M 87

“Lee Sehwa.”

Ignoring Ki Tae-jeong’s call, Sehwa picked up a syringe from his  bag. He  removed the cap and shook it, causing drops of medication to gather at the tip of the needle. It was a deep pink color, like blood slightly diluted with water.

On the battlefield, one experiences all sorts of situations, so Ki Tae-jeong thought he knew all possible emergency scenarios. He prided himself on being familiar with most drugs and treatments. But even Ki Tae-jeong had never seen such an ominous-colored medication before.

“It’s a mix of sleeping pills called Hesta, Alion, and Tyran.”

“…What?”

“…”

“What did you just say? Tyran?”

At Sehwa’s unexpected declaration of war, his heart pounded as if someone was beating a drum next to his ear.

Ki Tae-jeong might not know the others, but he knew well how dangerous Tyran was as a sleeping pill. It was the drug soldiers chose for suicide when they could no longer endure post-traumatic stress disorder. Even tasting half a teaspoon could be extremely dangerous depending on the person, sometimes classified as a poison. And Sehwa was holding that much…

“Please remove all the people outside.”

Sehwa pressed his index and middle fingers firmly near the crook of his arm, expertly feeling for a vein.

“What exactly are you trying to do?”

Ki Tae-jeong alternately scanned Sehwa’s thin arm wrapped in patches and the syringe in his  hand. He couldn’t believe what his actions implied.

Surely Sehwa isn’t…

“I’m not joking.”

Is he trying to threaten to kill himself in front of me?

“I wanted to pretend to get intimate… suddenly inject the syringe and see you get furious…”

“…”

“But I can’t.”

Fiddling with the syringe’s plunger, Sehwa shook his head.

“…Now I don’t even have the energy to put that much effort into you.”

Ki Tae-jeong, who had been frozen for a moment at his sharp words, widened his eyes at Sehwa’s next action.

“Lee Sehwa!”

Sehwa was trying to inject the needle into his own body.

“Don’t come closer.”

Unable to remain calm, Ki Tae-jeong took a few quick steps forward, but Sehwa warned him in an incredibly calm voice.

“Remove all the people outside.”

“…”

“You probably don’t care whether I live or die, but what about the child?”

The possibility that those patches were fake, the chance that the drug wasn’t real… Ki Tae-jeong quickly calculated various scenarios.

Subduing Sehwa itself wouldn’t be difficult, of course. Whether by weight class or his strength, Sehwa could never beat him, but… He feared that in the process, that unknown substance might enter Sehwa’s bloodstream. If it really was a dangerous sleeping pill mixed like poison, there’s no way his weakened body wrapped in patches could withstand it.

“…Lee Sehwa.”

That slim possibility rendered Ki Tae-jeong immobile.

“Even like this, you still don’t get it?”

“…”

“Fuck, I’m just standing here watching you do this, worried that your crude trick might actually be real…”

“…”

“And you still don’t understand my feelings?”

Although the needle hadn’t been pressed and the drug wasn’t injected, the aimed needle kept precariously scratching Sehwa’s skin. Red lines were drawn across his  pale skin. If it grazed a few more times like that, it might actually draw blood. Even that small amount could be dangerous for Sehwa with his  unpredictable constitution.

“…So what?”

“…,What?”

“Why should I… care about your feelings…”

Sehwa, who had been trying to retort sharply with narrowed eyes, ended up crying.

“Why… should I know about such things.”

“…”

“What difference does it make now to know that?”

Sehwa kept muttering words so quietly that they were hard to understand without listening closely.

“If you were going to be like this, you should have… should have told me earlier…”

…If only Sehwa had lost his reason and lunged at him. If he had at least hurled curses at him, Ki Tae-jeong felt he could have responded forcefully. But Sehwa’s voice, the most miserable he had ever heard… made it impossible to handle him roughly like before.

“…Tell the people outside to go to the player waiting rooms on each floor. This is the last time I’m saying it.”

Sehwa, who had been trembling finely as if having a seizure, roughly wiped his wet face with his  forearm, raising one shoulder, and spoke after clearing his voice. As if he didn’t want to appear weak anymore.

“And tell them not to come out no matter what happens until you give the order.”

And in that unwavering gaze, Ki Tae-jeong read Sehwa’s true intentions.

It’s real. This person truly wants to leave me. Clutching a thin rope barely twisted together by shaking off his wretched life over three short days, Sehwa is trying to get away from me.

“…Haha.”

Standing face to face with Sehwa as if in confrontation, Ki Tae-jeong laughed involuntarily, finding it absurd.

“I must have really… been bewitched by something.”

There was no other way to explain the current situation.

This wasn’t something to let go of so easily. He should have kept a tighter rein as soon as he heard that nonsense about wanting to rest for a few days in the 4-Hwn, out of his sight.

In fact, deep down, such thoughts were firmly taking root. Still, he had deliberately ignored the dark voice in his mind and let Sehwa do as he wished.

He just wanted to do something for him. That’s how pitiful Sehwa’s depression seemed. So he let him go, knowing it was something he would never have done normally.

Normally, he should have turned on the CCTV to monitor him at every opportunity. A strange person like a fence coming and going? Not a chance.

But… because Sehwa had cried.

Because he cried endlessly about the cookies he meant to give him being all broken, because it was heartbreaking to see him shedding tears so pitifully after being pushed around by people. And also, partly because he felt a little sorry.

But what? After turning someone half-crazy, now he says he’s not curious about his feelings at all?

“…Lieutenant Park.”

Ki Tae-jeong, who had been swallowing down the rising emotions, finally pressed the call button on his watch. The sound of metal clicking against body temperature, that momentary span of time, felt terribly long.

– Yes, Brigadier General.

…There was no other choice. He was afraid that something might happen to him. He didn’t give a damn about the child, but he couldn’t bear to see anything happen to Sehwa.

“Everyone, move to the House player waiting rooms on each floor.”

– Pardon?

“Every single one, without exception. Don’t come out until further orders.”

So in the end, he ended up reciting exactly what Sehwa had wanted.

– …Understood.

Although it was an order without apparent reason, Lieutenant Park didn’t question it in the end. After all, a superior’s order was absolute, and he seemed to take it rather calmly, as if wondering what was going to happen regarding Sehwa.

“Is that enough now?”

Ki Tae-jeong gritted his teeth and took one more step closer to Sehwa. The gleaming needle that looked ready to pierce his  forearm became even clearer, making his insides burn with anger. He  could at least lunge at him threatening to stab him, but to do this with his  own body, this crazy…

“But you know, running away like this won’t solve anything.”

Still, Ki Tae-jeong tried to persuade Sehwa.

Sehwa was someone who had tried to live by any means. Unlike others who lived however they could outside the walls, he was someone who had endured this far with the stubborn desire to move up to the higher districts, to live well.

It didn’t seem likely that such a Sehwa would really make this plan to die, so he thought it better to approach rationally.

“You’re only doing Lieutenant Kim a favor.”

“…”

“It might be hard to believe right now… Yeah, you might be angry… But if you stay by my side,”

“I’d rather be caught by Lieutenant Kim and die a dog’s death.”

“…What?”

“I’m saying I’d rather die by Lieutenant Kim’s hand than stay with you.”

Sehwa nodded sternly towards the sofa where Ki Tae-jeong had been sitting.

“If you look behind the cushion, there’s something hidden.”

“…”

“Take it out and drink it.”

It was the most harmless and gentle threat he had ever heard in his life. It was even kind to the point of being ridiculous, but it was a blow more powerful than any other.

Ki Tae-jeong felt like something inside him had shattered, and he thumped his chest. Rather die by Lieutenant Kim’s hand than stay with him… The more he chewed on those words, the more bitterness rose up his throat.

“I told you to find it and drink it.”

Feeling somewhat dazed, Ki Tae-jeong reached behind the cushion as Sehwa directed. As he swept his hand, his fingertips caught on a small glass bottle. Inside the reagent bottle, similar to an ampoule, was a liquid of the same color as the one sloshing in the syringe Sehwa was holding.

“…Lee Sehwa.”

“…”

“This seems to be the same drug you’re holding right now.”

“…”

“And you’re telling me to drink this.”

“…Yes.”

“After you just blabbered about how this is a mix of only the strongest sleeping pills…”

“…”

“You want me to drink it?”

Of course, drinking it wouldn’t kill him. It wasn’t for nothing that Ki Tae-jeong was treated as immortal on the battlefield. Although he didn’t have a constitution that could be inferred even slightly like Sehwa’s, there was such a groundless belief among all the military people, including himself. That bastard Ki Tae-jeong, even if you try to kill him, he absolutely won’t die.

Moreover, he had never been very susceptible to sleeping pills of any kind. He had never swallowed this much at once, but he had already tried all available types beyond their limits. When he was young, it was because he wanted to sleep somehow, and after becoming an adult, it was because he was always a target of others.

So even if he downed that, he might fall asleep for a while, but he wouldn’t die. However…

“…You wanted to kill me?”

He could hardly believe that the person who handed him this drug was none other than Lee Sehwa.

“If so, you should have chosen poison, not some sleeping pills like this.”

“…”

“Even I’m not sure if I would actually die even if dosed with poison.”

Sehwa stared blankly at Ki Tae-jeong, who was speaking through gritted teeth, with a calm face. He  no longer cowers or watches his reactions when looking at him. He ‘s just calmly aiming the needle somewhere on his  arm.

“I know. You said it yourself, that you’re a monster.”

“…What?”

“…So, I thought you wouldn’t die.”

Monster?

Lee Sehwa said that to him?

“You, now…”

Monster. In fact, the word itself didn’t have any impact on Ki Tae-jeong.

However, Sehwa’s face, slightly frowning as he deliberately uttered that word, the anguish he  couldn’t hide even in this state… it felt incredibly sincere.

Although it didn’t suit his own temperament and was clearly difficult for him, Sehwa wanted to hurt him, wanted to leave… and failing that, he was wishing for his death.

At some point, the relationship with Sehwa could no longer be explained by the logic of dynamics. The weight of the words exchanged was determined not by the form of packaged language, but by the weight of the heart.

That’s why the insult of “monster,” which had only made him sneer when heard from others, that childish taunt… when it poured from Sehwa’s mouth, it tried to destroy Ki Tae-jeong with a destructive power greater than any weapon.

“Ah… I see.”

Ki Tae-jeong took off the cap he was wearing and threw it away. He had deliberately worn it because Sehwa seemed to like it, but he didn’t usually bother with formal hats.

“Still, it’s unexpected. For someone who finds me so disgusting, you’re giving me a bit of leeway.”

“…”

“If it were me, I would have chosen a drug with absolutely no turning back.”

He didn’t know anymore. His insides were so mangled that he didn’t even know what emotion he was feeling.

The anger at being intoxicated by the first taste of sweetness, at being giddy, at acting like a fool, unlike his usual self, as if he had a fever. The foolishness of not being able to hold onto him recklessly, even while hearing words telling him to just drop dead. And perhaps the futile self-reproach that this Sehwa might not have had to let everything be known…

All tangled up, it made it impossible for Ki Tae-jeong to be Ki Tae-jeong.

“To be angry enough to want to kill someone… you can only do that if you have the heart to.”

“…”

“You wouldn’t know, since you’re used to getting rid of people like it’s a habit.”

It was exactly as he said. Sehwa felt no satisfaction. It wasn’t enjoyable either.

He never wanted some cool revenge, but he just wanted to disappear from this place quickly, not needing any of it. It was horrifying and pathetic that even in this situation, a foolish heart whispered deep inside to give him a chance to explain.

The needle pricked here and there on his forearm, stinging. Blood wasn’t flowing yet, but it was beading up in droplets all over. At this rate, it seemed it would be difficult to inject it all at once if something really happened…

Above all, Ki Tae-jeong, who was staring intently at him from quite a close distance, might notice that he wasn’t in such a calm state. No, he might have already noticed. Yet his hands kept tensing up. He couldn’t hide his pathetic trembling.

The silence that felt like the ground might give way beneath his feet continued for a long time. Sehwa, who had been holding firm, finally shook his head briefly, unable to bear it any longer, trying to overcome the dizziness that was washing over him.

And then, finally, Ki Tae-jeong moved.

His hand was rough as he yanked open the cap. Ki Tae-jeong wiped away the small amount of liquid that had splashed onto his cheek with his thumb. After staring at his own damp hand for a moment, he didn’t add any more words and poured the sleeping pills into his mouth in one go. All of them.

…And that was the end of it. Sehwa slowly lowered the hand holding the syringe.

Is this… fortunate?

Compared to the three days he had spent worrying, it was anticlimactic, like nothing had happened at all. He thought he might whine to him pathetically, telling him how he had prepared himself to like him, and how miserable he had become now… He thought he would show all his insides and cry ugly, loud tears.

The empty bottle thrown to the floor rolled away somewhere far off. The small glass bottle hitting the wall echoed through the office like thunder.

“Ah, shit…”

Ki Tae-jeong kept clenching and unclenching his fist. He seemed to be trying to overcome the unfamiliar sensation coursing through his entire body.

But soon, the man’s solid body that had seemed like a mountain slowly crumbled onto the sofa. His beautifully slanted eyes were filled with an unpleasant languor. Fortunately, it seemed to be taking effect. Seeing that he wasn’t suffering as if he were dying, it seemed he might just fall asleep peacefully like this.

Sehwa placed his hand over Ki Tae-jeong’s hand, which was gripping the armrest tightly as if trying to withstand his collapsing body. He had always been excited by Ki Tae-jeong’s hands, where veins would bulge prominently with just a little pressure, and the finely divided ridges up to his forearms. There wasn’t a part of him he didn’t like, but he especially liked Ki Tae-jeong’s eyes and hands.

“Still, since I can’t guarantee how long it will last, I’ll take this with me.”

As he unfastened the watch on his wrist, Sehwa gently stroked the empty space with his thumb.

And into the hand of the man who was being pathetically robbed of everything by someone as insignificant as himself, he placed a memo he had written in advance. It detailed the drugs used, the concentration of the mixture, and drugs that might be effective for detoxification.

“…Sehwa.”

About to pull off the watch, Sehwa froze at the sudden call of his name. It was the first… time. The first time Ki Tae-jeong had called him like this.

“You know you’ll be caught by me soon anyway.”

“…”

“You didn’t think I’d let you go so easily, did you?”

Ki Tae-jeong’s closed eyelids twitched. The muscles across his entire body, like mountain ranges, twitched and rose, his broad shoulders slowly rising and falling repeatedly.

“I’m not going to die, and I don’t even think I’ll sleep for long… Then I’ll find you again by any means necessary.”

“…”

“Probably faster than you expect, without even giving you a chance to run into that bastard Lieutenant Kim.”

His long eyelashes trembled slightly, and then Ki Tae-jeong painfully lifted his eyelids. In the man’s revealed pupils… there was a fire, something deep and intense that could only be described as such, blazing.

“Do you still want to go?”

This, on the contrary, was a polite threat from Ki Tae-jeong. Don’t run away like this, thinking that you might be able to resolve things calmly, even if it takes some time, without resorting to such extreme measures. If you end it like this and leave, we can never go back to how we were before.

“…I told you, I’d rather die by Lieutenant Kim’s hand.”

“…”

“I don’t want to.”

Ah… Ki Tae-jeong sighed deeply and buried himself deeper into the sofa. His head slowly tilted back, and his elegant sculpture-like jaw and Adam’s apple twitched, forming a gentle ridge.

“…Fine, then do whatever the fuck you want.”

“…”

“But, you.”

With drowsy eyes rounded, Ki Tae-jeong smiled. It was a face so beautiful it sent chills to the bone.

“If you get caught again, know that you’ll never walk properly on two feet again.”

So escape with the resolve to die.

As you said, even if you die by Lieutenant Kim’s hand, hide well until the end without being caught by me.

“…Do as you please. Break my neck or crush my ankles.”

Deflecting the man’s vicious warning, Sehwa stepped back hesitantly, holding the wristwatch and syringe in each hand. All that was in his bag was less than a million won in cash, a few port badges, and some spare underwear and clothes. With just this… he had to survive for 3 weeks. Until he could contact Oh Seon-ran.

“But, Brigadier General.”

Just before turning away to abandon Ki Tae-jeong. Putting aside the daunting future for a moment, Sehwa reached out his trembling hand to him.

“Even if it wasn’t as much as me, even if it wasn’t complete affection…”

“…”

“I know that you too… had some feelings for me, even if just a little.”

He traced Ki Tae-jeong’s prominently protruding brow bone like a picture, gently stroking his eyebrows. It was the last time. Finally, he lightly cupped his cheek, which had grown warm, and let go. Sehwa laughed through his tears. His own face reflected in Ki Tae-jeong’s blurred pupils was so terrible it seemed like even the affection he had built up would all fall away. It was just pathetic.

“If you find someone else to love in the future… don’t treat them as harshly as you treated me.”