PIA 90

Jeong Hee-seo didn’t ask for any explanation. He simply lifted Ji-an up into his arms, wrapping Ji-an’s legs around his waist and holding him close, supporting his bottom so Ji-an could cling to him like a koala.

Ji-an, who had surrendered his body without resistance, rested his head on Jeong Jeong Hee-seo’s shoulder and closed his eyes. As his tears soaked Jeong Jeong Hee-seo’s shoulder, Jeong Hee-seo took a deep breath and exhaled heavily.

He moved to sit on a long chair, still holding Ji-an face-to-face. They were in front of a dim window overlooking the entire garden. Jeong Hee-seo’s gaze, directed towards the dark outside, was incredibly complex. Jeong Hee-seo painfully felt his chest getting completely soaked, but silently stroked his back and waited.

After a long while, Ji-an finally lifted himself up.

“…”

“…”

Their eyes met, and they could only look at each other in silence. Ji-an’s lips began to quiver. Jeong Jeong Hee-seo frowned deeply in frustration.

“Haa… Ji-an.”

It was as if the man’s flustered voice had triggered something.

Like when someone looked at you while you were crying and it made you even more sorrowful and broke you down. Ji-an’s eyes became like a broken faucet, releasing heavy teardrops that could be heard as they hit the floor.

His emotions overflowed uncontrollably. Whether it was because his body and mind had become fragile due to pregnancy or because of the accumulated stress from the past six months, Ji-an couldn’t tell.

Ji-an had no way to explain his confused feelings to Jeong Hee-seo. There were no words or sentences he could string together to express it.

He liked Jeong Hee-seo, and he liked the baby whose face he hadn’t even seen yet. Perhaps even that fondness for the baby had come about because of Jeong Hee-seo. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that since coming to this world, all feelings of ‘liking’ had originated from Jeong Hee-seo.

He liked Jeong Hee-seo’s body temperature, the scent of his body as they touched like now. He liked the feeling of his soft skin when he hugged him, and the way he looked at him intently. Jeong Hee-seo’s voice, his laughter, his fingers… even his hair that tickled him, he liked it all.

There wasn’t a single thing about Jeong Jeong Hee-seo that he didn’t like. He had never experienced anything this good in his life, and yet Jeong Hee-seo was the one who offered all of it to him.

But still, he hesitated. The mere fact that he flinched at the thought of continuing to live here cut him deeply. He felt like he had betrayed Jeong Hee-seo’s heart.

His earliest memory from the world he had lived in for over twenty years was of leftover ice cream.

Ji-an was about two years old then, and it was a very hot summer day. His brother had handed him a popsicle that was almost completely melted, with less than half remaining, and its overly sweet taste had left a strong impression.

The next memory was from his early elementary school years. He remembered always having blunt pencils. He envied her friends who carried mechanical pencils with neat name tags on each one. Memories from when he was a bit older were all about the snack shops on the way home from school.

The alleyways he had walked countless times with Woo-seok, who had been unusually big since childhood. That path was so clear in his mind that he could trace even the cracks in the walls.  There was the dog, Boksoon, that lived in the backyard of his mom’s store. The boring but persistent school reunions he kept getting dragged to. The crazy professor who obsessively urged him to go to graduate school…

None of these could be exchanged for Jeong Hee-seo. And yet, Ji-an felt fear. He still hesitated. As always, the voice had disappeared without warning, without giving him a chance to ask more questions. There was no simple explanation or guidance for such an important issue.

No matter how much life is said to be learned through experience, why do such calamities always strike without warning?

‘I’m lucky I haven’t gone crazy…’

He was faced with a problem that had no clear answer, with only two choices and no way to go back…

Anyone in their right mind would try to escape from this insane world where they were trapped in the role of a villain, with all the penalties that came with it. Who would willingly choose to trade a world they had lived in for only four months for the one they had known their entire life?

Ji-an’s hands trembled. Jeong Hee-seo’s face, usually composed, was now filled with rare and utter confusion. It was Ji-an who had caused him to be this flustered.

Ji-an buried his face in his chest again. Though his sobs had quieted, his breathing was still ragged.

“Ji-an-ah.”

Jeong Hee-seo frowned deeply, his forehead creasing as he examined Ji-an from various angles. Thanks to his sleep not having fully dissipated, his eyes were softer than usual, and his body temperature was warm. Woken abruptly from his sleep, he couldn’t make sense of what was happening and bit his lips in frustration, even though they were innocent

“Was the cake not tasty? Why are you like this all of a sudden? Did you have a bad dream?”

The way he spoke to Ji-an as if he were comforting a child only made Ji-an feel more pitiful. Ji-an’s lips pouted, forming deep lines on his chin, before he finally let out a word.

“I… I feel so wronged… I feel so unfairly treated.”

Why did this have to happen to him? It was as if his older brother had written this crazy drama to punish him for being unaware of their dysfunctional family. It was already unfair that he had been thrown into this place, but it felt even more unjust that all his desperate struggles seemed to have been in vain.

Of all things, to make him meet someone like this and render him so powerless.

“…”

Jeong Hee-seo tightened his embrace around the small, curled-up Ji-an, resting his chin on the crown of Ji-an’s head as he muttered.

“What could have made you feel so wronged?”

As Jeong Jeong Hee-seo stroked Ji-an’s back, he noticed the unusual dampness in his hands, making him momentarily at a loss for words. As Jeong Jeong Hee-seo repeatedly clenched and unclenched his hand that had turned white from tension, Ji-an raised his body and cupped his face with both hands. He tried to take in all of him with his eyes, which were bloodshot and wet all over. His large pupils were entirely filled with Jeong Hee-seo’s face.

Even in this situation, he thought Ji-an was beautiful. He lifted Ji-an’s clinging pajamas and slid his hand inside.

“Don’t cry,” he whispered, patiently accepting Ji-an’s greedy gaze while feeling the warmth of his soft back.

“To be honest, I don’t know what to do.”

“Hyung-nim…”

Ji-an lowered his stinging eyes and drew close to Jeong Hee-seo.

“You’re real. Aren’t you?”

Ji-an pressed his lips against Jeong Jeong Hee-seo’s, mingling his ragged and wet breath. The salty taste of tears quickly disappeared behind sweetness as their tongues intertwined. Hanging onto Jeong Hee-seo’s neck, Ji-an tilted his head and eagerly explored his lips.

The more he inhaled Jeong Jeong Hee-seo’s pheromones like oxygen and stole his saliva, the more his mind became hazy, yet at the same time, clearer.

“…At least to you, I’m always real.” 

Jeong Hee-seo whispered when Ji-an briefly withdrew his tongue to breathe. Ji-an met his eyes, touching his ears with both hands.

“I’m real to you too, hyung.”

Jeong Hee-seo gently bit Ji-an’s nose, then lightly licked his tear-stained cheek. He carefully kissed his eyelids, which were stinging from tears. The remaining moisture was absorbed by his soft lips.

He planted kisses frantically, worried Ji-an might start crying again. When his kisses moved from Ji-an’s eyes to his cheeks, temples, ears, and finally down to his jaw, a small laugh escaped from him.

“What should I do to make you believe me, Ji-an?”

Ji-an wanted to explain that it wasn’t Jeong Hee-seo’s actions that made him anxious.

“The beginning was a bit of a mess. I admit that, Seo Ji-an.”

He bit his lip and covered Ji-an’s eyes as if trying to hide his embarrassment. He pulled him close and kissed him deeply.

“Shall we start all over again? Want to barge into my office tomorrow morning?”

Despite Ji-an crying and causing a scene in the middle of the night, he didn’t pry. Jeong Hee-seo was truly a kind and deep person.

In less than half a year, he had completely changed Ji-an’s life. Ji-an could no longer dismiss this world as just a story hastily written by his brother. It had become too precious for that.

Ji-an realized that referring to Jeong Hee-seo as a character would be disrespectful and insulting to him, and now it would even be a denial of himself.

The world he originally lived in had nothing good for him, but he had considered it his foundation simply because he had spent so much time there.

Now, Jeong Hee-seo has become Ji-an’s foundation. Without realizing it, Ji-an had made Jeong Hee-seo the ground he stood on.

Ji-an felt like he understood the hesitation and fear he experienced when he was asked if he wanted to continue living in this world.

‘What do I do? Hyung has become everything to me. How did it end up like this?’

The emotions were too heavy to be expressed carelessly.

“…”

Instead of answering, Ji-an tightly hugged Hee-seo and pressed his forehead into the hollow between Hee-seo’s neck and shoulder. Like a child seeking comfort, he nuzzled against Jeong Hee-seo’s warm skin and placed his lips there. Whispering softly, he followed the rhythm of Jeong Hee-seo’s heartbeat with his ear.

“Hyung, let’s… do it.”

Ji-an took Jeong Hee-seo’s large hand and placed it over his chest.

“Here… fill me up completely with you.”