying to breathe. The lower part of his body clenched with unbelievable pressure.

“Huh….”

When Hyunjae finally let go, Nanyeong coughed violently and gasped for air.

“Huh, cough… huh, haah, haah….”

Nanyeong’s body trembled with intense excitement as he repeated the abnormally rough breaths. Hyunjae realized that Nanyeong had just reached his climax. In that moment of oxygen deprivation, his brain had experienced extreme pleasure.

Simultaneously, Nanyeong’s uncontrolled insides stimulated Hyunjae’s cock on their own. An unprecedentedly strong pleasure washed over him, making his whole body stiffen. Feeling an overwhelming orgasm, Hyunjae reached his peak.

“Huh, huh, haah….”

Barely freed from Hyunjae’s grip, Nanyeong gasped for breath as his insides pulsed and sucked in Hyunjae’s cock. The orgasm was intensely powerful. Enduring the ecstatic pressure on his cock, Hyunjae cupped Nanyeong’s cheeks with both hands.

Nanyeong’s eyes were bloodshot from repeated breath restriction. Hyunjae gently kissed the tears that had formed in the reddened corners of his eyes. Nanyeong looked at him with fear.

“Are you afraid of me?”

Hyunjae’s sanity slowly returned. He clearly remembered the violent act he had just committed and understood its meaning.

If he kept trying to break Nanyeong, who wouldn’t yield even if it killed him, he might end up breaking him for real. Tears that had welled up in Nanyeong’s eyes finally spilled over. The timing was impeccable.

“No.”

Nanyeong could barely speak due to the aftereffects of being choked. Hyunjae gazed endlessly into his deep eyes, covered by a thin layer of tears. It wasn’t a lie.

Hyunjae slowly withdrew, pulling out his cock and wiping the sweat from his forehead. As he emptied himself, a large amount of semen mixed with blood seeped out from Nanyeong’s gaping entrance, pooling on the floor.

Nanyeong lay limp, like a broken doll. Red handprints marked where Hyunjae had choked him. Nanyeong’s breath was shallow, making him look almost lifeless. Semen trickled down his legs, and his reddened, swollen buttocks were a pitiful sight.

Hyunjae sat beside him and gently brushed his fingers over Nanyeong’s neck, where bruises were already forming. But his hands trembled so much that he had to clench them into fists.

He couldn’t believe he had done this to someone he cared about. This wasn’t the scene he had dreamed of or fantasized about. He couldn’t tell if Nanyeong was neglecting or guiding this relationship to such an extreme.

“Heh….”

An unbelievable sound made Hyunjae slowly turn his head. A small laugh escaped from Nanyeong, who had been lying as if dead.

“Liar.”

His voice was hoarse, as if he had a cold. Hyunjae just looked at him without reacting.

“Saying you’ve lost your feelings is a lie. Look how lustful you are.”

Nanyeong laughed as if genuinely amused, coughing but continuing to laugh. It seemed like he was mocking himself.

After laughing to himself for a while, Nanyeong quieted down. Hyunjae, who had been stiff with worry about Nanyeong’s strange reaction, slowly approached him. Despite being roughed up and choked, Nanyeong’s face was angelic.

Slowly lowering his head, Hyunjae checked Nanyeong’s breathing. Fortunately, shallow breaths escaped from Nanyeong’s nose. He was just exhausted and asleep.

Hyunjae gazed at Nanyeong’s sleeping face for a long time, then kissed his lips, cheeks, the tender skin under his eyes, and his eyelids in turn. It was a kiss that traced the face of the one he loved.

At some point, Hyunjae tasted tears on his lips. The tears he had shed flowed down his cheeks and reached his lips.

Hyunjae realized that his first love had burned away, leaving nothing but ash. If he searched through the remnants, he might find charred pieces of what once was, or faint embers still lingering. But going back to the way things were was impossible.

Ꮺ

Hyunjae woke up in the deep of night.

The stillness of the darkness was disrupted by an unbearably cold draft. Although his house was already poorly insulated, this was unusual.

After a moment, Hyunjae realized the window was open. Leaning against the frame, Nanyeong was smoking a cigarette. Each time he drew a breath, the orange glow of the cigarette flared against the faintly illuminated night sky, lit by streetlights and convenience store signs.

“Awake?”

Nanyeong spoke without turning around. A small cough followed, as if annoyed by the lingering roughness in his voice. Even in his groggy, sleep-addled state, Hyunjae found it curious.

The previous night, Hyunjae had held Nanyeong close as he slept, as if trying to memorize him. Then he had carefully cleaned him, wiping away the sweat, saliva, and semen with a warm, damp cloth. He’d even gently helped him release what remained to prevent any discomfort.

Nanyeong’s soiled clothes had already been washed and hung to dry. Hyunjae dressed him in his own T-shirt and shorts, skipping the underwear for fear of waking him.

He had made the bed anew, replacing the sheets and turning on the heater. Hyunjae had lifted Nanyeong carefully into bed, ensuring his comfort.

For hours, he had stared at his face, taking in the serene expression now devoid of its usual sharpness. Despite the marks—bruises and bite marks marring his neck and shoulders—Hyunjae felt a bittersweet satisfaction. He wondered if someone else in Nanyeong’s life might see those marks and understand.

Knowing full well that once Nanyeong woke up, this moment would never come again, Hyunjae had fought to stay awake, savoring every second.

But even his exhaustion had its limits. Eventually, sleep overtook him.

“It’s still early,” Nanyeong remarked.

Hyunjae groggily glanced at the clock.

Nanyeong stubbed out his cigarette on the windowsill and closed the window. The chill in the room dissipated, leaving behind a faint trace of cigarette smoke. Nanyeong, arms crossed against the cold, returned to Hyunjae’s side.

The unexpected gesture surprised Hyunjae. As he sat up slightly, Nanyeong spoke again.

“What? Am I too cold?”

“No…”

Hyunjae trailed off, and Nanyeong pulled the blanket over himself, lying down as if it were the most natural thing in the world. His cold toes brushed against Hyunjae’s leg.

Without flinching, Hyunjae lay back down.

At any moment, Nanyeong could leave. No matter how much he pretended to be unfazed, what they’d shared was closer to violence than intimacy. If Nanyeong woke up, cursed him, and vowed never to see him again, Hyunjae wouldn’t blame him.

“Do you want me to delete some pictures?”

Staring at the ceiling, Hyunjae mumbled quietly. It was the only justification he could think of for Nanyeong staying. If enduring everything had been for that reason, Hyunjae could understand.

“Tell me what you want.”

“You’re awfully generous,” Nanyeong murmured. He shifted slightly, and the faint smell of smoke reached Hyunjae again, making him want to pull Nanyeong closer.

“Just delete one.”

Hyunjae turned to look at him, surprised by the response.

“There’s no point asking you to delete all of them, is there?”

“…Didn’t you once ask me to delete a hundred?”

“Did I?”

Nanyeong trailed off ambiguously.

In the dimly lit room, Hyunjae fumbled for his phone. He opened his gallery and scrolled through it, searching for the most compromising photo he could find. His gallery, filled with affectionate snapshots, held little that seemed inappropriate. Finally, he found one: Nanyeong leaning against the wall of the dressing room, shirt unbuttoned, looking at his phone.

“I’ll delete this one.”

Nanyeong squinted against the phone’s bright light, checking the photo.

“Are you going to keep doing this?”

He grumbled. It seemed he thought Hyunjae was only presenting the easier options, despite the depth of the issues at hand. Hyunjae quietly gazed at the photo again.

It was a beautiful picture, too precious to simply delete. The light streaming through the window slanted across a cheek, especially capturing his attention. Hyunjae rubbed that part of the photo with his thumb, then deleted it. He went further, permanently erasing it from the trash.

“It’s deleted.”

“Alright…”

Nanyeong said no more and soon fell silent. Incredibly, it seemed he was trying to sleep again.

Even after deleting the photo, Nanyeong didn’t leave. Was he truly planning to stay here? After all that had happened? Just the thought of it made Hyunjae’s heart churn dozens of times throughout the night. No matter how much he wracked his brain for reasons why Nanyeong would stay, only flimsy ones came to mind.

Was it because he was simply too tired right now? But Nanyeong had a driver ready to come at his beck and call and could find far more comfortable places to sleep. Was it because he genuinely enjoyed that kind of sex? …That explanation seemed the most plausible. Being satisfied with the arrangement and feeling at ease was, at least, closer to the Nanyeong Hyunjae had come to know.

Whatever the reason, Hyunjae secretly felt relieved to spend a little more time together. Closing his eyes, he waited until Nanyeong was completely asleep.

“……”

Cautiously, Hyunjae leaned closer to him, tilting his head. He brought his nose near Nanyeong’s pale neck and inhaled deeply. A faint scent of cigarettes and the breeze filled his lungs.

Ꮺ

“What’s this about, calling me in the middle of the night?”

“Sorry, hyung, are you home right now?”

“No, I’m drinking near campus… Why?”

In the dead of night, after Nanyeong had fallen sound asleep, Hyunjae made a call to the only person he could confide in—his senior from high school.

About twenty minutes after Hyunjae waited at their meeting point, Seongwoo appeared, slightly drunk.

“Sorry for calling you out like this.”

“No worries, I was getting bored anyway. Everyone’s plastered and repeating the same drunken ramblings.”

Yawning widely, Seongwoo stuffed his hands into his pockets and walked ahead. A carefree college student, he was the latest sleeper Hyunjae knew. Calling him had been a good idea.

“Where should we go? Not many places are open at this hour…”

Seongwoo led the way, clearly familiar with the nearby bars. Hyunjae followed him silently.

The place they entered was a quiet pub on the ground floor of a residential-commercial building. As soon as their drinks arrived, Hyunjae twisted off the soju bottle’s cap.

“Let’s make soju bombs. Hold on, I’ll mix it for us.”

“It’s fine. I’ll just drink soju.”

Hyunjae downed a glass of soju in one go. His dark expression made it clear that this wasn’t just to match Seongwoo’s pace. Sensing the heaviness in the air even from the initial phone call, Seongwoo didn’t stop him.

After his mother’s passing, Hyunjae had been barely maintaining a semblance of balance in his life. Though he rarely showed his inner turmoil, the fact that he’d been left an orphan before fully stepping into adulthood was undeniably devastating. Now, he truly had to stand on his own.

“How tough it must be for you. Even someone like me, with parental support, feels uncertain about the future. I can’t imagine how you must feel…”

Seongwoo refilled Hyunjae’s glass as he spoke, but Hyunjae’s quiet confession took him by surprise.

“…That person is staying at my place.”

“That person… What?”

Seongwoo’s hand faltered as he leaned on his chin. Given Hyunjae’s limited social circle, there was only one person he could secretively refer to as “that person”—the older woman who had once used her wealth to turn Hyunjae into her toy. In his naivety, Hyunjae had developed feelings for her during her cruel games.

Of course, Seongwoo still believed that this “person” was a woman. Even after Hyunjae had concealed the details of their relationship, Seongwoo had only pieced together that it was someone who had toyed with him.

“Didn’t you say it was over?”

Hyunjae’s fringe cast a shadow over his eyes as he murmured gloomily, “It was.”

“Then did they come back asking to meet again?”

“To be honest, this isn’t the first time.”

Hyunjae lowered his head, and Seongwoo shook his head in disbelief.

“Wow, you really are something else. You said it was over, that you wouldn’t let yourself get swayed anymore. And yet, here you are, still meeting her. Ha! This is why relationship advice is useless. People always come back saying, ‘What do I do~,’ after causing their own problems.”

Hyunjae remained silent, the sharpness of Seongwoo’s words piercing through him. Seongwoo sighed.

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I just don’t think I can do this anymore…”

Hyunjae’s face was steeped in fatigue, as though he wouldn’t be this distraught even if a lion were sitting in his living room.

Seongwoo clicked his tongue lightly. He remembered when Hyunjae shyly confessed that he wished she would date him. Though that pure sentiment had long since faded, it seemed Hyunjae was still hopelessly ensnared by her.

“When we’re together, all we do is fight. Then I feel sorry for her, thinking about how pitiful her life must be to end up like this. I regret acting cruelly toward her, and then I start hating myself. It’s this endless cycle of emotions. I can’t even tell if I like her or hate her anymore.”

“I can guarantee you this: she’s not overthinking it as much as you are. Seriously, what a ridiculous woman. She throws you away, only to come back. If she’s grown up, she should act her age. Or is it that being older makes her shameless?”

At Seongwoo’s blunt words, Hyunjae slowly lifted his eyes. They were filled with slight defiance and a touch of shock, as though he was offended by someone speaking ill of the woman he once adored. But Seongwoo, unfazed, kept going.

“By the time you’re in your thirties, you get pretty clever when it comes to relationships. Don’t you think she’s already figured out exactly how to keep you hooked?”

“Ha…”

In the past, Hyunjae would’ve defended her, insisting Seongwoo was wrong. Now, all he could manage was a suppressed sigh.

“She doesn’t have kids, right?”

The question caught Hyunjae off guard. He furrowed his brows slightly as he took another sip of soju, the burn trailing down his throat.

“Why bring that up?”

“She’s divorced, isn’t she?”

“…Yeah.”

“And no kids?”

Hyunjae shook his head.

“She doesn’t.”

Seongwoo frowned as if even that needed to be taken with a grain of salt.

“Just because she’s not the primary guardian doesn’t mean she doesn’t have any. She pretended to be single before; who’s to say she wouldn’t hide something like that too?”

“…”

“Hey, I’m not trying to badmouth her. I’m just saying it so you don’t get blindsided later. Better to brace yourself now, right? Anyway, you said she’s ridiculously pretty. Well, with money, anyone can maintain their looks. You wouldn’t know just by looking at her body.”

Hyunjae exhaled quietly and lowered his head. Even though Seongwoo’s words captured the essence of who Nanyeong was, hearing someone else criticize her didn’t sit well with him.

“She doesn’t. I’m sure of it.”

If Seongwoo knew that “she” referred to Seo Nanyeong, he’d probably understand. Her private life was practically public knowledge, with every detail about her brief marriage and lack of children well-documented.

But the future was another matter. Nanyeong was still only thirty-one, young enough to remarry and start anew. Being a member of a chaebol family and its sole male heir, it was hard to imagine him remaining single for life. Surely, the pressure to remarry and produce an heir would be relentless.

Hyunjae let out another silent sigh. Perhaps noticing his discomfort, Seongwoo softened his tone.

“Hyunjae, you know this, right? You can’t have a real, genuine love with someone like that.”

Hyunjae didn’t respond. He simply downed another shot of soju.

“It’s a bitter truth, but first loves usually fail. You’re not the only one going through this. You know what your options are, right? You either cut her off completely or keep seeing her and let yourself get jerked around. People don’t change.”

Slowly, Hyunjae raised his head.

“But I’ve changed.”

A bitter smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

“My feelings for her are still here. But I don’t trust her anymore.”

“…”

“And in a way, I think that’s helped me get hurt a little less.”

Hyunjae silently agreed with everything Seongwoo said, especially the part about either letting go or being dragged along. Over the past few months, he had seen the changes in his emotions. While he remained the same, just dragging this situation out had worn him down. The longer this went on, the clearer it became that this was a game Nanyeong would ultimately win—because he was the only one who truly cared.

So he knew, rationally, that cutting ties was the right thing to do. Yet his heart continued to betray his reason. Every time she came to him, the foolish love he harbored would leap in secret joy, blinding him to reality. And now, here he was, uttering something that couldn’t possibly be justified.

“Hyung, you know what?”

“Yeah?”

“No matter how many times I see her…”

“…?”

“She’s still so beautiful.”

“What?”

Seongwoo looked at Hyunjae, incredulous.

“To be honest, she’s always been that way—the most beautiful, the smartest, the most perfect person I’ve ever seen. Everything about her, from her hairstyle to the scent of her perfume, even down to her shoes, was flawless. Her tone, her gestures—they were always so elegant. I’ve never met an adult like her in my entire life. My mom, being poor, couldn’t teach me things like that. I think I learned them from her.”

To Hyunjae, Nanyeong was the most breathtaking landscape he’d ever encountered. Her polished appearance, adorned with the finest things and tailored to her refined taste, was irresistibly captivating. Already blessed with striking looks, she had cultivated an aura that made even her breath seem precious, making the very idea of touching her feel like a sacrilege.

“Do you know something? She’s incredibly mature, but it’s all just a front. She actually has a lot of cute sides. She probably hates it when she lets her emotions show, but when she yells or cries, I… I love it. Even when she was sleeping in my dingy little room like it was nothing, she still felt like a flower in bloom.”

“…”

“I know what you’re going to say. That anyone with money can polish their surface like that. But here’s the thing: I’ve seen her at her worst. Stubborn, selfish, vulgar, materialistic… We fought messily, and she wasn’t the elegant figure she always projected, but even then, she was the most beautiful person I’ve ever known.”

To fall in love with someone like her in his early twenties was both an unparalleled experience and a disaster. It was like witnessing an asteroid collide with Earth. For a fleeting moment, the explosion and debris scattering into the atmosphere would have created a trillion bursts of light—a blindingly radiant spectacle that must have been mesmerizing. A celestial inferno, brighter than the day, offering a brief glimpse of heaven even as it heralded hell.

Even though the heat would have instantly obliterated all life, and the scorched ground would have taken centuries to cool, one couldn’t deny its beauty.

If someone had witnessed such a sight during their lifetime, how could they ever forget it? Even knowing it was the harbinger of doom, how could they turn away from such magnificence?

“I agree with everything you say, hyung. I know how pathetic I must seem to you.”

Seongwoo, who had been about to launch into a tirade, held back his words. Hyunjae looked up, blinking slowly, and said,

“Still, can you just hear me out? You’re the only one I can say these things to.”

“…”

“I won’t ever say it again… to her.”

At that, Hyunjae squeezed his eyes shut, heat pooling behind his eyelids.

“She’ll never know I feel like this. Never again…”

Even his breathing had grown heated. Just as Hyunjae thought he might be too drunk, Seongwoo steadied his swaying body.

“Look at you. I knew this would happen after you kept drinking like that.”

“…Mm.”

“Hey, pull yourself together. You still have to get home.”

But Hyunjae’s body had gone limp, and all he could manage was a mechanical flicker of his eyes when Seongwoo gave him a light slap on the cheek. Using what little composure he had left, Hyunjae focused all his energy on not revealing anything about Nanyeong.

“I’m so tired of getting rejected. I won’t tell her I love her again… Never, ever again…”

His slurred mumbling faded into soft laughter, tinged with both bitterness and resignation.