93

Baek Sa’s hair fluttered softly in the breeze. As his gaze lowered, revealing his elegant eyes, Ha-gyeom’s heart raced.

‘Someone I must never forget or lose…’

Ha-gyeom repeated those words in his mind, his lips burning as he tried to soothe them with a quick lick. Hearing those words directly from Baek Sa’s mouth now felt entirely different from when he had overheard them years ago, hidden behind the flower bed.

How could someone as insignificant as himself become that singular, irreplaceable person for Baek Seung-woo? The realization didn’t feel real.

Ha-gyeom wrapped his arms hesitantly around Baek Sa’s neck. It was an awkward embrace, his knees planted on the ground as he clung to him. Baek Sa steadied him by gripping his waist and guiding him to sit on his lap, his firm thighs supporting him.

Ha-gyeom let himself savor every sensation. The broad, solid chest beneath him, the rapid, pounding heartbeat he could feel through his shirt, the warmth of Baek Sa’s body radiating through his clothes, the unreserved closeness of their faces, with their ears nearly touching.

It was an overwhelming comfort mixed with a dull ache in the pit of his stomach. But this wasn’t unfamiliar—it had always been this way. He barely managed to rein in his desires as he spoke.

“Just because I get hurt or go through pain doesn’t mean I’ll fall apart. So, don’t be so anxious, hyung.”

“How could I not be?” Baek Sa replied, his voice heavy with emotion.

You said you were afraid of losing yourself.

Ha-gyeom realized, through Baek Sa’s confession, that he had already lost a part of himself. Ha-gyeom didn’t know the size or shape of the challenges ahead, but he resolved to hold on to his own identity, no matter what, for the part of Baek Seung-woo that still lingered within Baek Sa.

And if Baek Seung-woo was like black water trapped at the bottom of a deep well, Ha-gyeom decided he would be the first to reach down and pull him out this time.

Before Baek Seung-woo could lose everything of himself in this place.

There was no longer any need to feel ashamed of his trembling heart as he was enveloped in Baek Sa’s overwhelming embrace. There was no need to dismiss his feelings as improper or to berate himself for believing someone like him wasn’t worthy of Baek Seung-woo.

Now that he knew Baek Seung-woo’s body responded to his touch, that Baek Seung-woo hadn’t hesitated to enter this abyss for his sake, Ha-gyeom was ready to leap into any fire.

He was certain no one else could do it. Only he could be the one to save Baek Seung-woo, who had faded and tarnished in this place.

“No matter what happens, never lose yourself,” Baek Sa murmured.

Ha-gyeom held Baek Seung-woo tightly, his arms trembling as he nodded in response.

For what felt like an eternity, their chests pressed together, sharing the heat of their breaths. When Ha-gyeom finally eased away, their foreheads touched immediately, and Baek Sa’s gaze locked onto his, shining as their ragged breaths mingled in the quiet night.

A large hand that had rested on Ha-gyeom’s back slid down to his waist, and slowly, their bodies tilted. Before he realized it, Ha-gyeom was lying on his back amidst the thick grass, staring up at Baek Sa, who now loomed above him against the backdrop of the star-filled sky.

“…Hyung.”

The word barely left his lips before it was swallowed by Baek Sa’s lips, crashing down on him like a storm. The kiss was ferocious, Baek Sa’s tongue invading without warning, and Ha-gyeom responded just as fiercely, sucking him in with unrestrained hunger. Their breaths tangled as if trying to steal the life from one another, each moment filled with desperate, gasping sounds. Sweet saliva pooled and was swallowed greedily as their lips parted and met again in an endless rhythm.

Ha-gyeom’s arms stayed locked around Baek Sa’s neck as he spread his legs, letting Baek Sa press closer against him. Their lower bodies aligned instinctively, the heat between them rising unbearably fast through the thin fabric that separated their skin.

The crashing sound of waves against the cliffside echoed in Ha-gyeom’s ears, blending seamlessly with the sharp sounds of their fevered breaths.

It felt like everything was being consumed—his body, his thoughts, his soul. The oppressive darkness surrounding them offered the comfort of secrecy, allowing them to surrender entirely to the moment, without fear of anything being discovered.

---

It had been about a week since Ha-gyeom started staying in a private room. Following Baek Sa’s order to focus solely on training until further instructions, Ha-gyeom spent all his time shuttling between the fitness center and the training room.

Standing before the mirror, Ha-gyeom gazed at his reflection, noting how much thinner he had become recently. The protrusion of his bones didn’t sit well with him, but he attributed it to his rigorous training regimen and scratched the back of his head a few times before moving on.

Though he hadn’t seen Baek Sa’s face during this time, Ha-gyeom patiently waited for any word from him instead of letting himself grow restless. In the meantime, there was something he kept to himself—a secret no one but he would ever know.

In the privacy of the bathroom, where the CCTV couldn’t reach, he had resorted to relieving himself countless times.

It wasn’t something he could help.

Ha-gyeom had always believed that love driven solely by physical desire wasn’t true love, but ever since that conversation on the cliff, he found it impossible to suppress the rising waves of want that overwhelmed him.

His ever-mature gaze that shifted with every emotion, the towering physique that could easily envelop him, the long and graceful hands that touched his body without hesitation, and even the words from those perfectly sculpted lips that answered the longings of his heart—all of it haunted Ha-gyeom. Just thinking about these things sent a dull ache through his stomach, igniting a desire so overwhelming it felt like one of the greatest crises of his life. The only way he could manage it was by channeling that energy into exercise.

If this was what it meant to be part of the adult world, how could he deny that he, too, had stepped into its realm?

“…”

Yet, at the same time, Ha-gyeom was weighed down by a persistent sadness. While his physical sensations clamored for release, his inner world was caught in a tug-of-war between light and darkness. Night after night, as he lay in bed, an ominous sense of foreboding crept over him, robbing him of sleep for days on end.

Baek Sa had said he feared Ha-gyeom would break and suffer, but Ha-gyeom’s own fear was the opposite—that Baek Sa would be the one to fall apart. Though it was only in dreams, Ha-gyeom’s mind conjured images of the tragedies Baek Sa must have faced in this place. The thought of him standing precariously before dark, crashing waves or shattering like fragile glass consumed Ha-gyeom, filling him with anguish.

Having glimpsed the vulnerable side of someone who had always seemed unshakably strong, Ha-gyeom found his desire to protect him growing uncontrollably. Just as Baek Sa had once helped him heal, Ha-gyeom wanted to return the favor and help him recover. But he didn’t yet know how.

Unlike his physical desires, his appetite had all but disappeared, and there were days when he spent the entire day in complete silence. Anxiety surged without warning, his heart sinking with waves of despair. At times, he was so overwhelmed that tears threatened to fall, and he had to bite down hard to hold them back.

He had thought feelings like this had ended in his childhood… but here they were again.

Though Ha-gyeom had become slightly better at coping, merely avoiding the endless anxiety that followed him everywhere could only go so far. Still, he endured. The mind was vast and dark, and he found that by pushing the memory of the cliffside to the back of his thoughts, he could at least manage to breathe.

Knock, knock.

It was then that someone knocked on the door of his private room. When he opened it, it was Tae-seong. Without preamble, Tae-seong stepped inside and, instead of delivering another monotonous training notification, spoke the name Ha-gyeom had been waiting to hear.

“Baek Sa wants to see you.”

At those words, Ha-gyeom’s face visibly brightened, betraying the impatience he had been suppressing for days. Tae-seong stepped aside, gesturing toward the hall with a nod of his chin.

“If you don’t have anything else to do, head out now.”

Ha-gyeom nodded quickly. As Tae-seong led the way, Ha-gyeom followed close behind, his heart pounding even harder than before. He rubbed his chest in an attempt to calm himself, but his excitement must have been written all over his face because Tae-seong occasionally glanced back at him with a faintly annoyed expression.

It wasn’t long before they arrived at their destination—Baek Sa’s room. Tae-seong knocked, opened the door, and gestured inside.

“Go in.”

Although the week had felt unbearably long, now that he was about to see Baek Sa, Ha-gyeom found himself hesitating. Despite his eager heart, he stepped inside slowly, his movements restrained. His eyes were immediately drawn to Baek Sa, who stood with his arms crossed, seemingly studying the clothes hanging on the wall as if they were a work of art.

“…”

“…”

The door closed behind him, and silence stretched between them. Ha-gyeom awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck and offered Baek Sa a small nod in greeting. Baek Sa returned it with a slight smile and walked toward him. Without a word, he led Ha-gyeom to the hanging clothes and asked softly, “Want to try them on?”

The outfit—a shirt and slacks—was something Ha-gyeom had never worn before. Normally, it was Baek Sa who dressed like this. Tilting his head slightly in curiosity, Ha-gyeom accepted the clothes and stepped into the bathroom to change.

When he came out, the shirt and pants loosely fitted but not yet adjusted, Baek Sa was already waiting. Their eyes met, and Baek Sa closed the distance between them in three measured steps. Ha-gyeom tilted his head to look up at him, his flushed cheeks betraying his nervousness. Still, he didn’t shy away from meeting Baek Sa’s gaze, his own eyes glimmering with a mixture of curiosity and something more.

“…”

Standing this close to him after so long felt surreal. He was still Baek Sa, but no longer the Baek Sa of the past, back when Ha-gyeom had known nothing. This felt different from their first meeting after Baek Sa had been reforged in this place. Now, Ha-gyeom knew the truth behind the veil he once couldn’t see.

“Come here and stand still.”

Before he knew it, Baek Sa had guided him to the mirror. Ha-gyeom stood with his back to it, watching Baek Sa reach for the hem of his shirt. He blinked, speechless, as Baek Sa began undoing the poorly fastened parts and rebuttoning them properly.

“Have you ever worn clothes like this before?” Baek Sa asked, his hands brushing against the collar as he smoothed it out. He left two buttons undone at the top.

Of course, he hadn’t. The Center had a variety of decontaminated clothing available, but as a trainee, Ha-gyeom had never had any reason to wear a proper shirt. His wardrobe had always been limited to T-shirts, training pants, and combat uniforms. Wearing something like this felt unnatural and almost out of place.

Perhaps, if he had been a little older, a little more grown, and Baek Sa had been there by his side, there might have been a moment where he could have worn something like this and felt it was appropriate.

“No, I haven’t,” Ha-gyeom admitted, his voice trembling slightly. He fidgeted with the newly adjusted buttons, stealing glances at Baek Sa. The older man wore this style often and effortlessly, exuding an air of elegance that Ha-gyeom felt he could never match.

Lowering his gaze, Ha-gyeom caught sight of his reflection—the form-fitting pants revealing a subtle yet embarrassing outline. His face burned with shame as he quickly looked away, fiddling nervously with the cuffs of his sleeves.

“Why do I have to wear something like this?” he asked hesitantly.

For a brief moment, Baek Sa’s gaze turned cold.

“You’re attending a meeting with the district’s leaders today.”