M 168

Seriously, why is Major General so… crude?

I’ve told him so many times that I hate those positions because they’re embarrassing, and to please stop saying those things!

I’m so angry that I don’t want to write in my diary today.

I’m not grateful at all!

I was so mad that I was going to sleep in Hae-rim’s room today, but Major General asked me to talk for a bit, so we met in the living room.

But Major General was a little taken aback because he thought I liked it when I cried and asked him to do more, so he thought it was okay to keep doing it in that position… like that….

I really don’t remember….

I said I liked it, that I wanted more…? Even while crying?

Since I was so unsure, I couldn’t say anything, so Major General suggested we set up a safe word? just in case.

I almost asked what that was, but I felt a little prideful, so I just said okay for now.

Oh, and Major General said that even if I’m sulking (but I’m angry, not sulking?), couples shouldn’t sleep in separate rooms.

He said we have to lie in the same bed and sleep.

I was so dumbfounded that I almost retorted, “We’re not even a couple yet!” but Major General’s face looked a little sad as he glanced at me, so I held back.

He’s always been so brazen, but when he lowered his eyes slightly and said that, I felt like I was the one who did something wrong….

Sigh, geez. In the end, I became soft-hearted and said I would read a little in my study (writing in my diary is a secret from Major General) and then go to the bedroom.

I was so angry yesterday and today, and I’m very tired now, so I’ll have to check and correct any concerning spelling errors later.

Today is Hae-rim’s first birthday party!

I don’t know why the first birthday is called a “doljanchi,” but it feels kind of cute.

Maybe it’s because babies’ eyes are round and sparkling like pretty stones, so that’s why it’s called a “doljanchi”^[1]?

Originally, there were supposed to be many things to do today, but Major General and I decided to ignore all the traditions.

We put a pretty tablecloth on a small table and piled it high with a cake, cookies, and bread that I made.

And we lined up the dinosaur dolls that Hae-rim has been particularly fond of lately around the table like guests.

The highlight of the doljanchi is supposed to be the “doljabi^[2],” but Major General and I deliberately didn’t prepare it.

I didn’t like the idea that the child’s fate would be determined by what they grabbed today.

While preparing, I cautiously told Major General that I hoped Hae-rim wouldn’t know any limits, so how about we skip the doljabi? Fortunately, Major General readily agreed.

General Oh Seon-ran goes without saying.

So, we all sang “Happy Birthday,” clapped, and blew out the candles on the cake, which concluded Hae-rim’s somewhat uneventful doljanchi.

Was he happy that everyone was looking at him and smiling?

Hae-rim smiled brightly all day long.

There was a time when I worried if I would be able to give birth to this child safely, but I’m just grateful that he grew up so healthy and beautiful.

And strangely enough, although he clearly resembles me, I can now see a lot of Major General’s face in Hae-rim.

According to Captain Na, Hae-rim’s cute details resemble me, and his overall outline? Skeleton? resembles Major General.

I think that’s right.

His features are definitely similar to mine, but he’s already growing taller at an alarming rate, and he’s also big… when I see things like that, he’s exactly like Major General. (And I’m really sorry to Hae-rim, but he’s gotten so heavy lately that it’s hard to hold him… it’s not fat at all, but his bones are really long, so even more so….)

It sounds like a boastful parent, but I felt proud because it seemed like Hae-rim was growing up well, mixing only the good points of Major General and me.

Oh, right! Just as we were about to clean up, Hae-rim suddenly grabbed General Oh Seon-ran’s rank insignia and wouldn’t let go, which was embarrassing.

He’s not usually like this, but he was drooling and sucking on General’s rank insignia… sigh. General Oh Seon-ran even joked that maybe this was the doljabi, and that our Hae-rim wanted to become a General.

Hmm, I just laughed it off earlier, but suddenly I have a lot of thoughts again.

Even though he’s grown so much, he’s still such a baby… Hae-rim will also grow up to be an adult like me and Major General, right?

He’ll have things he wants to do, and people he likes….

I’m looking forward to it, but I hope time goes a little slower.

Anyway, whatever Hae-rim’s dream is, I’ll support him, and as long as he doesn’t become a criminal like me, I’ll support him with all my heart!

♥Today’s grateful thing: Hae-rim celebrated his first birthday in good health!

♥Today’s happy thing: Not just today, but I was happy throughout the entire process of preparing for Major General and Hae-rim’s first birthday!!!

Also, I felt good because General Oh Seon-ran looked proud and happy while looking at Hae-rim.

Now, I really think of General Oh Seon-ran as my dad and family.

Thankfully, General Oh Seon-ran said he would take care of Hae-rim, so Major General and I went out on a date alone yesterday.

The date location that Major General chose was the beach in 5-Star.

The very beach we came to when Major General was a Brigadier General, when I didn’t think we could ever be like this….

It would be a lie to say that I’ve forgotten the moment when I left the Brigadier General behind and got into General Oh Seon-ran’s car alone, or the warm comfort of General Oh Seon-ran, who told me to try to live somehow, but I’m no longer sad or resentful about the past.

I’m really okay, but maybe Major General wasn’t.

Major General recreated everything from that day as if he had planned it.

To what extent? Even the angle of the curtains fluttering in the wind was exactly the same as that night….

I didn’t explicitly show it in front of him, but I was a little worried inside about whether this person was really okay.

I knew he had a quirky and persistent personality, to the point where he would write a pledge saying that he would rather gouge out his own eyes than break up with me to reassure my anxiety… but still, I didn’t know it would be to this extent….

I thought I should tell him that he doesn’t have to do this much in the future, so I kept looking for the right timing, but I ended up not saying anything.

That’s because I could feel that Major General was nervous, even though he looked the same as usual.

Other people would be puzzled if they heard this, wondering if Major General Ki Tae-jeong ever gets nervous, but I could tell.

I could see everything.

His breathing was subtly different from usual, his eyebrows twitched slightly, his body temperature was colder, the veins on the back of his hand were bulging, and even his skin was slightly damp with sweat….

How could I say that I felt burdened by your efforts to make sure I’m no longer in pain, by your sincerity in only giving me good memories and watching my every move…?

I didn’t want to ruin the atmosphere, so I decided to bring it up later, and I walked endlessly along the beach with Major General.

We held hands, then intertwined all five fingers, and then just held each other’s pinky fingers… anyway, without anyone suggesting it, we stayed in contact with each other, even if it was just a little.

From the middle, I took off my shoes and walked barefoot, and the soft grains of sand touching my bare feet felt lovely.

Things that I hadn’t noticed before when I came here… no, beautiful things that didn’t have a chance to enter my eyes were knocking loudly on my heart.

After walking along the beach to our heart’s content, we grilled meat skewers over a bonfire, drank cocoa with marshmallows floating in it, and lay on something like a bed covered in white cloth (it looked like a cocoon I saw in a documentary, and it was fluffy and warm) and looked at the night sky with Major General.

Major General told me to use his arm as a pillow, so I stuck close to him, but after looking at his watch for a moment, Major General carefully sat me up and got off the bed.

And Major General, like when he gave me new shoes before… like that day when he said he was sorry all this time and that he would let me go now… knelt down on one knee on the ground and held out a ring case to me.

He said that now that he’s officially a Lieutenant General, let’s get married… please marry me….

He told me this on the way home, but he wanted to propose at 11:05 PM to commemorate my birthday on November 5th.

Honestly, I don’t even know if that day is my real birthday, and more than anything, I don’t really know what it means to propose at the same time as my birthday… no, now that I think about it, it is romantic.

It means that this person is thinking of me every 11:05 that comes every day….

Anyway, it was a very dry proposal, saying let’s get married now that he’s a Lieutenant General, but as soon as I heard those words, tears welled up in my eyes without me realizing it.

We live together and have a child, so I thought I was already married to this person.

I thought maybe we would just keep living like this and register our marriage at some point? I thought that was good too.

But when I heard Major General say “marry me” directly from his mouth, my stomach churned….

I was trying to hold back, telling myself not to cry, but when Major General gave me the new dog tag he received when he was promoted, I burst into tears….

Major General once explained the meaning of the dog tag to me.

He said that it’s the only thing that can confirm the life or death of soldiers from a long time ago until now, so everyone carries it with them at all times, and that’s why there’s a tradition among soldiers of giving a dog tag to their partner when proposing….

Major General, no, Lieutenant General, who gave me that precious thing, said this….

“I want to fill out the marriage registration form right away. I’ve been thinking about putting a dog tag around your neck every day. Didn’t I already propose to Lee Sehwa? I imagined it every day to the point where I was delusional, and I even simulated it until it festered… but I held back until now because I wanted to give you a dog tag with the new rank engraved on it. When I became someone who could be newly called, unlike before. That’s when I wanted to ask Sehwa to marry me, no, please marry me.”

I’m not smart, but I can still recite the words that Major General… no, Lieutenant General, said at that moment.

It was such an intense proposal that I don’t think I’ll ever forget it, no matter how much time passes.

The feeling of the cold dog tag dangling around my neck and collarbone is not yet familiar, but I feel good.

Now I, here on this beach, am no longer in pain or sad.

No… it’s not that I’m not doing something.

I can say for sure.

I am happy.

I am so, so, so happy….

♥Today’s grateful thing: Being able to face our present selves regardless of what happened in the past.

Both Lieutenant General and I had the courage to do that!

♥Today’s happy thing: I can’t pick just one.

Everything that happened yesterday and today was happy!