RSL Ch 87

A new gin was placed in front of him. Holding the glass, he was silently listening to my words.

“I met Gisella at the funeral. I was curious about you at that time when you were contemplating and concluding about breaking off the engagement. After hearing it, I think I understand what that certainty you mentioned was. I treated you too lightly when you approached me with such courage. I was arrogant, taking your feelings for me for granted.”

Han Jae-yi was sitting slightly askew with his left arm on the counter, listening to my story. His black eyes were directed at me, but at the same time, they seemed to be looking at a very distant place.

“As you said, while I had the courage to run away to protect my pride, I didn’t make any effort to approach you. I’m sorry.”

“…”

“I’m sorry, Jae-yi.”

My apology was penetrating our journey of the past four months and expressing the conclusion of our relationship that had turned to ashes in the final catastrophic chapter. Because we couldn’t move forward from that scene where only regret remained, I vowed to at least button the first button to the next stage today.

However,

Sadly, Han Jae-yi’s reaction didn’t waver much. He just had a bitter expression as if recalling old memories. As I heard his short sigh, I hoped it didn’t carry too much meaning.

I hoped he didn’t regret his decision to rush to me that day, the kiss that turned our relationship upside down.

The bar was getting quieter. There were more people leaving than coming in. The bartender glanced at us occasionally while wiping glasses, but seeing our glasses not yet empty, he attended to other customers. The music became clearer, and the ice in the cocktail had almost melted.

“It’s okay.”

Han Jae-yi, who had been silent for a long time, finally spoke. But his next words made me sad.

“It doesn’t matter anymore.”

He continued speaking, slowly tapping his fingers on the counter table.

“What I’ve been feeling lately is that I’m paying the price for all the decisions I’ve made so far at once. The broken engagement, our relationship. Of course, my father’s incident was an accident, but I provided the cause that made a corner of my heart uncomfortable, so I feel heavy. Anyway, everyone gets hurt by me, but I had no intention of doing so. This, you know, it’s really painful.”

And he brought the glass to his lips again.

The bridge of his nose, extending from his slightly furrowed brow, created a sharp line in the light. Below that line, his thick Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed the bitter drink past his philtrum and wet lips. After putting down the emptied glass, he spoke again.

“As you know, I’ve been a person who thinks that what I want is the right path. So I liked to run without looking back once I made a decision. The peak of that was following you to Korea. Everyone said I was crazy, but I didn’t care at all. I wanted to be with you, I wanted to live together, that thought alone made the decision, so nothing else mattered. So I didn’t expect it to become poison between us.”

Having finished speaking up to there, he turned his gaze to me.

“You’re right. I wasn’t happy in Korea. I was so stressed out I was going crazy. But I thought you’d be disappointed if I said I was struggling. I thought you might nag me about why I did this without thinking it through. I didn’t want to be criticized by you, if no one else. I think that’s what eventually exploded. So you don’t need to apologize to me. It’s true that I wanted to relieve stress by deliberately scratching your insides. I clearly hurt you too.”

Han Jae-yi wasn’t emotional at all and had a surprisingly calm tone. He used objective and precise expressions as if testifying about a past incident in court. We both admitted our mistakes and regretted our foolish actions.

“So, what do you want to do from now on?”

I asked him bitterly.

Han Jae-yi looked at my cocktail glass, which was barely half empty. Then he quietly called the bartender. He ordered another of the same for himself, and water for me.

“To cut to the chase.”

He turned his bar stool slightly to face me.

“I don’t think I can go back to Korea. I’m already in the process of wrapping up the business.”

I felt like my mind went blank for a moment.

He paused for a moment, as if to give me enough time to react. So a brief silence fell. I tried to pull up my feelings that had hit rock bottom, taking a breath as I drank the water he had ordered for me.

Then suddenly, looking at the water glass I had put down, a hollow laugh escaped me. It seemed as if he had accurately placed it in front of me, as if predicting future events. It was such a Han Jae-yi-like action that I couldn’t even hate it. It was too obvious with what thoughts he had prepared this glass of water.

“What’s the reason? Did you start disliking me?”

He didn’t laugh at my question, which I threw with a self-deprecating smile. He just turned his gaze away and continued to lay out words that seemed prepared in advance.

“While we were apart due to my father’s incident, I did some self-reflection. Thanks to that, I could clearly see my limits. I’m not confident I can get along well with you again. To be more honest, I’m tired. Those patterns of fighting, reconciling, understanding, and trying are now difficult for me. In the end, we’ll become worse than friends, and I don’t want that to happen with you. So I think we should stop here.”

“…”

“I’m sorry the conclusion falls short of your expectations.”

Han Jae-yi finished his last words. I didn’t respond.

Of course, his words were shocking. Although it wasn’t unexpected, actually hearing him say we should stop was more heartbreaking than I thought. However, I slowly digested Han Jae-yi’s words and sorted out the situation.

I clearly asked if he had come to dislike me, but he didn’t answer that question. He just said he had concluded we should stop here to preserve our relationship. Is he trying to run away? I wanted to confirm.

“You didn’t answer my question. I asked if you’ve come to dislike me. Are you trying to live without seeing me again because you can’t stand the sight of me?”

“That’s why I’m saying we should stop. We’ll fight again, and then we’ll end up despising each other.”

“Are you confident you can despise me?”

“…”

I carefully observed Han Jae-yi, who wasn’t answering. His blinking eyes, the twitching of his lips, the dilation of his pupils, and the movement of his shoulders. I pieced together his thoughts in my own way, collecting these small pieces of evidence.

Han Jae-yi seemed to be under a curse that made him imagine only the worst situations. I had made him that way, and his father’s death had made him that way. He was distressed that someone would get hurt if he chose the path he believed was right, but the one who was most hurt was probably himself. So it seemed he had judged that he should stop here to protect himself from being despised by me.

But I know. In no worst-case scenario will such an ending ever come to us. I had confidence in myself that I wouldn’t let that happen, and I also had faith in Han Jae-yi, who wouldn’t be able to despise me until the very end. Perhaps the fear that had seeped into him had numbed these senses surrounding us.

The ‘certainty’ that Han Jae-yi had was now with me.

“Well, I’m sorry but,”

I started speaking like that, slowly turning my body towards him.

“I have no intention of stopping.”

His eyes began to ripple faintly. When you hear unexpected words, you lose the initiative in the conversation in an instant. A person who has lost the initiative tends to be nervous about the other person’s next words. I didn’t miss that moment.

“I think you’re misunderstanding something. You and me, it’s not a relationship you started unilaterally. If anything, I started the one-sided love first. So it’s not a relationship that should end just because you say you’re stopping. Did you think I would back off together if you scared me and pushed me away with such talk?”

“Seo-jin.”

“I’m sorry my conclusion falls short of your expectations too. If you’re going to dump me, do it properly. Tell me you’re sick of me and to get lost. Tell me not to answer your calls and ignore me like I don’t exist. Can you do that?”

“…”

He didn’t answer. I spoke casually too, but I was trembling a little. Contrary to my thoughts, he might already be tired of me. He could tell me to get out of his sight right now just because I spoke well once.

But what does that matter? I wasn’t afraid of that anymore. Even if he rejects me, all I would lose is my ‘pride’ at most. It has no value to me now.

“Jae-yi, answer me.”

I cornered him once more.

Han Jae-yi was silent, but his expression was honest. How could I do that to you? I didn’t miss reading that gaze that unfolded like text. So I gathered a bit more courage.

“If you haven’t come to dislike me that much yet, give me a chance.”

Then he carefully opened his mouth.

“…What kind of chance?”

“You’re everything to me too. I’ll prove it to you.”

I returned Han Jae-yi’s confession that Gisella had told me directly to him. It wasn’t a trick to look impressive. I spoke too calmly to make a big impression. Just. I wanted to tell him because it was an undeniable truth for me too.

He had been my friend for a long time and had always been my everything.

Han Jae-yi’s expression wavered greatly once. But he pressed his lips tightly and said nothing. He seemed to be extremely sparing with his words, as if flustered by the unexpected result. With a hardened expression, he seemed to be sorting out each of my words in his head. Then, with a small sigh, he gave permission.

“Do as you please.”

He emptied his last glass of alcohol.

A moment of relief came to me too. At least we won’t part today. I felt better after being satisfied with this small achievement. Of course, his feelings might change and he might reject me tomorrow, but anyway, it seems not today.

I realized that quite some time had passed since the intense conversation ended. The bartender was already cleaning up the place where the last customer had left. I called him to pay for the drinks and said to Han Jae-yi.

“I’ll go get my coat, will you wait here for a moment?”

He was silent. Unable to wait until he agreed, I got up alone for now. I went outside and ran to Alain’s apartment.

The noise had almost disappeared. I appeared towards the end of the party where only desolate empty bottles were rolling around. Alain, who had caused all this commotion with the protagonist vanished, was sleeping drunk on the sofa. Other friends were preparing to leave while cleaning up the house.

“Ah, Alain kept looking for you. Where did you go?”

I ran into Eric at the entrance while trying to find my coat. He seemed inwardly glad to see me.

“I was outside. If he wakes up, please tell him I’m sorry.”

Of course, I was planning to send a long apology message to Alain directly, but for some reason, I wanted to say these words to Eric. So I turned back and added one more thing.

“He’ll understand if you tell him I was talking with my boyfriend.”

He nodded with an understanding expression and shrugged. Then he went inside pretending to be nonchalant. Whether he did or not, I hurriedly put on my coat and slipped out. Then I ran back towards the way I had come.

Of course, Han Jae-yi might have already disappeared from the bar. Since I didn’t hear him agree to wait, I couldn’t say anything even if he had left alone. So I ran zealously to arrive even one minute faster. It’s been quite a while since I ran at full speed like this.

As soon as I entered the main street, my anxiety dissipated. Han Jae-yi was waiting for me outside the store. Seeing him standing there with his bright brown coat flapping, a cigarette in his mouth, I was so happy I almost choked up.

Han Jae-yi turned his head towards me as I approached. When I was close enough for my voice to be heard, he took the cigarette out of his mouth. Then he turned his head in the opposite direction and blew out the smoke. He asked.

“Where’s your hotel?”

His low, deep voice sounded a bit calmer than before.

“It’s about a 15-minute walk from here.”

“I’ll take you there, let’s go.”

After saying that, he put the cigarette back in his mouth and walked ahead. I was blankly admiring his figure from behind. And I thought to myself. It’s funny. I don’t know why my heart has been pounding like this all this time over this. I hurriedly widened my stride to catch up with him.

“Is the party over?”

He asked.

“Yeah, Alain passed out earlier than I expected.”

“He told me he hadn’t been able to sleep properly for a few days because of work. But seeing him make such a fuss to cheer you up, his personality hasn’t changed. Nothing’s changed from the old days. He’s a strange guy, but he’s kind.”

I nodded with a smile at his words.

The hotel was located on the Champs-Élysées across the Alexandre III Bridge. Thanks to that, we walked along the Seine River together for the first time in a long while. Han Jae-yi threw the extinguished cigarette butt into a trash can and came back to my side with both hands in his coat pockets. The faint scent of his cologne wafted through the air.

I always felt sentimental when I came here. The city that he and I loved so much. We had locked our youth in our 20s in Paris and visited this place whenever we lacked romance. I hated him for trying to tell me goodbye in this city where one can’t help but fall in love.

But if we were really to part, there would be no place more fitting than this. Wouldn’t it be the only city that could end the romance between him and me that had started in Rome?

Our steps were slowing down bit by bit as we crossed the Seine. From the moment we saw the hotel entrance in the distance, I wanted to stop walking altogether. This feeling of one-sided love that I’m starting again now makes me so weary, just like before.

As we finally arrived at the entrance, I asked him:

“Did you book a round-trip flight?”

“No, one-way.”

Han Jae-yi’s eyes looked very tired as he answered. He must be exhausted as it’s almost midnight.

“Stay overnight.”

“No. I’ll leave right after I see you go up.”

“How can you go at this hour? Just stay the night. We haven’t broken up yet, have we?”

Then he hesitated and showed an unexpected reaction.

“…We talked a lot today. Can’t you be satisfied with that for now?”

Realizing what that meant, I instantly blushed. My invitation to stay wasn’t meant like that, but he seemed to have misunderstood. Although I heard him say to do as I please when I said I wouldn’t stop, I had no intention of arbitrarily insisting on s3x.

“When I said stay overnight, I didn’t mean it like that. Just because you looked tired.”

Reading my flustered expression, he smiled gently.

“Okay, I understand.”

“Will you really be okay?”

“Yeah. Go in now. I’ll be going.”

Then he turned around immediately so I couldn’t hold him back. I felt disappointment rise before I could even do anything about it.

I stayed in place for a while, watching Han Jae-yi’s retreating back. As there were hardly any people passing in front of the hotel, I watched until he completely disappeared.

I thought it would get better after meeting him, but it was the opposite. Seeing how I quickly missed him to an unbearable degree, I really hadn’t changed at all.

After spending one more day in Paris, I returned to Korea. Then I had a long 4-day break. There wasn’t much change in my daily life, but I sent Han Jae-yi a message once a day. They were mostly short updates about how I was doing, and sometimes I added a question mark to prompt his reply.

Han Jae-yi would respond sometimes and deliberately avoid it other times. When I called, he would answer sometimes, but most often it would go to voicemail. So maintaining an appropriate balance was a very important task for me.

To avoid serious conversations on purpose, or because I didn’t want to burden him, I treated him like a friend. But I also expressed myself enough so he wouldn’t forget. I told him I missed him a lot or that I longed for him, leaving just enough to remind him that I still loved him.

And yesterday, for the first time, a message came from him first.

[Can you send the rest of my stuff?]

The content was disheartening, but I was holding up steadfastly.